The guys from Mystery Science Theater 3000 are putting out what they call "RiffTrax", which are mp3's of themselves ripping on movies, which you can listen to while watching the movie. Here is a best of compilation of their take on Twilight. Hysterical:
I hate that this shit is so popular. I haven't read the books and don't plan to. Saw about 15 minutes of the first movie at my buddy's place because his wife was watching it. I find it amazing that Meyer's made over $50M last year on the first book. I have to imagine that the books are an easy read and since some very intelligent people I know read them I classify them as a guilty pleasure read, kind of like my Clive Cussler books I read from time to time. If you're into the whole vampire thing I strongly recommend The Historian. An interesting take on Vlad Dracula.
I have tears streaming down my face as I type this, and my ribs are literally aching from laughing so fucking hard at these Twi-tards. Some of this has to be fake......right!? Methinks someone should prepare herself for the certain eventuality of getting a Taylor Swift poster and diet advice for her birthday. "This is to inspire YOU, baby! Can't wait for those last 20 pounds to melt so you'll be MY physical ideal!" Um, gross. Minus the hilarious (intentionally disgusting?) misspelling, the bestiality, and the fact that 43 of her out-of-touch peers decided this "Wasn't Twilight Enough", this one is (in my mind) only slightly worse than the multiple variations of this: Dear God. Twilight has given teenage boys a manual AND script for getting laid. But they all must hand over their balls first. I'm fully confident that those poor dears won't hesitate a fucking second, bless their little pussy-hungry hearts.
A comedian held a Twilight intervention disguised as a premiere screening. Funny, but it could have been much better.
First off, I have never seen Twilight, read the books, or had any desire whatsoever to see/read them. EVER. I find the whole thing annoying and stupid. But, I must digress since I'm not a 14 year old girl. My friends, however, can't get enough of it. Anytime any of them, most notably the guys, say Team Edward I have to restrain from punching them in the face. Tonight, I went to the movies with a date. The only drink cups and tubs of popcorn they had available were Twilight-memorabilia ones. The hard plastic kind you can keep as mementos. After the movie, my date wanted to keep them. I won't be seeing her again.
So apparently this was missed: Cullenism. I beg somebody to come up with a "value" that Twilight instills in our young teens, and "emotional abuse," while a good guess, doesn't cut it. Also, this dumb bitch says in her opening paragraph "We are not a religion," yet spends the rest of the page comparing Twilight and Cullenism to the beginnings of Christianity, and the most recent discussion topic is, "What are your thoughts on considering Cullenism as a religion?", started by the same fucking girl. Why, when these people were searching for something to latch onto to give their vapid meaningless lives some purpose, Twilight had to be the only thing around?
Sadly Stone isn't a good enough comedian to make the intervention monologue work, but damn if it wasn't funny when he pointed out that they had come to a magic theater to watch Twilight.
There's nothing that can surprise me about the men teenage girls lust after. Go to 1:22. I wonder if Hitler had been a vampire would he be even more attractive? Or maybe he was actually a vampire, that'd explain a lot. It's actually a fairly good comparison, considering how incredibly manipulative Hitler and this main character from Twilight seem to be. I remember way back being linked to a blog of some chick contemplating what the film would be like minus the vampire aspect. As in the entire film with all the scenes of him demonstrating his powers left out, and the conclusion she came to was that he would come off as a creepy manipulative fuck toying with the girl's emotions to get into her pants. I have no interest in actually reading or viewing Twilight, or even looking up the blog, so I'm just an impartial observer.
So you don't date Canadians? On a only vaguely related note, I once had a girl I sat next to on the first day of one of my high school classes tell me I looked uncannily like Angel from Buffy. Now, granted I had no idea who the hell Angel was, and my knowledge of Buffy was and still is encompassed within the statements "It is a television show that people watch. On television." I was somewhat nonplussed by the statement. But hey, some random girl was talking to me, what the hell did I care what her motives were? It turned out that this girl was actually not only a massive nerd, but a weeaboo as well. We wound up going and seeing the second Pirates of the Carribbean movie together when it came out, which I guess could count as my first real date, but the whole thing was pretty awkward and her perpetual overt expression of attraction towards godd ol' Cap'n Jack, and her hisses of jealousy towards Elizabeth threw a pretty heavy damper on the situation. Afterwards she just kept going on and on about how much she hated Elizabeth for kissing her man at the end, and was almost in tears that Jack got eaten. I got the hell out of there pretty quick. Different movie, same fanboy(girl)ism. Now that I think about it, I don't think she ever actually learned my name. She just called me Angel all the time. She was pretty fucking crazy, I'm sure if I'd stuck around with her for much longer she'd have wanted me to start acting like him too, which would be hard granted I've never even seen an episode of Buffy. But I hear it is a television series. On television. Perhaps I should have sat in the corner and waited for her to come over and turn me on, then I'd be just like a television. Or a boy in a coma whose uncle has bought him a prostitute for his unconscious 18th birthday. Question: How does a comatose 18 year old eat his birthday cake? Answer: Through a feeding tube. Question: How does a comatose 18 year old fuck a hooker? Answer: With his penis, dumbass. I've been up for way too long. Fuck finals.
I've seen some of your women, not exactly much better. Frankly, when I become King of all Canadia, I plan on invading and conquering Australia and Sweden for their women-folk and leaving vast tracks of wasteland behind the marauding armies of my country.
I was channel surfing the other day and came across an interview with Ms Meyer, and discovered that she wrote Twilight over the course of one summer, sent it to a couple publishing houses and was basically being put to print by October. All of this, on a fucking whim. The concept that she just woke up one day and started writing based on a dream she had about two angsty whiners in a "beautiful field" is just mind boggling. On a separate note, half the cast looks sickly and the other half is mostly underage. 40-something housewives, please stop your obsessive nonsense. The woman who gave Pattinson her underwear, go home, lock yourself in your room and reflect on the events in your life that led you to that point. In all honesty I would be okay with the whole thing if it was closer to the fanboyism that follows Star Trek and Star Wars. They don't ooze into my everyday life, they don't foul up my TV time, they don't worm their way in to my Google news bulletins, they keep their fanaticism to themselves, and I can get behind that.
Wow, I don't even know what to say about that site, but I did see this on there: http://www.mylifeistwilight.com/view/Love/5628/ I need to start drinking faster and try to forget I ever read that.
There are some awesome vampire stories out there. Anne Rice's vampires kick so much ass it's not even funny to compare them to the twilight series. Stephen King also wrote a little story about a few vampires too. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/%27Salem%27s_Lot Easily, the scariest bunch of bloodsucking fuckers on the planet. No wonder Mr.King didn't appreciate Ms.Meyers attempts. A fad is just that, a fad. How can a poorly written series piss so many people off? Easily, it looks like. For people who enjoy True Blood on HBO, the author of the series seems like a nice sort, so I'll pimp her books for free. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charlaine_Harris While not in the same league as Mr.King or Mrs.Rice, the books are fun reads. (Could you imagine the conversation between Edward & Lestat? I'd buy that book.) My wife bought and read all the twilights, so I guess I bought them too. I won't be reading them though, I probably would if I was thirteen or fourteen.
I saw the abortion that is New Moon on the weekend. I was bored, it was hot and I wanted to go sit in the movies where at least it is cool. I wanted to see Where the Wild Things Are but I had recently lost a bet to a female friend of mine who's all gushy over Twilight (which I find strange, as she is very intelligent), the wager of which is that I would take her to see New Moon. Which is what I did. I have never walked out of a movie in my life, but I was sorely tempted to. If I didn't have two churros, a double ice cream, a large lemonade and a promise that I would never live down for breaking, I would have. It was the biggest piece of shit on film. Even my Twilight loving friend, who gushed and wouldn't shut up before we got there reckoned it was a steaming pile of pig vomit. She has apologised to me at least a dozen times since Saturday. So, in short, fuck 'em both; with a double ended stake wrapped in silver razorwire. It was interesting to see three minutes of Dakota Fanning act like a 500 year old vampire though.
I had the misfortune of seeing the second half of Twilight while waiting for my drummer's girlfriend to finish with the tv. We needed to redeem ourselves with some call of duty: world at war online. When i wasn't cracking jokes and pretty much ruining it for the poor girl (saving her), I was crying on the inside. And i'm pretty sure it made me have to poop. PLUS (negative) my younger sister has an obsession with jacob. its all i hear about. her phone is filled with pictures of a half-naked 17 year old. she is 13. thats reason enough to be killed by firing squad, id say. I enjoy convincing her that he is gay. Anyway, hands down, this cunt of an author has ruined what was once a great movie monster. Somebody needs to send James Woods in there to eradicate those pieces of dog shit.