As we approach Festivus, we call to mind those who have aggrieved us in the last year. We talk about it openly here, on this, our Inter Net, to begin and facilitate the healing process. Or hone our rage, I forget which. FOCUS: Air your 2010 Festivus grievances.
Mom, I love you but your cooking has declined significantly over the years, you refuse to learn how to use spices to make things taste good and don't put any effort into cooking now, it is terrible. Please stop getting offended when I suggest we go out to eat every time I visit now, it's nothing personal, it's just that steamed broccoli and dry chicken doesn't constitute 'a good home cooked meal' in my mind. Girlfirend, I love you but your cooking has spoiled me beyond belief, I now get into fights with my mother because her cooking pales in comparison to yours and now Christmas dinner is one of my least favorite meals of the year.
It's all about the consolidation. Maybe we can gain critical mass for the internet and become a singularity. My first grievance is aimed at the government. The "no politics" rule precludes me from going further, but you couldn't go to a gangbang jamboree and see something more fucked up. My second grievance is to leeching, self serving, so called friends who don't pay back their debts. I get it that times are tough. Guess what, times are tough for us too. If you were honestly trying to repay your debt to us, that'd be one thing... but you're wasting money on luxury shit despite us screaming at you to pay us the damn money. We're not even asking for any interest, we just want the damn principal back. Over three people, we're owed around $250k and starting to bleed from the seams trying to keep ourselves up and running. And then one of you has the audacity to whine and bitch when we refuse to give you more money...
Mailman Youre a fucking prick. Is it too much to ask you that you dont crumple my mail when you put it in the box? Or when theres too much mail, how about not leaving the remainder on top of the mailbox for anyone to easily see or grab (like my Netflix for instance)? I swear to Christ next time I see that shit go down Im going to take that fucking safari hat off your head and fling it at you like Kung Lao doing a fatality. Roommate Im sorry your cat got run over, but that was 4 months ago. Stop talking about it already because I dont give a shit. And you know want to know why you cant find a girlfriend? Because youre too much of a pussy to go talk to any of them. And stop being so fucking particular in who you want to date, your looks dont warrant such specific requirements. Father Hey dad you know what would be nice? Next time we're out to dinner at a nice restaurant with mom and my girlfriend, how about you dont talk about how the dog was in the woods howling from diarrhea because he ate a bag of pepperoni. Thanks.
Dear Boss, Yes, I understand it's inconvenient when I work from home. But here's the thing, by midnight Tuesday, I'd worked 40 fucking hours this week. 40. IT'S ONLY FUCKING TUESDAY. So fuck you, I'm working from home, and that's because I'm a nice guy and don't want to fuck over the guys on my team. Speaking of my team, you know what would make it less inconvenient if I needed to work from home for a day? Hiring some more fucking staff, since we not only can't meet our shift coverage requirements, but we have staff doing 40 hours by fucking Tuesday. Oh, your name is mud in the local tech community and most people would rather have herpes than work here? Gee, that's a problem isn't it. Given that you clearly can't fucking sort your shit out, maybe you should pay people fucking more. Grah. Clearly, I am looking for other work. Fuck you, Scootah ps - were in not for my support group (everyone) and your proximity to several support group meeting locations, it is my firm belief that someone would have gone on a bloody rifle wielding rampage through the executive offices of our building already. As it is, I believe it remains a mere matter of fucking time. Especially if I don't find another fucking job.
Dear Hilton, As you have no doubt noticed, I make every attempt to spend as much money at your properties as I can. I appreciate the commercialized "home-y-ness" you attempt to convey. I like that the cleaning staff leaves tootsie rolls or those chewy fruit mentos on my table. I'll even cut you some slack and say that the USA Today is a good move - questionable content, but the thought is what counts. However, I have one major complaint. And, surprisingly, I am not going to lay into you for that couch in my one room "suite" whose fabric feels more like plastic than cloth. You've got to do something about these lights. Flourescent lights? Really? In every fixture? Those little lamps by the bed? Check. The lights in the bathroom? Check. The light in the hallway by the door? Double check (that fucker can be seen from space). I dont think you quite appreciate the difficulty one encounters when attempting to get your shit together at 6:15 AM with a raging hangover while squinting from the light of what feels like 5 mini suns. You mean to tell me that with billions and billions in revenue, you cant do some sort of study to find a source of a softer light? I get it, you are selling a commoditized, homogenous product through a series of outlets built by the lowest bidder and maintained and managed by barely literate monkeys for $7.25 an hour. I know you are just trying to minimize maintenance time and provide a "safe" environment (though I am not quite sure I see the correlation between 2,500 watts of awful and "safety" - safety from what? stubbing my toe?). But, please, for the love of god and all the saints, please consider dumping those curly-cue nightmares. Once you tackle this we can move on to problem number two: the surprising lack of bars at your establishments in New England. Love, Ogee
Hey 2010 and the stars thereof, Thanks for the shitload of abuse and emotional torture I experienced this year. Good fucking riddance.
Why in the fuck would you ever lend out that much money? That just seems stupid. To my stepbrother, all you're doing is pissing my Mom off with your calls offering to email you and sis-in-laws Christmas list. She shops year round and told you she was done yet you seemed to block it out and say something to the effect of that you'd just go ahead and email it to her. Huh? Then the next call was to tell her not to buy anything with booze in it for them to drink or as a gift because "We're going 100% booze free because we want healthier bodies." You've spent every Christmas Eve with us that you weren't deployed and always had something and always had fun. Now that you've married a vegetarian you're opting out? We went out and you got absolutely shitty within the last three months. So much so you had to sleep it off in you car. You're lucky I didn't mention that when she called ME to bitch about YOU. Just stop it and have a fucking beer to shut her up. And to my Mother, please for the love of everything, stop calling me to complain about the things he does. Call him on it if you're that upset and stop tippytoeing around.
Whom It May Concern Stop trying to wound my reputation. In fact, don't mention my name at all. Your friends think you're a jealous, gossping lush, and they don't give a shit. I long ago chalked up the whole thing to bad communication. And then I shut the fuck up about it, because I'm more classy than you, I've moved on, and no one I know gives a shit. My side of our little Rashomon tale would be a lot more damaging than yours. But I have the grace and the perspective, after all this time and distance, to shut the fuck up about it. I'd suggest you give it a whirl. Taylor Swift Go away. Hurry up and max out your fucking sympathy card. You can't sing. You get rich off songs about how men are shallow douchenozzles and then you go fuck John fucking Mayer. All you've ever done is make me agree with Kanye West about something.
Dear the people who co-ordinate our rotations: I am normally opposed to human sacrifice. Further, I've often thought that ritualistic murder or suicide was something done in primitive, unenlightened societies whose priorities were entirely fucked up regarding honour and so forth. That was, of course, until I met you idiots. Frankly, there is nothing you can say to repair the damage you've done. If you ever develop the self-awareness to realize just how much you thoroughly suck both as logistical co-ordinators and, overall, as human beings, you actually need to take a sword and disembowel yourselves in order to appropriately express just how thoroughly ashamed of yourselves you should be. Some people fear eventually becoming one of their parents, taking it as a sign that life has either disappointed them or they've become something that they once hated. Well, if I ever really fuck up at life, the primary sign isn't going to be "Hey, astronaut, you're acting like your dad." No, it's going to be "Hey, astronaut, you're acting like [redacted], [redacted] and [redacted]." I might rationalize being somewhat like my dad as "It's really not that bad of a thing" or "Well I was under a lot of stress and over-reacted that one time." But I swear on all things anyone might consider holy or sacred, if I ever hear that I'm acting like you dumbasses, there will be no rationalization. Not any one of your characteristics are worth possessing, not even in the tiniest, most infinitesimal, Planckian measure. Sincerely, G. Astronaut III
For the sake of clarity, and because I've been getting some rep: we didn't just lend that amount to general friends for no reason. They're business loans to friends of ours who have/had their own businesses. Plus, it's what we do for business. They got hit by the GFC, general downturn and rampant stupidity. But instead of just screwing the bank (like everyone else), they're screwing their mates. Not cool.
If I can semi quote Seinfeld again: "You're a loan shark... act like one!" Seriously don't you have big burly Italian guys who can't speak english who can bust their knees for you?
Dear everyone on Facebook, Please stop inviting me to play these retarded goddamn games. Every time I block news and invitations from one of these things, another one comes out. I don't want to manage a virtual bakery or be the best little iWhoreHouse on the planet (well ok, maybe that one). Also, your commentary is unnecessary on friends' relationship status. If I see one more female comment on another friend's profile/status update/whatever asking when her boyfriend is going to finally pop the question, I may go postal. It's truly none of your goddamn business. You are worse than people who post nothing but updates about their child's insignificant developments, and that's a pretty impressive feat. Aside from this, 2010's Festivus will be pretty tame. None of you have really purposely wronged me, and those that did have already received their comeuppance. Thanks, Shaun
Dammit Shaun, you sniped a little faster than me. I too am fucking disapointed by the growth and expansion of facebook-style stupidities that people , in north america and the rest of the world, have been getting into. All those people bitching about "friending", "unfriending", "relationship statuses" and shits. The "be my friend so we can be more powerful in some stupid browser game" crowd and the others that cannot grasp that all this bullshit is basically perpetuating stupid fucking high school mentalities. HIGH SCHOOL FUCKING THINKING! Grow the fuck up people. Oh, I'm also disapointed in Sweden too. Suing Assange for having sex with your women, come the fuck on.
To whom it may concern: Seriously leave your husband. You're marriage is shit, you spend no time with him. You're in love with someone else who treats you great. I don't see how your the only person that doesn't see this. Loosing some house payment is not a valid reason for staying married. I know change is hard for you but suck it up and deal or your going to loose him.
Dear fleafly, Please learn the difference between loose and lose. I have had a pretty good year, that is about all I have got. Thanks!
Dear Asian people I'm so over you and all that you put me through.. I once thought it was cute for you to run around in little packs of three and not speak any English at all with the occasional really hot Asian walking around. Now i'm sick of the ricey smell you waft around everywhere, sick of you skipping and making me wait five minutes in lunch, and i'm sick of your high pitched voices. Asian Americans, you guys are cool. I'm once over the fad that I had for you women of the Asian continent. I can proudly say that I've gotten over yellow fever. As a great MTV show once stated. NEXT!
Dear family of the ex, I don't care what you think of me. You appear very foolish when you badmouth me and call me a bad parent considering who I dumped. This also goes to the people who feel the need to keep me "updated" on a bunch of half wits' "thoughts" of me. I don't care. The only time I need any kind of update is when they all die slowly in a fire and need someone to identify the charred remains. That would be a bright spot in my day. Thank you, Merry Christmas. Dear knee and fucked off disc in my back, I will let a nice person sedate me and then slice into you. They will scrape, insert rods and perform other intensive procedures if you don't get it together. I have great medical coverage at this time and think it may be time to stop living by your limitations. You have been warned. I know we have been through a lot together but pull your fucking weight.