My ex-wife's grandmother's advice was "keep his belly full and his balls empty". There's more than a little truth to that.
I just hit up my gf on gchat and was like "Let's talk about hair and the bathroom." My whole thing is I always need the sink wiped down after use. Just leaving hair all willy nilly on the sink is a no go. She just said "Okay" and she will have a brief grace period before I freak out.
While this is true as far as it goes, realize that frequently the biggest fights come after a million tiny papercut transgressions. When you live together, there are a million of these, and no matter how hard you try to woosah and Zen out of it, that shit builds up. All of a sudden you're calling your SO a stupid camelwhore because she never makes the bed in the morning or puts her cereal bowl in the dishwasher. A lot of stress can be avoided by just mutually saying, "Hey, that's kinda annoying, can you stop that?" rather than stewing in silence while they blithely go about their day. Frequently, they genuinely don't know it's annoying. Also, while we all basically agree on what taking the trash out entails, people can have wildly divergent ideas on what qualifies as satisfactorily "cleaning." One person's "where's my goddamn Congressional medal?" is another's "you barely touched anything. Throwing away the magazines on the counter is not cleaning." It's less of a strict gender divide than you'd imagine. Now that it's both of yours, it helps to get kinda on the same page here, preferably somewhere in the middle.
Keeping a sink clean is easy. It is also a code of behaviour. I knew guys in college who NEVER cleaned their sink and their bathrooms looked like crimes against humanity. I mean, how hard is it to rinse shaving scum down the sink? Restaurant napkins stuffed in the toilet paper dispenser? How the fuck did they EVER get laid? I'm rambling, back to hair in the sink: it's easy to clean out what you see. It what you DONT see, and are eventually FORCED to see: every one of her hairs that didn't make it past the drain cage. The sink is bad, the tub /shower is 100x worse. And we lose LOTS of hair every day. Heck, if we only lost one per day it would take probably around 230 years to look like Telly Savalas. And eventually, that creature will block your drain and you, yes YOU will reach down and grab onto this crusted, disgusting parasite that has been soaking in the funk washed off your bodies from the last five years and you will just STARE at it, almost admiring its disgust since this experience is no less like making eye contact with Lucifer himself. This is going to happen, so I suggest either hardening your will or prepare to die a thousand deaths all at once.
Although, just to be a contrary dick: I actually need thirty minutes after I get home from work to decompress and not talk to anyone. If anyone does have the misfortune to talk to me, I try and stay polite but I have an inner monologue going "jesus christ can I just have some time to myself without thinking about anyone else for a second". Of course, I'm habitually single, so take that with a grain of salt.
Separate his/hers sinks are a godsend and well worth the cost. Separate bathrooms even better. That way the issue of using the porcelain facility whist the other is brushing their teeth never comes up. Some folk have no issue with this. Others of us think of this as private time. Work this out beforehand.
People who brush their teeth in the same room while their significant other is taking a dump probably need professional help. How is the bathroom anything but private time? I'm thankful our little house has two baths so there is no issue. One of my closest friends doesn't even close his door when taking a shit. He'll just carry on a conversation like its NOT awkward as hell, to which my response is"You don't even EXIST to me until you're done in there!" He acts like I'm the insane one. However I, and all my friends know that he's in the wrong. They put doors on bathrooms for a reason.
Preach brother, preach. We dont even like to be in the same bathroom together simultaneously if shes brushing her hair and im brushing mine. We just like our space. Unless you count the time when i fucked her on her period and we got blood and poop everywhere. I just count that as a mulligan.
Having separate bathrooms has probably saved our relationship many times over. I'm always ready early and waiting on her when we're due somewhere. She likes to wait until the last minute for everything so her bathroom is always a typhoon of makeup powder, hair spray, and god knows what else. I would lose my mind trying to get ready anywhere near that. We consider that bathroom her space and she can keep it as messy or clean as she likes. Besides, slinging a deuce in your own space far away from the rest of the house is not something to be taken lightly.
Which leads me to another tip: Don't walk in while she's putting on make-up. I can't explain why women don't like this, but they don't like it. Just accept it like that. Perhaps they're insecure about how their jaw magically dislodges when putting on mascara, but the point is you don't walk behind the curtain while the illusionist is still shoving the doves into their suit.
Meh... I've never had a girlfriend/wife that gave a shit about that. Other things, though, for sure. Basically, if they have a hangup about their personal space, respect it.
Yes. You don't have to know why they don't like it, just don't do it.. And they should respect yours back. There has to be a level of tolerance and balance. Don't ask for permission, but don't EVER give orders. You may live together, love each other, trust each other, but you still need your own private life and space. Here's a doozy, and this may cause a shitstorm, but do you believe couples living together should have separate bank accounts? My wife and I have shared one since a week before moving in together but we seem to be in a minority here with people we know and that puzzles me. Nothing causes more domestic disputes than money so I can't imagine how much couples fight when they have separate bank accounts.
I've never shared bank accounts. My wife had her own account, and I'd transfer cash into it every month, like an allowance... but really just an agreement that I'd give her some cash to play with for the month. Hers to do with what she would, no questions asked, me none the wiser about where it went. I paid all the bills, including her credit card, and she never really asked or worried about how much I made, etc. I believe everyone should have "their own do-what-I-want-with-it cash"... even if it's just a slice out of the communal accounts. You need to be able to spend some cash without having to justify it to anyone, or else you build resentment.
I guess it's a to-each-their-own thing. Of course, from your post you sound like you provided really well. But when you having people who are NOT good with money (shopaholics, gamblers, etc.) I can imagine that makes for a lot of heated debate.
This is where so many people get confused by the "communication is key" message in relationships. It's not talking about your day at work or mundane shit like that that is being referred to... it's getting to the key issues that have to be identified and addressed in a relationship, like brushing one's teeth while the other is taking a shit, or finances, etc. You HAVE to be able to meet those issues head on, in a rational, mature manner, and come up with an understanding between the two of you, if you want your marriage or relationship to last. Ideally, there is NOTHING you should not be able to bring up with your significant other to discuss without getting all pissy at each other.
I have to agree with this, things like finances, which is one of the big things couples fight about, need to be discussed prior to entangling your lives together. Is it a bit uncomfortable potentially? Sure, you're all in that 'Wow, I really like you and when we live together we're going to be soooooo happy and have wonderful sex with unicorns and midgets looking on with contented looks on their faces' and the whole 'yo, bitch, how you spend yous money' conversation comes up and you're all like 'yo, hookers and blow, the rest I waste' and she's like 'ok.' Problem solved. Seriously though, finances, where you're going to live, what career choices you're going to make in a given situation, how you're handling holidays (her parents/your parents/your kids/her kids/etc.) those are all huge. Better to know you're having a relationship with someone that would leave for Africa if their dream job came up now, rather than, say, when you've got 3 kids together and a house. These conversations can be a bit strange, and hypothetical, but you find out a lot about each other in having those conversations - how they handle disagreement, what they really care about, etc. The whole 'you leave dishes in the sink' things, while annoying, pale in comparison to the big concerns.
Building on the communication thing a little more... People seem to argue/fight to win the disagreement instead of gain understanding. I dated a girl a while back who would say whatever she had to in order to gain the upper hand so she could "win". Learning how to fight the correct way goes a long way in keeping the relationship alive. I don't understand fighting dirty and taking advantage of personal insecurities. You have to see them again or even live in the same house. Name calling, personal insults, condescension...you can't undo some of that shit. I never really had any relationship last more than several months when I was in my 20's. Shit would always just go sideways. Well, I had been dating a girl and we were arguing and at the end, or shall I say beginning of a new argument, she said this gem... "Now I know why all your past relationships were a complete failure and you got dumped." But that wasn't her breaking up with me. It was her being a cunt.
Agreed. When you learn to fight correctly, any disagreement you have with your partner becomes less a fight, and more a discussion about how to deal with an issue. A key point to consider is not to launch surprise attacks on someone. If your husband has friends over, don't give him shit about something while he's having his fun. If your wife just got home from a hard day at work, give her a few minutes to unwind before you confront her with something. Pick your battles, and for fuck sakes, keep personal shit personal. Don't ever launch into things while in a group setting. Doesn't do anyone any good.