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Primary Breadwinner Thread

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Revengeofthenerds, Jul 11, 2013.

  1. tweetybird

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    Re: Thread Suggestion Thread

    This is us.

    When I was 25 I got access to my trust fund and it's the kind of thing that's not at an empire building level, but if I'm not a moron about spending I can never work again and continue to grow my wealth.

    I worked (and lived on the nonprofit salary alone) from 22-26. Got my MBA on grandma's dime (she voluntarily and with great pleasure paid for all education from high school up for all her grandkids) from 26-28. Have not worked since and I'm 31.

    I had planned to go back into the nonprofit sector after business school, but got really discouraged that I was basically being interviewed for the same job I had pre-MBA. My husband, who came from nothing and now makes a great salary, was actually the one who suggested I bag the job search altogether. That has in turn freed up my time to commit to volunteer work I love, and now I'm actually working on starting my own business. None of this would have happened if I had stuck with my traditional career.

    He has no problem with it. In fact, he thinks is pretty great. He always says that he doesn't care if I'm tchnically working as long as I'm happy and feel fulfilled. Plus, he hasn't had to do laundry or run errands for himself in 3 years, and usually gets picked up from work. I think he's able to rationalize it because major purchases (house, car) happen because of my money but because I'm pretty conservative about how much money I withdraw from my trust, he's the one who pays for our lifestyle.

    We have very similar lifestyle and spending priorities, so we just have discussions, not arguments, about money. We actual started out with yours/mine/ours accounts, but have now consolidated because its just easier and quite frankly with him managing everything I spend less on ridiculous shit like an order a month of things on sale at J. Crew that I don't really need.
     
  2. The Village Idiot

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    Re: Thread Suggestion Thread

    My wife makes about 13x what I make a year. My wife has always made more than me, even when we were both practicing law - she still made double what I made. Going back to pharmacy resulted in a huge pay raise from law for her. Leaving law resulted in a huge cut in pay for me.

    We've had the discussion. Ultimately, I don't really care that she makes more than me, but I do think she cares (though she doesn't admit it). My earning potential is such that it would be a one in a million shot that I would make more than her.

    I end up doing everything around the house, which is perfectly fine, I'm happy to do it. I also end up working about 20 hours a week (to her 37.5). Maybe in future generations, it will become more accepted that a woman makes more than a man (as of now, a lot of women I know make more than their husbands). I'm not sure that with my generation the acceptance of that fact is there.

    If someone 30 or younger asked me about getting married, and they were worried because the woman made more, I'd probably tell them I don't think it's really going to be an issue.

    If someone over 30 asked? I'd tell them think long and hard about it. More than likely, it's going to lead to problems, as people that age (myself included) haven't necessarily accepted on a fundamental level that women making more than men is as common in the current workplace as men making more than women (which is a good thing).

    Like any social change, it takes a bit for the people to catch up to 'the new normal.'
     
  3. Parker

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    Re: Thread Suggestion Thread

    I would no be bothered in the least. Frankly I'm fucking tired of the girls I'm running into (which is a lot of them, from all over the country, ages, ethnicity etc) just expecting that the guy is going to make the bank because "That's just how it is and that is how it should be!" Fuck that noise, I'd be a trophy husband in a second. Take care of the house, focus on fitness, make sure all the bills are paid, clothes are washed and dinner is ready. I'd probably learn whatever little stock market things I can do work from home, but about damn time this shit evens out. Let's get to real equality damn it.
     
  4. manbehindthecurtain

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    Re: Thread Suggestion Thread

    My wife is going to basically increase her income 5-10x over the next ten years now that her medical training is almost over. This is going to outstrip my earnings level pretty quickly and I'm ok with it.

    Hard part is knowing that future earnings stream is likely very high and still worrying about saving and investing now.
     
  5. toytoy88

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    Re: Thread Suggestion Thread

    My ex earned 2X what I did, she was in the low 6 figures. I had no problem with it other then the fact that she spent all our combined income and then some. When we split up after 7 years together, we were over $1M in debt. I was still driving the same car I entered into the relationship with and left with my clothes and my bird. I was earning $55-60K a year and had nothing to show for those 7 years because I quit claimed everything over to her, including the bills.

    She had to remarry within a year because her $100K + a year couldn't cover the bills. As soon as she remarried she went out and financed a new $80K Lexus. Now her spending is someone else's problem.
     
  6. audreymonroe

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    Re: Thread Suggestion Thread

    My ideal situation is that we both make more or less the same amount of money. Even though I like to surround myself with modern ladies, I'm still one of the few - if not only - girl I know who actively doesn't want a relationship with and/or to marry a guy who's much wealthier than me. Of course, I'm not going to be like "Oh, well, I've fallen in love with you but you're rich, so we can't get married," but I really don't like the idea. I'm very uncomfortable with spending other people's money, and I hate the idea of my relationship having any kind of paternalistic slant to it (which is also why I tend not to like much older guys) which is bound to happen if he's paying for all my shit. And if I wasn't mooching off him all the time, I'd just feel like there would be this huge gap and inequality between us, and I'd feel guilty and upset that I couldn't afford to keep up with and participate in his lifestyle. I dated a guy for a few months who wasn't exactly rich or anything - he just had a salary and I, well, didn't - and he paid for everything which just meant dinners and movie tickets, not rent and vacations, and while it admittedly does feel nice to be treated to things now and then even that low-level of money inequality made me so uneasy.

    My dad has half-jokingly expressed his disappointment in my not inheriting the Jewish girl's desire to marry rich, and likes to remind me that there are a couple of doctors living in New York too whenever I tell him about the latest artist I have a crush on. It's like he doesn't have faith in me ever buying him a Jaguar off of book sales, or something. Don't get me wrong, it would be awesome to have (access to) a lot of money, and I do have expensive taste and all, but I'd rather get there on my own.

    I'm less uncomfortable with the idea of me making more money, but I also don't want to be the one paying for everything, so.
     
  7. effinshenanigans

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    For the past two years, my fiance and I have earned roughly the same income. For the past three months, though, she has been the primary--and only--bread winner, as I haven't had a paying job since the beginning of May. Starting on Monday, I will finally start getting paid in my new role and I will be making at least 50% more than I used to, and likely more than that.

    For my part, I couldn't care less if she earned more or I did. As long as we're on the same page with our financial goals and spending habits--which we always have been--then it isn't an issue. That said, it's a point of pride for me that I'm going to be able to provide for my future wife/family in the way that I will be able to. That because of what I'll be making, my fiance can feel confident going back to school to get her masters while acting as a long term sub in a public school system--something that we could not have afforded for her to do previously. That's awesome, and I really feel like I've accomplished something meaningful because of that.

    For her part, at least what she's said to me, she's proud and excited and glad that this will mean greater opportunities for us. She's a teacher, so she has always thought that my career path will mean greater income potential than hers. She has never vocalized that she has a problem with that--though, she does wish that she made more money to chop away at her student loans more aggressively.
     
  8. BrianH

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    My wife makes a ton more money than me, and it is awesome. The money we both make is "our" money. I still handle the finances (mostly).

    If this threatens you, you are a pussy. "Emasculation" is a personal problem, not a real one.
     
  9. Juice

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  10. Frebis

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    I sincerely wish that my wife made 10x more than I do. That way we would have more money! Better vacation, a better home, better whatever. Some of you people are an insecure bunch.

    My ultimate goal in life was to become a househusband. Seriously, I sit around all day. Put some laundry in the washer. Drink a bloody marry or two. Take a nap. Put laundry in dryer. Cook dinner. Fold Laundry. Then sprinkle in a few hours of cleaning twice a week, and you have the job down pat. Once kids come along, it is only slightly more difficult until they get to preschool age, when you get your free time back.

    This opinion may be because I define myself by what I do in my free time, and not by my desk job. More money means more awesome things to do with that free time. No matter who in the fuck is making it.
     
  11. katokoch

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    I could handle that. My girlfriend and I have discussed this and depending on how things end up, her income could enable me to pursue my dream job in the future- turning my hobby into a full time venture, working in a shop attached to our home. It would not be a high income venture, but I would be doing something I'm passionate about and that beats the hell out of this damn cubicle I'm sitting in. Thankfully she understands this and is very supportive of me and my goals.

    I would not want us to depend solely on her income and drain our savings with my small business (hell no, then I'd be shutting down and returning to full-time employment) but I think there's a chance the house dad thing would work.
     
  12. toddamus

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    Apparently in my family its normal for the wife to be the bread winner. My sister-in-law makes more than my brother, my sister more than her husband. Seeing where my career going it may be the same for me. I think any guy who is worried about his wife making more than him is pretty insecure. I can see if there was a vast difference why that may cause an issue, but I think for women too that might be an issue, if say you're both working 40 hour work weeks and the guy is making significantly more than the women (for most sane women anyway).
     
  13. toytoy88

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    Hahahahahaha. Your naivety is adorable.
     
  14. Frebis

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    I was unemployed for a couple of months back in 2007. I know the lifestyle already! I also forgot to add playing golf with all the retired old people every morning to the schedule above.
     
  15. StayFrosty

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    My boss makes six figures as store manager and gets to go play golf whenever he damn well pleases. Now that's something I could happily live with, even if it does mean a solid 50 a week.
     
  16. Jason Mc

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    I don't have anything new or interesting to post to this thread topic - but you guys called out the lurkers so here we are.

    I make significantly more than my girlfriend. When we moved in together it was more or less agreed that I would pick up most of the leisure activities: movies, booze, restaurant tabs, etc. but that we weren't combining finances. She pays half the rent/utilities, helps with groceries, etc. It gets sticky when she wants to go on vacation, she would like me to cover it all but she doesn't have a good grasp on how much that actually is. She doesn't like the budget conversations that stem from that.

    Long term, I will make more than her as long as I am in my current career. However, she is about to finish her PhD, after a few years in post docs she is going to step up financially herself. There is a possibility down the road I may switch careers or find something more laid back and fulfilling and she could make more than me. If that happens, so be it we'll have already combined finances by then anyway.

    Just dating, I would be intrigued to date someone who made more than me. It happened a couple times in college, nothing serious but it was pretty cool having a weekend together and her sending me back to school stocked with snack food only an undergrad can appreciate.

    Long term goal: I want to be a retired, happy drunk. I want a few acres (3..10) with no neighbors in sight, preferably not even in yelling distance. I want a few dogs, some chickens, a decent sized garden. I basically want to go back to my childhood, except wealthy this time.
     
  17. GcDiaz

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    FOCUS: Wife makes more money than me. She graduated college, and found lucrative work in her chosen career field. I did not do either of those things, but because I'm so good at accepting my choices in life, this discrepancy doesn't bother me in the least. Still, there is that Male Ego(tm) to think about so despite her higher income, I ensure that all mutual bills (mortgage, utils, whatever we both have a stake in) are split right down the middle. Exceptions are made once in a while, the accounts balanced at some later date. I will die of overtime poisoning before I become a "kept man". Blame the Latin upbringing.

    But of course if I made more than she did then I'd have no problem paying a larger share of the total expenses. Eh, what are you gonna do?
     
  18. MoreCowbell

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    This was a while ago, but I have dated someone much wealthier than me. The word "breadwinner" didn't really apply since we were both students, but I assume some of the feelings translate.

    There is something distinctly uncomfortable to me about having a person spend a lot of money on you. I can't really tell what proportion of this feeling was gendered, since I am as a whole bad at receiving gifts that I feel like I did nothing to deserve and/or aren't reciprocal (even from family members). Viewed from her perspective, there was nothing off about it: she wanted to do certain things, and would prefer to do them while surrounded by friends and/or her significant other, so she'd pay if necessary. But constantly having her pay for fancy dinners, hotel rooms, plane tickets, concerts, etc. made me feel inferior in a way that was new to me. Was this because I was emasculated, or merely because I don't like attention or charity? I don't know. I did my best to ignore this because it is a clearly irrational feeling, but it's hard to get over feeling like someone's charity case.
     
  19. Misanthropic

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    For long time, the Mrsanthropic and I made about the same base salary. It became kind of a friendly competition each time one of us got a raise and the lead traded hands. Over the last few years, she has reduced her work hours from full to part time, so I've pulled ahead in this regard.

    However, she gets stock options and bonuses, compensation not available to me. Combined with her base salary, she makes more by a wide margin.

    Do I care? Why would I? I have a very good salary and a well-established, useful career. Her large income allows us to be way ahead of the curve on saving for retirement or Missanthropic's college. And her career means I don't have to panic every time "changes within the company" are mentioned with regard to my job. But I probably will panic anyhow.
     
  20. bewildered

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    Since I am essentially unemployed then yes, he makes more. It doesn't bother me overall, but reading this thread made me think about it more.

    Any money made is "our money" and just goes into the general pot. I take care of all the bills, errands, housekeeping, cooking, and dog. I sort of make it my job to be as thrifty as possible--where I am not making much money, I try to save money to lessen the gap a little. There is however a little bit of guilt there about spending money on myself. I am slowly accumulating nicer/business casual clothes for my hopeful future job back home, but I do it by shopping at Salvation Army, or Goodwill, or the clearance rack at Ross. This week, the dermatologist suggested a procedure not covered by insurance that is cosmetic in nature. It's $150/session and I'd probably need 2 sessions, which isn't a terribly large amount of money since the results are permanent. I would be more attractive and probably more hire-able. But it is cosmetic, and I felt a huge amount of guilt just bringing it up to el husband. He wants me to do what I want to do and put no pressure at all on me one way or another. He really is great in every regard.

    Other than that one example, that is the only time my lack of income has really bothered me. I have time to thrift shop and enjoy cooking as much as I do (which is a helluva lot), so I am happy with everything else.