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Success & Happiness isn't good enough!! GIVE ME A GRANDCHILD

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Frank, May 13, 2011.

  1. Slambrarian

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    My partner (girlfriend, wife, significant other, whatever) got a civil union almost a year ago. Neither of us were big on marriage, especially since it's not legal for us in most states. Neither of us were interested in a big wedding & probably would have waited until it was really legal, but getting a civil union made my second parent adoption of our son easier & a lot cheaper. Hell, we even celebrate the anniversary of when we first started dating over the civil union day. Since we already had kids and a house together nothing really felt any different after the civil union.

    We got together in our late 20's and I think it was the perfect time for us, we had finished our schooling, traveled a bunch, went through our "party years" so we were equally ready to get into a serious relationship and both wanted kids pretty quickly. I mean, we knew it would take time b/c we had to do it in an unconventional way, but after a few years of living together we knew it was time. Now we are 34 & 35 and have 2 boys (ages 3 & 1) and we are exactly where we want to be. We are working on fostering more kids with the hope of adopting in the future. We love having kids and doing things with them and introducing them to everything in the world. Since I was never a kid who dreamed about getting married/having a family, this worked out better than I ever could have imagined.
     
  2. shimmered

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    Erm. Ok.
    As I've been married (and divorced) twice thus far, I figure there's some explaining I could do.
    The first time, I wanted to get married because it was what I was supposed to do.
    The second time, I wanted to get married because I thought the person I was marrying wanted the same things I did, a partner, a companion, a confidante, a lover, a friend, and someone to look forward to every night.
    In both cases, I was wrong. I was very young the first time, and the second...well...I was still very very young.
    I'm 31 now. And female.
    I'm an idiot and a hopeless romantic, so yes, I'd probably consider doing it again. Definitely not young. There was so much I learned about myself in my 20s that I can't imagine making a marriage work while I'm figuring all of that mess out. Some people do, and man alive, fucking kudos to them because I'm not that girl.
    I like my situation right now. We've been together for a brief period (a couple of years), and we live together. We go to bed together at night because we want to be there, not because splitting up is a pain in the ass. We wake up together because we want to, he's who I want to see and he's who I want to be with. If I'm going to a baseball game or going riding or climbing or dancing, I want to do it with him, because I want to share those things with him. I like seeing him happy and I like being the one that makes him happy. He pretty much feels the same.
    If he wanted marriage, I'd consider it. I wouldn't jump into it tomorrow, but I don't dismiss the idea out of hand.
    I've got three kids.
    They're easy, great kids. My daughter's a pain in the ass because of her grades, but she's not a little whore, she's not sneaking around, and she's not acting like a total fucking fool. My boys are boys and they're baseball addicts and they're easy and low maintenance for the most part. They're all three independent and resourceful, which is more than I can say for their peers.
    The Guy has said he wants kids at some point. I placed a condition on that idea...my youngest is only eight. I'd like him to be a bit older before I delve into any of that baby raising stuff again.
     
  3. Luke 217

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    Seriously. We're trying to have a serious discussion here. Try not to derail the thread with your "civil unions" and your "partner" bullshit. Stick to the arty threads like Glee, or the homo erotic discussions that are in the MMA thread.
    Your gay agenda doesn't fit in here missy.

    I joke. God fucking bless you and your partner for giving them what they need. Two parents who give a fuck.
     
  4. Frank

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    Not to mention the ultimate trump card in any oneupmanship contest in middle school through high school:

    "Oh yeah, well two chicks dyke it out EVERY night in my house."
     
  5. Dcc001

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    A well-timed topic, given a discussion I was having with a coworker today.

    I'm 31, single, never married/no kids. When I was younger, I was adamant that I never wanted kids and I definitely never wanted to be married. I'm not entirely sure why the notion was planted in my head, but there it was. As I got older, I began to acknowledge that maybe at some point in the future I might want a child, but I'd be happy living common law or even having kids on my own.

    Then my 28th year turned into a shitstorm, and my perceptions changed.

    I very much want children. Not because I'm an only child and it's expected of me (it's not), and not because society says that I should. I want kids because I know I would make an excellent mother. I had wonderful parents, and I have a supportive family that would be a great environment for children to grow up in. I would also like to find the right person and get married. My reasoning is twofold: first, any adult I've met who didn't grow up with a mother and father is invariably damaged in some way. I intensely dislike the message that society sends sometimes that fathers and/or the family unit is unnecessary. Both are necessary for healthy children (or, in the case of same-sex couples, two present parents). My second reason: I've come to view marriage as something that you do when you're serious and want to build a future together despite any hardships it may cause. It's easy to shack up. It's no great stretch to live together and maybe have a joint chequing account. It takes balls to look each other in the eye and say, "Only you, for the rest of our lives, and we'll work and fight to keep it together."

    Anyway, back to why this is relevant to my conversation today. A coworker and I usually have lunch together a few times each week. I get to hear about his wife and kids and farm, he hears about my dogs and family back home. We've come to know each other quite well, and he came out with this gem: "I've noticed something about you. You are much better with people you don't know. The better you know someone, the more you push them away and disengage. You're far more apt to have a deep conversation with a relative stranger than you are with a close friend."

    This blew me away, as it was an insight I had never perceived about myself. I've never had a serious relationship. I've only had two 'official' relationships, and they both lasted less than three months. I'm a chronic FWB, FB, other woman, etc. If what my coworker says is true, and I am actually doing what he says I am, then I fear I'll never get what I want the most. And that makes me so sad.
     
  6. Crown Royal

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    I have been married for nearly five years, not bored, buut believe me nothing happens when you say "I do". Nothing changes and no we don't regret it, but if different strokes for different folks. You can never actually tell somebody they SHOULD get married just becuase you yourself like it. The same things goes for ecstasy.

    I have a two-year-old daughter that was born three months premature and has been through everything from RSV to contracting H1N1 to being in a head-on car accident. The chances of a second premature birth are likely, and I just don't know if I can go through 2 and a half months in the hospital again. That was a very long and draining time in my life that waterspouted all the magic and fun out of your child being born that I see pretty much everybody else experience. Excitement and wonder was replaced with terror and fatigue. She will probably be an only child, but I was an only child (pretty much the only one I ever knew) and I had a great childhood. She's the best thing ever to me, my heart beats for her and she's a riot 24-7 when she isn't causing me to dream up ways of killing myself. Remember, she's fucking TWO right now.

    Kudos to BD and welcome to fondly remembering a full night's sleep. That's gone with the Dodo for about 600 days or so, Brah.
     
  7. caseykasem

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    Focus: I'm 22 and not married. I don't really want to get married until 28-30. I'm career oriented and would like to have a little nest egg saved and be able to enjoy my 20's without any responsibility for anyone else. I would like to get married because I'm somewhat old fashioned and think that tradition matters.

    Considering I'm going to break up with the girlfriend tomorrow, I have no prospects and that's just fine with me. I want to experience life before settling down. Many of my friends are getting married this summer and next summer but I can't help but feel bad for them. They probably say the same about me.

    I'm not sold on having kids and am still figuring out exactly how I feel about them. I think that kids would be a lot of work but I can't imagine going through life without being a father. My father describes the feeling of fulfillment he felt watching my brother and I grow up and I would like the same. That said, I'm afraid of failing as a parent. Also, I'm not too optimistic about the future and don't know if I would really want to bring a child into this world.
     
  8. Danger Boy

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    When people ask me when my girlfriend and I are getting married, I tell them we're thinking maybe sometime around the 7th of Never.

    I just don't see the point.
     
  9. D26

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    I'm married, and I married my high school girlfriend. We've been together almost 11 years now, and we've been married for almost 3 years now. We're also just into the phase where we're thinking about kids. In other words, we're using zero protection, and if it happens, it happens, if not, that's fine too. We enjoy the ability to go on vacations whenever we want, go to dinner whenever we want, buy what we want, and having a lot of expendable income, but we both went into the marriage knowing we wanted kids (and knowing we wanted to stop at 2 kids).

    I don't really consider my marriage hard. We have issues, but all couples do. We get along well, we rarely fight, we are financially secure, and are compatible on just about every level. We communicate well, but we've always communicated well, and we have been through a lot together. The toughest time was when her little brother was in the hospital fighting a losing battle with cancer. My wife was emotionally distant for a while after that (she had just lost her little brother, I didn't blame her), but we got through it.

    Our biggest obstacles usually revolve around others who give us shit, for whatever reasons. For example, my mother-in-law is always a source of contention because she is just an epic pain in the ass. She is incredibly self-centered, neurotic, and nothing is ever good enough. She has been pressuring us to have kids for the past two years, and as time goes by she is getting more and more obvious about it. She got upset when we didn't invite them over to watch the Superbowl with all of my family, and turned it into "I'll never see my grandkids!" She doesn't even HAVE grandkids, yet! She has come just short of actually using the title of this thread in a sentence, and if we wait another year or two, she'll say those exact words in that exact order.

    Another obstacle is the condescending bullshit we face because my wife makes more money than me. She is a doctor, and I have a bachelors degree in psychology and soon, I'll have a teaching license, and I'll be a teacher. Even if I worked my way up, I wouldn't get to what her salary is, and she'll always be the primary bread-winner. She and I knew this going in, and we're fine with it. Others constantly give us shit. My brothers give me shit for being a 'lazy college student' (because taking 6 classes and working part time is lazy), and when we talk to others, and they know she makes more money, we get a lot of condescending bullshit comments (i.e. well, what if you have kids? She HAS to stay home with the kids! Aren't you two so 'progressive...'). I also get the "she's too good for you" line from people, who usually say it in a half-joking/half-serious way.

    We also catch shit from people we have just met about being high school sweethearts. We get the condescending "oh, so you've been with each other all this time? How cute..." or "no wonder she likes you, she doesn't know any better!" or my favorite, "marriage is for idiots and you two are stupid for getting married young! I don't care how educated you are, you're both stupid idiotic stupids!" The latter usually comes from bitter divorced or single people who can't comprehend that our marriage is happy, or anti-marriage people who can't comprehend that ANY marriage is happy.

    I've always maintained that marriage isn't for everyone. If people want to be single and play the bar scene and have hook-ups, awesome. Have fun, they usually have the best stories and they're fun to hang out with. I don't judge you, condescend to you, or look down on you (or look up to you, for that matter), so don't judge or condescend to me because I am married and happy. Everyone wants and needs different things. I didn't get married because society said so. If I did what society dictated, we'd have broken up in college and never spoke again, or we wouldn't have gotten married because she makes more money than me. Fuck society, do what feels right. I did, and I don't regret it, and I'd do it again.

    So, TL:DR version:

    Married to my high school sweetheart, been together for 11 years, married 3, no kids (working on it, probably within next few years), would do it again in a heartbeat.
     
  10. Stealth

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    Speaking of grandchildren, this may have been posted elsewhere, but I read in the newspaper today about the case of Wellington Burt and his "Golden Egg" will.

    <a class="postlink" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wellington_R._Burt" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wellington_R._Burt</a>

    <a class="postlink" href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/may/12/michigan-tycoon-wellington-burt-fortune?INTCMP=SRCH" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/ma ... NTCMP=SRCH</a>
     
  11. Jimmy James

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    Yes. When I was a teenager and in my early 20's, I thought for sure I would never get married. I suppose I was like everybody else in that I was self-centered and more interested in immediate gratification. Now that I'm getting closer to 30, the desire to quit fucking around has increased. I almost feel like I need to be with someone.

    I want kids, definitely. I currently have none of my own. I want kids because I want something that I want to unconditionally love for the rest of my life. I want to raise a better person than I will ever be. I want to pass on the knowledge I've learned from my time here to someone that will not only listen, but hopefully learn from it.
     
  12. Winterbike

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    I'm 24, been married for almost two years, known the wife for two years (so yeah, we got married three months after meeting each other). I'd do it again in a heartbeat, I just knew I'd be married with her on our second date (first one was mostly sex). She wants the same things I want in life, she's smart, beautiful, great in bed, and just awesome overall, marriage was a no-brainer. We're both atheists, so religion had nothing to do with it. I'm just a romantic I guess.

    It's not always sunshine and kisses, everyday worries have a way of creeping in (money, time, job, ...), but overall, my life is constantly improving. Sometimes, it's just nice to think about growing old with her with kids running around on Christmas Eve.
     
  13. ghettoastronaut

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    I have never seen my parents so much as hold hands. They are, to me, two people who for some reason live together and apparently adopted three kids because there's no way those two ever had sex. It really wouldn't shock me if they got divorced once the youngest is out of university.

    Unsurprisingly I do not see much value in marriage.
     
  14. Durbanite

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    I'm 29, single and not looking and my view is largely similar to ghettoastronaut's. I plan on remaining single, and definitely not having kids at any stage. What I went through as a kid and teenager I would not wish on anyone else, and I have a bad feeling if I were to have kids, I'd only be passing on my faulty genes with my problems - not a good thing to do.

    Some people may not think this is grown up - so fuck them. I think it's a pretty mature decision. If you know you're a fuckup (I know I am), you have no business being married or having kids. It's just plain irresponsible if you do, since it's not only your own life you'll end up fucking up.
     
  15. toejam

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    Shocker.

    I've never really thought about marriage. It seems so distant and unimportant given where I am that it isn't something that comes to mind. Right now, I'm focused on finding some sort of success for myself before I try to bring another person into the fold. I can't imagine tying myself to another person and their goals and ambitions when mine are constantly changing. I like the idea that I can say fuck it and quit my job and follow whatever stupid fancy comes to mind without being beholden to someone else. Of course, I also realize that if I found the right person, marriage wouldn't necessarily prevent me from achieving what I wanted.

    And there's always the practical societal aspect:

     
    #35 toejam, May 14, 2011
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2015
  16. Rhysma

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    Children: I have a son that will be 11 this year. I just turned 30, so you can't do the math. When I came up pregnant we had only been dating a few months and I didn't think that was a good reason to get married. I didn't even want the kid but he convinced me to keep it. I don't like children and I had no plans on having kids at all. My son was born with Brain Edema that kept him in the hospital for almost a year. The fucker bailed on me about 9 months in. Now he pays support but we rarely see him.

    Marriage: I got married to my boyfriend of 4 years when I was 25. It ended a year later. We were using marriage as a way to fix our relationship and obviously that doesn't work. Currently I have been living with my boyfriend for 4 years and he proposed last year. We haven't set a date which is more irritating to our friends and coworkers than it is to us. We are in the process of buying a house which enough commitment for him at the moment considering he is 24.
     
  17. tweetybird

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    I am turning 29 on Tuesday, have been married for almost a year, and was with said husband for nearly 5 years before that.

    It always confuses me when people talk about the institution of marriage as separate from a person they want to marry. Why people focus on getting married rather than on finding someone they are truly compatible with is entirely beyond me. If the relationship sucks, ain't no legal institution in the world that's gonna fix it. And by the same token, why people who haven't met someone they truly click with shit all over marriage seems pointless. Of course you can't imagine getting married - you can't imagine marrying anyone you've met so far!

    I have a shallow reason to get married that no one yet has mentioned: people take you more seriously. Since I had fucking Mrs. instead of Ms. in front of my name, I have been treated with far more respect in public settings, and my relationship has as well. This is pretty damn obnoxious, because obviously my level of commitment to my husband did not magically increase the day after he proposed or the day after we married. However, it is the way of the world, and if you are about making life easier then you may want to consider marriage if you're going to spend the rest of your life with the person anyway.

    On a more serious note, to me, marriage increases the gravity of the commitment. The oh-shit moment for me was not the proposal, or planning the wedding, or being blessed by the pastor, or signing the state license. It was knowing that I was standing up in front of all my friends and family, everyone I care about and respect in the world, and making some pretty bold promises. And if I fail to keep said promises, everyone I care about and respect will know that I welched. If you are not ready for this, you're not ready to get married.

    I once heard someone say that telling someone you will marry them is telling them you will be a witness to their life. Most of us will never do amazing things that will land us in the history books or the museums of the world. We may live wonderful, full lives, but we won't have that kind of immortality. If you have a lifelong partner, however, your life takes on great meaning because in some way that person depends on you. The very function of having a witness makes you important. I find this rather sad and poignant, yet hopeful at the same time. We are each other's witnesses, through the shitty and the awesome.

    On kids: fuck. Can I just skip the first 5-6 years and pick up when they're salient and conversant? I don't want babies, they fucking scare me. I don't want pregnancy, seriously, what kind of bad fucking idea is that? But I think back to all the fun memories I have with my family of traveling and swimming in our backyard pool and making up dance performances in the living room and learning how to bake birthday cake and I know I want to replicate that. Plus, my husband will be an awesome father, and he deserves to have that experience. Thus, we will probably end up procreating. Our target age is me at 32, which gives me 3 more years to freak out. Goody.
     
  18. Danger Boy

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    I see what you mean, but I've found that most of the people who shit all over marriage have previously been married.

    My girlfriend was married for 7 years and has no desire to do it again. I never really saw a point to marriage in the first place, so it works out pretty well for both of us. We live together, get along great and solve our problems like adults, but we both realize that people change over time. Things are great between us now, but if things change and our relationship goes down the shitter, we don't want it to be a bigger mess than it needs to be.

    It's also fun to fuck with stupid nosy assholes who are always on our case about when we're getting hitched.

    They're gonna be waiting a while.
     
  19. hooker

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    I think the best way to do it is to get married too young (23) after a two year long-distance relationship and then post your tits all over the internet and make sure your husband doesn't know about it. It's also a good idea to get married in the Church and then not attend mass until Christmas and/or Easter (and only when you're sober enough to do so).

    That's how the cool kids handle marriage, for sure.
     
  20. Mantis Toboggan M.D.

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    I turned 27 a couple months ago and haven't been in a serious relationship in 7.5 years. Partly because the end of that relationship got me fucked in the head and partly because I woke up and realized your early-mid 20s are for getting wasted as often as possible and fucking as many randoms as possible.

    I definitely want to do the marriage and (ideally 3-5) kids at some point...but still not sure when. Maybe 5 years from now, 32 sounds about right. I actually remarked to my buddy a few months ago that "I'm at the point in my life where I'm ready for a serious, long-term relationship....just not until after I go to Thailand this summer and do one more trip to Vegas". I do want a wife and family and true love and all that shit, but first I want enough stories to last a lifetime. As for the kids, 3-5 is a lot but at risk of sounding like an arrogant douchebag, I am pretty intelligent and I'd like to do my part to keep the world from turning Idiocracy into a documentary.

    And if the wife is bisexual and finds 19-year-olds to share with me well into our old age, all the better.