I have AT&T Uverse, which is one of those TV-over-the-Internet services that combines Internet, Phone, and the equivalent of Cable TV. It's somewhat expensive but it's my only vice, and I have the top-tier package, which means I get all the pay channels: HBO, Showtime, Starz, Encore, The Movie Channel...and Cinemax. This is the first time I've had those channels. Sometimes there is a movie on I want to watch and so I will put it on in the background. I'm usually up working pretty late, so sometimes Hollywood Homicide will end and I won't be paying attention. And then five minutes later I'll look up from my work and HELLO SOFTCORE PORN! I've never really watched this sort of thing before; it's sort of like watching someone else eat ice cream to me. But the other night I just left it on and I learned lots of new things: If you are an attractive woman in your early 30s, the best thing you can do on your Caribbean vacation is impersonate a famous sex therapist who got waylaid. When you do that, "your" patients, an attractive couple in their 20s, will want to bone in front of you while you watch. Then, the guy will come to you and ask him to show you how to improve his technique, so you can have sex with him. Later, the girl will want to learn to improve her technique, and also experiment, and she will want to hook up with you, too. After both of them are feeling better about their sex lives, they will want to have a threesome with you out of gratitude. Finally, the waylaid sex therapist, also an attractive woman in her early 30s, will show up and, feeling repressed, need your services also. FOCUS: What have you learned from softcore pay-cable porn? ALT FOCUS: Softcore pay-cable porn was probably the first porn that many of you ever saw. Tell stories about how you and your deviant little friends used to go over to your latchkey friend's basement late at night to watch Skinemax.