So... what are you doing later?

I was recently involved in a funeral. A friend of mine acted as an intermediary between the family and the funeral home / church for the planning and execution of the funeral, and this entailed a lot of talking on the phone with and e-mailing the funeral director. Well, I was talking with her again last night, and she told me about an e-mail she received from the funeral director after the funeral was completed. He had asked her out. Nevermind that the guy lives something like 6 hours away, who the fuck asks someone out after you've just planned a funeral together?

Focus: What's the creepiest circumstances under which someone has hit on you / asked you out?

Anti-focus: Most unusual circumstances you've successfully hooked up with / asked someone out.

 

How can you be both "mid-fuck" and "pre-coitus"?

Focus: There's a chemical conference that takes place every winter in Baltimore. I've attended for the last 3-4 years and always had a pretty good time. A few years ago, it was held in National Harbour and a bunch of my lab and government contacts were there, so we all went to this bar across from the hotel for dinner and copious drinks. My goal was to get the cute guy from Environment Canada absolutely loaded and I was buying his sixth martini when I felt a hand on my lower back. One of the lab guys - a 60+ dude with a creepy smile and hands that were far too warm - had his hand on my back. I glanced at my boss who was sitting on the other side of said lab dude and she gave me a similar look of horror. His other hand was on her back. The two of us faked our way to the bathroom and shuddered for a few minutes before returning to our places, hoping he'd get the message. He did not.

When we all got back to the hotel shortly thereafter, I found a piano in the main lobby and was playing away as I am sometimes wont to do. Lab dude came over, sat next to me, blew in my ear and asked me out because "you have fingers that I'd like to see on my organ". God almighty. I stopped playing mid-song and went up to my room for a hot shower and to rape the mini-bar.

The worst part? His lab is INCREDIBLY good at what they do, and I ended up with a client who threw them $5M in work the following year. So dude probably thinks his advances won him a shitload of business.

 

Fucking is a slang term that can refer to the entire act, whereas coitus specifically means intercourse. Hence, if you've kissed, pinched, sucked etc but haven't penetrated...

pedanted

 

I got hit on by a male patient while I was retracting his asshole so we could burn anal condylomas (HPV) out of his rectum.

 

Focus: I once asked out a cute veterinary technician while she was scraping crusty funk out of my cat Ein's weird eyes that always crust up. It failed but I smiled about five seconds later and said casually, "Sorry, this was a pretty weird place and time to ask, right?" and then we laughed. I'm now friends with her on Facebook.

Alt-Focus: During an attempted hook-up with a girl I was already good friends with, my eldest brother got home. I had to hide the girl in my closet, whisper-shouting at her to keep calm, and then had to go outside, get a ladder, extend it up the second story window under the pretense of watering the geraniums on my windowsill, and safely got the girl out of there. It was an awkward ride home. (FYI: Eldest brother is a big Evangelical Christian and I still lived as most teenagers do in the house of my parents, and he would have tattled and made both my lady friend and my life hell if allowed to know of this. I told him years later and he got flippant. I just sighed like, "Man, I love you as a brother, but fuck you sometimes.")

 

Lets be honest, that's a pretty great line.

FOCUS: Creepy? Can't really think of creepy. My friends in any sort of medical related field get hit on at work all the time, but thats not too creepy.

Last night, I had a soccer game and one of the girls on my team is REALLY good. So after a particularly good first half, we're standing, subbed out for the beginning of the second half, when some dude comes up and basically tells her she's amazing and he would like her to play on their team in the spring. Now, its hard to find talented girls to play intramural soccer, especially getting into your mid to late 20s, so I get that, but after she laughed and said she wasn't sure what her schedule was going to be like come spring, he followed it up with..."well, would you like to get dinner in the meantime?" Which, given the timing and context was ABSURD and hilarious. Needless to say, she politely ran away to rejoin the game.

ALT-FOCUS: I once picked up a girl at a Subway. The "restaurant", not the transportation. She was in line, couldn't read something, asked me, I responded with a joke. The cashier said something awkward to her as she checked out, we made a joke about it as we both were walking out. We stopped for a min outside the store, I said fuck it, asked for digits and we ended up hooking up a few days later...then she got back together with her bf. So there's that.

 

Does any guy still in high school who has sex with someone he hasn't already become "official" with not get asked that?

 

Lost my phone in a cab, and after getting it back I asked the girl out. Mainly because she was a hot redhead and I was trying to fuck a hot redhead. It didn't go anywhere. Another time my dad had a series of small strokes and went to a speech pathologist. She was definitely feeling me, but my dad cockblocked me harder than anyone ever has. That's why that old fucker is going to end up in an old folks home.

 

A few years ago I went out to do some Christmas shopping, and to make it tolerable I stopped and had a beer at a chain restaurant bar outisde the mall. A woman who was at the bar when I walked in got up and came over to sit next to me and began hitting on me before i even had a beer in my hand. I displayed no interest in her, and was wearing my wedding ring, but that didn't seem to deter her. Annoying, but not really creepy, right?

Until she began to tell me about how she had lost an incredible amount of weight in the past year or so, then reached in her purse and pulled out a picture of her at about 300 pounds. It was obvious that she feeling good about herself, and if she was ever thin in her life it hadn't been for a very long time until recently, and now she was looking for a roll in the hay with anyone - married, uninterested, or not.

 

So did you go on the date?

 

Was his name Juice? I bet it was Juice.

Focus: I had this old fuck buddy that would always call me drunk to come over after I got off of my night shift job to do the deed, which was all well and good until the time I finally met her roommate. (Up until this point, I knew she had one, but never met her due to the fact that she was always asleep by the time I rolled in.) Well one night she invited me over to just hang out much earlier than before to watch a football game and her roommate was there with us. Nice enough girl, but close to 3 bills. The whole time I'm there she's being nice and cordial, engaged in our conversations, watching the game, etc. Well, this particular night I didn't stick around because I had some early morning obligations the next day and decided to get out of there early. As I'm walking out to my car, this girl calls after me to wait up, she's got something for me. Thinking maybe I forgot something of mine, I walk back over and she immediately just busts out "You know, if (FB) is ever busy, you can still come over and I'll blow you if you want." I was so shocked I just kinda stammered out a 'Th-thanks..." and left.

I texted my FB to tell her about it thinking it was kinda weird and that we would just laugh it off, but apparently this wasn't the first time she had done something like this before and I was essentially the proverbial last straw that caused her to move out.

 

Completely derailed my train of thought while reading this thread. The urge to google this procedure is overwhelming. Fuck you internal thirst for knowledge.

 

Alt-focus In the early 2000 I started going to Guatemala every summer for 10-14 days to do volunteer work in a hospital, it was organized by a Primitive Baptist Church and we stayed in a house they had. The rules were very strict, no drinking, smoking, swearing or any sort of malfeasance the men and women were separated in rooms and they tried to keep the co-mingling to a minimum. The first few days I had to kind of feel everyone out to see who were the rule followers but by the 5 day I had a group comprised of Rotarians, audiologists and a family doctor, whose daughter was one of the audiologists and his wife was along for good measure. We had discovered a local swill ,Venado Especial or reindeer rum as we called it, and at $6 per handle we would drink as much as we could every night after our group ate at a huge dining room table in the house we were staying in.
I had been working with the Dr. everyday and in between patients hitting on his daughter hard, both he and his wife seemed to like me, after all I was doing volunteer work in a foreign country and had raised money for the hospital. The daughter after a few days had fell victim to my charm or she was just drunk and towards the end of the trip after a night of drinking when everyone had went to bed we started hooking up on a couch downstairs but it was not comfortable, it was pitch black in that house so I managed to get her on the dining room table with her pants down and my face in her pussy. I would have continued on but someone started moving around upstairs so we called it a night.

I really need to get back into doing volunteer work

 

I was in a bar once and walked by a group of 20 people celebrating a birthday that dared a woman to kiss me. I stopped when I heard this and looked at her and said "you don't have the balls to do it" and grinned at her. She gave me a huge grin back, I leaned her on a dinner table in a restaurant full of people and gave her full on tongue. This led to me taking her home later that same night. She turned out to be a little crazy so we only hooked up for like three weeks.

 

Thanks for reminding me that none of the cute girls coming in for their Valtrex ask me out on dates.

 

When I was a sophomore in high school, I was propositioned by one of the dishwashers at the diner I worked at. He was 40, couldn't remember my name, and asked me out after telling me about how he "legally" doesn't have a name. Apparently, his mother lost his birth certificate before he was taken away by social services as a baby. He was renamed by his grandmother, but did not have a birth certificate, any form of ID, or a social security number. This was all told to me while he stood in front of the time clock so I could not punch out at the end of my shift until he was done talking. He was also fully aware that I was 15 at the time.

 

Is that any worse than my friend who is a physical therapist who had a post-stroke (caused by rampant drug use) patient tell her that "my leg is fucked up, but I promise you my cock works just fine"?

 

The other day a patient's husband made about a dozen comments in the span of 20 minutes regarding my looks and/or hitting on me. I didn't think much about it until the third comment. It wasn't so much what he said as the fact that his wife was puking her guts out as he said it. Then I just felt embarrassed and sorry for the wife.

I've also had ICU patients make comments about keeping the lights on and getting blowjobs to me while I'm taking care of something around their feet. Smooth.