The only people who should go to a wedding are people who are explicitly invited and people who the explicitly invited parties are fucking, and and have been fucking for long enough to have RSVP'd for themself and that person. A buddy? No. Just no. Unless you're gay and out, never take someone of the same gender to a wedding. Kids? Not unless they were mentioned on the invite. Some random so you don't look desperate? You still look desperate and why the hell do they even want to go to a stranger's wedding? Why do you expect the host to feed and provide an open bar for some random? If you weren't doing them when you RSVP'd - go solo. 90% of weddings suck anyway - they're not missing anything. Always RSVP, yes or no and always list who you'll be coming with if anyone. And if you can't give at least 2 weeks notice - don't cancel out of the RSVP unless it's a life or death emergency. If you think you might cancel out with less notice than that because you were hung over or couldn't be bothered - just RSVP no. Gifts - if the people getting married are over 25 and reasonably well off/established adults, they do not need a new toaster and if they do - let them spend the money you gave them instead of picking one for them. Unless it's a shotgun and their registry has a list of baby shit - cash and booze are the most appropriate gifts. Otherwise buy from the registry. If you are the rich uncle and you give the couple shares - recognise that it's a fucking gift. Nobody gives a shit that you gave them Microsoft shares in 86 and if they'd held onto them instead of selling they'd be fuck you rich by now. Nobody fucking cares. It was a gift, they did what they saw fit with it. Also, if you give the couple a toaster or something - be aware that they may have gotten 7 toasters. They may regift 6 of those toasters and keep the best one. Shut up about the fact that they didn't keep your gift. Maybe you should have given them cash and booze instead. If you're poor and you're giving a cheap gift - consider what sort of wedding it is and how close you are to the couple. Maybe the better gift would be your regrets about not being able to attend. There are times when you're broke and you can't afford a good gift but it's a wedding for really good friends and fuck it - go anyway. But I've skipped weddings because I knew they were spending like $150 a head on the wedding and paying for it themselves. We weren't that close - the best gift I could afford was letting them out of the obligation of inviting me and spending the money on one of their friends instead. This is a notable exception. 90% of people give generic gifts at a wedding. 90% of the crap on the register is entirely forgettable. Hell, people who have big weddings invite people who for the most part don't know them well enough to give them a decent gift. If you are the very rare exception - the best friend, favourite cousin, best man, mother of the bride, whatever - and you are actually close enough to the couple to get them a really awesome gift - that's ok. But ask yourself, really, if you're close enough to the couple to get them a really personal gift - why are you shopping in the appliance section of a big department store? Do you know that they really desperately want whatever the fuck it is that you're buying or that they'll look at it and fondly remember you in 10 years - or are you buying them shit they don't need that they'll have tossed or forgotten in 2 years? My wife and I had a small wedding with a few close friends and immediate family. It was kind of an immigration shotgun. It was mostly uneventful apart from my Grandfather accusing my wife of being a gold digger two days before the wedding, 10 minutes after first meeting her, and coming up after the exchange of vows to congratulate us and saying 'Well if you want kids, you better get started fast, she's shrivellin up before your eyes' - because she was 31 when we got married. My grandfather is an awesome wedding guest and for a moderate cut on top of expenses - he can also attend your wedding to offend your inlaws.
If you're making a speech, and you're nervous or not good at speeches, keep it short and don't be drunk (unless you're a funny drunk). Write your speech down. No one gives a shit if you're reading it if it's short. Some old crank might, but fuck them. When you're not comfortable, getting up in front of a lot of people is hard. If it's long and you're reading it, I will hate you. This counts double if you read in a monotone with all the efficacy of a second grader. If you are comfortable with speeches, have fun with it. Don't tell a whole bunch of in jokes that no one except five people in the audience are going to get if you're not prepared to deliver them in a way that includes everyone in the joke. And if you're going to embarrass the bride and/or groom, make sure it's worth it and you can live with it.
Have to echo the, don't be too drunk while giving a speech. At my cousin's second wedding he just passed the microphone around so anyone could say something (another big no no but he didn't have any bridesmaids or groomsmen). One of his friends had brought his own bottle of tequila and was slugging it the entire time. He was basically incoherent when he grabbed the mic. After two or three agonizing minutes of lewd babble they took the mic away from him. He later disappeared from the reception and was found a half mile down the road with his pants around his ankles. Also screen all of the pictures you submit to any montage slide show. One popped up of my cousins wife in a bikini which seemed to be graphically focused on her crotch. My cousin was beet red. Ive got to ask since someone mentioned thinking of spending 60 thousand dollars on a wedding, what is the etiquette in finding a price that is reasonable? If my future inlaws aren't picking up the tab I really don't think there would be anyway to convince me to spend more than 10 or 15k on a wedding. Maybe the shit adds up faster than I can imagine but SIXTY THOUSAND DOLLARS?!??!
My wife is fucking awesome and we have plain stainless stell rings with custom engravings on the inside - total cost $fuckall - but I have friends who've spent $20k on the brides rings alone under the 3 months salary rule. It's not hard to go from $20k for the brides bling to $60k for the party. If you then assume $10k on a honeymoon or something? Ouch. Personally - if somebody handed me $90k the day after my wife with a brewsters millions style it can only be spent on the wedding condition attached - I'd still have had half a dozen friends and family, some paperwork in the court and stainless steel rings and then $88,000 would have gone to the honeymoon.
One thing that really gets me is the "destination wedding" where you basically combine wedding and vacation into one. I know people who have or are planning to do this, and they all have the mentality of "our friends get to travel to a foreign city!" without thinking how expensive trips like that are. A former worker of mine that I keep in touch with is upset that, while unemployed, I won't fly to Italy for her wedding. Both she and the groom live in NYC. A good host simply shouldn't put a huge burden on their guests. Some people have no manners.
What you get your rings done at the renaissance fair? HEEEYYYOOO! I guess I was separating the ring and honeymoon from the big day's event. Still these two also seem to be things I wouldn't see wanting to go all out on. The easy argument is that all of that fucking money could go to, I don't know, a down payment on a house!!! Fuck.
I'm actually a huge fan of the destination weddings. At 28, I've been to my fair share of weddings and I don't really care to go to anymore, outside of close friends and family. Granted, you shouldn't get shit about not being able to afford the trip, but in my experience, that rarely happens. In fact, my two best friends (one male, one female) are marrying each other next summer and are using the destination wedding somewhat as a way to cut down on the number of guests. The cost alone prohibits those ancillary friends that you feel you have to invite, but don't REALLY want there from actually attending the wedding. As for the Do's and Dont's of a wedding, I'll be the odd man out here. DO basically whatever the fuck they ask you to do, or don't go. DO what's customary. Yes, it fucking sucks that the bridal party ends up dropping tons of cash on the wedding. Yes, buying gifts for every fucking shower and also for the wedding hurts the pocket book. But you know what, if you don't want any part of that, don't attend the wedding. Maybe it's just me, but in my eyes, even though the bachelor party, renting the suit, buying gifts, etc costs a lot of dough, I have a good time at the parties and the wedding because they're dear friends of mine. I don't mind dropping a little cash for events like that. I understand all of the other points made in this thread, but at the end of the day, if it's a good friend of yours, suck it up. If it's not, save yourself the trouble. It's really that simple.
I don't understand engagement rings. Maybe it's just the euro in me, my dad proposed to my mom without having one and it wasn't a big deal. There's actually a running joke that European women earn their diamonds(most get a 25 year anniversary ring with all kinds of shiny crap) while American women get theirs' on credit. I dunno but I figure if I'm going to ask a chick to marry me it better be mutual, and not dependent on the size of rock I put on her finger. I mean shit if all all is fair then I'd pay for the ring and she'd pay for the honeymoon right?
I'm guessing that its similar over in the US , but here in Australia , the word "wedding" adds a minimum 20% markup to EVERYTHING. Even organising and having a cheap wedding , you would struggle to stay under $15K (Au) , so its generally bad form to take anyone with you unless they are a partner of one description or another.
I've never been married, so all my experience is anecdotal. As Stealth said, prices jump when wedding is mentioned. They try and make out it's something fantastic. But, honestly, it's just a big fucking party with some vows. Be sneaky. Ring ahead and ask for prices as a "party". When you call back an ask as a wedding, if the price is different call them on their shit. It's fucking ridiculous and money grabbing. Normally I'd agree with hating destination weddings. Years ago a friend of my girlfriend got married in Queenstown, New Zealand in the middle of ski season. I was there in a heartbeat. So, I'd be a hypocrite to say anything against them.
From what I understand the whole point of a destination wedding (other than the awesome destination) is so people who don't want to take the time off/spend money on traveling don't show up. It's a great way to have a small wedding with the people closest to you without leaving anyone off the guest list.
I'm going to be in a wedding next summer. My boyfriend is the best man, so the bride asked me to be a bridesmaid. Her maid of honor lives about 2 hours away from her, so she asked me to help her with most of the planning. So far, she wants a cash bar, a buffet and doesn't want to register because she just wants money for a house. God help me. She's also entertaining the idea of incorporating the colors of the rainbow. This is the first wedding I will be attending since sophomore year of high school, and the very first time I'll be a bridesmaid. I mean I understand they're trying to save money and cut corners, but isn't there a way to do without screaming "cheap ass"??
I don't see what's so hard to understand about bringing a date. Don't bring a random dude friend under any circumstance, and don't just assume you can bring some chick you're fucking or even your girlfriend of a couple months. Also, most RSVP notes will include a "plus one", but that still doesn't mean you're allowed to bring a date. If the invitation is addressed to "Mr. John Doe and Guest" then bring the girl you're boning, but think twice about bringing any girl just to have a date. If the invitation is addressed to "Mr. John Doe" then you don't bring a guest, even if there is a "plus one" check on the RSVP card. These rules apply if you aren't extremely close to the couple, and don't know exactly what their intentions are. Of course if you know them very well, you probably have a good understanding of whether or not you can bring a guest regardless of what the invatation says. Obviously there are exceptions to everything, and this is no different. I was a groomsman in my cousins wedding a couple weeks ago, and although the invitation was only addressed to me, I asked and was allowed to bring my girlfriend of over a year. Last summer another cousin was married and my aunt's rule was that you had to be dating your significant other for over a year to bring them to the wedding. So my sister and my cousin were allowed to bring their bf/gf and the rest of the cousins and myself were not allowed a date. It was an expensive wedding, and this was understandable. A female friend from high school got married last weekend, and there was quite a debate among all the guy friends as to what was an appropriate gift. A couple dudes gave cash ($50, which is apparently cheap according to most of what I've read on here), and another friend and myself went in together on wine glasses totalling $100 (at the recommendation of another female friend/bride's best friend). This may sound cheap, but we were also invited to the wedding shower a couple months ago for some unknown reason, and bought some stupid appliance off the registry for that as well. Funny thing is, the couple are total hippies and right now they travel throughout South America working on organic farms, and don't really have a residance. So, really, cash was probably the best bet. And uh, whoops, we had only met the groom once, and misspelled him name "Zack" on the card, when it is actually spelled "Zach." So, yea, DON'T do that. I know they won't care at all, but I'm sure some people out there would not be happy about that. We should have had the invitation with us at the gift and card store to be certain (This was about an hour before the wedding, with no chance to change it after we realized our mistake). Speeches. A few years back the best man (groom's brother) gave this speech at my cousins wedding: "A wise man once told me that the best man's speech should never be longer than it takes the groom to consumate the wedding. And with that, here here!" I was 19 at the time, and thought it was the greatest thing I had ever heard. However, my uncle (father of the bride) was livid. So I guess file that one under Don't. (Do.) One of the bridesmaid speeches at this wedding recounted a story of my cousin being so drunk she wound up vommiting the entire next day in college, while the groom took care of her. I thought that was tacky, even at 19, and my mother thought it was the most appalling thing ever. Definitely don't do that. Another don't: (same wedding) If it is a big money wedding (this wedding was atleast $250 k), and you are the 19 year old brother of the bride, you shouldn't get so drunk at the rehearsal dinner and at the bar after the rehearsal dinner that you wind up in the groom's parent's penthouse suite where you proceed to puke, piss, and shit all over the master bed. However, if you are the cousin/best friend of the bride's brother, you should drink alongside him all night, then laugh hysterically the next morning when you hear the story of how the night ended, and just be happy that it's not you everyone is talking about the morning of the wedding.
I'll bite, since this was my comment. And trust me, I had no idea how quickly this shit adds up. When I first started budgeting, I focused on the obvious things and figured it would cost me around $40k, but then you start thinking about the details, and it really adds up quick. One of the big cost drivers here is that we are having a destination wedding in coastal Oregon. Because so many of our friends and family are spending the money to fly out and stay for a long weekend, I think it's only appropriate to make sure that their every need is taken care of. The big extra expense here is the rehearsal/welcome dinner. A lot of traditional rehearsal dinners only include the wedding party and close family, so it might be limited to like 20-25 people or so. We felt that it was appropriate to invite everybody to the rehearsal dinner that was flying in (which is the entire guest list), so basically you end up paying for 2 receptions. Also, doing a destination wedding in Oregon is not like doing a destination wedding in Mexico. You can't just call up a resort and say "I want wedding package B". We've had to make a couple of pre-wedding trips out there (flights, hotels, rental), which really adds up. Since we don't have any friends/family that live out there, we also had to hire a planner to help with all of the coordination, which isn't cheap. The other thing that can really add to the expenses is the honeymoon. This will be the first time in over 10 years in the working world where I am going to be able to take 2.5 weeks off. We may not get another chance like that for a really long time, so we really wanted to do it up. When it's all said and done, the honeymoon portion is probably going to cost close to $15k. We are going to Fiji and New Zealand, which unfortunately isn't a very cheap trip.
Man, here I was thinking them asking me if I wanted to bring someone in the invitation was actually asking if I intended to bring someone and not a callous formality.
Yup, this is what happens when you let women run the show. Ive been wondering, how much is it usually for an open/pay bar at a reception? One thing I could never skimp on would be an open bar. Im guessing catering companies probably tax the shit out of it though. A buddy of mine gave the best excuse for a pay bar stating that he wasn't going to be liable for the results of two hard core Kentucky families drinking free liquor. In reality I think they just wanted to save some cash and the brides family owned a liquor store and probably couldnt justify the cost of an open bar. Though everyone in the wedding party did get a free bottle of booze from them. My cousin cousin's wedding consisted of two kegs of "good" beer and top shelf liquor. Served the 40 or 50 of us well.
On the topic of open bars, find out if they truly are "open bars" At my one cousin's wedding, we drank them out of Yuengling, Bud (Miller, Coors?) Lite, Captain Morgan, Jack Daniels, and probably their vodka too. They had to start pulling out the bottom shelf booze and bottled beers to cover. Having never planned a wedding, I don't know if there's a limit or anything to an "open bar" but it's something to consider. On another note, my sister is getting married and I'm a groomsmen. I'm also a broke college student, and already shelled out $180 for the tux. What's an appropriate gift? And should I bring a date? I figure if I bring a girl, she'll be stuck dealing with my family while I'm with the wedding party.
This is a tricky situation. If you have heavy drinking family/friends, it's always better to pay "per head". I think we're paying $40 (including gratuity) per head for 5 hours of open bar, with top shelf liquor. This is a steal as far as I'm concerned. I would say that at least 85% of the invited guests at our wedding will have 8+ drinks in a 5 hour time span. That's $5 a drink (including the tip). Their other option was a "pay per drink" option. The top shelf drinks were listed at $7 and the beers were $4. I erred on the side of caution, because there will be way more than a handful of people who will get through 15+ drinks. Hopefully one of them is not my wife.
My folks dropped over $80k on my sister's wedding, and my wife's brother over $100k on his second wedding (his cocktail hour had a sushi bar, two pasta bars, two carving stations, assorted buffet tables, plus white glove service, followed by a 4 course meal and included top-shelf open bar--it was lavishly insane). In the case of my parents, it was stupid. It put a serious dent in their retirement savings which was further exacerbated by the downturn in the stock market, but they just had to "keep up with the Joneses." My brother-in-law on the other hand, is a well-established doctor, this was his second wife's first wedding (his first wife passed away), and he certainly has the financial means. My kids are getting bus tickets to Vegas and a gift certificate to the Chapel of Love.
My dad said he'll pay for a down payment on a house if we elope. Also, the extra incentive is that it'd piss off my mom. Vegas-style looks pretty good!