Silly Billy Pilgrim, Weekend Drunk Thread 9/28/12-9/30/07

We did the same for 2 months prior. I think it's some psychological hangup related to the white dress and not being a virgin. As if 2-3 months of celibacy changes anything, but women get delusional over a lot of stuff.

 

Haven't you been married for a while? And, you can remember you had sex the Thursday before (and not the Friday, apparently) and we're weird? That must've been an awesome Thursday. Or, wait? Was that the first time y'all had sex? Because, that would be awesome to have waited that long, and then blow it two days before.

 

Fourteen years. And yes, I do remember it. It was the first time we'd had any time alone in about a week what with parents, friends, relatives, and in laws all over the place and all the other random shit going on and it was one of those frantic we have about 30 minutes goddammit let's do this thing right now kind of things.

Friday night she spent in a hotel with the maid of honor. Otherwise I would have done it then, too.

 

This sounds like a missed opportunity to me.

 

Hell at this point I can go another week no problem, the thing that irritates me is that no one can explain the reason behind it, saying "because everybody does it" is all I get from the old lady when I ask her.

I also just got a lecture on how her dress is most definitely NOT white, it's eggshell, so I should stop referring to it as white.

I can't want for this wedding shit to be over.

 

My girlfriend wanted to get “tighter”, so she did kegels, pilates, and abstained. All I got was blow jobs.

Celtic Fest this weekend. This will be my first time, but from stories my friends tell, it should be a good time. Hopefully the whiskey tent has a sawdust or straw floor, because I don’t intend to leave before I ruin it.

 

Are you complaining or bragging?

 

My wife wanted the 90 day no sex thing as well, we even discussed it with our therapist at the time. The therapist suggested that maybe I should not jack off during the 90 days as well as not stabbing guts, I quickly responded to the contrary.

I am not sure why women do it, I am of the opinion that it is whore logic in its purest form but it is just one of the things that I agreed to, it is what she wanted so that is what she got. I did see her point as we had only been dating for 6 years and getting there the first time was not a time consuming process.

A few people have mentioned this and they are right on, wedding night sex is for the most part unremarkable unless you have never been there before and even then it probably is.

 

My heart aches for you. It really does.

Hey, how about that. I googled "why do women stop having sex before marriage" and all the hits I got back were "why do women stop having sex after marriage". Oh, google, you know best.

 

She got the ring back in May and she wanted a Fall wedding. The thought of planning a wedding in four months was squashed, by me, because she would've probably exploded from the stress (not to mention our choice of venue would've been very limited--some places are already booked through June of 2014). This way, we were able to get the venue, DJ, officiant, and her dress out of the way with more than a year to spare.

Now we can sit back and coast a little bit, taking care of the little things every few weeks, and my involvement is limited to tasting food and cake, sealing envelopes, and eventually finding a suit that goes with whatever the color scheme will be.

 

I have written a fantastic song. And, by written, I mean I've come up with partial lyrics and tune. And by partial lyrics, I mean:

Take off all your clothes
And suck on my penis
We should do it, girl
'til the sun comes up

"penis" is sung like peee-nis. That's kind of what makes it. I mean, it's not "We Are The World" or anything, but it'll probably be top ten. That's all I've got so far, but once you nail the hook like that, the rest pretty much writes itself, right?

 

Sex, no sex. I don't care, but I'd doubt the girlfriend would get too flapped up at no sex anyway. The only real request that I've made in any type of wedding deal is that Wes Freed be commissioned for the invitations. For some reason, she doesn't see how a spooky woods nymph accurately reflects the vibe that we'd be going for. Fuck that noise.

 

This is the first time I've ever heard about the stopping having sex before marriage thing. But, judging from most of the wedding discussions on here, I know very very little about wedding traditions. It sounds really stupid to me. I don't get it.

In other news, I just noticed what look like Wolverine scratches down the back of one of my legs. I'm a little mad because I was wearing a really awesome outfit today and gee whiz is there nothing that ruins a look more than gushing blood. (The color did kind of match my shoes, though.) This is one of many mystery wounds that I've gotten over the past week or so, so the conclusion that I have come to is that I am possessed by a demon.

 

It's not Zulu, is it? One of my favorite Bill Murray quotes: "I make it a rule never to get involved with possessed people."

 

I think girls withold sex before the wedding because they think it's going to be more magical and romantic than usual. Like you've been walking around fully torqued for months before the wedding, then you see her in the white dress and BAM! You have to spend hours making sweet, sweet love to her in front of a fireplace or on the beach or some shit like that.

On a strange note, a little while ago I opened the front door to take the dog out and found an unmarked box full of Girls Gone Wild DVDs on my welcome mat. A young guy has been moving in across the hall for a couple of days, so assuming they were his, I scooted them over to his door with my foot, knocked and left. When I came back, they were gone, so either I returned them to their rightful owner, or I just gave that guy a great house warming present.

 

Speaking of wedding night sex, by the time I got that damn gown off her I was exhausted. 115 satin bead buttons with satin hoops. Not exactly romantic or arousing.

Empty nest tonight as our youngest is off to a slumber party. I can get used to this. We'll actually get to watch Fringe and Strike Back on the new TV and have sex on the new sectional. If we can stay awake. Viagra with a Geritol chaser!

 

The wife and I didn't do that "withhold sex before the wedding" thing. It came up, lasted about a week, and then it quickly went away.

Our wedding night, we were in a room that we hadn't seen beforehand. It was chosen by my in-laws. They neglected to look at the room, too. They just told us it had a hot tub.

Few things. First, there was a mirror above the bed, which is always a signal of a classy place. Then, there was indeed a very nice hot tub. Of course, it was filled with the tap water... in this case, foul smelling (it had the faint smell of rotten eggs/sulfer) well water, that we masked fairly well, but not completely, with a lot of scented soaps. I was trashed by the time we got to the room, and my wife was pissed because she barely got to eat anything, and didn't even get a piece of her own wedding cake. She is not a happy person when she hasn't eaten. Luckily, she was sober enough to drive to the nearby McDonalds to get some food.

By the time we finally got around to having sex, it wasn't even the best sex we had that week. We were both tired it felt more like "we have to do this" than "Yay! Sex!"

 

Spoiler

 

So many fools are under the impression that it's all candles and heated passion and unicorns farting out Portishead songs, but it's not. It's just another roll in the hay, really. What, you were saving some sort of special unrevealed moves for him/her until this moment? Yeah, right. Wham, bam, let's watch the highlights.

 

Actually, it's more of a guideline than a rule...