Three years ago on Halloween weekend me and some friends went to a Flogging Molly concert. We decided to go in our costumes since we thought others would be dressed up also. I am a big guy and I was wearing a full body plumbers costume that had even more padding to make me look even fatter. We did a little drinking before starting on our 25 mile journey. About....1 mile in I had to take a piss in the worst way. My dick friends refused to stop so I was forced to hold it all the way there. When we got there I bolted out of the vehicle and into the woods and proceeded to fall into some man made concrete stream that was covered by tall grass. I smashed my knee on the concrete, was covered in mud and pissed myself. I still went into the concert all muddy, piss down my pants leg and with a severe limp all while in a ridiculous costume. No one really said anything. I suspect it just enhanced my costume. Turns out we were the only ones with costumes also. I missed a week or two of work from the knee. My shit story was while I was snowmobiling. I don't own a snowmobile anymore but when I did I rode with some hardcore riders who barely ever stopped. Anyways, we ate at some restraunt and a half hour or so later my stomach started growling and I soon had to shit. We came to a section of moguls[series of bumps] on the trails and my clenched cheeks failed me. I shit myself and had to wait probably 45 minutes before we stopped. My boxer-briefs, thermal underwear, pants, and snow pants were covered in cold slimy poo. I cleaned them out the best I could with snow and rode the rest of the day, I threw all of it away and bought new stuff for the rest of the trip. Not my story, but at a party I had a friend pass out on a couch and then another friend pass out on top of him and the guy on top pissed on both of them.
Were they pulling you on a tobaggon or did God just not grant you the good sense to stop, shit, and catch up once you dropped your load? If I'm in control of the vehicle you damn well better believe it's going to stop if I'm about to shit myself. I've been left many times snowmobiling while I shit, pissed, masturbated (Don't ask), ate some trail mix or downed some anti freeze (AKA booze.) If I'm going to shit myself you better believe I'm pulling over in the middle of nowhere and catching up with the others later. That whole scenario blows my mind...I'm about to shit my britches but I don't want to be left behind. Fuck it, I'll just shit myself. What. The. Fuck. Focus: Thankfully this didn't happen to me but a really stupid friend of mine. We were out drinking one night when we were teenagers and he had to shit. We stopped and let him go because quite frankly we didn't want the car stinking of poo if and when he crapped himself. He climbed back in after a few minutes and we resumed normal teenage activities...drinking, giving each other shit, and trying to pick up girls. After a while he was shifting uncomfortably in his seat, but I was paying little mind to that as I had a cute girl under my arm. Soon he was bouncing up and down and I was thinking what in God's name is wrong with him? He's been acting strange ever since we let him out to shit. He finally blurted out "What the fuck is that pink stuff they put in walls when they're building houses?" Yep. The idiot had wiped his ass with insulation without realizing what it was.
I guess I could have clarified better. I knew it was coming, but I got "suprised" by it while hoping our group stopped. If I knew I had to pull over or burst, I'd have pulled over.
So instead you decided to ride another 45 minutes with your pants full of shit? If I'm about to soil myself I'm gong to scream like a banshee that I need to stop right fucking now. If they don't stop, fuck 'em. I sure as hell am going to stop and save my panties. Dude, that's not normal.
Many years ago after drinking enough to be really drunk and needing nothing more I got stoned instead. Then I had to shit so I went to the bathroom and plopped down for some smooth poopin'. At some point I realized I was gonna be sick and rather than stand up and turn around I simply spread my legs and threw up all over my dick and feet. After some time, my buddy came to check on me and found me slumped up on the tank in a half doze. I came around and because he was laughing at me I wiped the dribbling ooze from my mouth and sneered, "What are you lookin' at? Haven't you ever even seen anyone take a shit before, asshole?"
As a kid I was a raging crackhead for cartoons. One Saturday morning I was watching Scooby Doo and slurping up cereal contented one minute, but then pinching my penis shut in pain while marching in place the next. I waited for commercials, but finally couldn't take it anymore. We'd just moved into that house and the bathroom was all the way in back. I knew I couldn't make it and started leaking as I ran. That's when I saw the big vent in the floor over in the corner. I ran up, dropped my shorts and pissed violently into the grates. Instant relief washed over me as I emptied my bladder. Soon the stench of burning pee hit me and nearly made me hurl. Then smoke poured out and filled the hallway. It was like I’d unlocked the gates of Hell with my tiny penis. I couldn't think of anything to do but drag a throw rug over the vent. Luckily my mom hadn't come home the night before so I was alone in the house. I went out back and played with the dog until the smoke cleared. Then I went in and watched more cartoons. The awful smell lasted a long time. I never peed on the heater again.
I just finished dinner with a buddy at a Malaysian restaurant. We got some pretty interesting, creme-heavy, spicy dishes. I never having that food and liking spicy and fat food thought this was a wonderful idea. About an hour later, I decided to go to another friend's place (to procure some greenery), 15 minutes away, a few exists down the highway. My stomach was already not feeling all that right from dinner and tried to drop a deuce before leaving -- to no avail. OK, no problem. I am sure it was just a false alarm. I get in the car and hop on the highway. Already, I am thinking, well I will be happy to get to the next spot with a bathroom. Traffic hits, and I am starting to sweat. I am literally tensing every muscle in my body. I finally get off the freeway and realize it is less then 10 minutes to my destination. However, my bowels are thinking they have no time. I quickly pull into the ARCO gas station and demand of the attendant: "Where is the bathroom?" After being told they don't have one (or it is out of order, or whatever, I can't fucking think straight), I bless a diety that there is a Shell across the busy street. I bolt there and ask my new-turban-friend behind the counter, "Please, bathroom, where is the key?" He slowly plods behind the counter and hands me a key attached to some car part rod. I literally bolt with the key, as if it is the baton from the 1000m relay in the olympics, and run into the bathroom while un-buckling the belt, and then pulling the pants down once I open the door. The door slams behind me and it is darkness. DARKNESS. I can't see a fucking thing and there is no light switch. I crack open the door for light and the switch is just missing, gone, nothing to allow me to turn the light on. Meanwhile, I have my pants and boxers down to my knees. I try to do a visual to see where the toilet is and let the door close and run over. I am not even close. But this is the greatest relief I have ever felt. Up to know, I felt like a greek wedding throwing plates in my abdomen trying to shove that down my colon. It was just a pure release. At first I am horrified that I am in a Shell station, in pitch black, barely on the toilet taking care of dirty, dirty, business. Then I think, fuck it. What's done is done. I need more time to clear everything out. When I am done, I crack the door open again to see what happened. It is like a shit-bomb literally went off in that room. Somehow, it is on the walls, the floor, all over the bowl, and on my thighs. I just grab grips of paper towels and wet them down and clean myself. Eventually, I clean myself (completely neglecting the war-zone around me) and can leave. But shit (literally), how do I get the key back and get to my car across the street? I just leave the key on the trash can outside the bathroom and pull my best Usian Bolt/Frogger imitation across the street, hop in my car, and get to my friends place to fulfill the original goal. I get there, use the bathroom to check for collateral damage and confess what just happened. My body feels like it has just done the 100 minute ab workout, and I still feel weak from what just happened. My friend says, well I am going to this bar, you should come. I decline so I can go home, shower, and sleep off this nightmare. Of course, he tells me the nest day that on the way to the bar, he drove by the Shell station and saw a very, very sad looking man in a turban hosing down the bathroom with just brown water coming out.
Piss story My senior year of high school, I joined the wrestling team and we were due for a hydration test which is used to make sure we have not been dehydrating ourselves to make weight. Coaches were basically scaring us into drinking as much water as possible or we would fail and wouldn't be able to compete. We were also told to hold it in during the day and abstain from peeing until the test. So over the course of that day, I drank what seemed like a full bucket of water and was anxious to pee but rationalized that I would only need to hold it for the 10 minutes it takes to get to the testing site which was at a rival high school. During the drive there, my bladder began to scream at me through painful convulsions in my pelvic area. The rest of my team had also over-drank themselves and when we pulled into the parking lot, we all made a mad dash for what we expected would be a multitude of rooms full of toilets and plastic cups in which we could release our golden rivers. Boy were we wrong. The test was located in a room that was a part of the school's gymnasium and a long single file line of wrestlers from three other schools led to one testing room where the guy at the front of the line went in every 5 minutes. taking 3 minutes to take measurements and then another minute or so to piss in a cup and finish off in the only bathroom. We raced/shuffled to the back of the line and waited. After 15 minutes we had moved all of 7 feet and were still nowhere near the halfway point. 10 minutes later we had moved 5 feet and one of my teammates had pissed himself and I had the honor of standing right behind him in line. I tried thinking of a hot girl to get my mind off the 5 pound weight hanging from my ballsack but the smell of urine and being surrounded by 40 groaning wrestling dudes completely shut down my boner operating system. Another 10 minutes and the weight on my balls increased to 10 pounds, I was ready to explode. I ran past my coach who would have objected and crashed through the gym door to find another bathroom on campus. I frantically asked a passerby where the closest men's room was. He told me it was "over there" and pointed in the direction. With no time to ask for specifics I hopped towards where he had pointed and looked around. No bathroom in sight. fuck! I couldn't wait any longer. I faced the nearest wall, dropped my pants all the way down to the ankles kindergarten style and pissed for a good 45 seconds. While midstream, the 7th period bell rang. I looked around and saw that it was too late. In my rush to open the dam, I had chosen a wall which was located between two classrooms, both of which now had 25 high school kids escaping from their prisons of late afternoon learning. Sadly, I couldn't stop, try drinking 12 beers/bottles of water and stopping yourself midstream, yeah it wasn't gonna happen. I didnt make eye contact with anyone but most of what I remember hearing was "dude! what the hell!" from guys and "ewww gross!" from the girls. The fucked up part was that after nearly a minute of pissing heaven and dodging a bunch of gaping onlookers, I was able to get back in line and fill up a cup for my hydration test. I told my coach about it and at first he didnt believe me but at practice the next week he came up to me and told me that the coach from the other school had heard about it from a bunch of kids in his P.E class and that I was a "fuckin doofus". Practice was quite different from then on.
This isn't about me, it is about my brother. Every Halloween weekend there is a massive party with my family who are a bunch of alcoholics. My brother dressed up one year as a baby, complete with a diaper. He had his girlfriend with him and he got ridiculously wasted, beyond anything I had ever seen from him before. This is a guy who went to Chico and dropped out after two years, so you know he did his fair share of partying. He went to sleep earlier [or passed out, really] and we all drank a little more. When his girlfriend went to go to bed, I heard a ton of laughter coming from the room. She came out and alerted all of us, "[Mex's bro] pissed the bed! You hafta come see this, its priceless with the baby outfit!" Yes, there was my brother passed out face first still in his diaper with piss all over the sheets. Many pictures of this exist and my brother is involved in politics, so I told him if he ever gets me angry I will use these pictures for a smear campaign against him.
Many years ago I was going to spend a week with my then girlfriend at her parents place. My parents very kindly drove me to the train station, and all was good. Well, except for the fact that I suffer from IBS and had the night before downed many pints of filthy, filthy real ale-I'm not stretching the truth when I say that my bowels felt like they were filled with swamp water and broken glass. No problem thinks I-I'll leave the 'rents to buy my ticket while I seek out a sturdy throne on which I can unleash hell. But no-it was not to be. This train station had no crappers. Why? Apparently they'd been removed because they'd become a knocking shop for gentlemen who prefer the company of other gentlemen. So, there's me left with the horrible realisation that I am about to shit myself and there is nothing I can do about it. I dutifully fill my pants with liquid death, board the train and spend 20 minutes cleaning myself up. I'm such a winner.
stage freight For those fellow collegiate athletes, you might be able to relate. My senior year of college, we were playing in the regional baseball tournament. I had to pee since the 4th inning, and we were approaching the 10th. I decided it was time to make a run for the pisser. We lost the game that inning. While I was getting undressed, an NCAA employee walked up to me and said that I needed to get randomly drug tested. We went to the facility a block from the stadium. Please remember, I had just pissed, sweated my balls off, and drank very little water. My system was out of fluids... We get into the facility, and this dude says "Ok, when you get into the bathroom, I need to see you actually piss into the cup." I thought, ok, he'll be watching me from behind. No. When I tried to go in there, he was facing me, down on his knees, his face 1 foot from my junk, while I'm trying to piss. I thought he wanted to suck me off or get a golden shower. So 10 minutes (not even close to exaggerating) later, he says "maybe we should take a break, get some fluids, and try this again." We try to do it again, he advised me to get naked, so I did. Didn't work. Turned the water on. Didn't work. He had me sit on the toilet while he left the room so I could privately piss into the cup, and call his name when I was going. Finally, 45 minutes later (again, no exaggeration) I was able to muster up enough piss for the test. When I got back to the hotel, the entire team was sitting in the restaurant (10:45pm) waiting to eat. Our coach just said "come on, we're not going to eat without you." They had been waiting for almost an hour to eat.
One of my favorite Craigslist posts ever: I know exactly what you mean My girl and I went to this Mexican restraunt the other day man did we get sick. About 15 minutes after we ate my gut started churning' my ass started bubbling I knew we were in trouble. On the way home my girl started feeling the same way. We is driving down E14th headed back home and my girl said she had to shit. I told her to hold it we be home soon. She started farting smelt real bad too. My stomach is still rolling. My girl tells me baby I cant hold it I'm gonna shit. I again told her to hang on we be home soon. All of a sudden I could feel the gas building in my ass. I ripped one that smelt so bad my girl threw up all in my cadillac. I was yelling at her to stop and here it comes. Shit blows out of my ass like a pressure hose. Here we are my girl is barfing I am shitting in my car. The smell was fucking terrible. I can feel the shit soaking through my pants onto the velour seats. The dash and floorboard on my girls side was covered in vomit. I pulled over as fast as I could. Got out of the car and I could feel the shit running down my leg onto my Nikes. We are still 4 miles from home in stop and go traffic. My girl tells me she has to shit right now. I said hold on girl wait till we get home. She says she cant and starts running for a fence. as she is running here comes shit blowing out of her ass and all she is wearing is a sundress. Shit is blowing everywhere. So here we both are covered in shit. My cad is covered with shit and throwup. Does it get worse yes it does. Here comes The cops. Two get out of the car looked in my car first and said what the fuck happened here. I walked over to them covered in shit my girl walks over covered in shit. They both step back because we smell so bad. We told them what happened they just laughed and asked for our ID. I reached back into my wallet (soaked in shit) and pulled out my licence. My girl had no ID. Fuck me if I didn't have a warrant and my girl has one to. My gut is really gurguling at this point but I'm holding it. They put their gloves on and handcuffed both of us. Now we are in the back of the car. My stomach is really fucked by now and I think I'm gonna throw up. My girl say she has to barf to. I am banging on the window trying to get there attention . they are ignoring us I can here them talking shit about us and laughing. Talking about who has the most seniority and who is going.. to have to clean up the mess . I am frantically trying to get there attention and they act like they dont hear us. All of a sudden my shit is comming up I threw up all over the screen and the floorboard. My girl smelt my vile barf and it made her blow her shit again. All over the fucking back. Now them fuckers come over and they are pissed. I told them I was yelling for them they just ignored me. Now comes the tow truck guy. Off goes the car fuck. We went to jail and they hosed us off out in the parking lot of the jail. We were in jail for three days. We went to the tow yard to pick up my car in the hot sun windows up covered with shit and barf for three days. Do i need to say more. So I don't pitty you for getting the runs from dennys it could have been worse. I dare you not to laugh at both the style and content of that post.
Several years ago I was showing off a compound bow I got for Christmas to my extended family. I knew I had a shit coming but thought it was an hour or two away so I wasn't too concerned. I'll be damned that the second I drew that bow I loaded my trousers.