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Slightly Used, Great Condition

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Juice, Apr 6, 2012.

  1. Juice

    Juice
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    Moderately Gender Fluid

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    This topic was on Reddit, but I think it would do well here.

    Focus: You die but your body is going to a new owner, what should they know about it?

    For me, the pinky toe on my right foot curl upwards do you can't even see the nail.
     
  2. The Village Idiot

    The Village Idiot
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    Porn Worthy, Bitches

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    My penis has been lots of places (certain girls) it probably shouldn't have been.

    Good luck!
     
  3. Aetius

    Aetius
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    Dear new owner of my body,

    Stepping into my brain after using yours your whole life is a bit like getting behind the wheel of a Ferrari after driving a Corolla for years. You're not used to this kind of raw power, and if you aren't careful you could easily careen off the road and kill yourself. It's probably best to stay drunk for a while and ease yourself into it.

    Also, hair now grows slightly faster on the right side of your body than the left. Why this is I'm not sure, but I recommend against any kind of facial hair, unless you have a lot of time to spend evening things up on a regular basis.

    Your shoulders will dislocate very easily, watch out for that. Any time your elbows are above your shoulders you're at risk, so if you're into kinky business, don't let anyone tie your hands to something above you. Stick with gimp suits and shit like that.

    You now have a penis you can be proud of. You're welcome.

    If I think of anything more I'll let you know. Although it doesn't seem likely that I'll be doing much thinking at all, seeing as if you're getting my brain, I assume I'm going to be saddled with yours.

    Sincerely,
    Aetius
     
  4. Flat_Rate

    Flat_Rate
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    Good luck with the liver, cranberry juice helps with the gout.
     
  5. Crown Royal

    Crown Royal
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    Just call me Topher

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    Congratulations on buying this handsome, supremely sarcastic and absolute SHELL of a human being. Lemmie tell you about the features here:

    - Half a dozen concussions
    - Hip arthritis
    - Migraines
    - Survived two car accident it should NOT have
    - Iritis (searing eye pain caused by direct bright light)
    - Blown up in a gas can explosion (why you have V For Vendetta-attractive hands)
    - Large bone chip in left elbow
    - About twenty-five scars
    - Right leg limp

    Don't worry, though. You're still in great athletic condition, people still I.D you for smokes despite the fact you're almost 35 (youth factor) and if you like the Booya, you can pretty much out-smoke Damien Marley and his band the night before they go though customs. You can also cloud women's minds and haunt their dreams. And you're a shape-shifter.
     
  6. GTE

    GTE
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    I can't be the only one who wants to see a pic. I just can't be.
     
  7. bewildered

    bewildered
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    Deeply satisfied pooper

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    The sides of your hands are always tender from the extra fingers that were removed. Also, don't drink milk. For the love of God, avoid the milk.
     
  8. lust4life

    lust4life
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    Whatever the cost, buy the extended warranty.
     
  9. scootah

    scootah
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    Jesus, you poor bastard. Umm, ok, lets start ground up and work through. Left foot has some kind of athletes foot thing that resists every known means of decontamination. I've got no fucking idea. If you have the option, maybe grab a replacement from somewhere else. Obviously I'm a fat bastard so both knees have slightly excessive wear. Fortunately I have great muscle development for lower body. Seriously, keep up the work on the squats and deads - they're the only lifts I'm proud of. There's a piercing or two that you'll find... take em out if you want I guess. They've been pretty popular to date though.

    Try and watch dairy and gluten. Excess of either makes the gut complain. It's not whiny pussy quit eating them levels - but just moderate. Keep in mind that I never really did much in the way of maintenance or smooth driving on the liver. You might want to consider taking it easy on that thing, or booking it in for a replacement when you get the chance. Heart and lungs are surprisingly good, all things considered, but lipo probably wouldn't be a bad idea. Shoulders, biceps and triceps, elbows, wrists and hands are all a bit fucked. Seriously, even more than the left foot, I'd consider having those whole structures rebuilt. I'd have had it done years ago if I could have afforded it. There's a nerve in the neck that you'll tend to pinch if you sleep wrong, it'l fuck over your day and make your grip strength go to shit. Try an osteopath.

    If you shave the goatee, your chin will probably look terrible. I haven't seen in beardless for years so I'm not 100% on that. But last time I saw it, the beard was a major positive. Growing a mustache will make you look like a pedophile, just FYI. Seriously, parents will pick up their children and cross the street. And I'd probably continue shaving the head unless you like looking 10 years older than you really are from the tragically thin / outright bald spots on top. Don't even think about growing your hair out unless white boy fro with bald patches comes into fashion some how.

    Oh... It might seem like a lot of ... kind of weird ... people recognize you. You might want to let them know that we have different interests... Or not. Depending on what direction you lean.
     
  10. R_Flagg

    R_Flagg
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    First off you might notice the little finger on your right hand is crooked, well I'm not sure how or when that even happened. I first noticed it in high school.

    Take it easy on dairy products, my digestive system doesn't tolerate them well. You might eventually notice I've been a heavy smoker since I was 16, but this is a 23 year old body so that damage shouldn't be too severe at this point. It's just a heads up. A diet of greasy foods and red meat might also be the cause of some cardiovascular issues in your later years.

    Oh and don't worry about testicular torsion. Ever since an unfortunate bout when I was 13 or so the testicles have been stitched to the inside of the scrotum to prevent another episode. Quite a nasty story that.

    You're good to go, just some minor scars from butcher knives and burning incense to mar the exterior.
     
  11. LadyLecter

    LadyLecter
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    Alright then. Welcome to my body.

    First off, drink water all the time. I'm serious about this. Not just a glass here and there. I mean you should always have a water bottle within arm's reach that you are always refilling. If you do not do this your right kidney will show you its favorite thing to do, which is to make kidney stones. No one will be able to give you a good answer as to why you get them so the only thing to do is keep drinking the fucking water. If you are drinking alcohol hydrate yourself even more than the crazy amount you should already be doing.

    Your eyesight sucks. Without contacts or glasses you are pretty much useless. You'll find that out immediately.

    Your right foot will hurt like a bitch for a bit when the pressure changes with the weather. That's because it's been broken in three places. Don't worry about it, the pain will go away.

    Get a humidifier, especially in the winter. If you don't then have fun with the nosebleeds.

    You are allergic to sulfa drugs. If you take them you will swell up with hives. It's not pleasant. Also, Dilaudid makes you vomit profusely for hours so if you end up in the hospital for a kidney stone don't let them give any to you, get something else.

    So have fun with that. Otherwise there shouldn't be too much trouble. Now go drink some water.
     
  12. dixiebandit69

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    Thank you for purchasing this wonderful model! You just bought a 6'0",180 lb. caucasian male with only 30 years on him! No medical problems, full head of hair, no broken bones (ever), working penis!
    The previous owner was a little rough on it (lots of alcohol and drugs), but it went through rehab, and a mechanic/doctor gave this body a full inspection, and it's good to go!

    You might have some problems registering it though; there may be some liens (warrants) on it; you most likely won't be able to take it out of the state/country without it being impounded, and it currently can't be registered for use on public roads...
     
  13. PIMPTRESS

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    You sure you don't want to look around first?

    This particular body is well broken in, yet still pretty strong. The right knuckles ache from punching people in the teeth. The right knee aches from landing on it, the left ribs and clavicle have all been broken, and there is extensive surface damage to the skin (tattoos and scars, oh my).

    There is a kidney sensitivity, water is crucial to performance, as is diet and moderation. The lungs are tarred in resin, but this a benefit when utilized correctly.

    This corpse needs to be pushed, or it gets slow and stiff. Be ready to be active for optimal performance.

    The brain is an interesting territory, fairly high functioning yet suffers from ADHD and delusions of grandeur, like most of us.
     
  14. Roxanne

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    Welcome to a lifetime of going to the doctor and having weird, unexplainable medical anomalies occur and then resolve for no reason that anyone can discern.

    You don't really get sick, but when you do, it's something weird, like shingles or West Nile.

    You are now the owner of a very high pain tolerance. This is because your muscles are super fucked up and hurt all the time, but you get used to it after a while. Getting punched mostly just tickles for some reason.

    Have fun!
     
  15. Dude

    Dude
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    Congrats on being the new owner of this Dude's body. Just a few things to keep in mind while you start getting used to your new digs:

    -You will notice that it rides a little higher than you're used to. This comes with all the benefits and drawbacks of height. Thankfully, does not have ridiculously large feet so buying shoes will not be a problem. Good luck with pants.
    -Possesses a ridiculous metabolism. Don't push it too hard, but you can get away with eating like shit from time to time.
    -This model is mid-college, so it has a high tolerance for alcohol. Runs well on tequila and whisky, stay away from rum or gin. Too much beer gives it stomach cramps.
    -Comes with a small history of sports injuries: several sprained ankles, two mild concussions.
    -Some minor exterior dings and scrapes
    -Torn asshole repaired 2011. Do not overstress. Possible future repairs required.
    -Balance, coordination, sensory and mental function all operate to high performance standards.
    -Allergic to Cats
     
  16. D26

    D26
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    You're the proud owner of a slightly-used body! A few things to know:

    --You will suffer kidney stones. They will be frequent. You can change your diet and exercise more, and even cut out most forms of calcium, but they won't go away! Drink a lot of water, it may help some, but they'll be persistent.
    --Drink all you want, and you won't ever get hung over. Your metabolism is awesome in this way. Even if you get sick the night before, you'll wake up feeling just fine. This is the biggest and best feature of this body!
    --Most medications will do fuck-all to help you with pain. Your metabolism sucks in this way. Advil? Tylenol? Might as well be taking a sugar pill. Unless it is the good stuff (i.e. morphine, codeine) don't expect results.
    --Slightly overweight, but can be corrected with adjusted diet. Only takes willpower. Note: Willpower will NOT be supplied by this body.
    --Migraines and stress headaches. Can be frequent, unless you sleep on a good mattress. Once a good mattress is used, these will be reduced significantly.
    --Your new eyes will be just bad enough that you can't see well without glasses, but not so bad that your glasses will be thick and annoying. You could try contact lenses, but this body has an astigmatism, as well as an involuntary reaction to anything coming near your eyes, a side effect of being stung in the eye by a bee at a young age.
    --Learn to use a razor to get rid of that Unibrow. You will hate it.
    --No tattoos, no piercings, minor scars on back of hand and leg (chemical burn and dog bite, respectively). Mostly empty canvas!
    --You will be unable to grow a beard. On the bright side, looks good with a 5 o'clock shadow, which can last for two days due to the fact that your facial hair grows so slowly.
     
  17. hooker

    hooker
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    Your tits are all over the internet.
     
  18. Bebe

    Bebe
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    Your new body comes from Irish, Scottish and German stock, so drink all you want, stay the fuck out of the sun, and enjoy your ability to reach things on the top shelf. You can't lift your right arm over your head and there's a metal rod holding your spine together, so take it easy if you plan on getting into extreme sports. Sorry about all the scars, hopefully you're not as clumsy as I was.
     
  19. Frank

    Frank
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    Basically this except you get to be six feet tall and white without the injury risk.

    Watch that metabolism though, shit can get out of hand if you get sloppy with the food. This body likes to run on meat and veggies so stay away from grains and processed food.
     
  20. PewPewPow

    PewPewPow
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    Wait, what?

    On topic: Congrats, you've inherited a perfectly good body. The two middle left-hand fingers are a knuckle shorter than the rest, but otherwise perfectly functional, hope you didn't have big dreams of being a guitarist. You will be a sweaty bastard despite minimal body hair, but this can be counteracted by bathing regularly and and using deodorant. Enjoy your new body, it hasn't seen a hospital in almost ten years.