Pro tip: for men who like to buy vibrators, be at least moderately well off. Shit's expensive. I feel terribly oppressed and poverty-stricken by the number of vibrators I've purchased in my time. (Why doesn't this apply to women? Because you can plausibly keep your vibrators through multiple relationships without having your partner(s) visualize the pleasuring of a plethora of preceding partners. Other than crying kittens, the saddest thing in the world is having to make a present of all the sex toys you've paid for / gone halves in when a relationship ends.) Spoiler Yes, it's almost, but not quite, as sad as this. Incidentally, a woman I was seeing a while back could only get off via vibrator (batter up, people); she told me this, but then was shocked when I suggested she should have, perhaps, brought one with her. She was horrified at the very idea and suggested that most men would be seriously pissed off by this. Ladies, is this a thing? Do you hesitate to bring up (or bring over) a vibrator for fear of inspiring purple-silicon envy in your man?
As far as "norms" go (and yes, those of the morally righteous variety), it seems to me that Bigchops is the one being a deviant here. Obviously most everyone here (including myself) agrees having a few sex partners is fine morally. I suppose it's mostly irrelevant what the actual cutoff anyone would give on too many (as the general opinion seems to be fuck whoever you want, but don't fuck more than you want). If you want to try to talk about deviance and Foucault, a deeper question might be, what does your thinking it's fine (morally) consist in? And then analyze whatever answer you can come up with in terms of how that relates to the systems of power and control that operate in the world. I highly doubt you'll end up finding you are being a deviant in any sense, and I somewhat suspect you will find that the institutional power structures (which probably don't exist outside of yourself) are operating on you just fine.
First, you seem to have a lot of anger and sexual hatred. Once you date a girl and discard her, you 'may' keep her around for the purposes of just plain sex (FB), but in her mind it's a twisted ploy to win you back. My question for you is: what if the girls aren't hanging around for that? What if they're just treating it as a casual sex call and seeing other people? Are they sluts or whores? It's interesting, because your view would give you an out. Of COURSE they're substandard! That's why you broke up! Now you REALLY have no interest in dating her again, because aside from [whatever reason you broke up] she's also a filthy whore who fucks around. Confirmation bias. I don't think it's fair on one person's part to assume exclusivity if The Conversation has never been had. You can't place a moral burden (not that I consider sex moral or immoral) on someone simply because you share an attraction. If you want exclusive monogamy, there has to be a conversation and a mutual agreement.
I guess it depends what your definition of "dating/seeing" is IMO. My thoughts are if you are classified as "dating"* a girl and you found out she was boning several dudes, I can see getting all bent out of shape, but if you've just been out a few times with her, then I'd say that's over reacting. *My definition would be if you're seeing each other with the intent to see where the relationship takes you and not just for a fun time. I met my GF online and after a few dates, I took down my profile and stopped pursuing other chicks because I liked where it felt it was heading with her even though we weren't in a committed relationship yet. I'm sure that I'm on the conservative side for this board where people are fucking a few dozen randoms right up until they say "I do" though.
I don't think it qualifies as deviant. However, keeping one guy around because he smacks your ass just right, and another guy around for the sole reason that he has the right size junk for anal, does mean you are quite a connoisseur.
As I mentioned in the drunk thread to me a fuckbuddy is just there for sex. Only calls (but mostly texts) after midnight. There's some talking and bantering after the fact, but if anyone stays over it's just because we're having more sex in the morning, but usually it's a "have great sex, then leave" type of situation. FWB's you hang out with and then sleep with. So we can go watch a movie, go have drinks, etc. and then go back to either domicile at the end of the night. SO's have been covered and are pretty much what people expect, although in my opinion you shuold always have the exclusivity talk instead of assuming. That way everyone knows where they stand. Also, don't make the assumption that this means total exclusivity forever and ever. Hell, I know that if I ever get serious with someone chances are I'm still not going to be totally monogamous, nor would I expect my partner to be. But I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. Note: The following is purely anecdotal and only draws from my experiences. Your mileage may vary. Spoiler A lot of people have mentioned how FWB situations can get weird, and they absolutely can. Feelings get involved, someone gets hurt, and it can be a huge fiasco. In my experience, this happens when people get a FWB and then remain static as far as their dating life goes. So you end up spending a lot of time with one person, doing stuff you would normally do with someone you're dating, but claim you're not doing so. From what I've seen, guys can fuck up because hey, if you have someone who is willing to hang out and you have fun with and then sleep with you, without the dating hassle, why not hang out with them a bunch right? Guys tend to abuse FWB situations because it's easy sex. In order to keep it casual you should only see a FWB (again, IMO), once a week at most. Girls sometimes tend to get a FWB they like and then stop dating, and if they see the person a lot they eventually think "hell, I enjoy spending time with him and the sex is good, why not date him?" instead of seeing the FWB as a temporary solution. Whether they end badly or not is up to the individual, but if you have someone tell you they like you, or try to move in a dating direction and you don't want to do it, male or female you really need to stop sleeping with them. Even if they tell you it's ok and you can just go back to having sex casually, IMO it's not a fair situation. Break it off (you'll feel like a jerk for a bit) and maybe down the line you can be friends again.
How timely. A thread about not sleeping with your friends because you'll inevitably fuck it up and probably make things weird. Where were you a few weeks ago?
Sorry, we were too busy ALREADY KNOWING THAT. I mean, isn't that something every adult should know simply by being alive? It's on the Sexual Taboo List one below Don't Drunk-Dial Your Ex-Girlfriend If She's A Psychopath.
Focus: Spoiler In recent years, it has been rare that I've had multiple partners within less than a couple months of each other. I suppose that so long as every partner pairing (i.e., you and partner 1, you and partner 2, et cetera) is aware of the circumstances surrounding their partnership and accepts them without reservation, there is no set limit. However, I'm with TX. I've seen the charts on sexual exposure as partner quantity increases. In my classes, I read about hepatitis and antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea epidemics. In passing, I've heard about the syphilis outbreak that made its way over from Europe via a porn actor. PubMED is a terrifying daily read. Fuck y'all's safety talk, herpes and everything else can be transmitted even with condoms or trash bags or dental dams or whatever it is you're using to cover your bits, and they can remain dormant after incubation. I'm (a) amazed that the general population's junk isn't just straight rotting off in the streets, (b) constantly terrified that I'll catch something, and (c) surprised and forever thankful that I made it through my former employment unscathed. Should I ever catch something, I want to know who it was so I can hunt him down and rain terror upon his hapless soul (because everyone thinks they're the exception to the STD-transmitting rule). Hence, the distance between partners. Also, call me old-fashioned, but I feel like the idea that sexual needs cannot possibly be fulfilled by a single person is due to selfishness (or laziness) and possibly fear of emotional involvement. She doesn't fondle your balls when she blows you? Tell her you want her to. He doesn't yank your hair just right while he whispers that you're a cum-guzzling slut in your ear? Show him how hard to pull, tell him just what to say. If your excuse is that you'd rather your sexual fulfillments come ready-made instead of having to take a moment to teach someone how you like things done, it's pure selfishness, and I hope your partner bangs someone else in lieu of telling you when they'd like you to do something differently in bed. Furthermore, monogamy actually benefits the average modern male from a social evolution standpoint. If polygamy was the standard, all of you that aren't rich would be single and jerking it to sleep every night while the wealthy men that can afford to raise their own army of offspring stock up on vagina. Any way you slice it, I just cannot wrap my brain around the desire for multiple partners. All that being said, I want to emphasize that, as long as it doesn't affect me, I'm not bothered by other people banging every which way to their hearts' content. Y'all do your thing, I'm just going to sit over here with my HIV case studies and a hazmat suit.
Oh boy, I'm not gonna lie, I fired this off the other night after about 8 pints and a few shots watching the Tigers game. I guess I did come off as an angry d-bag, but I was just trying to exaggerate for effect. I am not "sexually angry" or bitter in any way. I've never caught a girl cheating on me, and I am in a happy monogamous relationship with my girlfriend of 2 years. I will defend my statement that I don't think there is ever a need for multiple regular sexual partners. It's not that I'm on some moral high ground here, but I do believe in monogamous relationship. Whether they be casual or serious long-term things. If someone isn't satisfying you sexually, break up with them and move on. Find someone that will. You talk about being safe when having sex all these sex partners, do you use protection for oral sex? Maybe you're not all filthy whores but you're still whores. Which I guess in your case isn't a bad thing. I'm just an advocate of being a filthy whore with one person at a time. Yeah, maybe I am the deviant one in this group. As far as my initial statement about my ex-gfs being FwBs, the point I was ever so eloquently trying to make was that FWBs are usually one-sided. One of the parties involved is usually emotionally attached, and using sex for some other motive than to just bust a nut. I am well into my thirties, and while not a wise old man at this point, I think I've been around enough to know a good cross-section of the American population. I've never encountered a FWB or FB situation that ended well for both involved parties. Sorry if I really offended some of you, but my post wasn't meant to be taken so seriously. I've been on this board (and the RMMB) for a long time, and you're all not supposed to be so fuckin' touchy. Some of you need to relax, and break out your vibrators. I guess I hit a nerve.
So long as were talking all holy, I'd like to add a little something from (I believe) the book of Levidicus, when it is said: "And lo, the douche did walk upon the thread and spout his idiocy, revealing not comprehension of what was said, but tactless trolling."
I would retort with a quote from Friedrich Nietzsche: “If you go out on the Internet to confront trolls, take care that you do not become a troll yourself.” Seriously, I was not intending to condemn Pussy Galore on some moralistic basis for her past. If I did, considering my own past, I would be a huge hypocrite. I personally think that being an escort should be legalized. PG talked about her experiences as an escort frankly and honestly, without excuses or responsibility shifting. I sincerely commend her for that. Anyone who has not read the “Ask an escort” thread should do so now. Utterly fascinating, and the best “Ask a ____” thread on this board. My point is that it’s easy to condemn other people’s sexual life after you’ve had your fun, so to speak. Everyone with a sex life has done things, that if publicized, would make other people blanch and condemn. People have sex. People have sex in ways that you do not approve of. Other people disapprove of the way you have sex. The shock and moralizing that have been exhibited on this thread are amusing, considering that this board is outgrowth of Tucker Max’s message board, a board which continually found the amusement value in irresponsible sexual acting out.
While I appreciate the shout out, I have to correct this. I didn't do what I did because I wanted to win at bangable bingo. I didn't enjoy having multiple partners in any given day beyond the money that came with it; if I could have made that money by having a conversation over beers, I'd have jumped at the chance, but it just doesn't work that way. I am a monogamist at heart, and have never contemplated greener sexual pastures so long as I've been with someone that I can effectively communicate with and who is receptive to my "needs", such as they are. Summary for those that don't want to read about stuff that will rot your groin: I'm not moralizing in the least, and my shock has little to do with people's sexual proclivities and everything to do with their standards of sexual safety. Basically, we're all going to get hurt feelings, the clap, or both. I hope y'all are happy. Spoiler I don't condemn multiple partners from a moralistic standpoint, I condemn it from biological and emotional health standpoints. The more people you add to your sex life, the more emotions you have to deal with and the greater the likelihood of someone getting hurt. There is a fair amount of whining about girl drama or boy drama on here and in day-to-day life, and I strongly question whether people would have even half the drama they do if they would find one person they enjoy in all aspects instead of trying to share the love 24/7. Also, diseases are spreading at ridiculous rates and evolving to withstand drug therapies in part because what the general population considers "being safe" isn't actually safe. Even going with your partner to get tested prior to engaging in any sexual contact isn't 100% effective, because some viral diseases will not show up on test results if they're in a dormant stage. The CDC estimates that over half of sexually active individuals will catch genital HPV in their lifetimes. Types 16 and 18 (which can lead to cervical cancer) are essentially undetectable in men because men don't have cervices, and thus will be asymptomatic for the remainder of their lives while they happily go on claiming (and appearing) to be clean and spreading a coochie cancer-causing virus. As for the bacterial STIs that you think you can clear up with a horse pill, good luck with that in the future: as of 2010, over a quarter of the gonorrhea isolates collected by GISP (the clap scientists) were resistant to three of the most common antimicrobials in any combination. There is no moralizing on my part, only a very real fear of the consequences of having multiple partners. Alt focus, just to keep the thread from completely derailing: - Fuck buddy = someone you bang without emotion or conversation; the moment comes, then it's gone, and so are they - Friend with benefits = someone you bang, theoretically without emotion, though conversation is encouraged; this is the perfect emotional storm - Significant other = someone you bang exclusively, hopefully with emotion and conversation I often end up in a weird middle ground between FWB and significant other because I lean towards exclusivity by default, whether a relationship is the goal or not.
Jesus, all this talk of emotional harm. Am I the only one who is, in fact, able to separate emotional relationships from sexual ones? Maybe I'm odd, but I've never had a problem with a FWB or FB situation blowing up in my face and ending badly due to an unforeseen emotional attachment (knock on wood).
I'm currently in a FWB situation that is teetering on the verge of a relationship. I'm open to it because I find her awesome, but don't think she's emotionally there. If she is, she's being a ninja about it. We've set up some rules to keep it easy breezy. There is no handholding, no PDA, no casual kissing, no cuddling, no talking about it around friends or telling anyone (because all your friends will do is pressure you into a relationship) and if one of us plan on breaking it off there shall be one last drunken sex night so the other's last performance can be their best performance. We're exclusive though, I'm not trying to catch shit. The difference is simple, FB you don't see during the day time. FWB you see during the day time, SO well you're together. "We" gets used.
I'd hazard a guess that this is mostly due to the fact that women are often the partner that gets emotional about a sexual relationship; if you're not one to allow emotional attachment from yourself and you date emotionally unavailable men (if I'm remembering that correctly), you're unlikely to encounter emotional fallout.
I've had the occasional blow up, but for the most part it hasn;t been a problem. And, like anything else, you weigh the risk vs reward. Most of the time it's not a problem and the few times it was weren't a big enough of an issue to outweigh the times it was fine.
I agree with most people's definitions of FB/FWB/SO except that I would never assume exclusivity until it has been explicitly talked about by both parties. I do think people have a responsibility to make clear their non-exclusivity if it looks like the situation is veering relationshipward as monogamy is the more typical setup, and that the conversation should happen pretty early on. (And think that you can have SO relationships that are not exclusive provided everyone involved is happy and on board with the idea). I'm fine with the idea of casual but in practice I find I have an internal cut-off of about 3-5 months - either I get feelings for them, or I miss being mushy and romantic and want to get feelings for someone. I'm pretty good at walking away before I get to the pining stage, though. This is partly because I'm not a fan of booty calls, I basically only have decent sex with people I genuinely like outside the bedroom. I'm currently in the nebulous more-than-FWB-but-not-exclusive zone with a guy I see regularly, and there's a girl I hook up with on about a monthly basis. I don't have the time or inclination to date more, I don't think I've ever kept up seeing more than two people for any length of time.