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Team Indifference: Fuck Edward and Jacob

Discussion in 'All-Star Threads' started by Dmix3, Dec 2, 2009.

  1. Benzilla

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    [​IMG]
     
  2. Facepalm

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    This. I think "Buffy" (the TV show) was probably the last popular "vampire" program where the vampires were actually vampires, and not sparkly emo pussies. Although (nerd knowledge on) I wonder why nobody points out that Angel was over 250 when he screwed high school-aged Buffy (nerd knowledge off).

    As for the "My Life Is Twilight" site - shit like that is why my username is Facepalm.
     
  3. FoamyBologna

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    Because Angel is the man. Wouldn't you want to take down hot, young chicks if you were that old?

    Fucking Twilight. I read the first book at the recommendation of my girlfriend at the time. Give me a break. If girls weren't ruined by Disney as kids they'll be completely fucked reading this as adolescents/young adults.
     
  4. Benzilla

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    Maybe because something cool actually happened after he screwed Buffy. He activated a gypsy curse that made him a badass vampire again. I think I remember that he threatened to rape Willow to death, that's hardcore!
     
  5. LadyLecter

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    http://www.cracked.com/funny-36-twilight/

    This has to be one of my favorite summaries of the Twilight series.

    Lessons girls learn from New Moon:

    And the horror:

    http://io9.com/5407713/the-30-most-dist ... s/gallery/

    This list of products is horribly creepy. Some of the highlights include panties with Edward's mouth and chin on the INSIDE of the crotch, a Jacob cross-stitch pattern (shirtless of course), a shower curtain with a 3 foot tall Edward's face on it, the felt womb someone else mentioned, and of course, a pale dildo that "really sparkles!" (note: I mentioned this to someone I knew who had actually seen the product page and apparently it also retains cold so you can pop it in the fridge first for some real, cold, necrophiliac lovin)
     
  6. SaintBastard

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    Why did you cancel? You could of did each others hair and talk about boys afterward until your periods cycled together.

    Focus: Fuck new moon. I'm sure it will be a cult classic anyway. As in it makes you want to drink poisoned Kool-Aid afterward.
     
  7. redbullgreygoose

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    I don't player hate on Twilight. The movies and the entire franchise is very marketable and makes A LOT of money. That's what sticks out to me the most about the entire thing.

    Summary of the first two movies:
    Edward (the vampire) and Bella end up falling in love, but the fact that he's a vampire who wants to murder and suck her blood puts a huge strain on their relationship. Jacob (bella's friend) and their family hate Edward and his family because his Native American ancestors found them hunting on their property something like 100 years ago. This ended up in a Treaty between both of them that defines their territories all over town. Bella and Edward work through it and the first one ends. The second movie picks up where the first one leaves off. Edward leaves Bella right as the second movie starts to protect her from him and his family's blood sucking urges. Bella spirals into a huge depression and ends up hanging out with her long lost friend Jacob again. She discovers that hanging out with Jacob lifts her from the depression she's been having since Edward abandoned her. But then Jacob abandons her too. When bella goes to check up on him he's been changed into a werewolf. But then all the sudden Edward comes back into the picture (After he tries to kill himself because if he has to live as a vampire without bella life just isn't worth living)! AND BELLA DOESN'T KNOW WHO TO CHOOSE! She's torn between two "monsters" who both love her and have violent tendencies that could end up hurting her badly/killing her. On one hand, Jacob was there for her when Edward wasn't. But on the other, Edward and Bella have history.

    I'm with team Jacob. They had this one bad ass scene where the werewolf hunt down and kill another vampire that Edward's family is rivals with and was trying to kill Bella. Plus, Edward does look like a bitch. And Jacob looks like a bad ass. So to address that discussion earlier in the thread, I'm pretty sure Twilight did that to cater all the girls, whether they like guys like Edward of guys like Jacob.
     
  8. Bryan

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    That's what vampires love about high school girls: they keep getting older through the centuries, but HS girls stay the same age.

    I consider myself pretty feministic and am disappointed by the popularity of Twilight as it basically reveals that many females (tweens to college girls to moms) embrace male dominance and female submissiveness.

    While this is annoying to me on a personal level (the hypocrisy of girls who bitch about the inequalities in the world and how male/female differences are only superficial and they want to be treated just like guys, but still want to lie their head on my shoulder and be held and coddled), I also know that in extant sexually dimorphic catarrhines (which includes Old World Monkeys, orangs, gorillas, and chimps), females tend to be accepting and perhaps even fond, of dominating and/or possessive male behavior (i.e. cessation of lactational anestrus in the face of infanticide and allowing copulation with the infanticidal male in question). You know what other species happens to be a catarrhine? Homo sapiens.

    It is what it is, but perhaps not what it should be. Despite the efforts of Western culture, a preference for a certain degree of submissiveness is ineradicable in a high frequency of females.
     
  9. swood

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    Exactly, it's no different than Hugh Hefner and his playboy bunnies, except at least vampires look younger. Vampires have always had a thing for young sexy high schoolers, because who wants to watch something with David Boreanaz, or Rob Pattison, putting the moves on Betty White. Jacob and his baby fetish though, that I find sick.

    I actually feel a little bit sorry for Robert Pattison and Kirsten Stewart because they both seem a little bit uncomfortable with the extreme fame that has been thrust upon them. As I've understood from interviews they both signed on for this little independent film never expecting it to blow up the way it did, and are now contracted to continue. I read, albeit a woman's tabloid magazine, that R. Pattison actually fears for his life a bit, and I don't blame him. It wouldn't surprise me if one of these girls went John Hinckley Jr. and tried to kill either him or Kirsten Stewart.
     
  10. nickygonzo

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    http://io9.com/5096763/twilight-makes-for-the-best-fanwank-ever

    I guess ol' robby isn't a huge fan of the books or the movie, and is really only doing the movies because hes contracted too.

    On the flipside the guy can get as much batshit-crazy pussy as he wants so I don't feel too sorry for him.

    Also, a hilarious breakdown of the book by numbers, this list seriously opened my eyes as to how crazy the woman who wrote this book is. I mean I just thought she was kind of a talentless J.K. Rowling, but it turns out shes actually some crazy middle aged Mormon woman who wrote down her own sexual fantasies about pseudo-underage vampire sex.

    http://otahyoni.livejournal.com/130432.html
     
  11. c_norris

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    I threw the first one out the third-story window halfway through it. What a massive paper turd. I wasn't really paying attention to the disturbing clusterfuck nature of the relationships between characters as much as Bella's, and the book in general's, stupendous tepidity. The entire time I felt as if some emotionally raped, depressing-as-hell misfit teenage girl had come up to me in real life and starting giving me her imbecilic, horrifyingly retarded life story.

    Mind you, I did this of my own accord merely to see if I could stomach it. And I couldn't do it.

    Thanks, Stephenie Meyer, for wasting an hour and a half of my life. Fuck you and your ninth-grade writing skills and fantasies.

    EDIT: Just saw Stephen King's "criticism" of the books. Holy hell.

    From Wackypedia
    I want desperately to interview him off camera about it. I live close enough to him to do it, too.
     
  12. Beefy Phil

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    That is just spectacular. I'm going huff a bunch of spray paint out of a tube sock and read this book. None of the others. Just this one. Context would ruin the experience. It sounds like this woman took her homemade porn and made it twinkle for Jesus.
     
  13. SaintBastard

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    The worst thing about this fad are all the retards who seem to be adamant that they are vampires, werewolves, you know.. all that happy shit.

    You have all these people trying to be these big, bad fantasy creatures in order to cover up for their pathetic, empty life. "Oooh look, I'm a Vampire" No you're not, you're a self-loathing whinebag with a stupid haircut, pants so tight you can tell what religion you are, and a tatty ankle length black coat that not even the homeless would wear. Go dribble some more cherry coke on yourself for that 'just been necking virgins' look. When I look at you, I don't see a gaunt creature of the night; I see two disappointed parents.

    "Oh no, see I'm a werewolf!" Fuck you, no you're not. That amount of body hair is due to a complete lack of personal hygiene, and your otherworldly breath is acid indigestion from eating too many chocolate-covered raisins while you watch Pokemon re-runs in your parent's damp basement. Go ahead and start a band with a castrated, troubled youth singing to a mixture of random power chords, mass amounts of heroin, and your "horrible" lives. You suck lethal amounts of horse genitalia and I am embarrassed to be a member of the same species as you.

    Then you get these people that have spent so long lying to themselves that they are these fictional beings that they've started to believe the shitty little webs they spin. It's just a smokescreen they wrap around themselves in the hope that no-one else will judge them for who they really are. It's crazy how they can spin a fairy story around themselves as a protective shell.
     
  14. deltabelle

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    Oh, you thought a sparkly, ice cold dildo was as scary as it gets? How about for the sparkle-vamp loving dude in your life?
    [​IMG]
    I give you the Succu-dry. And that is in fact what you think you're seeing: a Fleshlight with fangs. It even has "realistic" (although who the judge of that was, I don't even want to know) fang texture on the inside: http://gizmodo.com/5389919/have-a-happi ... -succu-dry.
    But don't worry, if that one doesn't quite work for you, it has competition in the Count Cockula. There's more than one company making these bad boys on the market.
    Congratulations, your brain has now been scarred.
     
  15. Punk

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    That Edward guy has such a punchable face.

    I think Twilight is stupid, but the kids I teach are obsessed with it. Whenever I get too overwhelmed by the lameness of twilight and growing vampire bandwagon, I think about this book, The Faggiest Vampire:

    http://www.amazon.com/Faggiest-Vampire- ... 027&sr=8-1

    Somebody linked to it on the old board, and while I haven't read it, the fact that it exists amuses me to no end.
     
  16. JoeCanada

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    Oh sure, the weird cat avatar guy is the the only one here who liked the Twilight Books.

    Yeah that's right, I liked them. I didn't love them, all I'm saying is that they were a good, easy read. The story got ridiculously cheesy a little too often, and it was frustrating having to see the world through the eyes of a teenage girl ("Ohhh, nooo, don't fight, a huge vampire vs. werewolf battle royale would be so baaad, let's just snuggle more"), but yeah - I liked the series.

    I gotta say, this seems like the same kind of thing as the Orah thread: a lot of unfounded hate. I'm not saying you have to love Twilight, but why do so many of you hate it? (A couple of you gave specific reasons, I'm just talking about the "Fuck Twilight!" people in general).
     
  17. Currer Bell

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    It doesn't matter if the books are not well written or the movie is horribly cheesy. The characters and the story resonated with people. To me it's pretty crappy, because it didn't resonate with me. (I've read the first two books and will read the rest only out of curiosity)

    There are plenty of crappy stories that I absolutely loved. Same with you all. Go to the guilty pleasures thread and you'll find many confessions to finding pleasure in drivel.

    A burgeoning pet peeve of mine is the phrase "help me to understand the appeal of..." People who ask that really don't want to understand the appeal of _____. They just want the opportunity to mock it. How about just saying, "Not my bag, man," and go about your business? I don't understand the appeal of sports, but I don't pull my hair out being annoyed by other people's obsession with it. I'm too focused on my own obsessions.

    Also, Twilight doesn't turn people crazy. They're already there and looking for an excuse to let it out. There are people like this in every generation. I laugh at the folks puzzling over the popularity of the Jonas Brothers. In my day it was NKOTB. In my mom's day it was the Monkees. Manufactured boy bands aren't anything new. Neither is the idea of the fantasy hero.

    Think Twilight promotes effed up views on relationships? Ever read Wuthering Heights or Jane Eyre? Centuries old book, still popular today, with lots of effed up shit in them. The funny thing is that Jane Eyre resonates with me, so I love it, meanwhile I want to stab anyone who tells me that Heathcliff and Catherine are the most romantic couple in literature. The thing is, that while I may swoon over Mr. Rochester, there is no way I'd actually want to marry someone like that in real life. Women who think their boyfriends or husbands should be like Edward already have a warped and immature view of relationships and the men should have been running away even before Edward reared his sparkly head.

    And last but not least, the whole "not really a vampire" thing. Vampires are fictional characters, and all fictional characters evolve. And different authors give their own spin on things. Have you ever seen Hamlet done the same way more than once? To say "vampires don't sparkle!" is like saying "there's no guitar riff in Moonlight Sonata!" Not only do musicians have the freedom to add that guitar riff, their listeners have the freedom to love it or to hate it or refuse to listen to it in the first place.
     
  18. jets22

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    I think alot of it really just boils down to jealousy. People don't like the fact that, despite lacking the ability to construct anything but the most paper-thin characters spouting out some of the shittiest dialogue I've read in a while (from excerpts from this thread, assholes), this Stephanie Meyer is literally bathing in money. The fact that these books are overwhelmingly targeted towards angsty teenage girls doesn't exactly help matters either. Personally I couldn't care less about Twilight. It doesn't really affect me in any part of my life, but I'm still completely confused why anyone that's not a teenage girl would find it enjoyable. Maybe it's me, but I doubt it.
     
  19. KIMaster

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    You can tell a fair amount about the mean education/intelligence/expectation level of a populace by the movies they watch. One particularly clear genre for this, especially for women, is romance. Seeing as how I watch a lot of films, including some romance, I thought it would be interesting to compare romance mega-hits from different eras. I haven't watched any of the Twilight films because I refuse to put money in the pockets of the people behind them, but I have (borrowed) the first book, and read the first 100 pages. Yeah.

    Anyways,

    1939- Gone with the Wind

    Great movie based on an even greater novel. While a romance, it was also an informative historical novel discussing the economics, personalities, and history of the South, as well as a great work of adventure. The female protagonist was an intelligent, tough, courageous, willful, and aggressive woman with numerous character flaws who was loved by an equally impressive yet flawed male protagonist. Again, great movie.

    Audrey Hepburn films of the 50s and 60s

    The story was nowhere near as exciting, original, or well told as "Gone with the Wind", but generally, these movies had a good grasp of reality, featured women with character, desirable but far from perfect male leads, and were solely based around the dialogue, which was generally more advanced and intelligent than anything we see in films today.

    1970- Love Story-

    More melodramatic than the films above, and based less around dialogue, but still an excellent movie made around a very well-written, legitimately good piece of literature. The female heroine is a bit more helpless here, but still fairly spirited and independent.

    1998- Titanic-

    Pretty big drop in quality. Mostly abandons realism in favor of escapist fantasy. Simplistic dialogue. Cliched and predictable story and cardboard characters, including a clear "bad guy" in the simplest sense, something that the films above lacked. Male lead with no obvious character flaws. Rather blase, unremarkable female lead.

    Basically, it's like a typical female romance novel with expensive set designs, soundtrack, and effects.

    2009- Twilight 2-

    No pretense of reality in any element of the story. No story or plot outside the romance of the main characters. Perfect guy. Completely description-less, weak-willed, insecure, angst-ridden girl. No redeeming characteristics. No real entertainment. Sophomoric dialogue written by the equivalent of a junior high student, and not a very intelligent one at that.

    Conclusion-

    On average, human beings, especially women, are becoming worse educated, increasingly intellectually lazy, simplistic in thoughts and desires, and more out of touch with reality.
     
  20. swood

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    The mylifeistwilight website is pure comedy gold. I'm hoping they've been getting wahooed alot because there's no way this person is real:

    A lot of these posters either have made-up boyfriends, or they're dating this guy, because seriously:


    And to finish: