RIP Anthony Bourdain (aka Hello Darkness, My Old Friend)

I own all of his books and have enjoyed all of his TV ventures. It’s a terrible loss, his writing was a unique voice. Last thing I thought I would hear this morning was that he died, let alone suicide.

 

It's tough. My wife was just talking to me about it, as she even noticed, I normally don't get bothered when people die. Even relatives and stuff, it just doesn't bother me. We think something happened with all the brain surgery, I just don't experience emotions like normal people do. But with Bourdain, I've been genuinely sad.

He was the reason I got into cooking (first him, then reading Chef Bocuse solidified it). I'm sure like many thousands of people, Kitchen Confidential was my bible for a period of time. It showed up on Amazon as one of those "customers who bought this also purchased" things, so I checked it out and read it in about two days. I was living on my own for the first time, I was about 9 months out of brain surgery, and cooking became the companion I didn't have -- it also helped me date above my level a few months later when I met my now-wife.

The other part of it is the way he died. Suicide. I've been through some rough times, especially in the years immediately following my brain surgery where PTSD was heavy, and I'm very much familiar with the mindset involved with people who commit suicide. While I'm no longer in that place now, I was, for a good few years, and I'm still amazed I made it out alive. When you're in that dark place, and have those demons, suicide very much feels like the only solution. I understand why people do it. I do not fault them for it. Hell, I almost did. So to lose one of my heroes the same way that I almost lost myself, well.... it sucks.

I think what I appreciated most about him was how he appreciated different cultures, how he respected food and heritage and customs and used the food as a means to learn more about the world. It wasn't what he ate, but who he ate it with, how it was prepared, where, what that food meant to those people.

A very respected person died. But by no means has his legacy. I'm sure that I, like many thousands of people, for whom kitchen confidential was their bible, Anthony Bourdain gave them a lot more than some recipes and entertainment TV.

Tomorrow morning I will make his scrambled eggs. If you've never made them before, you must.

 

Morbid as it may be, he’s going out on top.

 

Reports are now he died by hanging. Truly sad. You always imagine your rock stars ODing on pills and booze. It’s just sad how experiences can do that to a person. Sad to think a person can truly feel so alone and helpless.

Hopefully this will help destigmatize mental illness, between him and Kate Spade in a week.

 

This one bothers me the way Chris Cornell did. Except I wasn’t one week away from seeing Bourdain.

Just a punch in the gut first thing in the morning.

I really enjoyed the way he showed the best in different groups of people. Highlighted their humanity when so often people are reduced to caricatures and sound bites.

 

My boy's death was ruled a suicide, though I still don't think it was. I honestly believe he did something really stupid with a gun that he thought was a bad ass way to show off in front of his friends.

I can't think of anyone I know personally who has committed suicide, but years ago when I was being treated for depression I was on boards much like this except they were for people with depression. There would be times that someone would suddenly disappear and someone that knew them IRL would inform us that they had checked themselves out. We're talking kids in their teens and twenties, they'd be posting pictures of their hamsters or something one day and then suddenly they were gone.It was pretty much a monthly thing that some regular would kill themselves. It was more depressing then actual depression.

At the same time, I've been there. I'm honestly surprised I'm still alive. Depression is a motherfucker. Your brain tells you all sorts of lies constantly. A lot of people with depression fight being treated because depression has one upside....your creativity for writing, art, music go through the roof. You go to a place in your brain where these talents apparently live. My music and lyrics when I allowed myself to be sucked into the welcoming hole of depression were so much better then when I wasn't depressed.

If I had to make an analogy, depression is a mermaid singing a siren song that will eventually crash you on the rocks. It's an absolute bitch and I can understand how anyone rich, poor, old, young can be drawn in. We're brought up to believe our brains, when our brains lie to us it's hard to resist.

 

Yup. Dancing with the devil. That’s exactly why I resisted treatment for so long. The creativity that came from it was fucking incredible. Like a drug. Fortunately I came to my senses and realized I had a loving wife and a son and I needed to get myself fixed before it killed me, but I was damn close. Really damn close. I can see how so many people resist treatment for that reason, or think it isnt that bad. I can see how they think that they can still control it, that they can still fix it on their own.

They don’t realize how bad it’s gotten until one bad day they decide to hang themselves.

My advice is, it’s never too late to get help. If you or someone you know is even maybe going through depression, do something. Call a doctor. Find a therapist. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline available 24 hours a day at 1-800-273-8255.

 

Scott’s bbq tastes as good as it looks. I also repped you this but thanks for posting that pcicture above. Folks down here don’t really get mental illness, but that quote about outwitting the guy inside you should hopefully pay dividends. I’m ok now, but I’ve been in the muck and the amount of people who straight say be happy is absurd.

 

I've been wrecked by this all day. I was sad about Kate Spade too. While I wasn't a huge fan or customer, I was shaken by the jarring juxtaposition of how, if I did seek out her designs, it was because I found it very difficult to be unhappy around her work, and now knowing that this person who brought joy to people had been dealing with such sadness and darkness this whole time. It was a shock. Bourdain, though, was someone I've loved and admired since I was a teenager, and the loss has hit hard. Even for someone whose demons I've always been aware of, it still feels so unexpected and out of nowhere. He was doing such important work that I thought was especially needed now and it will be missed, and I'm sad for his girlfriend and his daughter.

But as much as his death is upsetting in and of itself, I think it's the culmination of these past few days that started with Kate and has been continuing with the conversations surrounding her death and now his. There has just been nonstop talk of suicide and it's difficult to deal with. I have experiences with suicide from all different angles, and especially today it has been basically impossible for certain memories to keep playing over and over and over again in my head. I know that being triggered has been reduced to a punchline, but if this has been completely lost its origins are related to genuine effects of PTSD and PTSD-adjacent issues, and when suicide dominates the news cycle and social media and conversations in a way that feels impossible to escape it can just be really rough.

One thing that's really getting to me is, even though I understand it's flawed logic and the goalposts are always going to keep moving, I still am a person who places a lot of their ideas of happiness onto success. I can't shake the idea or the hope that if I get the dream job, if I get published more regularly, if I get a book deal, if my work gets taken seriously and discussed by the people I fantasize about it being discussed by, then everything will be okay and that's when I'll be fully happy. Then I see these people like Kate and Bourdain who struggle the same way I do but have all of those things, my idea of success and a great life, and their struggles still win out in the end. It makes things feel kind of hopeless. I'm not even in a particularly bad place at the moment, but these things still bring it out in me. Thankfully, I have a good weekend set up that should be full of distractions, and I've been doing what I can to give myself a break today. I've been seeing people talk about going out and trying a new cuisine they've never tried before in Bourdain's honor, and I think I'm going to try and incorporate that into the mix.

 

For what it's worth, when I was younger I always thought that if my band made it big all my problems would be over. My band never made it even close to big. But you know what? Eventually I came to realize that I love writing music. Not for recognition or others telling me how good it is, I write because I enjoy doing it. I occasionally get people telling me that they can't believe I wasted all this talent, but you know what? Who cares?

It's awesome when someone likes something I've created, but if they don't like it...screw them. We all have different tastes.

Financial success does not equal happiness. I've been rich and I've been poor. Quite honestly, poor is easier, lots less paper work and worry.

 

I gave notice at my job because of these sorts of issues. A week from today is my last day of work. Since giving notice I feel both closer to being "better" and closer to killing myself than I have in years. So either way, the next few months should be a ride...

 

This right here. It's much like people who have natural athletic skills, or math skills, or being around people skills - they have a hard time understanding people who don't. Some people have a natural (or maybe a different time-honed wisdom) instinct for those coping skills. And they simply can't understand those who don't. And if you're raised by, or mostly around those who have it, you are reluctant to get help, because what you know is in the movies.

To all of you who posted here (or may be lurking) that face severe depression and/or suicidal thoughts, I hope you will seek and find your therapist, your outlet, your coping, your exercise - whatever - that allows you not just to exist, but to thrive, to truly live.