Today I got a call around lunchtime - blocked number. I pick it up and am caught off-guard. It is my most recent ex-girlfriend, who unceremoniously dumped me a couple years ago. We went out for about four years. After I helped her resolve many issues in her life, she decided that she no longer needed a "boring and responsible" boyfriend-slash-therapist. She dumped me, kept the dog, and married some EuroDude she worked with in an ultra-low-responsibility work-abroad job. He's the opposite of me - fun and not at all responsible. That worked out great until they had to do things like pay bills or take care of anything, really. I guess I don't look so bad anymore. So she is looking for someone to talk to about these problems, and to see if I'm still available. No on both counts - I'm in an ecstatically happy relationship with somebody else now, and have been for more than a year. I'm flattered that she would consider dumping her husband for me, but really that ship sailed a LONG time ago. In related news, a friend of mine who just broke up with his toxic long-distance fiancee was recently back home visiting family and getting his stuff back from her. After he did that, she waited a day, chased him down, and they had - and I quote - "awesome breakup sex, yo." Not smart, in my humble opinion, but what are you gonna do? His life. She swears she was on birth control. Uh huh. Hope they pick a nice name for the kid. FOCUS: How are your relationships with your ex(es)? Do you still drive by on your anniversary and burn a picture of a penis into his/her lawn with acid? Do you have secret trysts away from the prying eyes of your now-current significant others? Did you turn an ex into an ex-with-benefits? Did you reconnect with your high school ex at a reunion?
The majority of my ex girlfriends played the role of "ex-with-benefits" after our relationships ended. Given that I'm only 21, and this was to happen in my late teenage years, it's safe to say these relationships weren't much more than sex to begin with anyway, so it was never much of an issue. The main reason behind it is we'd keep occassionaly fucking until one of us moved on and found somebody else to do the no-pants dance with. My only serious relationship to date ended last week. It was almost 2.5 years long (after being "seeing each other" for almost a year before that). We've finished on good terms, as the main reasons for our break-up included her hectic work schedule, her parents moving away from home, and my impending trip to Europe for at least 6 months next year. We got talking the other day about her coming over to pick up some of her stuff, and I half-jokingly brought up the topic of break-up sex, which was surprisngly well received. I suppose this decision could have poor repercussions for either of us, and could making moving on even more difficult for both us, but I'll probably ignore these warning signs anyway and go for it.
I never see any of my exes anymore. My last ex before I met my wife was crass and evil. I was single for four years after breaking up with her and her unbelievable temper. I have always hated jealousy: it's for weak, one-dimensional people and that was her dominant emotion pretty much every day about petty bullshit. If the checkout clerk was female, obviously I want to fuck her. If a girl walked by me on the sidewalk, we were giving each other eyes. It was the same bullshit all the time. I would be happy if I never saw her face again.
One of my best friends is my ex, she and I dated for a few years. I'm also good friends with a couple other exes. Beyond that, I don't have any ill feelings toward any exes, I've either stayed friends with them or lost touch out of indifference. The one exception is my last girlfriend from about 4 months ago. She and I broke up on pretty poor terms and I cannot stop thinking about her. I find myself scrolling her Facebook page every couple days or even dreaming about her every once in a while. This is especially frustrating because we did not have a good relationship at all. I wouldn't want to date her again—I'm not sure I would even want to see her again, given the chance—but my brain cannot kick her out of the OODA loop. Ugh.
I had to work with one of my exes for 4 years after we broke up. It was a horrible drama filled breakup which was entirely my fault. It was lust not love and when she annoyed me in the most minor way I declared it over. I did this at work and made her cry because she didn't know why I was calling it quits and because I was a young douche at the time and gave her a ridiculous answer. For the next 3 years she and I spoke no more than 20 words to each other. Avoided each other at all costs. Then the company Christmas party rolls around, we both get drunk, talk a little, end up going to another bar afterward and I wake up in her bed the next morning. All was good after that. She was dating someone else but we at least talked at work. Neither of us wanted to get back together or expected anything to happen again. Wish it could have been that way the first time around.
Funny this comes up today- I've had dreams about pretty much every one of my exes this week. Weird. With one exception (not going to get into it), I've always completely broken off all contact with my exes. By all contact, I mean just that- I don't call, email, text, nothing. This can be a double edged sword. It definitely sucks in the beginning, I'm not going to lie. But I have always looked at it from this stance- whatever happened that caused the relationship to end had to be something so serious that I don't want to associate with that person anymore. I don't play the "make up/break up/make up" game. And If you don't want to be with me anymore, that's fine too, but don't expect me to wait around for you like some lost puppy. You're done with me, as far as I'm concerned, and quite frankly, I don't want to be with someone who would be so wishy washy as to have feelings for me fluctuate from week to week depending on your mood. Homey don't play 'dat. Like I said, it is much harder in the short term, but I've found that it makes it easier over the long haul. The sooner you distance yourself from the thing that causes you pain, the quicker that pain can begin to heal. At least, that's what works for me.
One of the benefits of moving around a lot: I have not seen any of my exes since we broke up, not one. I win.
I've done the exact opposite. Some moved away, or lived in other states to begin with, but the only ex I purposely avoided was the ex-fiance. I kept in touch with one ex for years after we broke up, and went to her wedding. I've worked with another for the past 15 years. A third takes her kids to the same daycare the Missanthropic goes to, so we have been sort of thrown back together involuntarily. There are a handful of other women that I've "dated" - however you want to define that term - that I see semi-regularly due to their relationships to other friends of mine. I guess I'm good at breaking up, because the parting of ways has typically been amicable, and seeing them around, or working closely with them, has been a pleasure, for the most part.
I am on cordial terms with all my exes, but don't think about them much. I am in regular contact with my most recent ex because we have kids together. This totally blows. He's an okay dad (lately) but I loathe him and his family. They are actually bad people, in my opinion. They do stupid shit like tell my boys that mommy got rid of all their toys and stuff when she moved. This is to make my boys dislike my boyfriend I guess. All I can do is show my boys that some people lie by being honest all the time with them. It's working so far, but I really want to set them all on fire for tampering with my kids' peace of mind.
I was a prick to my ex of 3 years. I'd routinely call her at 1 in the morning from my dorm, if I hadn't landed a girl that night. She'd crawl out of bed, pick me up from my dorm, and we'd have sex and I'd leave the next morning. This went on for about a year. Finally my conscience caught up with me, told her I couldn't come over anymore after running into her at a bar, and she made a scene. Gotta love doing the right thing.
Like blue dog, when a girl and I break up I break off all contact with them. I don't see the point in keeping in contact with them or wasting my time on someone I have no future with who may impede me from getting out and meeting other women. My most recent relationship lasted over 3 years and ended about 4 months ago. It wasn't a particularly nasty break up at first because I was getting nothing from this relationship besides sex and was really just leading this bitch on until something better came along (yes I know this is wrong but she cheated on me several times so I didn't give a fuck). Anyway, two days before we break up (initiated by her) she kept on telling me about how much she wanted to marry me, how she couldn't see herself with anyone else, and how I needed to propose fast and all of that shit. Two days later we break up. I cut off all contact because I truly believe that she is a piece of shit whore and I really don't want to associate with her but she insists on being friends so we text only if it is initiated by her. She now dates some ski lift operator who her brother, Z, describes as a piece of shit with no future and says M has gone off the deep end. A few days ago M strikes up conversation over text and, not facing any repercussions, I call her out on several things that she's doing and tell her that I don't want to be friends because of the shit she does and the people she associates herself with. She didn't take the news well and tells me how much she really cheated on me and how she never really cared about me and that she'll get me back. From now on my strategy with crazy bitches will be different because I'm legitimately worried that she'll do something crazy like slash my tires or something (yeah she's one of those).
I usually just stop talking to exes. For the most part I generally want nothing to do with the guy by the time the relationship is done, with the exception of one that I'm still friends with. We broke up a couple years ago now, but when we're in the same city we'll go for coffee or I'll help him shop. Sometimes old feelings come up but it always seems like the other one is in a relationship when that happens. I still love his family and talk basketball with his dad whenever I'm in the hometown. Oh, and then there was the ex who forced himself to still be in my life by showing up at my house randomly, despite the fact that he lived a couple hours away.
There is one ex that I keep in some minor contact with because I have known her for 12 years. She is crazy as shit but in a way that is now humorous to me because I don't have to deal with it. She calls me on my shit and still knows me really well. We didn't work because we were both young and dumb and I was an insecure pussy. But its nice to connect with her here and there, catch up and keep each other accountable for progress. I've enjoyed watching her grow up and it makes me proud in a way to show her that I have as well and that neither of our struggles with the other was in vain.
This sums up my most recent ex. She'll text me from time to time or (since I merged AIM and google to talk to everybody in one place) she'll IM me to say hi or to ask for advice. The latter is by far the most entertaining. The most recent outreach was for advice concerning sleeping with her boss--which she had already done multiple times (rendering anything I might say moot. But I digress). She admitted that it was a bad idea, but said that she didn't know how to tell him that it would be best if they stopped. I suggested the very obvious approach, which involved her talking to him and telling him that she felt it would be best if they stopped. She, being a moron, couldn't really grasp the concept, so our little talk ended with me saying, "Isn't it funny how people can fuck each other but not carry an honest conversation? Besides, you're a bartender. If he fires you, go work somewhere else." Last I heard she was still fucking him and feeling bad about it. As for the other ex's, I don't talk to any of them. One goes to my gym and we say a couple passing hello's every now and then and we're nice to each other, but that's it.
A girl I dated for a couple months back in freshman year (2 1/2 years ago) became a stripper shortly after I broke up with her. I see her from time to time at school and it's hard to resist the temptation to hoot and holler and throw dollar bills at her. I'm only half kidding... she was furious with me when I said no to her stripping while we were dating (I'm not the type to do Tmax-esque asshole shit so I just leave her alone). I typically don't bother with the exes anymore because I wasn't in any serious relationships. I might occasionally run into them but it's no biggie. Stripper girl still hates me with a passion, but she's not exactly a nice person anyways. There's one girl that is still super awkward around me but I don't think she's aware I've been with my current girlfriend for several months now.
Exes are exes for a reason. When I'm done that's it, no contact. But then again I had a very long term with a complete abusive asshole who, when I finally got the balls to leave him did the following: He stole my dog. He called my Mother and told her I was a coke addict and that was why I was so thin when in fact it was he who was the addict. Yeah that call from my Mother was a fun one. He called my best friend, harassed her and told her all kinds of lies. None of which she believed so he gave up. The final day when I went to get my shit, alone which was a huge mistake, he was the only one at the house (roommates). That should have been a clue that things were going to get ugly and they did, physically. I ended up running from the house, leaving all my shit behind, jumping into my car (at the advice of a friend I'd left my keys in the ignition) and got the fuck out of there. I went the next day and filed a restraining order. I was staying at a friends place when days later he showed up outside, he dumped all my clothes out onto the front lawn. He stomped around like a fucking child, yelling and cussing. Eventually since he knew where I worked and lived, in order to get away from him I moved to the other side of town to different city, dropped some friends and quit my job. I don't wish death on many, but I truly hope he burns in hell. EDIT: Ah if only it worked that way, ya know the way it should. The system is flawed dude. I'm willing to bet there's another female here that can attest to that. I can assure you in many cases like mine the RO does little to no good. He didn't give a shit about it, he got as close as stalking me as one can get. For my saftely, sanity and the sake of my friends that were helping me, it was simply easier to do what I did.
Just curious, but don't you have any male friends that could have kicked his ass for you? Or, maybe they go to his house and have a little "chat" about how they're going to smash in his windows if he ever goes near you again. Deterrence is easier than compliance, you could have chosen to fight fire with fire. (Unless that would have pushed him over the edge and he caused him to start murdering people or something.)
This thread is timely for me, as well. While normally, I cut off all contact, I stayed friends with a college girlfriend from about 4 years ago. She was in the same specific major as I was, so there really was no getting away from running into her in classes and projects, etc, so I decided I might as well be civil. I always had feelings for her (she was the "one that got away"), and made sure to keep in contact even after we both graduated and moved away. I recently found out that she has harbored the same feelings for me, even after our split (which, I totally take responsibility for. I was young and stupid and not interested in a relationship at the time). Now, we've started seeing each other again, she's moving nearby and things are definitely moving in a positive direction for us. My most recent ex, however, has taken to blogging about our breakup, how it's led her to find God, and a whole mess of whore babble. My friends and I are RSS subscribers and cackle with glee every time we read her new posts filed with a new diatribe or preachy bullshit.
Of course I had friends, but why put them in harms way or even jail possibly? When you're in an abusive relationship for as long as I was, you live in fear. Which is why I didn't leave him long before I finally did. Unless you've been there you have no idea how crippling that fear is. When I finally broke away the last thing I wanted to do was "fight fire with fire". I wanted to get away, as fast as I could. I made the sacrafices I needed to make in order to do that. When someone is wacked out of their brain and a drug addict there is nothing anyone can do to deter the harrassment. I was scared for months after I left. There are days, and this was in upwards of 10-15 years ago, I still check over my shoulder. In some ways that prick will be with me forever. The ironic part is was at his ordering that I went into thearpy (because there was alaways something wrong with me, my appearence and so on and so on), it was that thearpy that gave me the strength to finally leave him. PM if you have any more questions as this is straying off topic.