Sex in long-term relationships

Some of the things that make sex more difficult and fraught than it really needs to be are the messages we get (or I did at least) growing up. It was pretty clear to me growing up that not only do men want more sex than women, but that it was an unevolved and barbaric thing to actually ask for it in a clear and upfront fashion. That to value sex in a relationship made you an eyerollingly stupid thug. Oh, and the constant message was also that women wanted sex, but only secretly, and had to be cajoled or somehow tricked into it. This is a series of messages almost guarenteed to create unhealthy and damaging adult sex lives.

It's one of the markers I used to determine that my wife was the person I wanted to marry when I realized that I actually could just talk to her openly about sex, desire, intimacy, and affection. That, somehow, it was possible to just say "I want more sex, how do we figue that out?" (or whatever) instead of sulk and stew and get pissed off. But even with that, I am still conscious of fighting off years of conditioning that taught me that my sexual desires were bad, that I shouldn't impose them on my wife, and that mismatched sex drives are only a source of comedy, not a "real" problem to work through.

 

Here is another topic for conversation (disclaimer - I am home sick and watching The Doctors and this what they are discussing). Sleeping in separate bedrooms, how do you feel about that?

I will admit that we do it the majority of the time. He snores and I am a light, restless sleeper. I feel like I would like to kill him. I figure that murder would be more detrimental to the relationship then sleeping apart. I am not a night cuddler anyway, frankly I want nothing touching me when I sleep. Funny that based on The Doctors sleeping with somebody who interferes with your sleep is worse on the relationship (and the health of the light sleeper) than sleeping in separate rooms. When I talk to my friends, it appears to be much more common than people want to admit.

 

I don't live with any of the people Im dating, topping or fucking, so I always send them home. I like sleeping in my own bed, alone.



I don't know how much I can add to this conversation, though I've been in lots of long term relationships most of them were open.

A far as frequency goes, between the lot, It averages out to once a day most of the time. Sometime when people are busy or out of town ( Holidays, finals, etc, other lovers) it can drop dow to three or 4 times a week which apparently is still a lot?

I've got a super high sex drive and most of them have moderate to average. Between the lot of them Im pretty happy.

 

I just realized that I never answered the question, probably about once a week, sometimes less, sometimes more. The separate rooms does add to a lack of spontaneity, but that is OK for me. Probably more like iwantsomejuice described. I've gotten over feeling shame about my vanilla sex life in comparison to all the craziness people talk about her. I was much more adventurous in my younger days, and have just settled into something for comfortable. We'll occasionally mix things up and do things differently, but the majority of the time it is more routine.

 

Some of y'all need to get off the high horse. An indiscriminate cheater is a rotten thing in a partner. We're not talking about a scummer who is cheating because they're either playing little games, insecure, or plain ole mean. The focus here seems to be on a neglected partner fulfilling a huge deficit in their emotional life. That is complicated when your spouse basically ignores you.

There is nothing worse than finally getting sex, making sure it is enjoyable, then your partner saying "OK, that's enough of that" and you get to jerk yourself off because she's tired and spent now. I know that from experience. Just typing that out is making my insides roll. Now imagine if you had built a life around a person like this (or a person that developed this attitude/behavior later). Luckily we were able to sever ties. Now we are not talking about avoiding the same bars. We're talking homes, children, a future. That's heavy.

My REM sleep is akin to a coma. So when someone saws logs loud enough that it wakes me up there is an issue. If you snore, I hope your life is filled with everything terrible the old testament god can imagine. Fuck you, fuck your life. Any jury in the world would acquit the spouse that smothered a snorer with a pillow and then burned the corpse out of spite.

 

We do a lot of night cuddling as a deeply relaxing experience, though not all the time. Sometimes we also just want to sleep sans physical contact. So basically, my thoughts on separate bedrooms is "If you're happy great, it's not a moral issue." For us though, we have trouble falling asleep without the other one present. Her in particular, which is extra rough because our awake/sleep cycles are not in tune. I stay up later than she does most of the time.

 

If you people snore, or have significant others that snore loudly, you should have them checked for sleep apnea. I used to snore terribly loud and it put a strain on every relationship I have ever been in. My wife finally made me get tested. The doctor told me I was going to die in my sleep, and most of my snoring was because I was stopping breathing.

I now have to sleep with a sleep apnea machine (CPAP). Which is goofy as fuck. Its basically a plastic thing that goes over my nose and forces air into my lungs to keep me from stopping breathing. But I no longer snore. I wake up feeling refreshed every morning (which is something I wasn't used to in the slightest bit). It has changed my life and my wife's life in leaps and bounds.

Before I got the CPAP machine I had no idea why people enjoyed sleeping. It isn't sexy, but getting a restful night sleep for you and your partner certainly makes you feel a lot sexier. I think it also makes her feel better knowing that I won't die in my sleep.

 

Re: 11/22 Drunk Thread

I'm 40, the wife is 37. She wants it every single day. Usually life gets in the way a couple times a week but I'd say we average 3-4x/week. I'd be good with like 2-3x so we're pretty much on the same page.

 

Focus: Talk about the importance/frequency of sex in long-term relationships. Do men want too much? Are women manipulative? Basically the same topic that's been going on for the last two days.

In the context of my relationship, I've never felt like I've wanted it all the time, and my girlfriend has really only said more blowjobs would happen if I trimmed my pubes more often. I don't even think that counts as that's really part of the sexual ground rules talk we had. We also had a talk where we both promised to never use sex as a bargaining chip. More than 2 and a half years in, we've both stuck to it.

Generally, we have sex once or twice a week due to our varying work schedules.

 

You’re not on a desert Island buddy, this closely describes my circumstances in a lot of ways. I also hate games but have noticed the same pattern. She came from a shitty emotionally broken family, the software just wasn’t installed right. 75% of all our sex occurs on the weekends also, this isn’t a big problem for me, sometimes come Thursday I will throw her over my solder and caveman her, this tends to go down pretty well, generally it’s a compromise I can live with.

Off topic a bit but anyone else in a domestic fight fake being angry rather than apathetic? Generally these squabbles are over some pointless shit which just doesn’t seem worth the effort. I found that a bit of a raised voice (I hate yelling normally) swearing and storming out does wonders to nip that shit in the bud. When I used to follow my natural instinct to quietly negotiate the issue while not appearing (or being) perturbed at all that shit could draw on for days. Bit of a storm and it all blows over in an hour or two. I just can’t get worked up about a fight that stemmed from bathroom cleaning.

 

Good god tell me you trimmed your pubes.

I had a friend who refused to manscape, even if it meant a detriment to his sex life, cause he felt it wasn't masculine. Fuck that, call me feminine all you want for manscaping if it means a positive spike in females putting their mouths down there.

/threadjack

 

Trim by all means but please don't go full baby balls. I can't even handle a guy that goes full smooth. I feel like I'm blowing an abnormally large toddler. ewwwww

 

Sex is important to both of us and has definitely changed in the past four years (we're both 26). I think it changes for everyone and prior to my current girlfriend, I had one serious relationship and a slew of very not-so-serious relationships. When current girlfriend and I started dating, I was an animal and we never wanted to leave the bedroom. But now I'm not nearly as interested and I catch myself thinking about what it'd be like going home with the hot girl I met the other day.

We currently live an hour apart and will continue to do so until this summer and we have sex 2-4 times a weekend. I have never cheated on her and never will. However, I think about it a lot. I know it'd be the stupidest thing I could do, but I want to fuck other girls. We've talked about threesomes or group sex, but we're both not sure about what our reactions would be after.

Do others crave the thrill of strange ass after being in a long term relationship?

But short story long; we both love da sex, men want it an adequate amount, and women aren't manipulative.

 

Yes. I don't believe hat ever goes away, it's human nature. But what is important is that you aren't acting on those cravings.

 

Well, unless it's part of the structure of the relationship.

 

Unless my girlfriend was willing to blow me at the drop of a hat, of her own volition, I'd be trimming my pubes every night like Mr. Miyagi pruned a bonsai tree. Since she's willing to only blow me in the bedroom, I find it's way easier for me to skip trimming a week or two because I know I'm still having awesome sex. She apparently wants me to continue to go down on her, so she takes the time to keep her downtown tidy and I'm happy to oblige her. Now if she could only give me a warning before squirting in my mouth...

 

Re: 11/22 Drunk Thread

 

I wish I hadn't grown a conscience when I turned 24.

Suddenly cheating was out of the question if things weren't going well sexually in my marriage or relationship. Then it became "work on the issues" and "marriage and relationships are work. Walking away when it gets hard is wrong."

Stupid conscience. Ruined everything.