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Steven Seagal is a cop! No, really!

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Dcc001, Nov 29, 2009.

  1. Dcc001

    Dcc001
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    I was just flipping through the channels and caught the tail end of a commercial on A&E. I don't know the specifics, and frankly it would be an insult to my intelligence to google it, but apparently Steven Seagal is an actual police officer now. Not only that, but they've had a documentary crew following him around on his 'real life cop exploits.' This is wrong on many different levels:

    - Has reality TV actually managed to sink lower than Dr. Drew?

    - This is bad for the criminals. Imagine it: a drugged up thief is running from the cops, gets caught, turns around and finds that the pursuing officer is...the guy from the movie about the terrorists on the ship? With the martial arts and stuff? That criminal might have a valid defense against an assault charge in court: "I swear, Your Honour, I was so high I thought I was in a movie."

    Focus: What's the worst idea you've ever had? What ever came of it?
     
  2. Racer-X

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  3. Dcc001

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    Since it was my suggestion...

    I didn't take anti-malarials when I was volunteering in Africa. The cheap kind made me sick, and the expensive kind were really expensive. I figured that I could wear mosquito repellant, sleep under a net and avoid being outside at dusk (when they typically bite).

    Flash forward to being in a hospital overseas, with my mom, dad, aunt, uncle and two cousins by my bedside as the doctors try everything to find a drug that I can tolerate without shutting down my liver.

    Dad: Why weren't you on antimalarials?
    Me: The only ones I could stomach were really expensive.
    Dad: (Looking around the very expensive intensive care unit) Well, that was money well saved.
     
  4. Primer

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    Anti-Focus: I love this show. It's fucking hilarious to watch; my roommates and I started a Steven Seagal drinking game. We take a shot when Mr. Seagal wipes sweat from his brow or a shot is shown of him sweating profusely. Also, whenever someone proclaims "Holy shit! It's Steven Seagal! I'm getting arrested by Steven fucking Seagal!", we take a shot.

    We also take a shot whenever Steve goes on about his Zen master abilities and calming his soul through Ju-jitsu-fu-kung-pow.
     
  5. Luke 217

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    You'd really think that he'd be the full six degree's of Kevin Bacon,,, but noooooooooo. Two degrees. Under Siege had Seagal and Tommy Lee Jones, Tommy Lee Jones was in JFK with the Baconator.

    Personally I think Seagal is good. Sure, he's never gonna win a fucking Oscar, but who gives a fuck? If you were to tell me that I'd get to watch a guy (albeit a guy with a pony tail) stick pool cues into guys throats, jam steak knives into the helmet of U.S. Marshall Sam Gerrard, knock bad guy teeth out with a fucking billiard ball wrapped in a bar towel,,, and fuck up roughnecks who pick on Inuits,,,, I'd shove my remaining chips to the center of the fucking table..... Because I'm in bitches.

    Sure he's no Lt. John McClain(annoying scream in every.fucking.movie.), or Martin Riggs(nice mullet you anti-semite), or even Axel Foley(tranny lover)...... But at least we can all agree that he's better than Van Damage?
    (Plus doesn't he nail the hot chick from Weird Science in one of the flicks? That's what I call "dining on poultry" in my rulebook.)
     
  6. dewercs

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    The lack of respect shown on this board for Mr. Seagal is a tragedy.

    You will not find a better film from the 90's then Marked for Death.
     
  7. Nettdata

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    Dude. He was a GOD in the late 80's and early 90's. You weren't even born then.

    That's not the only thing you wouldn't understand:

    Big Trouble in Little China? Would blow your mind.
    Don Johnson and Miami Vice? Best. Soundtrack. Ever.

    I could go on and on. And on. And on some more.

    But I won't.

    I mean, how could this NOT be the best fucking thing ever!?



    You don't need to act when you can kick ass.

    He was our generation's Chuck Norris. (Who's a fag).
     
    #7 Nettdata, Dec 14, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2015
  8. Danger Boy

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    Exactly.
     
    #8 Danger Boy, Dec 14, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2015
  9. Crown Royal

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    I made the monstrously idiotic mistake of of taking a girl to see Varsity Blues in the theatre in a desperate attempt to get laid. I think I blew that attempt when about one third of the way through this turgid film I yelled at the screen:

    "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHEN IS THIS SHIT OVER!?!?!?"

    The worst fucking movie I have ever, EVER seen in the theatre, and the only one besides Sex Drive that I have walked out on.
     
  10. MooseKnuckle

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    Re: Steven Seagal is a cop! No, really!

    My roommate has a cousin named Casey. We use some variation of the dialogue from under seige 2 (I think) whenever we talk about him.

    roomie: Casey Fuckin Ryback should be coming over tonight.
    me: Who's Casey Fuckin Ryback?
    roomie: You dont know Casey Fuckin Ryback?! Casey Fuckin Ryback once drank 8 cases of beer before he killed 28 terrorists, then drank 5 more cases and fucked 3 dozen women. Dont look Casey Fuckin Ryback in the eye or he'll kill you with a toothpick from the basement shitter while he wipes his ass.

    FOCUS: I once had an awesome idea to make money with my college roommates. I figured if the 3 of us withdrew all our money from savings, about $10,000, and bought 10,000 lottery tickets, then we would most likely make millions. By buying up that many tickets we would have the best odds out of anyone in the country by far. It was foolproof. They didnt follow through and we're all fairly poor to this day. Sometimes I lay awake in bed and think about what might have been.
     
  11. goodgtrplyr

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    What? 12 posts on the topic of Steven Segal and no mention of this? I'm ashamed of all of you.

     
    #11 goodgtrplyr, Dec 15, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2015
  12. KIMaster

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    This man speaks God's Holy Truth. "Marked for Death", staring Steven Seagal as a vigilante cop that brutally kills half the male population of Jamaica, was one of the 90's very best films. And sure, Seagal can't act to save his life. Neither can Jet Li or Donnie Yen, but they're still awesome.

    Anyways, I've watched this show. Once you get past Seagal's overwhelming, douchetastic sense of self-importance, and the fact that you're watching a formerly world famous action star acting in an A&E reality show, you realize it's basically like a more boring version of Cops. Which is still not horrible.
     
  13. ghettoastronaut

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    Steven Seagal made The Onion movie approximately two standard deviations more awesome than the mean.
     
    #13 ghettoastronaut, Dec 15, 2009
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  14. Stealth

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    Steven Seagal could also punch or maim you into spiritual nirvana ....

    http://www.sangyetashiling.dk/kt/seagal.htm
     
  15. TheCapn

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    I was surprised that Steven Seagal isn't a half bad shot.
     
    #15 TheCapn, Dec 15, 2009
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  16. SaintBastard

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    I tried to teach this girl how to drive.

    Some people are bad drivers. They constantly violate traffic laws, barely look around before they turn or merge, and generally just don't pay enough attention to the road. She was all this and more. She is a force of nature. Her motto is "if you don't like the way I drive, then get off the sidewalk."

    "What does this stick thingy do again?"

    "You mean the stick shift?"

    "Yeah, the stick thingy."

    She keeps quizzing me on the way to the diner about the under workings of the two-ton 75MPH missile I was about to put her behind. Her father had just bought her a brand new BMW X5, though he could have just napalmed a pile of cash in his back yard. It would have been put to better use, though probably not as entertaining.

    I pull off the interstate on an out of the way exit and follow the barely paved road down to the diner. I figured if I was going to unleash Pandora's box by teaching her how to drive, the least I could do was minimize civilian casualties. After I pull in the diner, we quickly go over the basics again and switch seats. Marie gets behind the wheel.

    Here we go.

    Release clutch. Check.

    Start Ignition. Check.

    Move stick thingy from Park to Drive. Check.

    Look both ways and carefully pull out of parking place. Check. Maybe this won't be so bad after all.

    Almost floor the gas pedal while looking for something dropped in her purse. Che- Wait, what the fuck?!?

    The car accelerates towards the diner until the wheels meet a barrier meant for designating parking places. The wheels then spin until they catch the curb and jump the car onto the sidewalk, crashing it into a parked motorcycle.

    I stare on in disbelief. Our first driving lesson and we couldn't even make it out the parking lot.

    "Wait in the car."

    I get out and investigate the damage. Aside from a few scratches, her car looks fine. A bullet dodged. Then I look at the parked motorcycle that is now laying on the ground. Surprisingly, it doesn't look that bad. There is only a smudge where the two vehicles hit. I may even be able to wipe it out.

    "Hey, grab me a rag out of your trunk."

    I start wiping out the smudge while she keeps look out.

    Not even sixty seconds into it, I hear, "WHAT ARE YEW DOIN'?"

    The interrogative southern drawl booms from an old man who is barreling towards us. He looks MAD. Fox caught in the chicken coop MAD. The thoughts "oh shit", "we are so screwed", and "this girl doesn't even have her driver's license" come to mind.

    I think of what exactly I am going to say. Finally, I look up and start explaining.

    "Look. I'm sorry sir. I kind of scraped your bike back there so I was just cleaning it out."

    I couldn't believe what was happening. Give this guy a banjo and he would have looked like he walked straight out of the movie Deliverance. All I could think about was that scene from Sling Blade when the retard finally goes crazy and goes after the abusive boyfriend with the kaiser blade. This guy was about to go ballistic on me. I prepare for the worst.

    Then, after what felt like a century of expectant, fearful waiting, the old man starts chuckling to himself and says, "Heh, don't worry about it, son. This old thing hasn't run in years."

    I had to do a double take. "Wait, what did you just say?"

    "This old bike hasn't been used in a decade, boy."

    I look at it again. When I looked at the bike for a second time, I guess it made sense. The thing was a fossil. If that bike was a horse, they would have put it down years ago. And the funniest thing about all of this was that there was a "Jesus Saves" emblem gratified on the back of it. Apparently, since the bike didn't work anymore, they were using it as an ad hoc Billboard for the diner.

    Yeah, so she did a real bang up job of driving. If anyone needs a chauffeur, let me know. I have a great reference.
     
  17. kl1985

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    This thread made me remember one of my favorite movies: Exit Wounds. Steven Seagal and DMX? Entertaining and pretty hilarious at times.
     
    #17 kl1985, Dec 15, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2015
  18. Lipton

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    I don't see the harm in Segal working his acting work into an actual career, with a documentary no less.

    Worst idea I've ever had?

    When I was manic, I thought I was Jesus...nothing much ever came over it.
     
  19. Danger Boy

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    Looks like she wasn't the only one who doesn't know shit about cars.

    I joined the military back in '99, you know, to pay for college. Sounded like a fair trade off. One weekend a month and two weeks during the summer so I can basically go to college for free? Not a bad deal! And there hasn't been a war since Desert Storm, so it's not like I'll ever have to go to war or anything, right?

    Right?

    I mean, who's gonna start a war with us now?

    Right?
     
  20. Crown Royal

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    Following KIMaster's lead, Marked For Death is Seagal's mostest awesomest film EVER. Let's play a little Jimmy Cliff and watch Hatcher bring the hurt to Screwface:

    EDIT: This video doesn't do it justice, because it deson't show the sledgehammer scene or the countless (and I mean COUNTLESS) limbs he breaks in this movie.
     
    #20 Crown Royal, Dec 16, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2015