Razor Blades Explosions Kermit The Frog Thread 6/25/10!!!

PREFACE

I am by no way arguing against or for him. While I did not vote, for reasons concerning I did not feel I was educated enough about the candidates to be allowed vote and personal reasons, and not saying I would have voted for or against him, I think some things he has done well, while others he has struggled.

PREFACE

This will probably get me some discipline here but I've seen this group on facebook way to many times down here in Houston,

http://www.facebook.com/pages/OBAMA-One-Big-Ass-Mistake-America/210590404029?ref=search

for those who do not want to click,

O.B.A.M.A. - One Big Ass Mistake America

 

I can't think of a better text to get from a female friend than, "Come pick me up. Take me to your house. And fuck me." What has two thumbs and likes tequila again all of a sudden? This guy. I also discovered that Magnums fit me. Yay?

Oh, and I found out that Cook-Out is open until 4:30 am. And I've also found out that banana-pineapple milkshakes taste amazing when high. It's like God doesn't want me to have money. I'm gonna finish this motherfucker and continue my GTA IV weekend marathon.

Oh, and today's space out and chill music is brought to you by Wiz Khalifa: <a class="postlink" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87AXdl3NgR0" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87AXdl3NgR0</a>. For those of you keeping score at home (or just anyone who gives a shit), Flight School is his best mixtape (K&OJ is #2 in my book). Dude likes he'd be cool to see live too: <a class="postlink" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nl2GD6pH_p8" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nl2GD6pH_p8</a>.

 

Still having those fantasies I see? You should see a psychologist for those.

 

This is going to be a fuck show.

My annual family reunion today . I'm in the only "city family" in a group of 150. Seriously, practically my entire family is made up of hicks. They love bib overalls and equip their wardrobe with The Bedazzler. It's fucking hilarious.

Thank god there's beer & softball to cushion the blow.

 

St. Augustine beach, here I come. Friend of mine I haven't seen in a couple years just got outta jail. She's coming down with her BF and his sweat hog sister, so I'm meeting them at the beach. Wearing a cowboy hat and board shorts all day? Yes, please. Now if this bacon would finish cooking I'd be ready.

Lost a roach at a FWB house after smoking. No luck finding it and blew my buzz looking for it. Her ex-BF is coming over today to get the rest of his shit, with his family, so she's tweeking a bit they'll find it. Fuck that, I hate people (she's cool).

 

I have now done everything in Montreal that one has to do: feel up some stripper titties and eat a smoked meat sandwich. Also sharing a lap dance with a girl is pretty awesome.

For hangover remedies I highly recommend taking 50 mg of dimenhydrinate before hitting the sack. For all the weeknight drinking I've been doing and how not crap o feel in the morning, it works.

 

My sister and I were passing notes in church:
"You are an unreliable sphincter."
"You are a monstrous pile of buffalo diarrhea with a haircut and a driver's licence."
"You make God cry tears of cheap whiskey."
"Bigfoot considers you a sex symbol."
"Bret Michaels and Sookie list you as an inspiration."
"You smell like that guy feels."
"You are an incontinent T-rex with syphilis."
"When you were born, I wanted to name you Chewbaccah"
"You smell like purple, cancer, and the wrath of an angry God."
"Sasquatch is suing you for identity fraud."
"You smell like octopus feces a gang of Israelis peed on for a week."
"You are a cosmic shart."
"You are the universe's dingleberry."

Mom was so proud.

 

Yesterday consisted of a day of drinking at a 40th B-day party thrown for a neighbor. A great time was had by all - including me and my new best friend.

Allow me to introduce my new best friend - his name is The Salesman. He works for a liquor wholesaler/distributor. As it turns out, every year x number of bottles become unsellable due to damaged labels. Among other duties, the salesman "disposes" of these unsellable bottles. Yesterday I was the recipient of bottles of Cuervo Gold, Johnny Walker Black and Sambuca. Apparently this largess will continue ad infinitum.

I am doomed.

 

I neglected to add today's agenda - beer on the beach, followed by grilled porterhouse steaks, fresh corn, and a bottle of cabernet.

Going to work tomorrow will be difficult.

 

The fiance's rich family threw our engagement party last night. They fed me Corona and Maker's Mark. I'm used to Natural Light and Evan Williams. I think this means they like me.

Also, I am still drunk. And drinking again. That is all.

 

Jesus what a saturday. Started with my buddy coming down with steak and a case of beer, another buddy showing up with beer and steak, and what was supposed to be a quiet evening. It turned into two of us having a contest to see who who could fart the the third guy out of the room. We made him get up and go outside like 5 times. I laughed so hard I actually threw up a little bit. Then I got a text from a girl who randomly "friended" me on facebook last week that simply said "123 Fake St. Houseparty. I'm drunk and horny, come by". Since the address was like 5 minutes from my house, I went over. Twice in the friends basement and again back at my place. It was almost 6 when we finally went to sleep this morning. I think I like this chick, and I'm fucking spent. Still a little drunk too..

 

So I was sitting out on the deck yesterday drinking beer, listening to music, and looking out at the bay when a random group of girls walks by the front of my house. They went down to the water for some pics and on their way back one hollers up at me, "so, what's there to do around here?" I say, "you're doin' it." A few minutes later they come walking back down and stand out on my lawn with a beer for me.

Turns out they were down from San Antone for a bachelorette party and wanted yours truly to show them around town. They instructed me to get cleaned up and upon picking me up thirty minutes later informed me that they were in fact kidnapping me and taking me to Port A. I spent the next four hours bumping and grinding with five girls. After closing time, cue the beach and some skinny dipping for an hour or so. It's great being naked with a bunch girls in the middle of the night splashing around in the ocean.

Didn't close on any but had a great time anyway.

I am fairly certain that this will never happen again.

 

My housemate wants to play a drinking game tonight that has a god probability of ending with one of us vomitiing.

It's a Sunday night.

This is such a horrible idea.

 

No work tomorrow, so just boozing away whilst watching Nip/Tuck. How much do you degenerates drink on average? My weekends normally average 30+ beers (which is in no way a good thing, don't get me wrong), I was just a-wondering.

 

Last night was nothing less than a fucking shit show. In Cuba, I met a chick from Kamloops, so my brother and I stopped by to party it up. Holy, right shit; I wrecked her last night while just being fucking destroyed.

 

This IPA is 9.0%. It tastes like straight alcohol, I like. Going out for this chick's birthday bash at a bar...she's been trying to get serious with me but she's way too young and a ginger to boot. I might make fun of her freckles if the mood catches me right.

 

Mission accomplished, very relaxing weekend with no craziness, just tons of sleep and quality time with the GF. I should be able to put some good gym work in the next 2 days to justify the ensuing 5 day "holy fucking shit why do we do this to ourselves?" binge drinking fiasco that has been my fourth of July weekend in upstate NY for the past three years.

Five days of no internet, no TV, borderline no cell service combined with cliff jumping, booze drinking and just general fucking around on gorgeous lakes and mountains in the 'daks. We'll probably sneak in a Burlington, VT day trip in there is well, couldn't be happier.

 

I just got back from a roller derby bout, and holy hell, I haven't seen that many juicy thighs since the last time I went to KFC!
Bad news: most of the girls on both teams hate me, so I would be cock-blocked across the board, so I didn't even bother going to the after-party at one of my favorite bars. Sigh.
All you have to do is make one girl mad....