In the Red Lobster thread Angel wrote "You used a phrase like "I won't let you" and thought I'd adhere to it." and I got to thinking. Absent, "I'm going down to the Navy base and let The Marines run train on me" I put no restrictions of any kind on Mrs. Noland and what she can or cannot do. The reverse is also true. It's not simply that I don't want her gang banged by a bunch of teenaged Marines (I don't) it's just that I've had a relationship theory for a long time that has worked fairly well over the years. "Find a person who will never tell you "no", and then never give them a reason to." If everyone adheres to it, then you don't have to worry about him/her doing something that upsets you. That being said, not everyone follows the rules. FOCUS: Do you have any relationship rules? Dealbreakers. Things you're partner is forbidden to do. Or things that your partner is required to do.
We've done attraction deal breakers before (i.e. "He must be 6'6" and a doctor or I'd never even date him!"), but this focus should stick more to actually being in a relationship with someone.
I dont care if its an accident or if it happens when youre asleep, if youre the first to break the fart barrier in the relationship, its fucking on.
You need to respect what I do for a living. I don't make a whole lot of money(but I do alright), but I take a lot pride in my career and work very hard. If you don't respect it because I am "just a tech", then we have a problem. I once dated a girl who shat on anyone who worked in medicine who wasn't a doctor or at least a PA or something. It ultimately lead to the end of the relationship.
Don't Do: Becoming overly demanding or possessive. Its only happened to me once, but I've seen plenty of girls being relaxed, flexible and fun during the early dating process. Then once it becomes "official" much less an engagement or something, suddenly dig the claws in and begin demanding more weekend nights spend at home, cutting off of female friends cause it "makes them uncomfortable", etc... I signed up to date the girl I really liked when I met her. If that's a facade, then I'm not gonna be pleased. Do: "Required" is a bit rough, but be open. Whether it be to food, or different activities, of course sexually, proper relationships are a give and take. And have a fucking opinion. There is no way to dissolve a relationship faster than one person being forced to make the decisions or ideas all the time.
Don't touch my phone, if you think I am cheating on you divorce me, I am not cheating on you and there is confidential client information on my phone that is not your business, you do not get the password to open it and you are not to look at it. Touch the shit in my office, the reason it is my office is because all the shit in there is stuff I want, you get the rest of the house leave my office alone. and don't flick me, my wife used to flick me when she thought I said something wrong or that was mean and it really pissed me off, the positive side was we were in therapy at the time and the therapist helped me voice my extreme displeasure with the flicking. Do Have your own friends and hobbies, I know I am very interesting but we do not need to do everything together.
Do understand that relationships are about give and take, compromise, and sometimes just having to do something for another person for the sake of doing something for another person. Do try and maintain even somewhat of an even balance of effort, both for the bigger things (like emotional support) and the little things (like figuring out something to do today). Do be open: to trying new things, to hearing each other out, about what's going on in your head/life/past etc Do maintain independence. Do find a balance between creating some routines and traditions with each other and keeping things new and interesting. Do be supportive of each other's interests/passions/jobs/dreams/hobbies etc Do stay silly. Don't be a doormat, but also do pick your battles.
Only a couple of rules have evolved for me and my husband. 1) Pretty much anything is on the table for consideration, as long as we talk about it first. 2) Be actively kind to each other. (Notice I said kind, not nice. Kind is using non abrasive language even during arguments, doing things for the other person unsolicited, speaking highly of the person to friends/family, that kind of thing. Nice is always being pleasant, to the detriment of the relationship because you avoid conflict.) 2) If you say you're going to do something, FUCKING DO IT. And in a timely manner. My husband, like a lot of guys, is a pleaser/fixer. If I ask him if he'll do something for me (small or big), he thinks the answer I want is yes. So he says it. And then avoids doing the thing, because he never really wanted/had time/knew how to do it in the first place. We have had many discussions, and I think it finally got through that for me, priority #1 is Getting Shit Done. As long as he's contributing in general, I don't really give a flying fuck which one of us does which thing when.
Your wife has a rule that you can't go down to the base and let a bunch of sailors run train on you? Interesting. For me, it's communication. If it's bad or good, fucking communicate. Giving me the silent treatment isn't an option.
Do: Trust me that I love and care about you. If I'm frustrated by something and it leads to an argument, it doesn't mean that I'm purposefully trying to hurt your feelings. Arguments happen. Let's talk it out and figure out what's best for both of us. Don't Doubt me or give me reason to doubt you.
I've never told my husband what he can and can't do when he makes plans. He has his guy nights and goes out and I don't have any issues with it. I think that's because we have mutual respect and trust for each other, so I don't sweat when he wants to do something and makes his plans, whatever they may be. He's not going to go out and do something that would disrespect me because he loves me (awwww....wipes tear). He's pretty laid back and I can be kind of goofy, but we seem to balance each other out. My husband has one don't for me: Never, EVER, under any circumstance can I have them sing Happy Birthday to him at a restaurant or he will divorce me. I have never tested that statement as I think he kind of means it.
Here's a good one we have: don't insult each others tastes in music, movie, show, arts in general. It always leads to nasty snark so just ZIP IT.
Pretty much the only rule I've ever had is that I get to skate at least once a week. Thats my me time. If you have a problem with that then there are obviously other things we need to discuss.
Don't snoop in my stuff, I'm not hiding anything. If you're snooping, that means you don't trust me and if you don't trust me there is no relationship. Don't make major purchases without consulting me. Nothing pisses me off more then being told that my debit card was declined when I'm buying a 12 pack and then arriving home and finding a hideous new painting on the wall. A hideous $7500 painting. There will be a very loud discussion. Don't insist that we hang all over each other like love sick teenagers when in public. No one wants to be around teenagers groping and making out in public, this goes double for old people. Do have your own friends and interests and understand that I may or may not wish to be involved. If I don't wish to be involved, there is no secret agenda or motive. Go. Have fun. Everything will still be the same when you return home. Edit: Don't ask me what I'm thinking, because it will probably be something mundane like "What if Tony Conigliaro hadn't been hit in the head with that Jack Hamilton fastball?" There's a 99% percent chance that whatever random thought is going through my head at any given moment doesn't involve anything of importance.
Our running joke is that our marriage has a Relationship Agreement out of The Big Bang Theory (Though we haven't gotten around to writing it down). It's something that's evolved over time because we like to plan for contingencies and the nature of our marriage (open to a degree) means we have to be very clear, direct, and open with each other. One thing I want to say is that I wouldn't call breaking any of our rules a dealbreaker in the automatic sense. Certain violations might lead to very serious consequences for our relationship, but we're pretty much all-in on each other here and I'm not going to declare ahead of time what will or won't instantly end things between us when I don't know. Anyway, that aside, some of our rules, understandings, and contingencies. Some very serious, some clearly a little more lighthearted (though still actually agreed upon). Spoilered for length Spoiler Honesty: We are absolutely honest with each other. No fibs, no lies, no nothing other than actual truth. Sometimes we do the "nothing" answer to "what's wrong" and then have to be coaxed out of it, but that's as close as it gets. Open: I don't hide things from my wife. Period. I have a standard disclaimer to my friends that goes "To save us time in the future you should know that when I say 'I won't tell anyone' that my wife is the exception. She'll keep it to herself and I may not volunteer it, but if she asks I'm not going to promise you I won't tell her." Along with this is the idea that we can ask each other to see texts, emails, forum posts, whatever. However, and this is an important distinction, we can't snoop behind each other's backs, we have to ask. Without going into the minutiae we have a whole set of rules and understanding regarding where and when we can engage in sexual relationships with people outside the marriage. These rules are focused on trust, openness, communication, respect, disclosure, and trust. Basically, if you and I are having sex then it's because my wife and I have already specifically discussed it and made sure it's ok. Support each other. My wife and I have each other's backs. Period. If we don't there's a serious problem. We're there for each other, us against the world. Every now and then someone will bitch about me to my wife like they think she's going to take their side in some petty bullshit. It doesn't work. Movie clause. If we're ever in a situation where we absolutely need the other person to believe us, like something out of a movie where the NSA is trying to kill us or aliens have landed in the backyard or whatever, we can invoke the movie clause and the other person has to stop being skeptical and just go with it. This has never been invoked and hopefully never will, but, you know, just in case. Two exceptions to the honesty rules. 1) If one or both of us is an American intelligence agent whose occupation is classified. 2) If one or both of us is a Batman style vigilante. Yes, we had those conversations. Oh, no getting the waitstaff to sing happy birthday at a restaurant. We both hate that like the plague upon humanity it is. When we argue we do so based on the issue at hand, whether it's emotional or pragmatic or whatever. We don't aim to hurt each other, we avoid yelling, and we never swear at each other. Deliberately trying to cause anguish is insanity in a marriage. We check in during long trips or late nights. Texts or whatever to let each other know we're ok. There are others, but that's enough off the top of my head.
DON'T: Be late. Recently, over a few beers, the topic of people being habitually late came up. It's my biggest pet peeve, because it's disrespectful, to say the least. I don't care if it's to a doctor's appointment, to a date, to dinner reservations, or just to my house to hang out: if you are consistently one of those people who is always 15-20 minutes late, I believe that says a lot about you. And what it says about you, is not something I want to be a part of. To strike my point home with this, I told my wife that if she ever became one of "those habitually late people," I would divorce her. Her father rose from the table, looked me dead in the eye, and shook my hand. My wife then stood up and said, "[Revengeofthenerds], if you don't learn how to get better in bed, I'm gonna divorce you too." Her father then rose from the table again, looked her dead in the eyes, and went to bed.
I've heard this put another way by a friend; "Don't yuck my yum". If I'm enjoying something, you do not need to shit on it. If you think it's dumb, or poorly made, or filled with banality and mediocrity, that's fine. But keep it to yourself. I'm enjoying myself, and you stopping that isn't going to chenge my mind about what I was enjoying. It's going to make me like YOU less.