credit: caseykasem I'm currently dating a woman who is much more successful and higher-earning than I am. This doesn't bother me; we have different career goals and the issue of her making more than me never comes up in our relationship, but this is the first time I've dated (and could see myself marrying) someone who makes more money than me. Focus: Who is the primary breadwinner in your marriage/relationship? Sub Focus: For the guys: Would it bother you if your girlfriend/wife/significant other made more money than you? For the ladies: Would it bother you if your boyfriend/husband/significant other made less money than you? Why?
Re: Thread Suggestion Thread Yeah it would bother me, it's emasculating. As immature and insecure as it is, it's true. She does pretty well but I'm glad I make more. We're not married, so it's not really a breadwinner type of situation. We make our own money and spend it accordingly. We even talked about having separate checking accounts when we get married.
Re: Thread Suggestion Thread My wife makes twice as much as I do. There's not much to it, she's a stockbroker. I never even wince at it, and it's never been something of my concern.
Re: Thread Suggestion Thread I don't really care which one of us makes more money. Over the course of our relationship, we've gone from making about the same, to her putting me through school, to me putting her through school. Really, though, I still worked in school so I was helping out a lot. This is the first time we've been in a situation where I'm making a very decent amount of money and she's making essentially nothing. It bothers her, not so much because I'm making more, but because she feels like she's not even contributing. She'll have her PhD when she's done, and if she pursues that path, could easily out-earn me. That'd be okay - I don't place much of my identity in my earning potential. I want to make enough to contribute, enough that I can treat us to dinners sometimes, buy presents for her on my dime, have a little play money... but if she's bringing home a bigger paycheck at the end of the day, I can't see that bothering me.
Re: Thread Suggestion Thread I dated a girl who had been to Afghanistan as a contractor four times, so she had a fuckton of money in the bank. I just never thought about it. I paid for dinners and stuff, she'd pay for movies, we basically just never talked about money. If we'd ever lived together I guess we would have, but I don't really see it as a problem. I guess I'm secure in what I make, and if she is too, then it's warm fuzzies all around. I do find it amusing the traditional bias that's built into this thread. Women are asked how comfortable they are with a man who makes less than them, and men a woman who makes more. The opposite questions could just as easily be asked.
Re: Thread Suggestion Thread No man in the history of civilization has felt insecure about making more than a woman. There is your only answer.
Re: Thread Suggestion Thread Right now my wife is the "breadwinner". She finishes her Associates Degree next week and has already been on a job interview for an ass kicking job. She has been working for the last few months bringing in a little bit of money at a crappy throw away job. I have been unemployed for the last 2 years. Before that I had an ass kicking job making a really decent salary. Now I'm in school to be an LPN and she insists after I finish that I move on to R.N. At first it bothered me a little that I was not contributing to the family like I should but I'm over it. It really doesn't matter. Money is money, and aside from being able to be comfortable and pay your bills, who brings it home means nothing. We have shared a bank account since we moved in together 12 years ago and nearly every time we go shopping for something, when we get to the check out one of us makes the same joke every time; even when we are both working. "Your paying this time." I'm sick of you spending all my money." we have a fake argument just to see the reaction of the person checking us out, and we laugh about it every time.
Re: Thread Suggestion Thread Well, I used to make more money. Now I make nothing. It doesn't matter, my partner isn't a dick about it, gives me money in the event I ask with no question.
Re: Thread Suggestion Thread It doesn't bother me in the least. When I was a few years out of college, I was in a shitty job being way underpaid and I was dating a girl who was 2 years older and a speech pathologist at a private practice. She was making 2-3 times more than me easily. And she understood it and had no problem paying for stuff, there were no gender roles to adhere to. I know girls I went to college with that are accountants and lawyers, making very good money and they are/were dating guys who were teachers, worked for non-profits, etc... and they still insisted that they guy paid out of some bullshit sense of chivalry or something. It was inane. Oddly enough, aforementioned ex-gf, when we broke up, she cited my view of future professional success, at least partially, in monetary terms as something she wasn't comfortable with and thought I was misguided. It was odd. Moving forward, I'm currently in a great job where I do well for myself and, continuing on this path, should be in a position to make a good chunk of money in the next 5-10 years and beyond. If I'm in a position where a girl is making more than me, it means she's done well for herself and is also killing it financially. That's an attractive quality. It would be different if I was making $30K a year and she was making $250K, but if both partners are in similar brackets or both doing well, I don't know why people would care. I wonder if the same people would give a shit if they married a woman who came from lots of family money. Some of the most ambitious and successful men have only had that made possible because they married a woman with financial means (sure, from inheritance, whatever) which provided the capital to build their empires.
Re: Thread Suggestion Thread For the first year I made a bit more then my wife. Then she got a great job and made a substantial amount more then me, which i was completely fine with. She always joked that i was a kept man, and that i had a sugar momma. Year and a half later(Feb of this year) she was pregnant and feel and cracked her tail bone, so she had to take time off until the baby was born for medical reason, then at the end of may we had the baby and she is going to be off for a year. Luckily in March of this year, i got a new job that put me a couple of dollar over what she was making. She has no problem with me making a bit more then her when she goes back to work next year. What does bug her is that she feels like she isn't contributing as much because she is on maternaty/ei for the next year.
Re: Thread Suggestion Thread My feelings are pretty much the same as they were the last time we ran this thread (a couple years ago, more than enough time to do a rehash). I don't care who the breadwinner is as long as: 1.) The other partner does something else to pull their weight, this could be taking on more cooking, cleaning, raising the kids etc... OR 2.) The breadwinner gets more discretionary money for whatever they feel like doing. I don't see this one working well with kids. Neither have to be of equal value or really even close to the spread in income, but there should be some sort of recognition that one partner is the one putting a roof over their heads. I've been on both sides and was happy to do more of the housework to feel like I was a contributing partner and like the fact that my fiance handles most of the house stuff so I can focus on work and studying. I also like keeping separate as well as joint bank accounts, I don't want to see the stupid shit she spends her money on and vice versa. We make logical joint decisions with joint money but we're free to be as dumb as we want with our own money. I understand a lot of people (including my parents) can keep all the money in one basket without fighting, but most people I know can't and this methodology as anal as it seems keeps that off the table.
Re: Thread Suggestion Thread My girlfriend has a Master's degree, is a CPA, and works in a Top 4 accounting firm. She makes almost twice as much as I do today and could easily continue to do so, however with my career I could make a lot more money too (healthcare sales). I half-jokingly call her Suga Momma sometimes but we usually split everything down the middle. It isn't a source of stress or tension in our relationship, I guess because I am perfectly secure with my income and career and if she can pull in more then good for her. She worked her ass off in school (more than me, honestly) and has earned it.
Re: Thread Suggestion Thread I haven't been in a position where I'd consider combining finances with a significant other, so my response on that matter would be a prediction of an opinion rather than an opinion and I'll spare all of you that. I just bought my first house one year from tomorrow, and so that got me thinking about how that buying experience would have differed if I had a co-buyer with me. As long as our net worths were in the same ballpark, I don't foresee a problem, but what if my significant other either had no debt and way more cash reserves than I did, or on the flipside, had no cash reserves and $75k in student loan debt, compared to my $20k and $40k, respectively? You'd want to enter this new stage of life with your gf/fiancee/wife, but should you shoulder the entire down payment or vice versa? If not, does the one with much greater net worth just buy the property independently, but for the both of them? These no-win scenarios terrify me. Actually, just about all love vs. fiscal decisions do.
Re: Thread Suggestion Thread It depends on how much more she would be making then me, but yeah it would be uncomfortable. The thought of being indebted to any individual in such a way is off-putting. I'm not talking about small stuff like dinners and drinks or even groceries. Something like going in on a house with someone who makes substantially more money than me would at this point in my life be a no-go. That, or we would have to find a place that is in the price range where I can reasonably foot half the bill. I already know I am uncomfortable in the situation where I am making a lot more money than my partner as well. I don't really have a problem with giving a serious girlfriend money for things, but I'm not going to live in a situation where I'm paying for someone else to live, they better at least foot some of the bill OR have some kind of aspirations they are actively working towards to get a job where they can at least make a contribution. This whole attitude I've encountered about how I shouldn't ask questions where my money (and yes, if I'm making all the money and we're not married it is MY money) is going can go get fucked. If you're living off of someone else you should feel insecure if you aren't bringing some other value to the relationship to make up for not contributing financially, and sex doesn't doesn't count unless you're a prostitute. I broke up with a girlfriend over disagreements over money. I'm not saying I asked where my money was going every time, we were together for at least a year before she first asked and I could tell it was terribly embarrassing for her and she did actually need it, but it got to the point where I felt she was just too comfortable spending my money on things she wanted. I never expected for her to give back what I gave to her even though she always made promises about making it up to me, I know better than to give money to a college student and expect to get it back. I never had a problem paying for her when we went out, or even spotting her cash so she could go out and do things on her own or with her friends without me on occasion, it just became too much. I wasn't hurting for cash, but I wasn't going to let it get to that point in the first place. Finally I told her that from then on I needed to know what she was doing when I loaned her cash, and that I wouldn't be giving her as much as often and that she needed to work more hours at her part time job and to spend less eventually being able to support her lifestyle on her own. I went into that discussion knowing that we would probably break up, which we did. It sucked because she was pretty cool otherwise but at 21 that shit wasn't for me. While living in Korea I received a letter from her with a check and an thank you for all I did for her and an open invitation to catch up. I didn't cash the check and we're worlds apart so I won't probably see her again, but it was an amazing gesture, at the same time it made me feel like shit for not working it out with someone like that.
Re: Thread Suggestion Thread When I first met my wife 10 years ago she made more than I did, however once she got the magic engagement ring the company she had worked for the last 15 years closed its doors so for the last 4 years I have been making more than her and working 2 jobs so she can be a real estate agent. I hope and pray that she will start making a lot more than I do so I can kill more shit, she will be close this year.
Re: Thread Suggestion Thread My wife makes more than me. In fact, she makes 4 times my annual salary. That said, now that I have a (more than) full time position at a school, she is goig to half time. She will still be making twice as much as me, despite only working 2 10 hour shifts a week. We knew going into our marriage that she was going to make more than me, and honestly it doesn't bother me a bit. It DOES bother her a little, though, in as much as she feels really anxious about being the sole money-maker. I've offered to be a stay at home dad and take care of the kids and house, but that is a no go. In fact, my current situation is that I will be working 70 to 90 hours a week (6:30 am to 7 pm monau through Wednesday, 6:30 am til 9 pm Thursday, 6:30 am til midnight Fridays, 7 am til noon Saturday, and 6 pm til 9 pm Sunday nights). She will be working 2 days a week, 10 hour shifts. Our combined salaries will be 25% less than we'd make if she worked alone 40 hours a week. It sounds crazy, but she has busted her ass to get her pharmacy doctorate, and working retail pharmacy, so she has earned some leeway, and I love teaching and I am really enjoying football so far. Plus we have an agreement that if either of us is truly unhappy in our jobs, we can quit and move on, because we both work and manage our finances well. It is a partnership, and I can honestly say we've never ever argued over money once in our relationship.