The bidet is the greatest bathroom technology ever created. It's just incomplete. It needs a seat in order to finally realize its true potential.
The bidet is the fucking greatest (although in fairness its close relative the "little showerhead thingy attached to the toilet" probably has it beat in terms of practicality). I can only assume that people ragging on it are baffled about how to use it correctly. You're supposed to wipe with paper FIRST, then let the jet do its business, lather up with soap, and clean up. And since most people would have no problem with jumping in the shower after a particularly messy dump, I really don't see how they can then claim the bidet is the grossest cesspit known to man, given that it achieves the exact same effect but without having your diluted shit running down your legs. Also, I know that baby wipes are pretty decent in that regard but if you're a girl, having a bidet is a wondrous thing. Imagine cleaning out your vagina with fresh running water and soap every time you take a leak. There'd be a lot more non-fishy vaginas around if the bidet were a worldwide phenomenon is what I'm saying.
Going with this theme, when I was in high school, I had an assignment where I had to write an ad for a new product. This is what I wrote for some childrens' sleepwear I was supposed to shill for: What do we care about more than children? Nothing. Everyone loves children. So wouldn't you want to keep your kids safe? Everyone knows that if there is a fire in your baby's crib (you know how kids love matches!), so-called "fire retardant" sleepwear is only a temporary solution; putting a "Band-Aid" on the problem, so to speak. If you want real safety and peace of mind, you would have to be bonkers to not get Flame-On! (TM) asbestos pajamas for your tot. Asbestos is all natural, occurring naturally in nature. And best of all, it's 100% fire-proof! Rigorous research and development went into the making of Flame-On! (TM) asbestos pajamas. In one test, a 4-month old baby was dressed in Flame-On! (TM) pajamas, then sprayed with gasoline and set ablaze. The baby came through with no surface burns!* So if you hate your baby, and want it to die a horrifically painful death, get them some other kind of pajamas. But if you love your baby, and want it to live forever, get them Flame-On! (TM) asbestos pajamas today! *The baby came through without skin burns, but was cooked alive by the heat.
I was tempted to say that these things shouldn't exist to provide incentive for fatties to lose weight, but then I realized that we'd just be punishing ourselves. If someone is so fat they can't even wipe their own ass without an extension wand, they probably have enough disregard for health and hygiene to eschew ass-wiping altogether. Can you imagine how much worse that seat next to the great big fat person on the airplane could be?
They have just started coming out with vibrating bracelets that function as an alarm clock. I want to do that, plus put an rfid (I think that's the term) chip in one, so that it will only stop vibrating once you walk into the bathroom. Or maybe your coffee pot or whatever. That way you actually have to get your ass out of bed before it shuts off. Another golden idea, plastic that can stick onto linoleum and toilets, but be peeled off easily after it gets too dirty. Parents with boys would shit out gold for a product like that.
Do you then expand the line to have "cummins" and "muffins" Muffins could be for post sex, and the periodicals. Then you add in tiny little washing machines and dryers that stay in the bathroom and you put the shittens through a cycle when done.