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THE ALWAYS DELIGHTFUL WEEKEND DRUNK THREAD 10/7/11!!!

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Blue Dog, Oct 7, 2011.

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  1. CharlesJohnson

    CharlesJohnson
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    In a perfect world, on days which my back is killing me, there should be a toilet whose lid or seat opened automatically depending if my ass or penis passed across the sensor so I don't have to bend over to lift it up. The person that can do this would corner the invalid/fat-shit market.

    Carry on.

    Don't forget to ask if they're butthole safe because you "had a regrettable experience with shoddy craftsmanship before."
     
    #61 CharlesJohnson, Oct 7, 2011
  2. Angel_1756

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    The Big Four-Oh

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    Don't even joke about that. Sex toy mishaps are no laughing matter. Trust me.
     
    #62 Angel_1756, Oct 7, 2011
  3. katokoch

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    I'm in the same "Massive Irish Catholic Family" boat. Our family reunions could fill up the Metrodome.

    My cubicle neighbor just said "If she ain't 280, she ain't a lady!" loud enough over the phone that everyone in the department just heard it. Today = win.
     
    #63 katokoch, Oct 7, 2011
  4. effinshenanigans

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    This place has been lacking a good inside-out rectum story.
     
    #64 effinshenanigans, Oct 7, 2011
  5. CharlesJohnson

    CharlesJohnson
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    Sometimes you have to go fishing with a magnet on the end of a line while you wear a miner's lantern hat before the vibrator stuck on speed setting 5 jars something loose.
     
    #65 CharlesJohnson, Oct 7, 2011
  6. Devils Advocate

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    I have just dealt with one of the craziest people I have ever come in contact with.

    A 77 year old lady just chatted my ear off for 45 minutes. She claims to be the former Miss Peru. Her deceased husband was a diplomat for Peru. Her father was the doctor for the President of Peru. She married her husband after only knowing him for two and a half weeks. She declared that she is the "chosen one." She said that she is the only person that is blessed with the power of the holy spirit. She glows like a candle. The pope has written a book about her, and has declared her the light of the world. She said that only she has the power to bless people, and bring happiness into their lives. She then proceeded to bless me, because I am a special person. She has a boyfriend who is 70 years old. She says that he is a player. She says that she has to enjoy her sex life with him now, because soon she will have to quit having sex, so she can go back to church.

    45 minutes until I am off work. I need a damn drink.
     
    #66 Devils Advocate, Oct 7, 2011
  7. katokoch

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    And what do you do for a living? I've had some good conversations on the phone before but not quite there.
     
    #67 katokoch, Oct 7, 2011
  8. Devils Advocate

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    I am an insurance agent. She came in to discuss her policy, and she volunteered that crazy bullshit in the process.
     
    #68 Devils Advocate, Oct 7, 2011
  9. ghettoastronaut

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    Even considering that I'm travelling on my employer's dime to visit a city to find an apartment, and they paid for a rental search agent who did all the work for me and found me a great place, today has been spectacularly unproductive.
     
    #69 ghettoastronaut, Oct 7, 2011
  10. effinshenanigans

    effinshenanigans
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    I dunno, that situation sounds pretty vanilla for this place.

    I'm thinking something on par with "I drank a bottle of tequila, jammed a broom stick up my ass, and hopped on the pogo stick."
     
    #70 effinshenanigans, Oct 7, 2011
  11. lhprop1

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    Sounds legit to me. What reason did you have to doubt her?
     
    #71 lhprop1, Oct 7, 2011
  12. Rush-O-Matic

    Rush-O-Matic
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    Speaking of toilet needs . . .

    I posted about this once before, and have just witnessed again. There's a dude in my office building sitting on the shitter right now. When you walk in the men's room, there's a straight sight line to the stall. What I see is one foot, with a shoe on, but no pants gathered around it; another foot, with one pant leg gathered around it; and an empty pant leg.

    So, the level of effort it takes Black Jesus to take the browns to the super bowl is nothing compared to this. I mean, dude has to take off half his pants. Over a shoe - or at least, put the shoe back on. WTF?
     
    #72 Rush-O-Matic, Oct 7, 2011
  13. Jimmy James

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    "She" was a 38 year old Kirby vacuum salesman named Leonard.
     
    #73 Jimmy James, Oct 7, 2011
  14. Arms Akimbo

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    I like the crack den she is apparently living in.

    This made me laugh more than I have in weeks.

    Misheard lyrics of "Mother" by Danzig.
     
    #74 Arms Akimbo, Oct 7, 2011
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2015
  15. Devils Advocate

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    She was bitching that her car insurance was $200.00 every 6 months was my first clue. The second was all of her teeth were either bad or missing.
     
    #75 Devils Advocate, Oct 7, 2011
  16. GTE

    GTE
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    Must be nutty customer day. I had a conversation with a customer earlier and the phrases "just because she says she can suck a golf ball through a garden hose doesn't mean that she actually can" & "It's like all cluck and no fuck" were uttered.

    Another gem from some years back was from a gal in her late 50's. Upon needing a measurement, she dug in her purse and pulled out a little tape measure. I remarked that I've noticed that more women carry tape measures then men. Her reply "So we can tell if you guys are lying" and then turned beet red.


    edit- guess I should add that I work with very high clients and not at Walmart so this is far from the norm.
     
    #76 GTE, Oct 7, 2011
  17. Kubla Kahn

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    The best Ive found. Most suck, this one had me cracked up.


    Heading to Ohio State to party. Peace out.
     
    #77 Kubla Kahn, Oct 7, 2011
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2015
  18. thabucmaster

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    How about this?

    [​IMG]
     
    #78 thabucmaster, Oct 7, 2011
  19. Parker

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    Yay booze! Last drink until next Friday, then after that not until Halloween!
     
    #79 Parker, Oct 7, 2011
  20. kuhjäger

    kuhjäger
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    Fucking thank god!

    The apartment building manager turned on the central boiler and the radiators now work. Heat is a nice thing.
     
    #80 kuhjäger, Oct 7, 2011
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