Unless my gf takes a shit on this upcoming interview she has on Tuesday, all signs are pointing to getting a job back in Chicago and we'll be moving in together June 1st. I'll be 28 in June and this will be my first time having a roommate since '08, and have never lived with a girlfriend. Hell this is my longest relationship to date. Now I'm really excited, and while I was at her current place for two weeks, we actively tried to talk about things we know are habits and preferences, but we all know you can't be prepared for everything. Focus: What did you wish you knew going into living with your SO? What surprising things did you learn afterwards? Did you guys talk much about what it would be like living together beforehand? Did that conversation translate into reality? Alt-Focus: Co-habitation horror stories, shit that went wrong as soon as you moved in. Gross/weird/fucked-up habits you witnessed that you couldn't believe were the person you've been smitten with. Alt-Alt-Focus: For the newbies/former lurkers that never shared any good (see: bad) roommate stories. *Need this cleaned up a bit, I'm in a weird mindset now and can't shop this up to be more clever.
What her sleeping habits actually were. Sounds weird, I know, but when we were dating - if I stayed over, which is rare as I hate sleeping in bed with someone else, she was always up fairly early. There was also no TV in her bedroom. I have issues (and have all my life) with insomnia. I also am an atypically early riser. I also wish I had known how much she liked clutter. She likes to lay in bed until the last possible minute. Last week, she didn't have to work until 2 p.m. She didn't get out of bed until noon. Weekends are typically the same. Unfortunately, I am an early riser and try to get things done early, which is VERY hard to do when you're trying to be quiet. She also watches TV in bed, which I despise. I don't like tv's in the bedroom. The amount of crap that accumulates on flat surfaces around my apartment also drives me nuts, as I hate clutter. She's not dirty at all, I just mean piles of papers, clothes, etc. on every flat surface. I am a bit of a neat freak. We did, and by and large, we get along very well from a living space perspective. We're very respectful of each other's things and privacy. Other than the sleep/clutter thing, it's a very amicable existence. I imagine she was a really good roommate to have in college. I wish the sleep thing would change, because I've tried like hell to sleep later, but I never can seem to sleep past 6:15 a.m. ever.
This is all you need to know to have a happy co-habitable relationship. I probably pay an extra $1000 a month in rent more than I need to simply to have an extra bedroom so FutureWife and I can spread out a bit. We have a bed in there and a desk where I do my work and I can shut the door as needed or crash in there if I want to take a nap. Its worth every penny. The shoes. My God, the shoes. They're everywhere. In the living room, in the bedroom, in the entry hall. Everywhere. I want to cry right now just thinking about it. Also, when we first moved in together, she had a weird bout with night terrors. She would wake up screaming that someone was in the room, or that there were spiders on the bed or something. I would naturally freak the fuck out only to learn she was dreaming. Those have since stopped thankfully. A word of advice for people who are having their SO move in with them (as opposed to finding a new place together): Youll have to accept the fact that its going to be their place too and things are going to change from the way you normally have it. You have let them make it their place as well. Im not talking about turning your place upside down, but you have to give in a bit. Shortly after FutureWife first moved in to our old place back in Connecticut she broke down and cried because she felt like it was just my place and it wasnt her home because I would complain about every little thing she wanted to alter. She was absolutely right. I was being a dick about it and wasnt letting her "move in" and make it hers. Soon as I realized that, she made the place better and felt more comfortable.
I wish I knew my wife, if you wake her from a sleep, wakes up screaming. I don't know why the hell she does this, but it got to a point where it started to get on my nerves because she's never had a reason to feel unsafe. In twelve years, it has not died down even in the slightest.
My advice would be to sit down together and make a list of things that you each expect/want done on a daily basis. I hate clutter, especially in the bedroom. She hates to take out the trash. We recently sat down and wrote out a chore list. I handle the trash, keep the deck swept, make the bed everyday, handle finance issues, maintain the boats, etc. She dusts and mops (two things I hate to do), keeps the bedroom and our closet neat, wipes down kitchen counters, and other basic cleaning. With her being naturally more messy and me more OCD about picking up after myself this trade off has worked surprisingly well. We each feel the other is equally contributing to keeping our living space at a level we both enjoy. I only wish we'd done this sooner and avoided some pretty nasty arguments. Oh, and get yourself a iRobot Roomba if possible. We got one as a wedding gift and that little thing is great for the tumbleweeds of dog hair that we were having to sweep up daily.
I highly recommend to people moving in together for the first time to move into a place that's new to both of you, that way the "I'm just visiting your place" feeling isn't there.
Two things that are very important: 1) Communicate, communicate, communicate. 2) Know going in that you will do things differently, and respect those differences. If it is difficult to live comfortably with the other person's difference, use communication and respect to try and work it out. And don't be afraid to think outside the box to come up with solutions. Just because a solution may fall outside of the societal norm doesn't mean it is wrong. If it works and you both are happy, who cares what other people think.
Muse-like advice. Get a place BOTH of you can start fresh in and call your own. There's no feeling of invasion or bullshit arguments about what it was like before he/she moved in. It's just a plain good idea to have a clean slate you can agree on from the start. Tolerance is a key issue. You both had your own lives before living together, and you need to accept the fact their friends are still their friends so don't ever, fucking EVER give your partner the "It's either THEM or ME" bullshit gutcheck. And don't tolerate it if they give that shit to you. It's not cool to demand a person entirely, not at all.
I will second the moving into a new place. My wife moved into a home I had owned for ten years. The first twenty years she lived with me were pretty tough as I kept thinking "Hey you are messing with my house."
We both came from failed first marriages so we were both a bit prickly and from that experience had a lot of things we wanted to resolve before moving in together. E.g., money! It is often said couples have more fights about money than anything else. So, lots of talking. It turned out we were both savers as opposed to spenders (very important to be on the same track here) and were both bargain hunters (though she a bit more than me). We both worked and so set up a joint bank account for household expenses and each had a separate checking account. We split the joint expenses 50/50 and kept what was left separate. We could each spend our separate money any way we wanted to and agreed that any substantial or unusual joint expenses would be discussed before being incurred. I write all the checks for joint expenses and she reconciles the accounts so we both know where the money went. This has worked well for us and we have had very few dust-ups over the years about money matters, mostly when she loaned her (and sometimes our) money to one or another of her relatives. I do wish I knew how big-hearted she was. So, yes - communicate!
It's not so much something that I wish I knew beforehand, but my god does my boyfriend (lived together for 7 years, been together for 8) pick his toenails. And it's loud! Watching TV, all I can hear is *click, click, click* as he tries to pry his toenails off with his fingers. So annoying.
How stinky his feet are. Seriously. Goddamn. I learned that he really loves cooking - and uses every. dish. in the house. Then says "I cooked you get to clean!" I've since learned to clean as he's cooking. It makes the kitchen a bit tight but - I'd rather do it as he's going than try to clean up the mess after he's finished. We never talked about it - it just happened. We were spending so much time together and it just evolved. All you mother fuckers who talk to one another or are in the same room with your partner while pooping - y'all some weird bitches.
This. To this day, If she is asleep and I walk into the bedroom, she sits bolt upright in bed, gasping, and yelling "Who's there?! What's going on!?"
Yep, same here. I'm afraid to get up to go to the bathroom because I know when I come back I'll get this reaction. Next day she won't remember a thing.
It's crazy how exact both of yours are compared to mine. Is this a weird female thing, like when their cycles sync up from being roommates? Last night I get home from class, the doorknob creeks slightly "WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT?!?!?!" You think I ran in the room swinging a splitting maul. This morning, fucking amnesia. Never happened.
My mom has done it ever since I can remember. You think it's bad as an adult waking them? Try it as a child waking up your mother. It has to be a female thing, I've also dated a few women that do it as well.
Well she got the job and it is happening. I'm pumped. Definitely looking for a two bedroom apartment, already getting prices to have two DVRs, and we're going to have two TVs. So we're going to be covered in all of that. She doesn't do any weird sleeping habits. Interestingly enough we have adopted that cook and clean process of doing dishes. Definitely need to sit down and talk about daily cleaning habits. Thanks for that guys. Good advice on the moving in thing. She's going to be here a month before we get a place. We'll definitely be looking for a place together and we agree on a lot of things.
This isn't really "cohabitation" advice, but important nonetheless. Just because you are now living together, don't give up your separate lives. You guys are going to see much more of each other than you are used to. Make sure each of you have time to breath and pursue your interests. Alone.
Hair everywhere and it gets in the weirdest spots. Before my morning piss I've unwrapped an 18" long blonde hair from around my cock. For the first month we were in the house together she would shit without the fan on. Her reasoning: "then you'll what I'm doing in there." My response: "I know exactly what you're doing in there because it smells like a sewer when I have to take a piss after you're done." I even made a meme about it.