That's a Dealbreaker

Tonight I was surrounded by a multitude of successful, fairly attractive men. Being Persian, they all were wearing shiny shirts and belts.

After talking to some of them, I realized they were all fairly decent guys, but I just couldn't take them seriously. I mean, if I can't look at their shirts without getting blinded, it's safe to say there is no potential for a relationship.

I despaired that "peacocking" (hate that term) had to be so undesirable, because otherwise these would be great guys, but I just can't stand the damn shiny shirts.

So I wondered, what other hangups do people have? Is everything going fine on a date until they mention they have three cats? Does monkey neck make your stomach churn? Do you find the hooker in the freezer too cliche to be sexy?

Focus: What absolutely turns you off from a person?

 

Men with long hair are quite unattractive to me. I'm talking about hair long enough to put it into a ponytail. Unless you are Native American, then it is hot.

Men who wear makeup are definitely out, unless they are a rock star on stage.

Men who live in their mom's basement. No fucking way.

 

A bad laugh. I tend to joke around a lot so a woman with a bad laugh is just plain out. Laugh like a sheep in heat? Sorry it's not going to work out.

The absolute worst though was this one girl I dated for a while in college that had NO laugh. She was one of those rare soul-less people that hears/sees something funny and just never laughs. At best you get what looks like a patronizing smile and a "that's funny. You're funny." I thought I was bombing big time till the mutual friend that introduced us told me she's been like that since they were kids and they'd known each other since 1st grade. Ugh. No thanks. So creepy.

 

Sanity.

 

I'm pretty much the opposite of this as I have never really liked short hair on women. Everyone once in a while you see a girl who can really pull it off, but in general I want shoulder length or longer.

Another big turn off for me is the 'tomboy' type of girl. If I'm gonna date someone I want her to dress and act like a girl, which means heels and makeup and that sort of thing. I dated a girl once who was pretty cool but she was a bit of a hippy, so it was always jeans and t-shirts and a minimum of makeup. That's fine from time to time, but not when its constant.

If that makes me shallow, so be it.

 

Bad teeth. Can't do it. The thought of those teeth in that mouth touching me anywhere just makes me shudder. I'm talking really yellow, really crooked, really missing, anything.

Body odor, which should be a given, so let me explain more. I hear that Brad Pitt has some hygiene issues and could possible smell bad. I have seen some pictures of him that supported that little piece of celebrity gossip. If that was the case, as much as it would pain me, I really would have to kick him out of bed.

 

It's a deal breaker for me if you:
Own anything Ed Hardy.
Are prettier than I am.
Like Nickleback.
Don't like chocolate milk.

 

Laughs... Some of the hottest women I've ever met have had the worst laughs.

 

Clinginess/hyperinsecurity. Never again, man, never again.

 

My Female Dealbreakers:

- Arm-Pit Hair.

I understand that during winter months, you'll go days/weeks without shaving your legs. I get that, I appreciate that. However, there is NO excuse to have hair under your arms. I see arm-pit hair on a pretty girl, and I'm repulsed.

- Text-Talking.

The second I hear a girl say, "O-M-G' rather than Oh My God/Gosh/Goodness, I will lose enormous amounts of respect for her.

- Bag-Whores.

If they've spent more money on their bag/purse than the rest of their outfit than I'm out. I know it's because I'm a guy, but I cannot even fathom spending $2000 plus on a bag. One of my old co-workers would literally go out and buy a new bag every month or so. She was also a text-talker. I pity her future husband(s).

 

Aside from the normal things like kids, bad hygiene, being ugly, I can't be with a woman who isn't currently in college or doesn't have some form of degree. Generally to me this signifies a lack of motivation or just plain laziness. I've only broken that once for a massage therapist (getting certified is somewhat similar to a degree) cause who would turn away tons of free massages anyway?

Bad teeth have to go and I don't want to be unrealistic, but a body weight more than half of mine (i.e. 125) is unacceptable unless shes 6' or something.

Now throw in a girl with some interesting fetishes and I'm down.

 

Ugg boots, or any similar kind of boot. Also, rubber golashes or whatever they're called these days. Especially if she's dragging her feet. If you're going to wear hideous boots, don't draw my attention to them by dragging your feet. And don't wear any skirts or stretchy pants or whatever that will amplify how big the damn boots look compared to the rest of you.

While I guess this technically wouldn't be a deal breaker, it is one of my biggest pet peeves.

 

People who are hyper-reactive to small things. For example, I was watching a movie with a girl who flipped out when a small spider walked across the floor. It was 8 feet away and not moving in our direction, yet she was standing on the couch. If it's not a camel spider with fangs that are dripping blood or have a small child still caught in them, there's no reason for anyone to lose their composure. Chill the fuck out while I either set it free, or smash it with your shoe.

Anyone who can't chew with their mouth closed, or talks with their mouth full. At some point along the way it seems like this became optional, and it blows my mind. If I ask them to stop, it results in an awkward moment, and makes me look like an ass.

 

I'll second the ugg boots, and add excessive makeup. Look, I understand some women have had problems with acne, or are insecure about whatever, but you don't need to look like someone took a fire extinguisher directly to your face.

Two more things: excessively hairy arms (brunettes usually have a worse run of this), and fucked up feet.... I'm not sure why, but that shits' just not cool.

And I thought the armpit hair was a given?

 

Independence, or at least, a spark thereof.

I know far too many people who, aside from their age, are still children when it comes to their parents' involvement in their lives. What to study in university, what to do with their lives, which types of boys are appropriate to go out with, calling home to ask permission if they can hang out after an exam, etc. Separate from this, there's a fair number of people who, well into the age where they should be establishing financial independence, are still receiving enormous purchases from their parents; cars, vacations, Coach bags, so forth. Living with your parents in your early 20's is one thing, as is having them support you financially through school, but that's a far cry from sublimating every inch of self-determination or letting someone else pay for an extravagant lifestyle.

 

Smoking. I grew up in a house where most of my life my dad smoked, but I would not want to deal with it from someone I was dating. I just don't see how people can do it anymore not only for the health risks, but how the hell can you afford it?

Has to have a sense of humor. I like to joke around a lot and so do all my friends, so if you wouldn't enjoy being around that it'd be tough to be around me. Along this same line is if they were ditsy and I would always have to explain stuff to them. A friend of mine's wife falls very much into this and it's a drag to be around her.

 

Alien-like labia. It frightens me.

 

If she believes Loose Change is true, or believes in any way that anyone other than Al Qaida committed 9/11. I had a girlfriend who fell for that crackpot bullshit once, and it was all downhill after that. As I told her, that isn't about politics, that's about credulity and logical thinking.

Turns out women who can be talked into anything isn't always hitting the jackpot.