Thank You for the Lovely Evening. Let's Never Do It Again!

I think Steve Urkel aged 50 years, dressed in drag, and made video number 14. I will never be able to listen to "Closer" again without having an image of her having sex.

 

Blind dates are never a good idea, especially when your counterpart is an overweight Mexican chick whose idea of good clothes is a large plain grey t-shirt and crappy jeans.

I met her at the theatre and the moment I saw her I knew I was screwed and had to get out of there. Unfortunately for me, I hadn't arranged some great excuse in advance to leave so I had to come up with one on the fly. I could have done the honorable thing; watch the movie and then politely leave afterwards. But no, I was getting the fuck out of Dodge and fast. I hardly made it through the previews when my adolescent mind decided this line was a great excuse to leave.

I literally told her that I forgot I had arranged to donate blood that day and had to leave.

It was a shitty move, but I have no regrets for what I did because it was just such a relief to get out of there. And my female friend who arranged the event really didn't mind. I'm sure she was laughing her ass off before we ever met.

 

Danny

Danny:
"I look for . . .features."

Nothing in particular. Just have them.

Nothing like setting your standards high, eh pal?

Need Not apply:

 

I was set up on a blind date once. I picked the girl up at her apartment and we had only made it about half a mile towards the restaurant when she looked at the car next to us and said, "What are you niggers looking at?"

She wasn't joking.

She noticed my mouth open and asked if I was offended by that. I replied, "I honestly thought it was impossible to offend me. You've proven me wrong."

Then she wanted to know why I was making a U-turn in the middle of a busy street. I didn't answer. I just drove the half-mile back to her apartment building and she dutifully exited the car when we pulled to a stop.

It still blows my mind, when I think about it. She made it less than three minutes into a first date before shouting a racial slur. Makes me wonder what the second date, third date, wedding, etc. could have been like.

 

I've dealt with mild shyness and social anxiety since about 9th grade, and after watching these videos, I can honestly say that I'm cured. Not fucking kidding. Any time I go out from now on, I'll just think of these people and suddenly become the coolest guy in the room.

On a lighter note, I started laughing before I even started #4. The video still was enough to send me into hysterics. The guy in #3 looks like he'd ask his date whether he should wear his shirt up, down, or possibly tucked in.

#2 is the best. His downfall is like watching Requiem for a Dream condensed into 80 seconds.

 

KungFu Mike?

 

I think the most amazing thing about this is the fact that this service exists from Comcast.

Why the fuck and I watching DVR shit and overpriced porn when I can use my cable box to meet the love of my life?

"Dad, how did you meet mom?"

"Well, I selected Hornychick69 on my cable box thinking it was a porno. A woman popped up on the screen, talking about inane things, and what she wanted in a guy. I figured it was your usual porno pre-fuck convo. But it kept going. Eventually I blew my load, and she was still clothed, and I realized it was a dating video.

So, I had gotten that far with your mom before even meeting her, so I figured I owed the woman a fancy dinner at Denny's. "

 

Number 11 " the worst thing a girl could do on a date with me is ... urinate on me." I'm pretty sure he means best thing. Amiright?


My worst dating experience was pretty much a blind date. I'd met the girl before but was too drunk to remember what she looked like. I guess I shouldn't have gone for it on that basis alone. Nevertheless we met up and within 10 minutes she was going on about how she loved to fuck guys without protection. Probably not the biggest turn on.
I told her my stance on wrapping up my junk so it doesn't fall off and was called 'unexciting' for my troubles. Classy chick, that one.

 

I met a guy online years ago on a rave message board I used to frequent during my exstacy and phat pants era. It turned out that we had a couple friends in common so we decided to meet up in real life and watch a couple movies at his house.

When I got there the guy was nothing like he had described himself and I wasn't remotely attracted to him but since he seemed harmless and funny I stuck around to hang out. Honestly looking back I am sure the only reason I stayed was so I wouldn't have to make an awkward reason why I had to leave right after I arrived, 17 year old me was a wuss at confrontation and hurting peoples feelings.

Everything was going fine right up until I went to leave, good conversation and great ganj but as I was putting on my coat and shoes I looked up and was met with him holding his erect penis. I was shocked and didn't know what to say and just stood in place completely stunned while he explained that even though he could tell I wasn't into him I should at least give him a handjob for renting the movies and also because he was a 25 year old virgin.

I didnt even respond and bailed out the front door while he was yelling after me not to tell our mutual friends what happened.

I would like to say I didn't tell anyone but 17 year old me was a horrible gossip so within a week everyone knew about our "date" and he was shunned for being so desperate.

Last I heard he was into dudes.

 

Now, I'm gonna want the milk-steak boiled over hard, and a side of your finest jelly beans--raw.

 

I got set up by a co-worker when I worked for a bookie. My date wanted to drive, so she picked me up. We had the same first name, but only one of us had given over their life to Jesus. I asked her where we were going. She said it was a surprise and took me to a church service. The whole way there she chainsmoked with the windows up (mine didn't work). In the lobby of the church, I met her derranged mother who kept touching me. Afterwards, we went to a party, ie a youth group meeting. Everyone talked about God as I hung out in the bathroom. Later, she drove me home while chainsmoking and talking about Jesus. When we got to my apartment complex, I leapt out of her car before saying goodbye.

 

I don't see the problem... He's just giving ideas about new possible Dane Cook jokes... can't hate a brotha for that.

 

Dear Fragmaster (#12)

I know you are “goth as fuck” but would you consider dating me? I know you’d prefer a “goon” who is down with demons and shit, and while I’m not in touch with Satan like you requested, I do make excellent dark chocolate brownies. Will that do? I enjoy your voices. You can do your Chris Tucker voice for me any time. Knowing that you can be so positive despite all of your gothic shit is awesome! (P.S. Sorry the moderator who’s not as goth as you is giving you shit. He really is a total douch. He’s actually the one who threw the bitch brick through my window.) You really had me at “medical history”. I would never ask before a second date for mental health transcripts, but since you offered….
We should play Chutes & Ladders on our first date. With like dead shrunken goat heads and shit for playing pieces instead of those stupid little pink plastic pieces. Playing with those would be gay. Since you communicate so “good” I really look forward to talking with you over the phone. I’d PM you but I don’t want you to think I’m only banging you for goth points.

Love ~ sunnydemon69

P.S. I know you wanted someone you could pick up in case of fire, and while I don’t fit that requirement I just want you to know that fire safety is very important to me too! If one of your black dragon candles gets knocked over and sets or black bed of dark love on fire, I can carry you out of your mom’s basement. So no problem!

 

My mom set up a date with one of her friend's daughters. And it went downhill from there...

We went on a few dates, it didn't really click. Well, I liked her and it didn't reciprocate. She said she had a tall friend that had never dated that she wanted to introduce me to.

I pick her up, she seems like a nice girl. Then she starts going off on this crazy christian rant, and tells me how GWB is going to save the middle east because he has upstanding "Christian morals". I make a change in plans for our dinner arrangements from a nice Chinese place to Arby's.

I get there, order a large roast beef sandwich and chicken sandwich. She then tells me she's vegetarian.

Let's just say I didn't get very far with either of them. Arby's is awesome.

 

HOLY SHIT BROWNIES MY INTEREST IS PIQUED

Stand back, boys. I'm going to use my masculinely musky maneuvers to move this magnificent madame to matrimony. And brownies.

Just pick a chute and I've got a ladder to put in it.

Baby you and me together will climb to the TOP.

Don't worry babe, with me you get gamer points, which are even better than goth points. Every time we bouncity bounce your score multiplier goes up and a coin pops out of your head.

Plus if I step on your face your head and limbs retract into your turtle shell for some reason, and I can fling your body to into other women knocking them off a cliff to a horrific, yet hilarious and strangely satisfying, death.

That or, you know, you could just tell me where the brownies are and I'll be on my way.

P.S. You look great in that skirt.

P.P.S. Where are the brownies?

 

If you want to have a great first date, take her somewhere romantic like an abortion clinic. (It gets her thinking about sex.)

 

I don't know if it counts as going horribly wrong, because it didn't seem to at the time, but my VERY first date when I was twelve years old springs to mind. Yeah, there are funnier and more recent stories that could be told my most people, but the sheer cringeworthiness of mine has got to get a mention. I went with some girl to the cinema - not forgetting to inform her when she walked through the doors that "I haven't paid for your ticket, you need to buy one to get past this rope." Shudder. Then when we're watching the movie we both kind of acknowledge there should be some sort of kiss and after some uncomfortable, self-conscious smirking we make a pact - yes, an actual spoken agreement - that we will kiss on three. And we do. Without tongue.

Embarrassing in hindsight? Yes. But here's the best part:

After the movie ended and we were waiting outside to get picked up, I was fidgeting and looking around nervously, and she ACTUALLY GUESSED that I was hoping my mum wouldn't see her. "Do - do you want me to hide?" "*nervous chuckle* No, no.....not if you don't want to. Hah." This was our first and last date. Whoops.

Don't tell me pre-pubescent youths are too young for a relationship.