Success & Happiness isn't good enough!! GIVE ME A GRANDCHILD

Focus:Personally, I think the concept of marriage is ridiculous. When you look at it from an objective point of view, the only difference between being married and being in a committed relationship is that if you decide to break up you go from having to work the situation out like adults to needing lawyers to settle everything for you.

That said I'll probably end up getting married, I've been with the GF for five years now and honestly couldn't imagine life without her. I hate to say it but the main reason I'll be doing it is so people will shut the fuck up about when we're going to get married. The worst of it is I can see some of the married women we hang out with taking pity on her because I haven't proposed yet, despite the fact that we're probably the healthiest couple at any party, sorry that you needed a rock on your finger to fill the void in your relationship, but we're very happy with the way things are thank you very much. The possibly lower overall taxes and teacher's medical benefits are a nice plus though.

 

From a young age, I was adamant that I was never going to get married (girls are yucky) and that I didn't want kids. I think at least part of that stemmed from my basic childhood understanding of what assholes my parents could be.

Now (at 35) I'm unmarried and a single father. I'm unconcerned whether I get married or not, but it might be "nice" one day. A large part of that depends on what my girl wants if/when we got to that point.

I wasn't given a choice in fatherhood (past the usual one of "do I throw her off and get some protection?"). Although, in my (very weak) defence, it was obvious in hindsight she was out for a kid. I'm just unlucky that after several times of throwing her off when she jumped on, she caught me at a weak moment. I love my son, but I wasn't ready to be a parent and I still have concerns for him given my medical situation.

Whether or not I'd have any more kids is undecided, and I don't devote any thought to it. Although, if it's going to happen it would have to be in the next five years. I'm crapped out enough now. Past 40 I don't want to be wiping shitty asses.

 

I've been with my girlfriend for a little over three years, we've bought a condo together, we're happy--I say why fix what isn't broken.

My girlfriend wants me to propose and I'm very aware of this. I've asked her why, and after wading through whatever she babbles about, I've come to the conclusion that she wants to get married because of perception--it's what people do and so she should probably be doing it. There's also some degree of, "My life plan is X, and my clock is ticking, and I need to be married because it's part of the sequence of first a, then b." She's been conditioned to feel this way, so I understand it, I just don't believe that the classical "life structure" of first comes marriage, then comes a home, then comes kids is the be all end all solution.

As far as I'm concerned, we're living in the ring on her finger (something I've made clear to her). If I wasn't serious about being with her, I wouldn't have bought a place with her, tying my name and her's to a couple hundred thousand dollars. What will x amount of money on a ring change that the mortgage hasn't already cemented?

But at the end of the day, I love her dearly and understand that love and life are both full of compromises. For me, marriage itself won't be a compromise, just the ceremony and the expense associated with it. While I may not be tied into the same sequential idea she is, she feels it's important and I need to respect that. Our relationship won't change, so whatever.

She'll just need to compromise when I want to toss it in the butt.

 

I am glad I got married.

Sure nothing changed as we had been living together since early 2007, but we got a huge party, and gifts and all that.

But the whole notion of it being an adult thing, and the maturity behind it once I proposed made me get my life in order.

Before that I was a part time worker in a shitty job. I was lucky to have 500 bucks to my name on payday, and I was perpetually broke, stuck in a city with shitty job prospects. I was lucky to be able to mooch off of Jägerette. But once I proposed I changed my life drastically.

I got a full time job, making good money, and started to get my finances in order. If I hadn't taken that step of proposing I would likely still be in a shitty job making shitty money, and be perpetually broke.

500 bucks used to be an insane amount of money to me. Just the other day I opened an account with that much at a bank just so I could use their coin counters for free, and I have managed to put away over 20k this year. I wouldn't have been able to do that without the maturity that I gained from making a big change in my life.

Hell, I have a 401(k) if that isn't an indicator that I have gotten shit together, I don't know what is.

 

Word to the wise, if your GF doesn't want it in the butt, a ring on her finger is pretty much the only thing that will get her to compromise on that, if you don't do it between the proposal and the wedding, you never* will.

*Unless you get a mistress of course.

 

I'd better be ready to get married, I proposed 3 months ago.

After being together 5.5 years it makes sense, especially financially. Lower insurance costs, tax benefits the whole 9.

To be honest, I don't see how being married is going to change my life at all. Perhaps it will FEEL different, but we already live together. One of us will save money on insurance, and I'll have to be responsible for her bizarre spending habits (let's not go out this week due to me not having money. but i bought these cute shoes!) but other than that... we already live together.

I think the scary thing about getting married is how closely it's associated to having children. It will be at least 8-9 years before we spit one out, at least that's the current plan. Her mom may not like it, but my mom already has 2 grandchildren and will likely have more before we decide to join my siblings in parenthood. I hang out with my nephew (4) and I'm exhausted after a few hours, I just don't get how people do that full time. Shit.

And as for the ring getting her to let you put it in her butt... My fiancee picked her ring out a while ago, and thought it was sold (it was, to me) and was shocked when I actually gave it to her. She could not be happier and I STILL didn't get to even approach the brown eye. Got me a rare BJ though.

 

Also, let me give this advice to men getting married:

There will be a pair of scissors in your house, a particular pair of the many.

These will be her "good scissors".

Never touch them.

Also, mentioned above are weird spending habits. Women have these. Me, if I spend money, it is to make money. Or buy booze.

The wife on the other hand buys shit to feel good or something. Our bank accounts are all tied together, but we have separate credit cards.

I don't question what she buys unless her credit card bill is over 1k for the month. Then I just slyly make her feel really bad for spending so much, and she feels guilty and doesn't buy anything for a couple of months, and the money we save goes into savings.

 

I don't have a problem with getting married. It's never been a goal of mine, but if I meet the right lady that is fine and dandy.

However I have made it a goal in life not to have any kids (I know, most of you are happy about that, as they will not become a burden on society when the state takes them away from me). I enjoy being spontaneous. I fucking hate the fact that I work a 9-5 job and that forces me to keep a schedule. A child just fucks everything up. You know what I do if I want to go to Vegas now? I book a flight and a hotel and I leave. That just doesn't happen with kids. There is no more getting drunk on a Saturday morning because you have nothing else to do. Plus I don't plan on working after I'm 45. I save a shit ton of money and actually plan on accomplishing that. With a child that is just not a possibility. There is also the fact that I hate children.

If I were to have one, I would do it like those folks on the blind side. Adopt a teenager that is awesome at sports, and cash in huge when they go pro. At least they will already be potty trained by that time. Eww. Potty training. another reason kids suck.

 

Isn't that putting the cart before the horse? I can't rationalize getting married to fix an unproductive lifestyle. It reminds me of every time I've ever heard of a couple having a baby to "fix" their marriage. One large responsibility won't automatically cure any lesser ones that haven't been tended to.

I can't help but feel like your story also puts you in a tiny sliver of the minority. Most people I know who didn't have their shit together prior to getting married, whether it was stupid friends or stupid family, were just as irresponsible and immature afterwards. The incentive to live better is certainly there, but not everyone will heed it. As Ron White often says, "You can't fix stupid."

Not that I'm not happy it's worked out for you, of course.

Focus: I probably will, at some point. Not anytime soon, of course. I've decided not a day before 30, preferably after 35, if I had to put a tangible number on it. I'm fiercely independent, and for the same reason Frebis doesn't want kids, I wouldn't want to coincide my life priorities and schedule with someone else's, thus giving up many of the freedoms I'm used to. Not until I'm ready. Which isn't to say that I would shy away from serious, stable relationships, of course. Marriage definitely changes things, though. I've seen it happen enough times to people I know that claims to the contrary are pretty laughable. Don't kid yourself: being twitterpated is just the tip of the iceberg.

Like our resident Public Park Wizard said, though, the legal aspect of marriage doesn't make any sense. Why does the state need to be aware of how serious I may or may not be about my significant other? Marriage, as a legal institution, is the biggest Ponzi scheme in the history of mankind.

As for most women's tendencies to want a shiny ring, be proposed to, have an elegant wedding...I imagine it has something to do with security and status, two things that women are wont to have, naturally (I don't know much about the subject, but there's plenty of literature out there to back me up on this one). I think we can all agree that women are much more competitive than men are, and the proverbial dick-and-ruler show doesn't get any more intense than comparing rings and husbands.

Kids? Meh. Good for household labor, but not much beyond that. Seriously though, I'd love to be a father, but not anytime fucking soon. I'm still too much of a kid at heart to wonder about having my own.

 

I knew I was going to marry the broad for a long time. I figured the time was right, and I knew that I needed to get my life in order. We had a pretty long engagement, so I had a lot of time to fix things that were wrong in my life.

Additionally, her father's kidneys failed a while back, and we knew we were going to get married, but we wanted to make sure he was there for it. Oddly enough, now that she is married off, his health has gotten way better.

 

You sure about that one? For the most part a married couple with equitable incomes will pay more total taxes than if they each had been single, which is what a lot of people call the marriage penalty. Now obviously if one of you is making 6 figures and the other is a part time social worker, you'll be paying less overall, but not if you're earnings are similar.

 

I got married at 25 (23 years ago this October) and would do it again. I can't imagine going through life without the person I consider to be my soulmate. You can argue the merits of marriage as an institution all you want ("it's just a piece of paper" etc.) but I think there's something to be said for its tradition (and if your wife-to-be has a lot of rich relatives, it really pads your bank account--just kidding. Sort of.) I'm always leery of using the word "never." Chater could meet a gal at Starbucks tomorrow that sweeps him off his feet and all of those value judgments above go right out the window.

As for kids, we have two daughters, 17 and 13. We waited 5 years after we were married to start a family, but to be honest, I never really thought about if I really wanted to have kids or not. When the time came, I just sort of went along with the plan because well, that's what married people do (and what's expected). But what I found was, I was really far too selfish and emotionally immature a person to be a parent, and as a result, I deferred (ran away from) a lot of the parenting responsibilities onto my wife. When the kids came along is when my drinking began to get out of hand, and all that did was make me even less of a father. I can't and don't blame the kids for my drinking--I'm certain I would have ended up in the same place if we didn't have kids, it just might have taken a little longer.

Parenting is a lot of sacrifice and work, and it's harder for some than others. But, as frustrating as they can be (and trust me, the teens years are frustrating alone, add an ASD and it adds a whole other dimension of insanity into the mix), they've taught me a lot about myself and as a result, have helped me to grow. Took me a longer than most, but better late than never.

 

I've never listed "marriage" as a goal in life, but I'd like to get married if the relationship and time is right. I've spent most of my life single with a couple of boyfriends, neither of which I seriously considered marrying. I know it's an increasingly outdated and old-fashioned institution to a lot of people our age, but to me, it's really sweet to see people say the vows to each other and commit in front of family and friends. I also know a few couples who have decided to never get married, and it's the best decision for them. I don't see myself as being the non-marrying kind, but I'm open to it if it made sense within the relationship. I'm female and in the "expected" age range.

I would like kids, but not for a while. That's another thing that if it doesn't happen I'll be totally cool. If I have them or not, I think that maybe I'd like to adopt one later.

 

I'll be married 30 years this September - I turn 49 in July. Do the math - I was way too fucking young to get married, but we made it work. We both worked our tails off before kids and once the kids came around I was able to keep my wife home - it has made all the difference in the world. I own a successful manufacturing company and I have been able to put my kids through private middle school / high school and 2 through college and grad school. My kids are 27,25,20,18,10,5 - the oldest four are biological, the youngest two are adopted from Korea. I wouldn't trade my kids for anything, it is difficult being a parent but they have been a source of joy and accomplishment for both me and my wife. Is it work to have kids - with out a doubt, are the rewards worth it, absolutely! That's why we have so many. My oldest is engaged to be married, but I don't see her and her husband to be having kids anytime soon - which is good since I still have a 5 year old at home and I'm not ready to be a grandfather! They both have career aspirations and I'm not sure if they will ever have kids. Both my wife and I have a strong enough relationship with the kids to encourage them not to make the mistake we made of getting married so young - in today's day and age the chance of it surviving isn't very good.

That being said - if, God forbid, something happened to my wife I would never get married again. Having a successful marriage is a lot of work and sacrifice. I'm not sure I could do it ever again.

 

I am 33, never married, no kids. When some of the older crowd hear this, they look at me like I've got a dick growing out of my forehead. I have been in a relationship for almost a year. I want to get married. Maybe not to the current gf, but I want the wife, 2.5 kids, dog etc. (I'll be damned if I EVER, EVER get a mini-van though). I like the idea of having someone to come home to. It just appeals to me. Call me weird.

 

I'm 32, unmarried and no kids. I've never even been in real relationship either, and since I've been effectively avoiding women for the past seven years or so, marriage seems pretty far off.

I'd be lying it I said I didn't think about it all the time, however. It's really hit me hard lately because 32 was the same age my mother was when she had me, (I was also really feeling it at 28 because that's how old my dad was when I was born). Marriage (and relationships in general, to be honest) scare me because I've always been a person who's kept enough emotional distance in all my interpersonal relationships that I can walk away at a moment's notice without really feeling any loss. Obviously that's not feasible in a real relationship so I remain single.

 

It's a tradition in my family to get pregnant and then rushingly get married before the baby is born. This is a tradition I would really like to break.

There is some part of me that likes the idea of marriage. I agree that in this day and age, it's no longer necessary, but it doesn't stop me from wanting it. It's not even just about the wedding (although I'm one of those women who has been planning her wedding since she was a little girl.) It's more than that. Also (and I will accept any argument/reasons this is a bad thing) I feel like people who get married are more willing to make a relationship work. I don't have a good, solid reason for wanting to get married, but there is something about knowing you are going to spend the rest of your life with one person that is comforting to me. Then again, I'm only 24 years old. Maybe as I get older I'll realize that I don't need that comfort.

As for kids, I would like to have one or two. I'm from a huge family (my mother has 7 siblings, my father has 9, and I'm the oldest of 4) so I've gotten used to having a lot of people around. I have no good reason for wanting kids other than I think I would be good at it and (if this is even genetic) there are a lot of really intelligent people in my gene pool. But again, I am 24 years old, so my ideas on marriage and children may change as I experience the world.

 

I'm almost 29 years old, and I've been married nearly 3 years now. I am very much in love with my wife, but marriage is difficult. I had never planned on getting married. I was very happy as a single man, and I'll even admit that there are times when I wish I was still single. I had a good thing going, and I wonder what would have been had I not met my wife.

That said, I'm happy being married. I enjoy spending time with my wife, and I look forward to spending the rest of my life with her. Are there times when I've been ready to leave, yup. But being married has given us the strength and motivation to work through those times. If we were just dating, there's little doubt in my mind we'd be broken up by now. Without the marriage, I don't think I'd be willing to put up with the struggles and difficulties. There have been some really good times, but we got married at a very transitional time, and that puts a lot of stress on a relationship. We were married the summer between our second and third years in law school, so we had one year of school left, then we moved cross-country. Neither of us had jobs, we had to take the bar exam, and then I did a one year LL.M. in Tax Law. That was the most difficult and trying time of my life, and it was tough on our marriage. Now that I am finally working and done with school, the relationship is improving and we are enjoying married life again. If we hadn't been married, there's just no way that we could have made it through.

As far as kids go, they aren't in my wife and I's plans. We like being able to go snowboarding every weekend, going out to nice dinners, or whatever else strikes our fancy. We're practical enough to realize things could change, but at this point, I can't see kids in our future. Anymore, I can barely stand being in the same room as a child, so that doesn't bode well for me being a good father.

Who knows, in 5 years I could look back at this post and feel like I'm an idiot for ever thinking getting married was right for me. Or I could be a father of one or two kids. Or I could be astounded by my prescience. The great thing about this time in a person's life is the possibilities that are out there seem infinite, and I'm happy that I'm finally starting to embrace the fact that my life may not always go according to how I might anticipate.

 

I'm 39, never been married. In most parts of the country this is considered an anomaly, but here in NYC it's fairly common. Growing up in a divorced household, with literally every member of my adult extended family also divorced, THEN going into a field that is dripping with misery made me very gun shy about marriage. I'm also inherently immature in many important ways, so I'm quite sure I would have fucked up any marriage prior to, at a minimum, 35.

Strangely, after I wrote http://shrinktalk.net/?p=151 this (Why Marriages Fail), I felt a lot more chill about marriage. I think getting all of the problems down on paper, the ones that countless clients shared with me, allowed me to approach the institution with an "okay, I know what's in front of me if I do this" mentality. Even though it's not exhaustive, I felt like the list gave me a solid grasp on what it would take to be successful at marriage.