Ray Romano Gets Me Laid

I love having this conversation with my friends because their answers so clearly reveal exactly how they are in bed and it's awesome. I now know that I could never have sex with any of my male friends just for funsies because, based on their answers, they're "making love" kind of guys so I know things would just end poorly in so many ways.

I almost always say Mos Def, even though it's rare that I have sex listening to music. My greatest sex soundtrack moment, though, was when I was having a threesome, and my roommate/best friend was a champ because, instead of sitting awkwardly in her room, she decided to DJ the whole thing and blasted music through the wall for us (she knew both of us girls...or else it might've been awkward in the other direction). The only two I remember are Prince's "Black Sweat" and Lady Gaga's "Teeth." Oh and Salt n' Peppa's "What A Man." We all started laughing at that one.

The weirdest sex soundtrack was for sure Donnie Darko. It was my first and only time watching it. I think I got bored. Or maybe it was Jake Gyllenhal. I would like to see that movie all the way through, at some point.

Part of the reason why I stay away from soundtracking, though, is this one reason Emily Gould talks about in her memoir, which was god-awful, but this one part was funny. It really is kind of awkward to pause making out and watching the semi-clothed or ass-naked guy rush over to his laptop and furiously scroll through his iTunes looking for an artist or creating a playlist or something while you're just sitting there uncomfortably on his bed. And then, inevitably, you hate his shitty taste in music but have to pretend to be into it and it's all just a total boner-killer. I'd rather wait until we've been going out for a while and both know what will actually enhance the mood for each other.

 

Would knuckles rapping on a car window count as a sexual soundtrack, or simply background noise?

I had an ex-girlfriend who had the television on every waking moment of every day, and usually had it on all night as well. Around the time I was with her, Blues Traveler's "Runaround" was on heavy rotation on VH-1. Let's just say I'm glad to have the lead apron over me when the loop in the dentists office hits that song.

 

One night I had met this girl at a bar and was driving home with her in the passenger seat. She started giving me road head when this song came on:

I started laughing, and she promptly got up and changed it.

Did the girlfriend to this little toe-tapper not too long ago:

I discovered you can make a game out of it; try to blow your load at the same time the climactic part of the song hits at 8:45.

 

My favorite boning soundtrack was an old-school hip hop playlist on the girl's iPod, a good mix of slow jams and bangers. It was a three-night thing, I haven't seen her in years, and my efforts to recreate that mix have never been quite the same, but a varied mix of '90s hip hop, like a good day on LA's KDAY 93.5, is pure sex magic.

I had one fuckbuddy who came like a volcano whenever I threw on Appetite For Destruction, so nuts to the GnR haters.

With one girlfriend, we watched rented movies in bed and usually ended up fucking, which led to some weird situations, like me getting blown while watching the 1950s French kiddie film The Red Balloon, or us banging while watching Cate Blanchett play Dylan in I'm Not There.

The weirdest one was in college. I'm from the South, and she was from Jersey. She told me she needed to watch Deliverance for a class, so I invited her to my apartment. During the film, she gets more and more frisky until we end up in the bedroom. As we fuck, she quotes the film throughout, and the next morning offers to "pray real good" for me. She ended up dumping me because I had too much work one night and wouldn't come root for her in a wet t-shirt contest.

I can't imagine being able to fuck with Ray Ramano's neuroses in the background. I have a friend who claims he once fucked to a Jerry Seinfeld album, which I always found hilarious, disturbing and incomprehensible.

One of my co-workers used to douche the fuck out of one of her ex-boyfriends for cueing up Kind of Blue. Pretentious, yes, but I felt kind of bad for the dude after awhile. It's hard to guess what kind of music people want to fuck to.

 

Sportcenter is a great show to hump to, you can miss part of it and they will replay it again in 60 minutes, the only time I get a little creeped out is when Stuart Scott does sports center I can't perform because I think his fucked up eye can see through the TV but I do like when he says Booyaa so I just cover my eyes and turn the sound up.

 

Im sure one can only listen to that song if you are having sex with a man.

I like to put this entire AC/DC album on.

 

No mention of Usher yet? Nothing brings you back to the glory days of high school hookups like a little 8701.

 

I remember a little Usher from high school, but it didn't hold a candle to Sisqo's Thong Song. My gf at the time loved that song and, subsequently, thongs.

 

One of the great achievements of my life is having sex to a 90 second guitar solo I recorded earlier in the day. Don't worry ladies- it was on repeat.

Since teaching has had me going to bed earlier and earlier, my recent sexing usually begins on the Daily Show but gets muted or changed to Family Guy when it becomes too distracting.

 

Freshman year of college I had a strange, filthy girlfriend. She liked to fuck while watching/listening/seeing weird shit.* So, one time we ate acid and watched Natural Born Killers. Somehow, we fucked during the movie. I don't know how I got it up nor do I know how I managed to cum. I guess God works in mysterious ways. Praise Jesus.**

I'd like to second NIN's The Downward Spiral. That album can lead to some freaky, angry sex.

Edit:* Oh yeah, she also liked to fuck standing doggy style while she faced a mirror so she could watch herself.

** She's now all Jebus and is married with 4 or 5 kids. She can church it up all she wants, but I know what lies underneath.

 

My last sex playlist consisted of a disproportionate amount of Massive Attack. It also included some Garbage, the Cult, random reggaeton, The Dream and Jedi Mind Tricks. And she wonders why she received clear heels for Christmas....

 

Lupe Fiasco and J. Cole. You're welcome.

 

We don't always play music when making the sexy time, but sometimes it's a good idea since I have roomates.

Pandora works pretty well, I'll just put it on the quick mix and let the tunes roll. It's a bit of a gamble, but so far I haven't had anything weird come up so it's all good.

 

I just realized this because I'm watching an award show on VH1, but Maroon 5 gets me hot. I can't even begin to explain why, but Adam Levine's singing voice drives me crazy. I've never had sex to them, but I've imagined myself doing it while i listen to maroon 5.

 

Once after my now ex-girlfriend had gotten out of jail (one among many reasons she's now my ex) she worked herself up into a slip-n-slide over something and I fucked her on the living room carpet with the theme from the original Mercenaries playing on the TV in the background. I didn't notice it too much, but she did, and so did my brain, because I kept trying to keep up with the rhythm.

For the uninitiated:



I prefer silence. This may be part of the reason why.

 

Portishead, Pinback, MGMT and Bowie stand out on one list and NIN, Tool, AIC, and Bush on another....

 

I'm both confused by the idea of having a regular sex soundtrack, and impressed that you guys remember to put anything on. I mean, yeah, there's songs that make me think of sex. And I do have such a playlist. But I think I've only played it once or twice.

80% of the time I either am too concerned with, well, getting pussy to remember to put on music, and the other 20% of the time, I just figure that "Hey half-naked lady, sit here while I go fiddle with ITunes on my laptop" would be a boner-killer for all involved.

Plus, who doesn't like sex sounds?

But, if I were able to remember to do so, Queens of the Stone Age have some nice selections:






Also, Alison Mossheart and the Dead Weather just drip sex: