I'm pretty sure I've broken my dick before (dislocated? fractured? bent? what do you call it?). About two years ago, I was pumping away like a jackhammer -- my go-to, and only, move -- when El Predator came out of her va-jayjay without me knowing it and I rammed it into that area between the vagina and the asshole. Turns out there is either a bone behind that no-go zone, or at least no fat to allow for "give," because the moment I hit that spot it felt like my dick was one of those crash-test dummies on a pneumatic sled going into a concrete wall. Unfortunately, no airbags were deployed. I immediately rolled off the bed and onto the floor, as if putting physical distance between my cock and the twitter (halfway between twat and shitter?) would somehow make it throb less. I'm pretty sure I could feel the internal bleeding at that point. While I was writhing in pain and praying to any god I thought might listen, my wife was whining about "you hurt me" and "it feels like you hit me with your dick." I didn't care though, because it was already turning dark blue. I have a learned fear of going to the hospital (thanks, PTSD!), and I'm sure one day this will do me in. And I really should have gone in this instance. Over about two weeks my dick went from your standard, deep blue-and-green bruise around the shaft, to that spreading to the rest of the sack and onto my stomach, to swelling, to being afraid to piss because it felt like I was streaming shards of glass out my urethra with a garden hose. I'm better now, and my dick still works in case you were wondering. But that day, was definitely not my day. It was like my wife and I had sex on the wrong side of the bed. Focus: Sexual mishaps, unexpected encounters in bed, bad performance days, etc.. We aren't here to judge or laugh at you, just with you. Tell your story and laugh with ours.
I certainly have a few mishaps, but I'll get to them later. Bump. ing Uglies. Haha. Get it? Yeah, I know, fuck off.
My girlfriend spent the summer before our senior year of college interning with a firm in town. She had a Friday off and as I happened to be over in her part of town with my job and invited me to stop by her place for lunch that day. Before I left she offered me a quick blowjob... how could I turn that down? She sat me down in a chair and it didn't take long for me to cum. I let her know in advance but came a little harder than expected, and she started choking on my load. Meanwhile she thrust my dick forward and this meant I blew the rest of my load all over the shirt I was wearing, with minutes left before I needed to be on the road. Thankfully it was just a t-shirt but I still had to do something fast. This meant soaking half of it in water and attempting to blot it dry with a towel. It got the cum off but was still wet, so I had to go back to work looking like I'd dumped a bottle of water on myself. I was saved when my boss called as I was en-route and said they needed help in the brickyard, so rather than see me in the office it looked like I was just sweating from working outside when he stopped by the yard later. We refer to it as the "blowjob incident" today. The moral of the story: Dicks are like guns, you gotta be careful where you aim them.
I had some serious performance issues with my first gf. Completely mentally induced, but infuriating nonetheless. I had no issues when losing my virginity, but subsequent attempts for the next couple weeks had me pushing rope more than I would have liked and her getting frustrated and taking it personally. I got over it and we proceeded to fuck like rabbits as 18 year olds do, but it wasn't pleasant for awhile. More recently, I had a girl I was hooking up with over for the evening and we decided it would be a great idea for her to sit on my face. So I slide down on the bed a bit, and she was, i suppose, climbing up and her knee slipped off the side of the bed and she began to topple over. Seeing her headed for the corner or my desk, I shot a hand out, and essentially stiff armed her in the face. She bounced off my chair and was sort of dazed, and definitely had half a handprint on the side of her face, but that beats the hell out of smashing into the sharp corner of a metal and wood desk. And in case you are wondering, yes, we still had sex. CAN'T HOLD ME DOWN
How big was the strap-on that he made you wear? One time I banged my girlfriend in the shower while she was on her period and got poop, blood, and jizz everywhere. Worst porridge ever. Another time I tickled a girls clit and she kicked me in the FUPA (when I had one and whatever the male equivalent is) Also I orgasmed into my ex's moms cloth dinner napkin and forgot about it.
I think I've mentioned this before on here but when I was living back home, I was sleeping with this trashy thing that I used to work at the restaurant with. She was fun but stupid as shit and thus tended me super annoying. Anyhow, one night after we were out drinking, we went back home to have sex. We were doing doggy style when I leaned forward over her back and placed a leg in front to get more leverage. In her drunken and messy throws of passion, or whatever, she snapped her head back into my forehead and knocked me out cold midthrust. All I remember was a bright flash and I was laying on my side, boner gone. She got all disappointed when I wasn't able to continue on. I was living at home at the time, so the welt on my face was hard to explain.
Yeah. They call it a fractured penis. I know this because one time, about 20 years ago, I was in the ER being told that's what happened to me. I was with my ex-wife when we had just started dating. I was back home from college for the weekend. Fast aggressive doggy-style sex. The kind of speed only young people bother with because they don't know any better. One time we went just a little too far and I popped out and *bam* right into the area ROT described. I think. Oddly enough it didn't really hurt me or her. I mean, a little I suppose, but no big deal so I just slipped it back in and we started again. After a few thrusts, though, I could feel that something was off. So I went into the bathroom, turned the light on, and was immediately put into a panic by the sight of my dick. I looked like it had a blood blister forming along the top of the shaft. Growing. It still didn't hurt, but it felt damn uncomfortable. So I did the only thing my body could think of doing after viewing that. I turned to the toilet and threw up. My wife to be comes running in upon hearing me, asking what was wrong, and when I was done I stand up to show her soliciting an "Oh my god!" like she'd just seen a baby get tossed into a wood chipper. Evidently barfing helped me get out of my shocked state, because I immediately asker her "Ambulance or can you drive?" She could drive. I'm not big on doctors or emergency rooms, but when it comes to my schlong rapidly turning into an inflating blood sausage, there was no question in my mind...Emergency Room. Now. So me at 20 years old and my ex at 18 haul our asses into the Emergency Room around 11pm. When asked what was wrong I simply said there was something wrong with my penis, which to their credit they took seriously and quickly admitted me. Naturally the entire staff was female at the time which made me feel wonderful, but the doctor came in, looked at it, felt around and told me what was up. The swelling had stopped by that time, but there was still a bit of noticeable pressure there. I was told this wasn't very uncommon, although in her experience it was often cause by vigorous masturbation. I thought that was pretty funny because a guy would have to be cranking it pretty hard to... Yeah, yeah, pot/kettle I know, fuck you. Anyway, she says there isn't much they can do, as it'll heal on it's own. I'll have bruising in that whole area for a couple weeks or more, so don’t worry if I still see some coloration even after a few weeks. Tonight, they'll just put a catheter in till we know no further swelling will occur and I can have it removed in about a week, okay thanks bye. Wait...what? A what? Where? This is the first time I'd ever even heard of the sadistic torture device known as the Foley Catheter. I asked her to explain more of what was going to happen. She did. I disagreed. I started to bargain. "Let's go into the bathroom right now, you can watch me, I'll go and there will be no need for this". She informed me that swelling can increase and decrease over the next couple days as the healing process is taking place and if my urethra gets pinched closed and I cannot pee there will be much bigger problems to face. I relented. Now I was really nervous. The guy (thanks goodness, sort of) who came in to do it looked like one of the guys from ZZ Top. I flat out asked him "how bad is this going to hurt?" "Let me see it." I flipped up the covers and showed him. He winced. Shit. "It's going to hurt like hell, sorry." And it DID. Who knows, maybe I actually had been in pain till that point, and I just don't remember. Mostly because nothing compared to the pain of him shoving that fire-hose like tube up my dick. That was awful. And I had to leave it in for a week. A week. That too was awful. Fortunately they gave me pain medication that I took religiously so I don't remember much of it. Small blessings. The only upside of that whole experience was I was still on my parent's health insurance, and for some reason I'm still not clear about, they needed to be called in to the hospital. So after all was said and done, in walks my mom and dad. That was neat. So I got to tell them all about what happened. This was the first time my girlfriend met my parents, so that too was pleasant and not awkward as fuck. All in all everything was fine, though. It healed well and has worked like a champ with no other fractures or complications since.
I was having sex (yes, really) with a girl (yes, really) doggie style. She was quite vocal. Anyway, we're doing our thing, and she says 'pull out and come on my back.' Ok, I'm an amenable sort. So the moment arrives, I pull out, and I come on her back. At least I thought I did. She asks 'did you finish?' I said 'Of course.' She says: "Well, where'd the goo go?" We turn on the lights. No VI goo anywhere. I checked her back (first place I looked!), her hair, her entire body. The bed, the sheets, the carpet, the opposing wall (that seemed quite a stretch). Never found the goo. Thank God my clothes were on the other side of the bed.
This doggy-style talk reminds me of what my buddy told me the other day. He recently had a brief fling with this girl who, while she only wanted to hook up, she never sucked dick and said doggy-style was "out of the question." How fucked up is that? I don't wanna push my luck, but for all the internet dating I've done, I wish I had more funny/crazy stories, both about hooking up and the girls themselves. Anyways, I told this on the old board. Not sure I've ever told it here. I was in Sydney. Partied for close to 40 hours at this point. End up back at this girl's (J) house, where she was staying with her friend and a few other random travelers. So it's like 10AM, and even though we've been making out all night, J's friend crashes in the room they shared, leaving us to find an empty, secluded part of the house. We go to the laundry room, which was essentially a greenhouse attached to the side of the house. It was already pushing 30C/85F. So I'm on top of her, thrusting and dripping sweat. All we have is a sheet on the linoleum. My knees are killing me, my head is spinning and my dick is three-quarters hard, at best. Her tits were amazing but she somehow gets self-conscious and says, "Do I not make you want to cum?" I look at her bewildered, wipe my brow and say, "What? No, I'm just really hot and drunk and...and..." And I puked. Luckily I leaned forward enough and pushed her head to the side, so it all got on the floor, not her face/hair. JUST then, some Asian girl, whose face I'll thankfully never forget, walks in with a load of laundry, and screams accordingly. That was the only time I saw her, which I still find hillarious. Then I showered and we ordered pizza. Good times.
I've had rugburn on my shaft before. It was in college and somehow I ended up making out with this girl who I somehow brought home with me to my brothers place. We were on the couch and doing what drunk college students do. She started to give me an ole fashion and even in my extremely drunk state it hurt like fuck. It felt like someone was giving me an indian rug burn on my cock. To get the pain to stop I basically faked my orgasm. I actually had a bruise there the next day due to the abuse. Fun times, I really liked not sleeping that night. I remember distinctly that as the night/morning progressed I became more and more ashamed of myself. When we stopped I was happy, at 3 I looked at her and thought I could do worse, at 6 I thought fuck me whatever, at 8 I couldn't get her out of the house fast enough. We slept on the couch together and I didn't sleep an hour, because she was sleeping on my arm which any man knows its impossible to fall asleep like that, so I had time to consider these things.
Its ok. You don't have to pretend. All guys know you women folk like a suprise back door delivery. Focus: Not really mine as much but I was there so I guess it counts. My first girl friend (yeah the step sister) was around 19 and decided she wanted to get drunk. She had never been intoxicated, and felt it was the sort of thing a person should do before she went to college. So my idiot friends and I decided that we would get her drunk. We assembled at the house my buddies family was trying to sell. We had gathered some of the usual high school drinking staples. Vodka and sprite, boones farm, and aftershock. It was the latter that my girlfriend really took a shine to. So after a few drinks and a few more shots than are good for a novice drinker, the girl is really drunk and really horny. Even me being a typical high school horn dog knew that having sex was probably not the best idea for my girl, and I genuinely tried to resist her advances. But after she whipped my dick out and started trying to suck it under a blanket in the middle of our little get together, I figured she was fairly earnest in her desires. So we went and found an empty room. Things progressed like these things do. We are doing it doggy style, all things are good and she seems to be really enjoying herself. Then all the sudden mid moan, she starts puking her guts out. Naturally I stopped and started worrying about her. She's bawling and really embaressed that she puked all over the floor. I'm trying to comfort her, do some clean up, and get her dressed all while I'm buck naked. Between my friends and I we get the room cleaned up, the girlfriend and I home, and come up with a decent cover story for my girlfriends deathlike state. (The story was so good she skated any kind of trouble. I on the other hand got grounded because it was my job to take care of her despite the fact she's three years older than me.) No really aftermath to the story accept she says to this day she can't smell any cinammon like alcohol without getting nauseous, embaressed, and horny.
I've accidentally gotten hurt during sex a lot. The "accidental" buttsex thing has happened once or twice to me too, and that is a whole lot less fun than buttsex on purpose. I've gotten cum in my eye that was totally my fault. I once thought my wrists were broken after a guy pulled my arms in a weird direction too quickly while I was handcuffed. I got this huge booboo on my neck from a guy pulling a leather belt off from around it way too fast - like rug burn, only from leather. I still don't know how this happened because I don't even remember it being that rough of sex, but I woke up the next day with my boobs being entirely blue/purple/yellow and hurting so badly my bra felt like torture. What started out as me sitting on a desk ending up with him holding me up and my back slamming into the edge of the desk over and over again, so the next day I couldn't even stand up straight and it hurt to walk. And this guy once had this weird knee-jerk reaction to me either pinching or licking his nipple where without thinking he punched me in the face and I fell off the bed in surprise. I have been too afraid to touch dudes' nipples ever since, even when they ask for it.
Aside from the standard bumps, bruises, teeth marks and nail gouges normally associated with a good night, I had one instance where the husband (then boyfriend) hit my IUD with his dick. I have never felt pain like that before. I immediately burst into tears and could not be consoled for at least five minutes, by which point the mood was suitably killed.
Getting my nipples licked by a chick... That's one thing I do not dig and I don't know why. It should be enjoyable, but it just feels weird. Now when a girl sucks my belly button like a Dyson vacuum, that's a different story. /s
When I was 16, my then girlfriend at the time went away for about two weeks. I told all my friends that I wasn't going to masturbate for those two weeks, knowing that the next time I saw her, she'd have a huge load ready for when she gave me head (we weren't having sex). Our first date once she got back was a movie date, and it ended up being quite secluded, save for a couple of people a few rows in front and to the side (we were sitting in the obvious back corner spot). The movie we were watching was King Kong, which goes for approx 3 hours, so after a while of making out, I can't handle it much more, and not wanting to waste 2 weeks of teenage jizz in my own pants, ask her to go down on me, which she obliges to do. She was a swallower, and took the first load and a half like a champ, but unfortunately the next 3 and a half didn't go down well at all. She has a violently intense and loud choking/coughing fit, at which point I was literally worried I'd have to perform some sort of heimlich maneuver, and the few people that were all in the cinema have to stop watching to turn around and see if this girl is okay. I'm pretty sure some came out of her nose. I was a pretty shit bloke back in my teenage years.