Adult Content Warning

This community may contain adult content that is not suitable for minors. By closing this dialog box or continuing to navigate this site, you certify that you are 18 years of age and consent to view adult content.

Thank You for the Lovely Evening. Let's Never Do It Again!

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Blue Dog, Oct 26, 2009.

  1. Blue Dog

    Blue Dog
    Expand Collapse
    Absentee Mod

    Reputation:
    49
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    1,646
    Location:
    South Louisiana
    15 Worst Dating Videos of All Time

    Now, I don't go on a lot of first dates, because obviously women become completely enamored with me almost immediately upon introduction and we always end up dating forever and living happily ever after. I'm just cool like that, you know what I am saying?

    But for the rest of you, almost everyone has experienced a bad first date, whether it be from conflicting personalities, lack of attraction, or just down-right hatred of the other person (like the time the girl got mad at me... uhh, my friend... for holding the door open for her).

    Focus:

    Tell a funny story of a first date gone horribly wrong. Bonus points if you actually made it to a second date.

    Or,

    Comment on the awesomeness of the poor Romeos y Juliettas in the videos.
     
  2. fuzzzy

    fuzzzy
    Expand Collapse
    Village Idiot

    Reputation:
    0
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    45
    I think Steve Urkel aged 50 years, dressed in drag, and made video number 14. I will never be able to listen to "Closer" again without having an image of her having sex.
     
  3. toddamus

    toddamus
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    397
    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2009
    Messages:
    5,312
    Location:
    Somewhere west of New York
    Blind dates are never a good idea, especially when your counterpart is an overweight Mexican chick whose idea of good clothes is a large plain grey t-shirt and crappy jeans.

    I met her at the theatre and the moment I saw her I knew I was screwed and had to get out of there. Unfortunately for me, I hadn't arranged some great excuse in advance to leave so I had to come up with one on the fly. I could have done the honorable thing; watch the movie and then politely leave afterwards. But no, I was getting the fuck out of Dodge and fast. I hardly made it through the previews when my adolescent mind decided this line was a great excuse to leave.

    I literally told her that I forgot I had arranged to donate blood that day and had to leave.

    It was a shitty move, but I have no regrets for what I did because it was just such a relief to get out of there. And my female friend who arranged the event really didn't mind. I'm sure she was laughing her ass off before we ever met.
     
  4. Misanthropic

    Misanthropic
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    204
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    2,102
    Danny

    Danny:
    "I look for . . .features."

    Nothing in particular. Just have them.

    Nothing like setting your standards high, eh pal?

    Need Not apply:
    [​IMG]
     
  5. The Good Doctor

    The Good Doctor
    Expand Collapse
    Average Idiot

    Reputation:
    0
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    90
    I was set up on a blind date once. I picked the girl up at her apartment and we had only made it about half a mile towards the restaurant when she looked at the car next to us and said, "What are you niggers looking at?"

    She wasn't joking.

    She noticed my mouth open and asked if I was offended by that. I replied, "I honestly thought it was impossible to offend me. You've proven me wrong."

    Then she wanted to know why I was making a U-turn in the middle of a busy street. I didn't answer. I just drove the half-mile back to her apartment building and she dutifully exited the car when we pulled to a stop.

    It still blows my mind, when I think about it. She made it less than three minutes into a first date before shouting a racial slur. Makes me wonder what the second date, third date, wedding, etc. could have been like.
     
  6. Rob4Broncos

    Rob4Broncos
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    7
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    1,845
    Location:
    Brooklyn
    I've dealt with mild shyness and social anxiety since about 9th grade, and after watching these videos, I can honestly say that I'm cured. Not fucking kidding. Any time I go out from now on, I'll just think of these people and suddenly become the coolest guy in the room.

    On a lighter note, I started laughing before I even started #4. The video still was enough to send me into hysterics. The guy in #3 looks like he'd ask his date whether he should wear his shirt up, down, or possibly tucked in.

    #2 is the best. His downfall is like watching Requiem for a Dream condensed into 80 seconds.
     
  7. roy jones

    roy jones
    Expand Collapse
    Experienced Idiot

    Reputation:
    0
    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2009
    Messages:
    176
    KungFu Mike?
     
  8. kuhjäger

    kuhjäger
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    9
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    2,149
    Location:
    Stockholm
    I think the most amazing thing about this is the fact that this service exists from Comcast.

    Why the fuck and I watching DVR shit and overpriced porn when I can use my cable box to meet the love of my life?

    "Dad, how did you meet mom?"

    "Well, I selected Hornychick69 on my cable box thinking it was a porno. A woman popped up on the screen, talking about inane things, and what she wanted in a guy. I figured it was your usual porno pre-fuck convo. But it kept going. Eventually I blew my load, and she was still clothed, and I realized it was a dating video.

    So, I had gotten that far with your mom before even meeting her, so I figured I owed the woman a fancy dinner at Denny's. "
     
  9. PeaMan

    PeaMan
    Expand Collapse
    Average Idiot

    Reputation:
    0
    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2009
    Messages:
    69
    Number 11 " the worst thing a girl could do on a date with me is ... urinate on me." I'm pretty sure he means best thing. Amiright?


    My worst dating experience was pretty much a blind date. I'd met the girl before but was too drunk to remember what she looked like. I guess I shouldn't have gone for it on that basis alone. Nevertheless we met up and within 10 minutes she was going on about how she loved to fuck guys without protection. Probably not the biggest turn on.
    I told her my stance on wrapping up my junk so it doesn't fall off and was called 'unexciting' for my troubles. Classy chick, that one.
     
  10. satan rae

    satan rae
    Expand Collapse
    Experienced Idiot

    Reputation:
    0
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    151
    Location:
    east coast
    I met a guy online years ago on a rave message board I used to frequent during my exstacy and phat pants era. It turned out that we had a couple friends in common so we decided to meet up in real life and watch a couple movies at his house.

    When I got there the guy was nothing like he had described himself and I wasn't remotely attracted to him but since he seemed harmless and funny I stuck around to hang out. Honestly looking back I am sure the only reason I stayed was so I wouldn't have to make an awkward reason why I had to leave right after I arrived, 17 year old me was a wuss at confrontation and hurting peoples feelings.

    Everything was going fine right up until I went to leave, good conversation and great ganj but as I was putting on my coat and shoes I looked up and was met with him holding his erect penis. I was shocked and didn't know what to say and just stood in place completely stunned while he explained that even though he could tell I wasn't into him I should at least give him a handjob for renting the movies and also because he was a 25 year old virgin.

    I didnt even respond and bailed out the front door while he was yelling after me not to tell our mutual friends what happened.

    I would like to say I didn't tell anyone but 17 year old me was a horrible gossip so within a week everyone knew about our "date" and he was shunned for being so desperate.

    Last I heard he was into dudes.
     
  11. BaseballGuyCAA

    BaseballGuyCAA
    Expand Collapse
    Average Idiot

    Reputation:
    0
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    74
    Location:
    UW-Oshkosh

    Now, I'm gonna want the milk-steak boiled over hard, and a side of your finest jelly beans--raw.
     
    #11 BaseballGuyCAA, Oct 26, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2015
  12. breakylegg

    breakylegg
    Expand Collapse
    Experienced Idiot

    Reputation:
    0
    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2009
    Messages:
    221
    Location:
    The Devil's Elevator
    I got set up by a co-worker when I worked for a bookie. My date wanted to drive, so she picked me up. We had the same first name, but only one of us had given over their life to Jesus. I asked her where we were going. She said it was a surprise and took me to a church service. The whole way there she chainsmoked with the windows up (mine didn't work). In the lobby of the church, I met her derranged mother who kept touching me. Afterwards, we went to a party, ie a youth group meeting. Everyone talked about God as I hung out in the bathroom. Later, she drove me home while chainsmoking and talking about Jesus. When we got to my apartment complex, I leapt out of her car before saying goodbye.
     
  13. Tey

    Tey
    Expand Collapse
    Village Idiot

    Reputation:
    0
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    48
    Location:
    NJ


    I don't see the problem... He's just giving ideas about new possible Dane Cook jokes... can't hate a brotha for that.
     
    #13 Tey, Oct 27, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2015
  14. The Skirt

    The Skirt
    Expand Collapse
    Average Idiot

    Reputation:
    0
    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2009
    Messages:
    51
    Location:
    Oklahoma City-ish (I miss CO)
    Dear Fragmaster (#12)

    I know you are “goth as fuck” but would you consider dating me? I know you’d prefer a “goon” who is down with demons and shit, and while I’m not in touch with Satan like you requested, I do make excellent dark chocolate brownies. Will that do? I enjoy your voices. You can do your Chris Tucker voice for me any time. Knowing that you can be so positive despite all of your gothic shit is awesome! (P.S. Sorry the moderator who’s not as goth as you is giving you shit. He really is a total douch. He’s actually the one who threw the bitch brick through my window.) You really had me at “medical history”. I would never ask before a second date for mental health transcripts, but since you offered….
    We should play Chutes & Ladders on our first date. With like dead shrunken goat heads and shit for playing pieces instead of those stupid little pink plastic pieces. Playing with those would be gay. Since you communicate so “good” I really look forward to talking with you over the phone. I’d PM you but I don’t want you to think I’m only banging you for goth points.

    Love ~ sunnydemon69

    P.S. I know you wanted someone you could pick up in case of fire, and while I don’t fit that requirement I just want you to know that fire safety is very important to me too! If one of your black dragon candles gets knocked over and sets or black bed of dark love on fire, I can carry you out of your mom’s basement. So no problem!
     
  15. Pow

    Pow
    Expand Collapse
    Experienced Idiot

    Reputation:
    0
    Joined:
    Oct 27, 2009
    Messages:
    177
    My mom set up a date with one of her friend's daughters. And it went downhill from there...

    We went on a few dates, it didn't really click. Well, I liked her and it didn't reciprocate. She said she had a tall friend that had never dated that she wanted to introduce me to.

    I pick her up, she seems like a nice girl. Then she starts going off on this crazy christian rant, and tells me how GWB is going to save the middle east because he has upstanding "Christian morals". I make a change in plans for our dinner arrangements from a nice Chinese place to Arby's.

    I get there, order a large roast beef sandwich and chicken sandwich. She then tells me she's vegetarian.

    Let's just say I didn't get very far with either of them. Arby's is awesome.
     
  16. Allord

    Allord
    Expand Collapse
    Disturbed

    Reputation:
    0
    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2009
    Messages:
    388
    Location:
    The Nightmares of children with a 30" Dildo
    HOLY SHIT BROWNIES MY INTEREST IS PIQUED

    Stand back, boys. I'm going to use my masculinely musky maneuvers to move this magnificent madame to matrimony. And brownies.

    Just pick a chute and I've got a ladder to put in it.

    Baby you and me together will climb to the TOP.

    Don't worry babe, with me you get gamer points, which are even better than goth points. Every time we bouncity bounce your score multiplier goes up and a coin pops out of your head.

    Plus if I step on your face your head and limbs retract into your turtle shell for some reason, and I can fling your body to into other women knocking them off a cliff to a horrific, yet hilarious and strangely satisfying, death.

    That or, you know, you could just tell me where the brownies are and I'll be on my way.

    P.S. You look great in that skirt.

    P.P.S. Where are the brownies?
     
  17. Dcc001

    Dcc001
    Expand Collapse
    New Bitch On Top

    Reputation:
    322
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    4,032
    Location:
    Sarnia, Ontario
    In the interest of fairness, I think I should point out that #12, the "Goth as fuck!" dude, is in fact one of the two guys who made the mocumentary FUBAR. For those of you that haven't seen that movie: SHAME ON YOU!!! GO AND RENT IT NOW!!! One of the funniest movies ever. The same guys did It's All Gone, Pete Tong. So I'm guessing that one's a bit fake. Funny, but fake.
     
  18. SaintBastard

    SaintBastard
    Expand Collapse
    Disturbed

    Reputation:
    1
    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2009
    Messages:
    293
    Location:
    Dirty South
    If you want to have a great first date, take her somewhere romantic like an abortion clinic. (It gets her thinking about sex.)
     
  19. Bird

    Bird
    Expand Collapse
    Village Idiot

    Reputation:
    0
    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2009
    Messages:
    13
    Location:
    UK
    I don't know if it counts as going horribly wrong, because it didn't seem to at the time, but my VERY first date when I was twelve years old springs to mind. Yeah, there are funnier and more recent stories that could be told my most people, but the sheer cringeworthiness of mine has got to get a mention. I went with some girl to the cinema - not forgetting to inform her when she walked through the doors that "I haven't paid for your ticket, you need to buy one to get past this rope." Shudder. Then when we're watching the movie we both kind of acknowledge there should be some sort of kiss and after some uncomfortable, self-conscious smirking we make a pact - yes, an actual spoken agreement - that we will kiss on three. And we do. Without tongue.

    Embarrassing in hindsight? Yes. But here's the best part:

    After the movie ended and we were waiting outside to get picked up, I was fidgeting and looking around nervously, and she ACTUALLY GUESSED that I was hoping my mum wouldn't see her. "Do - do you want me to hide?" "*nervous chuckle* No, no.....not if you don't want to. Hah." This was our first and last date. Whoops.

    Don't tell me pre-pubescent youths are too young for a relationship.