"Put on something sexy, we're going to Red Lobster."

You thought baked chicken breast, steamed broccoli, and bland rice constituted an acceptable supper. Four or more days per week.

You assumed that I would give up a career and work wherever to support us while you were in law school because "I'm going to make far more than you. You owe me this."

 

- You think "cleaning" involves my participation

- You say "excuse me" after I fart in my house. It's my fucking house. I got it specifically so I can do whatever the fuck I want in it.

- You move my tools. If you don't know what they are and what they're used for, you don't know where they go. Don't touch. My. Shit.

 

I can beat you in a fight.

You take longer to get ready than I do. 5 minutes, homie.

You make an account on this board to see what I've written about you.

 

This. This has happened to me.

 

You ask me questions about a movie we're watching for the first time.

You made me camp out with you for Lillith Fair tickets

You roll your eyes whenever I ask you "What are you rolling your eyes at?"

Your psoriasis makes our bed look like a dusty haunted mansion.

 

Your vagina smells like the inside of a septic tank at a dog food factory, and when I bring it up you tell me it's actually my penis that smells.
Yeah, strange how it only smells like that when I'm fucking you.

 

Looked at me funny.

 

The Fucking Chronicles (all true and unabridged)

A mere two weeks after moving for a job transfer, and approximately 4 days after I've seen you last, you call me to ask if I'm fucking anyone else yet.

After being engaged for a year, you tell me you need some space. When we finally do go out again, you spend a portion of our "date" buying a gift for the guy you're fucking.

During the prelude to fucking, you regale me with tales of the size of your ex-boyfriend's penis. (TWICE as long as mine since you're asking.)

 

Are you dating Frank, Winterbike, or one of the other paleo-terrorists? (Paleo-terrorists is my new favourite word. It conjures images of neanderthals practicing asymmetrical warfare, and rendering enemy combatants from foreign tribes to hidden caves for enhanced interrogation.)

Focus: you faked a pregnancy scare, refused to use the pregnancy test we bought at midnight, then wanted to have sex.
You fly interstate to stay with me, I book $700 worth of accommodation in a resort town, and you go camping with another guy and don't return.
You invited me to fly interstate and stay with you, and then snorted too many lines and disappeared while I was in transit. (These two were the same girl. Damn, but I was into her.)
You fail to disclose the fact you have an STI despite multiple conversations on the topic, and then push for unprotected sex. (Thank you St. Cayetano for the negative test results I just received. Totally worth today's hangover after many celebratory drinks last night.)

Great thread topic by the way, I have been highly entertained by everyone else's misfortune.

 

Justify random dudes calling you at all hours by saying a lot of the dancers give their number to regulars.

Fuck other people while I'm at basic paying your bills.

When I call you Betty you don't call me Al. You don't call me Al.

 

In the middle of a deployment I called you to tell you about how we just lost three of our guys in one day, and you cut me off mid sentence:
"Did you cry?"
"Uh, yeah. I did."
"Aww, I wanna see you cry."
You couldn't really comprehend why this rubbed me the wrong way, and I went on to tell you about how I'm going through some serious shit right now and you could at least pretend to give a fuck.
You then explained to me about how I don't understand what you are going through. Like you know, how you have to deal with a boyfriend being overseas and that's harder than actually being over there...

*click*

 

You rolled your eyes at me for ordering hot chocolate and then made a big show over ordering your coffee black.

You actually referred to yourself as a "model slash actor" and, despite your modelling being for catalogs and your acting being for community theater, you gave Sean Penn a run for his money with your obnoxiousness, like sending your dinner back to the kitchen three times at a low-end restaurant.

You kissed like this:



You squealed "OH MY GOD. IS THIS ANAL?" when you were just banging me from behind.

You decided a great time to work on some freestyle rap was immediately after we were done having sex. You were white.

Your dad was part of the mob.

You wet my bed.

You said something anti-Semitic, and your defense in your apology was that I was "too pretty to be Jewish."

You said something racist about me. And it was the wrong race.

You're married.


I'm never dating again.

 

You argued with me at length about whether to break the spaghetti in half or put it in the pot whole. Then when I said I didn't care either way you became more aggravated.

When you were reading Things Fall Apart you highlighted all the words you didn't know to increase your vocabulary. You must have went through three highlighters before finishing. Also, the words you selected included clamor and abomination.

When we were at Ruby Falls the tour guide joked that the explorers found flat screen televisions when the cave was first excavated in the '20s. You thought she was being serious and I had to explain to you in front of everyone that it was a joke.

You asked me whether my friend was going to North or South Korea to teach English. When I gave a sarcastic response you imploded.

You didn't tell me you were dating someone else the first night we hooked up. I was real happy when I found out about that.

You used sex as a token and I was dumb enough to go for it.

You showed up to meet me at the restaurant and after we were done eating you pretended you forgot your bank cards at home. This happened more than once. This is also after other occasions you had money on you and I offered to pay just because I liked you. When I pointed this out you gave me a sheepish grin. How many other guys did you blow before you came here? This is why we are no longer dating, not because I'm insensitive and inconsiderate, which is the point you tried to drive home in your inane whore rambling.

You called members of my family after we broke up. I don't even know where the fuck you got their phone numbers. Did you steal them off my phone while I was in shower in preparation for future craziness?

Yeah, I should have given up on the entire ordeal by now, but I don't like myself very much.

 

You don't even lift.

 

You're an armchair, weekend warrior feminist and you only choose to enforce your beliefs when its convenient for you.

 

You told me God gave my brother a brain tumor because God doesn't give people anything they can't handle. Sweet. In the meantime God gave you a now ex-boyfriend because you can handle it. Enjoy.

 

Because when you went to the bathroom at 8:30 AM after I got out of the shower, and I started to play a video game (assuming you were going to shower) you gave me a death stare. "I shower at night!", you banshee howled at me, "I didn't come here to watch you play video games!" Sorry I didn't know your schedule, I thought you might be going to wash the three-times-in-the-middle-of-the-night sex funk off.

Which was the last straw, because despite your two (2!) doctorates, you couldn't figure out how to get through a day, let alone a weekend, without picking a fight with me.

 

Yeah I've dated that type of crazy too

 

You insist that 'My Little Pony' is geared more towards adults, and that I "shouldn't be so narrow-minded."

Guys like girls who are into other girls, but you are REALLY into other girls.

I've heard you describe edible things as "divine" without any trace of irony.

Yes, he can fly and shoot lasers out of his eyes. That's because he's from Krypton. WHY WON'T YOU ACCEPT THAT?!

There really is a country called Turkey. I promise.

Why does it matter what your friends will think? Mine will think I'm awesome for it, so everything would even out.

Dogs are friends, not accessories.

No matter how many times you attempt to tell me otherwise, peach is not a color, and tomatoes are not fruits. Fruits are delicious.

 

I stopped caring.