You poor unfotunate bastard you just spun the wheel and lost at body Lotto, I wish you the very best of luck. The first thing you may notice is that your perception is similar to standing on a step stool. You're not. You're now really fucking tall and you'll get constant questions about basketball and long range weather forecasts. Disregard these inquires, you have more pressing problems. Number one being that the body is damn near half a century old and the previous occupant spent the said past half century trying to destroy it like it was a cut rate amusement house. You'll want to be well aware of low hanging branches, street signs, door frames and angry eagles. Angry anything for that matter. What was once a highly functional brain has suffered numerous concussions, both external and internal. (Apparently cocaine and heavy alcohol use can cause brain trauma. Sorry.) But once again, that's neither here nor there, there are more problems needing your immediate attention. Your liver is now balls deep in a very confused river of "What the fuck happened?" Have you ever uttered the words "Ow! My liver!"? You're about to. I suggest you sign up for a transplant post haste, tell the doctors you're making a pre-emptive strike. They may or may not believe you. If you have any illusions of playing sports with your new (Formally) athletic body, get over them right now. The knees were blown out over 30 years ago and old folk degenerative diseases have set up shop in your joints. When it rains, something will hurt. When the sun shines, something else will hurt. My best advice is to keep everything lubricated with cheap beer. On the plus side, you now have fingers that have 40 years of muscle memory playing guitar, and a body that is apparently impervious to destruction. It's probably not a good trade off. I'd rather be 30 years younger. Good luck and watch the melon....one more blow to the head and everything may go to shit.
Congratulations! Your new body is in excellent condition: Despite the fact that it belonged to a middle-aged desk jockey, you have textbook blood pressure (120/80), and the pulse of a runner. The former owner never smoked more than an experimental pack or two and the occasional cigar. Your new body has never had any broken bones, stitched wounds, or surgery, major or minor. Your new body will suffer from occasional odd ailments and pains that your doctor will have no explanation for, but these will disapear as mysteriously as they appeared. You are also current on your tetanus and rabies vaccinations, so feel free to pet the rabid racoons climbing out of your neighbor's cellar. Congratulations! Your new body leaves a little to be desired: The muscles of your new body are in general disuse, and the legs haven't broken into a full sprint since 1994. Your new scalp is losing hair in front and on the crown, but don't worry - you can likely find all of it on your back, ears, and ass. Your new body comes with an all-weather spare tire and a liver that is in questionable condition. And I'm sure that rash is nothing that a round of antibiotics can't cure.
Not a bad choice in mortal coils. 6'2, blond, blue-eyed, on the skinny side but enough muscle definition to get compliments from girls on your abs. And let's be honest here, the body was in desperate need of a personality change anyways.
You have AIDS. Get used to drinking cocktails by the threesome. I'm just kidding. However, Your last two fingers on your right hand are fucked up because they got chopped off and re-attached when you were a kid. You can't bend your left wrist backwards because of a grinder accident. Learn to not shave because you have a scar from a knifefight on your chin. And because you look like a pre-pubescent 12 year old without a goatee. You have a scar between your eyebrows from smashing a beer can on your forehead. You are a meathead. Your shoulder will forever be fucked up. No one knows why. Its probably the AIDS. Every toe has been broken from kicking shit. You look like the most hirsute man on the planet because of your face, but you don't have hair anywhere else. Except your asscrack. You've never done anything half-assed in your life. So don't do drugs.
Ah, I see you've purchased one of our "urban" models. While it is undoubtedly stylish and fashionable, it suffers from a few drawbacks -- It is not equipped to be used to certain environments. These include off-roading, skiing, and at the LL Bean store. You might also have issues navigating some of the southern states, in part because of the way the hood is adorned and the slightly hipster exterior decoration. If you are into sports, you are in some luck! Congratulations, you are now able to dunk with ease, and will be generally fast and athletic. However, if you are into contact sports, you might want to make to modifications. Let's just say you are not built for knocking over defensive backs. You will also have no idea how to play hockey or lacrosse, so good luck with that. There have been a few repairs made over the years: most notably, both lungs have collapsed and had to have been reinflated. Currently, however, it is in fine working condition -- you have received a body that it both attractive and practical, unless you want to do some kind of renovation or housework. You might be tempted to go wild with the mouth immediately -- it is unlikely that you've experienced one so lush and talented -- and why not? Have at it for a while. Godspeed, and goodluck.
Dear new owner of my (as yet single-owner) body: My apologies, but you're short with no hope of ever reaching anything on any top shelf. You'll rely on step-stools and spike heels, and the top half of your kitchen cupboards will be empty. You have an abysmally low tolerance for alcohol, and just the barest whiff of pot will make you throw up. Stick to caffeine, it'll give you headaches, but at least you won't puke. You're allergic to metal. Rhodium and titanium and yellow gold will be your best friends. Despite the coolness factor, don't try pole dancing - those poles are NOT good for your skin. In fact, your skin is a pain in the ass all around. Those little spots on your knees are eczema. You're going to want to buy coal tar in bulk. Don't worry about the carcinogenicity warnings - your vanity is more important. And those scars on your legs and chest? They've been around for 20 years at this point - I think you're stuck with them. Your hormones are crazy. You can try to tamp them down with progestin, but really, that's a bandaid fix. You'll be moody, prone to fits of rage and sadness, unable to rationalize, and downright bitchy. The trade-off here is that your sex drive will be insatiable. Oh, and enjoy your tits while they're still kinda perky. I've started a slush fund for a lift in your mid-40s. I suspect you'll need it.
A Semi-complete Guide to My Body, From Head to Toe: Be good to your hair, and it'll be good to you. Ignore it or mistreat it, and it will seek revenge. It's not that you don't need sleep (you need a fair amount of it) but you don't want to sleep when you're supposed to. Your body clock is more or less backwards. Naturally, you'll want to sleep between 3am and 2pm. Your hours of greatest productivity are between 9pm and 3am. This isn't terribly great for work schedules. You're really sensitive, in the literal sense of the word. Light will really bother you if it's not just right. Bad smells will make you gag. Sounds can easily irritate you. Etc. Your emotions will hit you hard. You're prone to depression and anxiety. Your teeth will look fine but will almost have some kind of problem. Your shoulders will always ache from them slumping due to your boobs. Try to remember to straighten them occasionally. Sometimes you'll have a highly irregular heartbeat. No one knows why this is. It kind of seems correlated with your general state of mind, but not always. Other general strange and unexplained health issues include getting nosebleeds completely out of the blue, and fainting. Keeping hydrated can help with the fainting, but there have been a few times where that hasn't appeared to be the cause, so..shrug. If you're cranky, shaky, feeling weak or dizzy, you probably just need to eat something. You're kind of like a baby that way. You tend to feel around ten degrees colder than everyone else. This could be due to your low blood pressure. You'll never be happy when it's under 50 degrees. Your hips get pretty sore, but since you're flexible you can stretch them out to feeling better easily. Your knees, on the other hand, are messed up due to horseback riding and dancing while going through puberty. Every now and then they will get really bad and you won't really be able to walk. Generally, between your hips and knees, you may kind of have a limp. You can learn to transform this into a strut. But if not, at least you have genuine swagger. (Because of the whitest of girl problems, though.) Your feet - although you think they are perfectly average feet, if not kind of weird feet because you're convinced your big toes were broken at some point - attract an odd amount of attention. Friends will compliment them. Boys who insist they don't have a foot fetish will tell you how cute they are and want to hold them. When you get a pedicure, the woman will always point out how teeny tiny your little toe is and how she's not even going to bother painting the nail, and then she'll probably wiggle the toe. Cats will always want to play with your toes, and will probably lick them at some point. Dogs can spend thirty minutes straight licking them very contentedly. None of this will ever fail to confuse you, if not disturb you.
It may look okay from the outside, but God help you. Nothing works properly, everything hurts. You may think it's just a constant revolving set of aches and burns, but wait - from time to time you'll get a sudden, random feeling akin to having a railway spike hammered into you. It could be anywhere. Try not to jump. Exercise will make everything hurt more, you'll heat up and sweat profusely. Exercise includes: getting out of bed in the morning, walking and breathing. The heat and sweating thing will mix with the natural hairiness to create some skin issues. I'd suggest moving to a cold climate. You can't see for shit either. Welcome to glasses if you're not already familiar with them. On the plus side, take what's in the pants for a test drive. It might mitigate some of the negatives.
This body has been through 5 open heart surgeries and spent countless hours in the hospital because of it. Maybe you should just look for a better model with a few more miles on it.
-Well, you're Asian and a girl, so date white dudes. On a 10 point scale you're probably +1.5 to nerds, +2 if they play Kingdom Hearts as you share a name with a main character. -You're the kind of Asian girl that lacks the proper enzyme ability to process alcohol, so you can have one drink, max. Except tequila. You're good to down like 8 of those, but that will lead to other issues. -You have terrible eyesight, currently -6.5, so I can throw in my supply of contacts for the inconvenience. -You have a deviated septum and had a surgery to remove a cyst and a molar (seriously) from your sinus at age 12, so you're prone to sinus infections, especially in the spring, when you will be allergic to everything green. -You have Rheumatism in your hips and thighs, so you'll ache before it rains. It'll be like having ESPN or something. -You can blow spit bubble off your tongue. This will gross people out. Laugh as they squeal, it's a power move. -You'll have the ability to hit things really hard. Especially with your right leg. Don't even bother punching. Keep that right leg strong, it is your best friend. -You have a big ass. Do with it what you will.
Mine is pretty simple. Used, but in good condition. However be careful with the food you put in. Occasionally the food you put in will leave out the tailpipe in less than an hour. Only 2 things are identified 100% as culprits: Panda Express, and In N Out. Avoid at all costs. Everything else is a risk. If you know you aren't going to be near a bathroom for a long while and in a stressful situation, just don't eat.
I think you lucked out, but there are a few kinks. Keep working out; this model is currently in outstanding shape physically, despite some slight tendonitis in the right foot. The penis is, for some reason, very difficult to turn on. Your chest, thighs, and neck have strange blotches due to melanin imbalance. Like, "patchwork quilt" blotches. Said blotches are growing. It's not anything to be afraid of, but you'll get strange looks at the beach. The eyes are in terrible shape. The last owner almost got his driver's license suspended because he almost failed the vision test. Yes, the one they give to 80-year-olds. Your hairline is beginning to recede. Despite being 190 pounds, you are a lightweight. Light enough to be drunk after a sixpack. Not retarded drunk, but seriously buzzed. Your face is fucked up due to scarring from acne and innumerable punches, slams, and other painful contact. Luckily, the nose is intact. I think.
Congratulations on your new acquisition, you have chosen well with this 1985 model being in pretty good nick. You have likely gained in altitude but lost some girth and upper body muscle. Don't bother trying to put any of that back, it won't work. As a benefit though you can now eat whatever you want with minimal concern. You should also expect decent mileage from this equipment as Dutch familial history suggests longevity. You will also be able to run and swim long distances but don't bother with contact sports or just about anything that requires strength due to the aforementioned lack of muscle. There's always fineprint, though. Old age, while likely, may suck due to motorcycle-induced injuries on the left side that play up in winter. I suggest a move to the tropics. Alzheimer's is a likely situation should you take this model past 80. Also, recent laser surgery on eyes was not completely successful so take care when operating heavy machinery. This may be possible to rectify, however. You should also stop smoking at some point in the near future. If you have purchased the fully-optioned madel complete with operating system you will be pleased to note its large capacity for memory and scientific ability. This does mean, however, that we have been unable to include any musical or artistic programs and you will be about as competent as the average 3 year old in these fields. You will also bore easily with both people and activities and will seek constant change. This will make healthy relationships damn near impossible. Enjoy your new equipment, and keep it well oiled with quality beer and bourbon. [*]
Before you purchase this body, I'm required by law to tell you the following: - The back and chest hair can grow to become the largest unprotected wilderness in the eastern United States and have been known to scare small children at the beach. I would recommend investing in a ManGroomer and nail scissors. On the plus side, the head hair is glorious and will likely remain that way if genetics are any indication. -The eyes are virtually blind, and the previous owner was too lazy to get Lasik. You'll need contacts. -Although a diet heavy in liquor and Chipotle sustained the previous owner, it is unclear how long the body can take such abuse. -The body's antecedents all lived past age 85, so you may want to purchase an extended warranty. -For some reason, the forearms on this body are disproportionately skinny. -Blood circulation is generally good, but has issues reaching the feet and hands. As a result, the extremities are often cold to the touch. -The penis is excellent. -One more thing: be ready to sweat like a pig.