So, I was home for like 3 days before I got word my grandmother is in ICU. This is a few short weeks after my mom had a hip replacement, and my dad's 60th birthday. I'm now looking at some really difficult questions on supporting elderly care and aging in place, and it's both miserable, sudden and ludicrously expensive. Focus: how do y'all take care of the elderly folks? What's your plan for aging? How are these things working out for y'all? We're lucky in that we have a house next door, so my sister and niece are right there. But driving, stairs, cutting grass, emptying trash are now seriously a challenge for my mom, and it begs the question of how my folks will take care of themselves and their house for the next 10-20 (hopefully) years.
My parents are in their mid-60s and thankfully are still very active. All my grandparents (except my Dad's father) lived into their mid-90s, so I'm hopeful my parents have that much time left. My mother-in-law is set financially but my father-in-law is kind of a piece of shit and always has been to my wife. She cares about him, but when I brought up the issue that he's now 72 and has no money or retirement savings, her response was, "Not our problem." My goal is to be as little of a burden on my daughter and her future siblings as possible when I retire.
Fuck I have no idea and it scares the crap out of me. My dad is in good shape, but my mom is broke as hell. She lives on her social security and within those means, but has basically no backup. I can't take care of her. I started a little late on my career so while I make okay money, a lot of it gets funneled to retirement. My sister lives within her means but basically is paycheck-to-paycheck. I felt very lucky with my grandmother. She was active and self-reliant into her 90s. When she had a stroke as a result of surgery, my mom was in a place where she could move in with her. It kept her out of the depressing situation of elderly care, in her own house, right up until only a few months before she died. I'll always be grateful to my mother for letting my grandmother maintain her dignity and home - but I am just not in a place where I could effectively return the favor. So I sit here, knowing this shit is on the horizon and not knowing what or when it will happen. Will I be lucky and have parents who stay active into their final years and have little-to-no period of being infirm? Will I be unlucky and have a parent who spends 10+ years needing constant medical care? What the hell do you do when your choice is, "make sure I can retire" or "keep your mom out of a social security-funded hellhole"? I feel lucky in that both of my parents are currently healthy and living within their means. They're in their 70s, so it's that weird age where things can change rapidly, or maybe nothing at all happens and they stay healthy for another 20 years.
I'm in the same boat and it's frustrating and terrifying. I'm doubling down on savings because in part, I think of some of it as "Mom needs a washing machine" money. Anything more than a grand and I'm hopeful they will tell me about it. The other thing is driving. They are in the sticks, and have to drive 30 minutes to get anywhere. It's kind of like island living: what happens when you can't sail? Mom already hates driving at night, and refuses to go to Costco unless someone is with her because of loading/unloading all that stuff. I have a feeling this is going to be a big fucking deal for a lot of folks in the next few years, because the McMansions weren't designed for aging in place (nor the rest of the suburbs), and a lot of my parent's older friends are fiercely independent, which is a recipe for a) living in awful conditions because you're too proud to ask for help, b) letting shit fester because you're too proud to ask for help or c) being an outright danger (ie, driving into your 90's, or breaking your back lifting kitty litter from Costco). I fucked with my Dad a little bit on his smoking, and basically said: you've smoked your retirement. 2 packs a day, turns into about $25/week That's $100/month $1200 a year times 40 years: $48,000. If you had invested $100/month for 40 years..... He just looked pissed.
My dad is gone, and mom is still around. They worked real estate together for years, but didn't get onto the "retirement savings" train until way late, but still managed to get set up not too badly. Mom's set for life with her savings, in a modest lifestyle that includes a bit of travelling every year. I moved home, bought the family house from mom, and she technically lives with me. She's pretty healthy, and her family has all lived to be pretty healthy, so I'm hoping she can relax here for a long time. I've been busting my ass at work and it's finally paid off, so personally, as of May 1st, I'm not worried about cash for looking after her or myself in retirement. (That's the date when a life-changing amount of stock/options vests and I can get a bunch of cash out... 187 days and counting). The only hard part will be availability of space in a care facility... there's a huge wait list around here. The thing that concerns me is that I have no wife, no kids... my sister has MS and has no kids. What's going to happen when I die? Or who's going to look after me if/when I start to fail, mentally or physically? The paternal side of the family does not have a good health record, so I'm doubting I make it to 75... but here's hoping I go out with a bang somehow, as the alternative scares me.
With my child being autistic, I absolutely cannot be a burden on him. It's not an option. He may be just fine, he's a genius at some things, but still mostly non-verbal. I'm not staying out of the stock market but I'm concentrating on real estate. I plan on getting back into civil engineering when he is more independent. Then I will work until I absolutely can't anymore, or I'm sure he can make a living for himself.
My parents are in their mid-sixties and honestly I haven't given this a lot of thought just yet. My wife and I are their health care proxies, probably because I promised I'd never let them rot on life support. But like I said, there's not much of a plan beyond that. The last thing I want to do is to put them in a nursing home, especially the ones around here. My brother and his family live right next door to them, so someone would always be right close by to keep an eye on them if they started getting batty. I guess if and when the time comes ( in other words, they aren't lucky enough to just one day keel over ) we'll have to deal with it.
I guess I've been "fortunate" so far. My dad passed away relatively quick so there were no costs involved there. My grandparents on my moms side passed away some time ago. My grandparents on my Dad's side just passed this summer. They had in home care insurance that helped cover costs like 24 hour care and what the insurance didn't cover, they were able to cover themselves. I also learned a lot on how to set things up so that when it's my time, it'll make it a lot easier on everyone. Trusts and well laid out plans on what I want done, who gets what etc. When my dad passed, it was a complete clusterfuck
One of the biggest problems is that keeping an eye on people who are "getting batty" isn't a, "I live in close proximity and can check on them occasionally" type of job. It's a full time task. When my step-mom's parents started getting a little crazy, it was constant work to ensure they weren't doing life-threatening stuff. He smoked and would fall asleep with cigarettes in his hand. Her mom would turn on the tea kettle and forget about it (ignoring or not hearing the whistle) until it melted. Her dad once managed to turn the car sideways in the garage even though he wasn't supposed to drive. They'd forget to eat or double up on medications. It's like watching a toddler. You look away for 5 minutes and suddenly there's a drawer full of steak knives on the ground and the gate to the basement is at the bottom of the stairs and Timmy has vanished.
I've run out of ancestors but as I'm in my 60's I'll keeping reading this thread to see what's going to happen to me.
I plan to use my knowledge of RO water makers to rule a small portion of this world. Screw water into wine, I'll turn pee into water. I got interrupted earlier and didn't get to finish my thoughts, I will most likely die quickly, heart attach or stroke, if family history has anything to say. That's how all my blood grandparents have gone. If I see myself about to be put in a home, I'll probably jump in a cheap sailboat, go out to sea and die. My step-grand parents, they are like blood to me, are in there eighties. Granny is in the early stages of dementia. Pop is nearly blind and his body is failing him, but, mentally, he's sharp as a tack. My mom and stepdad are pretty well set up financially, it shouldn't be a burden on us kids to pay for care. And my stepdad thinks like me, he'd probably go hunting one last time and "fall" off a mountain before he let us put him in a home.
Ooof. It's tough right now. Mom is in remission, dad is looking at heart and blood pressure stuff, and they're both in their early 60s. Between my brothers and me we will work out whatever we need to but...Looking at that little farmhouse and everything that needs to be done to it, making their home livable for later years is going to be a task. Mom won't be thrilled with assisted living basically ever, so we (brothers and I) will have to do everything we can to make sure they have accessible living space. It's part of the reason I wanted to move back to Texas. The Husband and I...I don't know man. I kind of have always skipped the part mentally about being old and just gone to the 'dead' part. I'm not sure what I'll do when I get old.
I’m most concerned about my family’s ratio of youngs to olds. Between my family and boyfriend’s, there are a handful of aunts and uncles who either didn’t have kids or didn’t have kids who I trust to take care of them in their old age. I’ve been joking/not joking about buying a little compound and sticking them all in one place. There was this awesome place with 7 houses/units on 23 acres about 30 minutes away but they weren’t quite old enough to sell the idea to them yet. Plus as much as I fantasize about living in BFE right now, isolating a bunch of olds is probably not the best plan for their long term health and happiness.
Well, having watched both of my parents die painful deaths from cancer, I've got an idea. (It seems like everyone in my family dies of cancer; my dad died of lung cancer, and he didn't even smoke! Cancer is coming for me, sooner or later.) I know that once I get that diagnosis, they will give me two options. If it's the easy one (surgery, or something similar), I'll get my affairs in order, just in case. If the doctors can't give me a straight answer, I'll get my affairs in order, then drive out into the country and eat a lead-sandwich. After putting a letter in the mail explaining where to find me. I don't want my son to see me the same way that I saw my parents at the end. Fuck you if you disagree with me.
Yeah but if you do that, life insurance won't pay out, and you're leaving a mess for your kid/family to sift through. My dad for decades had this notion that he was one day just going to drop dead, no decline, no hospital stay, just keel over. In some ways, I see the appeal, because the loss of dignity and the anguish that comes from a long, slow and steady decline is miserable. BUT that's generally not how it goes down for most folks, and I keep telling him that for being in his 60's, he's got to get better at asking for help, especially when it comes to his health (and he's got to get used to doctor's visits being normal). My grandmother on Dad's side had lung cancer, after 16 years of being devastated by a stroke: blind, diabetic, and just miserable health-wise. She decided to let things run their course, and as much as I miss her, it's hard to say that wasn't the right call.