From guavo on the Funny Sites thread: "One of the few useful thing on twitter: http://twitter.com/Shitmydadsays [Examples]: Son, people will always try and fuck you. Don't waste your life planning for a fucking, just be alert when your pants are down. That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them. Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later that it's because it fucked you." Focus: 'Shit My Dad Says' is a goldmine of comedy. Find and post your favorites. Focus, Jr.: Just about everyone has that relative (dad, grandfather, crazy aunt, etc.) who's regularly says hilarious things. What are some of the funniest things you've heard from such people in your family?
After my Dad has a heart attack a few years ago, I asked him what it felt like. His response was, "Well, it's just like having on nipple clamps. Only on the INSIDE..." Oh. Okay.
Anything about the dog is tops for me: http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays/status/3559450008 http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays/status/3386785735
My mom on a past relationship that went sour: "Son, she is trying to tell you one thing: RUN FOR THE FUCKING HILLS."
My dad is pretty funny when he wants to be, but it's usually very subtle and doesn't translate well into text or in a rehashed story, save two awesome examples. "Having kids really changes your life, to have something so dependant. It's a lot of responsibility, especially when they can't talk. Hell, I didn't even like you until you were seven or eight." "Boys and girls are different. You could always tell when your sister's diaper was dirty. She'd make a face, fast. You didn't care. You'd walk around with a mess all day if you could. If we would have had your sister first, we would have thought you were retarded!" Thanks, dad.
My all-time favorite. I wonder how long it's going to take for a screenwriter to drop one of his lines into a movie, it's only a matter of time.
Whenever I asked my buddy's grandpa how he was he'd always respond with, "as long as they keep makin good bourbon, I'll be okay." Wisdom in those words
Not Dad but my Mom. Crowded resturant, my Aunts bday dinner, several family members at the table, heat up too high, me in a sweater turtleneck so hot I couldn't eat my dinner. "Honey are you feeling ok?" "No Mom it's way too hot in here. My stomach is upset." "I began hot flashes when I was about your age. Maybe it's that." And with that she went right back to chatting with the others and eating her dinner. I just sat there blinking. Not funny to me in the least but, my friends seem to think it's fucking hysterical.
My grandpa's age old way of curing chapped lips passed down to me when i was around 7: Me: Grandpa, how do you keep your lips from getting chapped? Him: All that chapstick crap is for girls, you're a boy, you can't use that. You have to have the willpower to keep from licking your lips all the time. Me: But that's really hard though. I lick them because they're chapped and they're chapped because I lick them. Him: Well here's how you stop licking them. You see Goldie over there (points to his horse). Go over there and stick your finger up her butt then take your finger and rub your lips. I promise you'll never lick them again. I ended up just using chapstick.
My dad was always a man of few words. A few gems though: At one time he let my grandpa store his Airstream Camper (silver, baked potato looking things) in the back yard. I was 16 or so at the time, huge pot head, and mostly played guitar and drank stolen beer from Winn Dixie. Well, I decided to set up shop in the Airstream. I moved all my guitars and amps out there, ran cable from the house to the television inside the camper, and basically turned it into my own little house. It had a fold out bed, little refrigerator, and toliet/ shower; shit was boss. All my friends start hanging out there, getting drunk and high, they bring their amps out there and we'd jam and stuff. Well, my dad is a very light sleeper and on more than one occasion he would waddle out there in his underwear and wife beater muscle shirt to yell at us to "QUIT PLAYING THAT GODDAMN DEVIL ROCK. BUNCH OF FUCKIN' DOPERS!!" Not that funny written out, but hilarious if you were there. Another time he had just gotten a colonoscopy and, apparently, was very proud of how clean his insides were. At a family bbq he and my stepmom were passing around the pictures taken inside his shit track. When they handed it to me I spit my food all over the place and asked "Jesus, what the hell is wrong with you people?". My dad looked at me like I was the freak for not wanting to check out his asshole pictures.
After his prostate exam: "I don't get how those gay guys get such a kick out having a big dick stuck up there."
When I was young, and procrastinating a job I had to do, I said something like "I wish it would just do itself.." Dad says: "Tell you what, go wish in one hand and take a shit in the other, and tell me which one fills up faster. Nothing ever gets done by wishing."
Focus Jr: This is what my dad wrote on my uncle's 55th birthday card (my dad is in his 60s, uncle is mom's brother): "Dear Ed, Hope the next ten years are better for you than the last ten were for me" He was alluding to his arthritic knees/getting old, and (allegedly) not how terrible it is being around my uncle's sister. Focus: "Fucking Radio Shack. It's a wonder they even know how to use a bathroom and don't just walk around all day with shit in their pants."
"Just pay the parking ticket. Don't be so outraged. You're not a freedom fighter in the civil rights movement. You double parked." My dad said something along the same lines when I got my first speeding ticket. Always makes me. Can't wait for the book to come out.
"Don't forget to put on your rain boots and galoshes!" - My uncle referring to don't forget to rubber up whenever I left the house to go meet up with a girl and he was around.
I just thought of another one from around this time. After his heart attack, my dad's doctor told him he needed to watch his weight and keep his blood sugar regulated. So he went full force with diet and exercise, and he got a white board where he could track his numbers. On the board he had written "RSD" with some number, and "PFS" with some other number. We didn't know what the hell it meant, so we asked him. Come to find out, "PFS" was really his blood sugar level, as in "Pure Fucking Sweetness". And "RSD" was really his weight, as in "230 lbs. of Rompin Stompin Dynamite". To this day, I still ask my Dad how his PFS and his RSD are doing, like they're real measurements.
On Happiness: "Son, one day you'll find out that there's nothin' left to do but drink." On Safe Sex: "Better tarp that load, trucker!"
Once during a heavy workout kick my father explained to my entire family that he no longer had to shower. He explained this over dinner, in a restaurant, citing the fact that he had been sweating so much from his workouts that it was actually cleansing his body thus eliminating his need to shower.