eHarmony has developed a new app to get you out of bad dates. Basically, you press a button on the app and 3 minutes later, your phone will ring with a call from a pre-determined contact (Home, Mom, Work, whatever) to give you a valid escape from a bad date. The voice on the other end of the phone will even give you facial 'cues' to use in case the conversation with a completely different 'Mom' leaves you looking confused. Focus: Bad date stories - be they blind dates, bad set-ups, or going out with a friend where it all went to hell before the bill arrived, everyone has been on a date that made them want to escape out the bathroom window. I went on one bad date where the guy made seriously awful racial comments behind the back of our Chinese server for ten minutes before I told him I was Chinese on my mother's side. He stood up without a word, gave me a look of disgust and walked out the front door. Alt (and slightly more serious) Focus: Whatever happened to the concept of being straight with a person and telling them that you're just not compatible? Has technology allowed us to become a generation of passive aggressive assholes who screen our calls and break up with people over text?
People have always been passive aggressive assholes, but "stranger danger" and modern isolation has made us feel justified about it. "He was from the internet, he could have been a serial killer! I had to pretend that my mom was in the hospital and ask him for cab fare, plus money for a gift for my mom, for my own safety!"
You have to at least give the guy a little credit for not backtracking when he learned that you were Chinese, he stuck to his racist ignorant principles. I was the bad date once (well probably more than once but this one I know for sure). A friend of mine had wanted to set me up with a friend of hers. We had agreed to meet at some bar because the wrestling season had wrapped up and I was celebrating with some of my team. Also, I liked drugs back then. By the time we made it to the bar I was so thoroughly drunk as well as on several types of stimulants. My friend walks up with her boyfriend who is also a good friend of mine and with the said girl. The scene they walked up to must have been something akin to this. Spoiler I proceed to act like an ass and I'm sure she was very much put off already but the thing that repulsed her entirely was after returning from the bathroom and sniffing like i just snorted a large line of cocaine (because I had) she called me out on it sort of jokingly to which I replied something along the lines off "I've done enough to ensure that any dick you're getting tonight is limp" I get douche chills just remembering that story.
These seems like the type of thing self-absorbed douchbags would use, then post about snarkily on twitter or tumblr. Not surprised at all it's an iphone app.
Stranger Danger is legitimate. I actually knew Katherine Olson; her father is the pastor that baptized InfantMe, and I still see her brother at least once a year. Technology has provided us with the tools to avoid confrontation and minimize discomfort and the severity of social blowback; if they can be used to prevent violence or harm - fuck yes I'm in favor of it. If you're so much of a creep that people don't feel comfortable confronting your neckbearded face - that's your problem. Grow up and deal with it.
First of all, this isn't even remotely the same. Secondly, unless a date is horrendously bad - as in your date's making a scene in a public venue or something equivilent - walking out in the middle of it is exceptionally rude and speaks volumes about your lack of character. Finally, using an iphone app to deceive your way out of a date because you're too much of a coward to own up to your selfishness is in the realm of reality-TV behavior. Shit, if this kind of thing is considered acceptable nowdays maybe I should count my blessings that I don't date.
In all fairness - making the statement to a complete stranger "sorry. This isn't for me" IS incredibly difficult because you DON'T know what the reaction will be, immediately or post blow off.
Not to diminish what happened to your friend, but what does a man posing as a housewife and responding to an ad for nanny services have to do with confronting neckbeards on dating websites?
While the easy way out is always appealing, having the balls to express yourself is far more mature. How is the failure you are sitting across from ever going to understand what happened if you just run away? How is anyone going to learn from anything if there is no dialogue about it? We wonder why society is crumbling, it's because no one wants to face reality and/or be truly honest anymore.
Strangers met through websites have proven themselves to be understandably dangerous and unstable. In the event that you must deal with them, it is prudent to take every precaution - and technology has enabled much of this preventative behavior. Why is it my (or anybody elses) responsibility to help the socially inept losers figure out anything? Yeah - it's shitty if I slip the maitr'de a $20 to cover the drinks as I leave instead of just going to the bathroom, but it's no less shitty than that trollop having wasted my time and energy. During my formative years, I wasn't offered any explanation by the co-eds that spurned my advances - and despite all the evidence to the contrary - I am doing just fine. The neckbeards can learn the hard way, just like me and everyone else since the cessation of arranged marriages.
I won't argue against telling someone (as tactfully as possible) that they need to brush up on their conversation/not being a creeper or asshole skills, but sometimes two people just don't click, even though there's nothing particularly "wrong" with either party. And a lot of people don't like being told that someone just isn't into them, regardless of the reason. Argue lack of maturity or lack of social awareness or pure vanity, but people are what they are, and telling them what they are isn't appealing can trigger less than pleasant reactions. Like shimm said, you don't know how they'll react to the rejection, and I would rather take the path of least risk.
I agree with this. Sometimes there isn't anything to learn. Decent, socially-competent people are incompatible with each other every day. Also, I don't know how much weight a stranger's opinion or advice carries. Is some asshole I picked up from Craig's List (Casual Encounters, aww, yeah!) going to take advice on improving conversation skills to heart, especially after knowing me for, at most, an hour? Probably not.
Alt Focus- Yes. To answer the posts above, no, it's not a girl's responsibility to tell a guy what he could improve about himself. However, she should be straight about her feelings. How many women, at the end of a date, will say something "sorry, not interested in a romantic relationship. Let's just be friends"? In my experience, somewhere between 10 and 20%. Others will string you along or ignore you. I know that many guys are the same way, and it is very illustrative of the "avoid confrontation at all costs" mindset. Focus- I wouldn't call any of my dates "bad", since I see them as an adventure and opportunity to meet a new person. However, the following one was quite hilarious. Since I didn't want to park in the city, I took a train to San Francisco and met the girl there. She picked me up. In terms of appearance, she was even more beautiful than her photos. Gorgeous dark skin, fine facial features, and a wonderful body. I believe she mentioned she was Middle Eastern crossed with black. Well, as soon as I get in her car, she starts telling me things about herself. Firstly, she mentions she has a daughter. This doesn't really bother me. I have dated plenty of girls with kids. Then, she mentions that she had a cocaine addiction towards the end of high school, and thus, didn't go to college, despite graduating early, at 16. This is concerning, but she assures me she has been clean for a long time now. (She is 27, I'm 24) Then, she tells me that she has been convicted of a crime. KI: "Oh, what was it?" Girl: "Assault". KI: "Well nowadays, they call ANYTHING assault. What did you do, push someone?" Girl: (laughing) "Heheh, I did a bit more than that to her..." KI: "Oh?" Girl: "I smashed a beer bottle over her head." KI: "Uh....was she okay?" Girl: "She needed major facial reconstructive surgery." KI: "How long were you in jail?" Girl: "A year". At this point, I am genuinely taken aback. She further mentions that as part of her probation, she works incredibly long hours at an attorney's office, and deals with a motley collection of rapists and murderers. At this point, she mentions she has slept about 2 hours in the last couple of days. The possibility of her crashing the car is the one thing that genuinely scares me on this date. Anyways, she drives to Marin, a gorgeous, up-scale, seaside town. First, we eat at a restaurant. Despite what I've written above, this girl is unbelievably nice and considerate. I am taken aback once again. She won't even allow me to pay for my part of the meal. Later, we head to a bar that is right next door. (Keep in mind that it's like 2 pm on a Saturday...) I wonder if it's a good idea considering she is going to drive. She assures me that driving while intoxicated is a regular thing for her, and she's used to it. I am getting scared again. At the bar, she greets the bartenders, regulars, and owner like family, inquires about their lives, etc. She is more energetic and enthusiastic here than at any point during the date. Finally, it's time to leave. To re-iterate, this girl is amazingly kind and sweet. However, like a lot of girls who experience too much of life too early (sex, drugs, and serious problems and responsibilities at too young of an age), she just seems worn-out and jaded. Even beyond her sleep deprivation, nothing really seems to interest or excite her, and her eyes seem sunk and bored. One notable exception is when we begin talking about her job on the way back. She mentions that she often acts like a bitch to the murders/rapists her scumbag lawyer boss defends. "What the fuck are they going to do? Complain?! They're fucking murderers and rapists!" In addition, she mentions two particular clients that stood out to her mind. One was a famous serial rapist who had made major news for raping about a dozen different woman. According to the girl, he was the nicest individual she had ever come across at her work. Exceedingly warm and polite. Another was a guy who had stabbed his victim 68 times. KI: "Apparently, the first 10 times weren't enough. He needed to kill the dead body some more!" Girl: (laughing like crazy) "HAHAHA, you don't even know the best part." KI: "Oh?" Girl: (breathless with laughter, barely able to get the words out) "In the process of stabbing the body so many times, this man...he...stabbed HIMSELF 2 times ACCIDENTALLY." KI: "Wow...he must have really been in a zone". We arrive back to the train station safe and secure, without any crashes. The girl, who genuinely seems like a good person despite all the craziness, gives me a very warm embrace, although it's understood we probably aren't right for each other.
I've actually done this before, back in the good ol' days when it wasn't an App. It was the only time that I stopped a date before its agreed upon end and it was because I felt like I was in immediate danger. I was on a blind date with a guy who had seen me at a party and tracked me down through my friend, and I was in a room in a basement behind three locked doors and surrounded by rooms that various bands were practicing in. I texted my roommate, asked her to call me in three minutes, pretended I couldn't hear her well enough but could tell it was something important, and told him I just needed to step outside to take this. Then I fucking ran half way across Boston. I would never use this app to end a date that was simply going poorly, but I would either use the app or the same trick again if I found myself in a situation where I didn't feel safe and could have an "It's not you, it's me" excuse to not piss off someone I thought could be dangerous. Of course, it's a pretty common trick so he could always see right through it, but at least it would give me a head start to bolt if he figured it out. Looking back at that date, I do feel a little bit bad about it because I'm pretty sure the guy was just clueless instead of dangerous and a simple "I think I'm going to go now" in so many words would've probably resulted in a bit of protest but in me eventually leaving at a normal pace. But, every time I've been in a situation that has ended dangerously with a guy, it was never under circumstances where I would have expected something to go wrong. So, I definitely don't regret it and am totally on board with the other TiBettes who were talking about being nervous about how a guy would react if they were straightforward about feeling that they needed to leave immediately. All that being said, I'm pretty sure the makers of the app and 90% of the people who'd use it were not having the "get yourself out of danger" aspect in mind. As much as I don't like spending time with scary dudes, I also don't like being impolite. If he's just not my type of guy, my time's not so important that I can't power through polite conversation for an hour or two, smile and thank him for the night at the end and try not to say anything misleading of my intentions. I think using it just to ditch a guy you're not into in the middle of a date would be pretty shitty. Maybe using it at the end of the date wouldn't be so bad if they're pushing for it to go longer than you want. It's not that much different than making up some lame excuse like "I have to get up really early tomorrow morning."
I thought pretty much everyone does first dates/meetings in well-lit, pubic places like coffee shops, bars, and/or restaurants, no? How did you end up in a basement behind three locked doors?
Well, it was a really weird story and I've started to forget some of the details. But the general answer is that the original plan was that we were going to get coffee but then he told me he didn't like coffee and we were going to go somewhere better. The more profound answer is some combination of naivete ("This probably won't go as wrong as I'm thinking it might"/ I thought it might have been one of those speakeasy-esque bars) and being suspended in that part of being scared when you shut down and aren't thinking and just kind of blindly follow along before I snapped out of it.
An app that prevents people from using any photo that is over a year old would be most welcome. On second thoughts, it should be mandatory.
Do you guys frequently end up on dates that are so abhorrent, you actually can't tolerate the other person's presence for a meal or a couple drinks? I mean, I've discovered I'm not into a girl early on in a date, but I can't think of a single time I've gone out with someone so completely repellent, that I was utterly desperate for an out. I'm sure this is a function of not going on many blind dates (my dating history has usually been with girls I have met first at parties/class/whatever, or friends of friends) - I'm just wondering how common it really is? Obviously, Angel's date was exceptionally bad and probably worthy of stopping it in the middle, so I'm not at all saying it doesn't happen. I just think that if you simply aren't into the other person, the attitude of "cut your losses and don't spend another minute with them" is extremely unpleasant.
Strangers from the internet are still vastly, VASTLY less likely to kill you than your family, your spouse, traffic accidents, bees, and falling vending machines. You'd be more justified arguing that you you had to be a rude dick during your date, the vending machine was looking a bit precarious and you were in fear of your life. I've had shit first dates. None of them were really funny. The chick who only had one interest, a lame pop/"punk" band, and only listened to their music, only watched documentaries about them or their music video clips, and only read their fan magazines. Since then I make sure that anyone I'm going on a date with knows enough about me to either lose interest and run away, or be weird enough that we have something to talk about.