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Stupid Universal Truths

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by crazy asian, Jun 4, 2012.

  1. crazy asian

    crazy asian
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    There are some phenomena that are surprisingly reoccuring. Here are a few I've noticed.

    - There will always be a crying baby on the train/plane/bus. Always.
    - If you rent a car, the last person to drive it apparently was 4'9, and needed to have their chest up against the wheel.
    -The great hairtie mystery
    - Similar to hairtie mystery, I have a pile of socks that will never belong to a pair. I can't be alone in this.

    Any others?
     
  2. Blue Dog

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    If you grab a handful of ice from the freezer for your drink, you WILL drop at least one cube on the floor and then kick it under the fridge.
     
  3. effinshenanigans

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    - A Comcast supervisor is not going to call you back. You weren't put on a list, that rep you talked to just made the jacking off motion with their hand and hung up the phone.

    - Toothpaste will rarely stick to the brush, but will always stick to the sink like cement.

    - Your boss won't need anything from you until 1 minute before you leave.
     
  4. Angel_1756

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    You will hear "I have to poop" fifteen minutes after leaving "the last rest stop for 75 miles".

    Oh, and the people who would make excellent, wonderful, caring and devoted parents will have trouble conceiving. But the jackasses who couldn't take care of a toaster will pop out billions of babies just by looking at each other sideways.
     
  5. Juice

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    -Want to pump an exact dollar amount-worth of gas? Fogettaboutit, you're pumping 1 cent over.

    -Ketchup is delicious with everything, except itself.

    -You have to check the alarm on your cell phone at least 3 times before you're satisfied it's correct.
     
  6. lust4life

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    The likelihood of an available public toilet is inversely proportional to how bad I need to use one.

    When selecting a checkout line at the grocery store, I am certain to pick the slowest moving. This applies to tollbooths as well.

    Also with regards to tollbooths/parking lot booths, no matter what time of day, busy or slow, when I pull up to the booth, the attendant will always be doing SOMETHING ELSE that he/she has to finish before taking my money.
     
  7. rei

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    If a gas station has 6+ gas pumps and <3 diesel pumps, and there are only two cars at the station, both will obstruct the diesel pumps while getting gas.
     
  8. Kubla Kahn

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    How about, waking up just short enough before your alarm goes off that getting back to sleep is useless?
     
  9. rei

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    Or the infinitely worse
    If there are two stalls, and one is obviously and visibly clogged, and you take the other one to take a slow monster shit, some asshole will come in and attempt to flush the other one.

    Shit vs shitty water slowly flowing towards you is the worst race ever.
     
  10. Frank

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    - If you share pizza with people, when there is one slice left in the box, you will all simultaneously finish the slice in your hands.

    - If you get an equal amount of buns and burgers for a BBQ some gluten free asshole will insist on not eating the bun (they looked at me like I just kicked a puppy).

    - Post lunch:

    1:00 - 4:50 = silence
    4:50 = The office emergency version of the Apocalypse

    - When the propane tank on your grill runs out it will be when you're throwing a party.
     
  11. effinshenanigans

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    Re: Burgers and buns

    - When you're eating a really great burger, you end up with a sqaure centimeter of bun left to cover the 1/4 pound of beef and toppings that remain.
     
  12. Crown Royal

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    The second you get near the front of the line, a new register opens all all of the open sore fuckfaces BEHIND YOU steal it.

    There is never a cop when you need one. At all. Ever. There is, however, always a cop available when you don't know your headlight is burnt out while you're on your way home from work.

    The day you leave back for home on your vacation is the nicest weather you will see all week.

    If you arrive early to get a great seat in the theatre, after it fills up a 6'10" mastadon that smells like curdled fast food will sit directly in front of you right before the trailers begin.

    The second you catch yourself doing something embarrassing in your car is the exact same second a car full of hot chicks is stopped right next to you in the same intersection.

    If your late friend calls to say I'm "Just around the corner" he has not even sat in his fucking car yet.
     
  13. Chirpy

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    If there are bars tools or clean tables open at a restaurant, the walk in patrons will always sit at the ONE table/bar spot that is dirty.
     
  14. FreeCorps

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    When buttered toast falls it will fall butter side down.
     
  15. Omegaham

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    Work your ass off? No one will see it.

    Goof off for that five minute break right before lunch? THAT is when the boss steps in.
     
  16. rachiii

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    Corollary to this: Open a NSFW item on your computer/read an article about something inappropriate/have a gchat convo about sex? This is the moment your boss pops up behind you, like a ninja.

    The phone will not ring all day, but once one line rings, all four will ring.
     
  17. D26

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    If you have somewhere to be, or you're running late, you will be stuck behind the slowest driver ever.
     
  18. crazy asian

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    [​IMG]

    The one day you go all out in weather prep (bulky rainboots + raincoat), it will end up being fucking gorgeous and you will look like an idiot.
    When it pours, you will be caught in a downpour wearing a white dress or your favorite sneakers and also look like an idiot.

    Your back will only ever itch in a place that is impossible to reach.
     
  19. Pink Candy

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    Or you'll hit every single red light.
     
  20. Frank

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    Aren't you a martial arts instructor? What part of your back can't you reach? I was able to hit every part as a sedentary fatty.