Silly Billy Pilgrim, Weekend Drunk Thread 9/28/12-9/30/07

This is incredibly sappy, but I always thought the most anticipated part of wedding night sex was getting to call your new spouse by their new title before/during/after sex.

I don't see marriage as something I'll ever participate in, but I'd be lying if I said the thought of saying "Husband, let's fuck" wasn't appealing on a lot of levels.

 

Sorry dude, R. Kelly already wrote that song:

 

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

 

It isn't that it isn't romantic, it is that a wedding day is such a LONG day that by the time the wedding night rolls around, you are tired as hell. We wake up early to get ready, our ceremony was at noon, then pictures, reception at 4, we were there until 11 (including more pictures), and by the time we finally got to the hotel room, we were both dead tired. None of this takes into account that you usually don't get a lot of sleep the night before because of nerves, and when its time for that roll in the hay, we were stupidly tired. We called each other husband and wife, but it didn't matter because we were just silly tired.

 

Yup, that part totally rocks.

Apparently unlike everyone else here who is married, my wedding night was filled with nothing but passionate unicorns. I had a great wedding, a fantastic and fun reception, and a terrific night with my newly minted wife. We opened our cards together, talked, and then had fantastic sex while calling each other by various versions of Mr. and Mrs. {lastname}. Sure it was a long day, but we weren't exhausted or trashed, we'd made sure to eat (and had some cake in the room besides) and otherwise thoroughly enjoyed the entire process. All this while somehow managing to abstain from sex for a little while leading up to it all.

I get that people want to downplay almost everything romantic and sweet and be super pragmatic cynics all the time, but sometimes it's ok to just do something nice for your significant other, have a good day together, have some good sex, and then start a new part of your lives.

 

Nothing says romance like a trip to the justice of the peace, then a backseat romp in an Iroc-Z as a Faster Pussycat album jabs you in the ass. Waffle House only gave you an hour off and fuck you bitch 'dem left over pecan waffles are our supper. Because I's your provider and I love you like you're my first tractor.

 

It's funny that getting married in front 500 guests in a cathedral with a marble hall with ice sculptures and music by D.J. Adjective Letter Verb holds the same sway as being drunk off your ass in front of an Elvis impersonator.

One thing is for sure: you don't feel different the next day. I felt more along the lines of "I WANNA GO TO CUBA!!! OPEN THE ENVELOPES IN THAT FAGGY-ASS BIRDCAGE AND LET'S KICK ROCKS, WIFE!!!!"

 

Watching Cabin in the Woods. It's more amusing than I expected.

NSFW

 

It's half time in the Aussie Rules Football grand final, a day that stops the parts of the nation that don't follow rubgy.



I love the sleeveless vests and the hotpants, but the colours are just hideous.

 

I'd had four hours of sleep in the two nights preceding my wedding day, having stayed up to make programs, put together a slide show, and find music for the reception. I worked fifty-five hours the week of my wedding and made it to the rental store ten minutes before closing time on the day before to pick up AV equipment, then haul it home and lug it in the house so it wouldn't get swiped.

We made it to the venue at 6:00 AM the day of the wedding to set up the backup indoor space (it was fifty degrees that day, with scattered storms). I got done at about noon, drove back to the house looking like a bag of ass, and made it back in a half-hour dressed and ready for pictures.

I got back, drank, took pictures while drinking, drank, took family pictures while trying to hide the fact I'd been drinking, drank, set up the slide show and music while drinking, took pictures with my wife while she was asking me if I'd been drinking, drank, and made it through the ceremony and reception without doing anything terribly stupid because I'd been drinking.

After we got sent off we drove around the corner, waited for the guests to leave, then came back to clean up. I packed up the AV equipment, the gifts, the flowers everyone else didn't want, and sent my wife home while I went to the car wash to remove the penises my drunk groomsmen had painted on my truck while they begged me via text message to come out to the bar with them.

After I got home, and unloaded the gifts and AV equipment (because fuck the flowers), I got upstairs to find my wife of eight hours asleep on the bed, in her wedding dress, snoring like an asthmatic chain-smoker. I made it just long enough to log in to online banking and transfer money to avoid overdraft fees on the catering bill.

I woke up the next afternoon, fully dressed, with all the lights on and my phone blowing up with messages about all the stupid shit my friends had done overnight, such as using leftover marker pens to tag bars and random vehicles with penises or erroneously assuming strip clubs allowed unsolicited karaoke during performances for wedding parties.

Wedding night sex is overrated.

 

So this week is Korean Thanksgiving. No work, nothing open and gorgeous weather. We've been running around all morning, and now I'm watching Louie, which is fucking brilliant. The Girlfriend is reading book 1 of Game of Thrones and is simply unprepared for the misery to come. This is the start of a great weekend.

 

"I'd like to know your fucking name before I drink your breast milk", heard moments before a guy drank a few ounces of a new mom's lifeblood.

This is why I love my local pub.

 

Who knows a good site/client for downloading obscure albums. I'm going through my HD and filling in the gaps, using torrents and vuze for now but not quite getting everything.

 

Mmm, nothing like a horsemeat sammich to start the day.

Anyway, my wedding night involved a shitload of drinking, my wife making out with a bridesmaid, said bridesmaid offering a 3 way, we deciding to turn it down, and then passing out without sex.

Hell we didn't even have sex until 2 days after the wedding.

Granted, the morning after her dad asked "have you guys consumed the marriage?" in front of many people.

 

I dunno, Mrs. Casey is my mom, so there would be no arousal from calling my wife that while fucking.

 

I definitely wasn't assuming that you were going to call your new spouse by your last name. She has a last name of her own, doesn't she?*

Patriarchal wedding traditions generally don't give me warm fuzzies. But for some reason, the word "wife" in a wedding night context just...does. It seems sweet, really. All of those religious arguments in favor of waiting until your wedding night to have sex in order for there to be something "new" and "special" pale in comparison (for me, at least) to getting to make the switch from girlfriend/boyfriend/fiancé to husband/wife/beloved. That's meaningful.



*Only partially kidding, dude. But I'm not judging-- as long as she freely made the choice to take your last name, there's nothing terrible about that. It's just not an assumption I would ever make.

 

This. Being husband and wife and having that...exclusivity...was really cool. Even now, he changed my name in his phone to Wifey. He's The Husband. The religious aspect of sex isn't something that...ever...strikes me.
The emotional and intimate aspect of sex, however, does.

 

It loses meaning when you realize he is just a big fan of wifeysworld.com.

 

Plus who really wants to buy a car without test driving it first? I know that's a stupid cliche but I can't imagine marrying someone I hadn't lived with for a while first, let alone someone I hadn't ever had sex with. I feel like it's such an important part of getting to know someone that I would prefer to do before committing to forever. Boyfriend and I have been living together for a year and a half and we still aren't entirely ready to tie the knot.