I saw this article on the A.V. Club about personal pop culture rules. They're the guidelines that you use when you're deciding whether or not you want to pursue a book/movie/what have you. Here are some examples: "If the trailer features someone in a fat suit, or someone playing the “fatty fall down, make funny” role, I’m not interested." "I tend to disregard anything with a trailer that utilizes the record-scratching sound, like “Oh no he di-n’t!” "I have not, and will not, ever buy a book with an Oprah’s Book Club seal." You get the idea. Focus: What are your pop culture rules?
ENTERTAINMENT Anything with the label "MTV" attached to it is pure, unflinching shit. It is pointless to argue this with me because I am right, period. MTV has ruined music forever, given birth to the most god-awful annoying personalities on the planet, and has shit original programming out of it's unwiped ass with the most insultingly idiotic shows ever made. It sucks in every single way humanly possible, and nothing else. I hold it personally responsible for the shambled state of music today, which any non-deaf person can agree is horrible. Action movies, horrors, thrillers and Comedies can entertain men and women. Chick flicks entertain just the latter. Everything about Reality TV is stupid and awful. The End. FASHION Guys: If you wear striped shirts, Jesus bling, tinted sunglasses, Dragon/Affliction/Graphic shirts, dog tags but you're not a vet, wife beaters with no other shirt, clogs, make kissy-faces in photos, over-pommaded hair, etc. you're an asshole. If you go to spa, you're a huge asshole. Do you have two eyebrows already? GOOD. WE'RE DONE. Girls: Orange tans. UGH. I also don't like capris (clam-diggers) and that stupid mohawk-ponytail thing women like to do with their hair now. It's stupid looking, and you KNOW it. COMEDIANS It's not sexist to say 99% of male comedians are funnier than females comedians. Just like it's not partiotic that the medicore Canadian Comedians are much, MUCH funnier than than the top arena-selling American comedians. It's not my opinion, its just science. DRINKING Ordering top shelf in a bar that has well makes you look like an asshole. Yes, I agree Grey Goose is a good vodka, but you don't need to advertise that you can afford it in a vain attempt to attract chicks, so fuck yourself. ART Classical art is better than modern art.
If you can't partake in the miracle of veal or at least a tenderloin then I don't trust you or like you. Vegetarians/vegans and hippies have a special place in hell reserved for them. I second the scarf thing, if you're wearing a scarf indoors or when its not cold outside, it makes me want to take you behind my garage and beat you with a hose. Oversized sunglasses. If you wear them, you deserve to have them pushed into your eyes and made into permanent contact lenses. Berets. Armed forces and part of your uniform? God bless. Otherwise jump off a building, the more stories the better. Gourmet. One of the words that make me go berserk. Gourmet to me means polished turd. If you fall for this marketing scam, may I offer you a spoon so you can indulge in my gourmet ass?
Chipotle. Not the burrito place, but the fucking ingredient. Every place around here has to throw that into some sauce, or coat meat in a dry rub of it. I can't stand the stuff. It, along with truffle anything are so pop-trendy I won't order anything with either ingredient in them.
Adding the words "Michael Bay" to anything is simply nor tight. Dollars from idiots, enterainment for mongoloids. Emo Rock, pussy rock (Coldplay, Kings Of Leon and the like), gayer-than-gay Hipster shit like Grizzly Bear and Vampire Weekend is not actually rock music. If you play it in my house, I'll straight up kill you and fertilize my vegetable garden with your miserable chopped-up corpse.
Or anything with Ben Stiller. Dude looks like a monkey and is about as funny as my ass crack. Musically, anything with John Fogerty gets a no from me. Musically, CCR kicked so much ass but I cannot stand Fogerty's voice. It is like hearing a dentist's drill. Nevermind that the dude is a scorching prick, he just sucks.
if it has Eddie Murphy in it it's A) not funny B) a kid's movie C) have a huge budget D).going to lose money E) going to miss Eddie from the premiere F) all of the above
Celebrities that are famous for so reason whatsoever are not officially celebrities. That includes Paris Hilton, Kathy Lee Gifford, The Kardashian shit pile clap-ridden fuckface weather-beaten retard family, Downtown Julie Brown, Melissa Rivers, Mr. Blackwell, etc. All utterly useless, and we should therefore not know who they are. If you listen to "Screamo" rock, take a 10-inch phillips head screwdriver and shove the entire thing into your ear. Now please twist it around until you die horribly. If you drink Pabst, anybody you have ever met in your life can kick your ass at anything (especially hygiene). Poker, pool, darts do not belong on sports channel, because they are games. They are also extremely boring to watch, so its probably better that they're not on TV at all.
Pretty much any movie with a rapper-turned actor in it is gonna suck syphlitic donkey cock. Even though he made some great movies in the past, I won't watch anything new with Tom Cruise; I just can't take him seriously anymore.
If you wear a bluetooth device everywher you go I will shun you like a smoker in a government building. If you do not have the capacity to grow any kind of fruit or vegetable do not attempt to preach why the "organic" shit you buy at the store is so good. And as has been mentioned before, if you must wear a scarf please, please learn how to tie a hangmans knot and use it.
If your album cover features you shirtless, you better be Iggy Pop or I'm not buying the record. There's one valid reason for being vegetarian: you have an allergy triggered by meat where your feat and hands turn into chainsaws and your crotch starts itching furiously. If these circumstances don't apply you are one step from bursting into a speech about how yoga has really improved your life and you are not worth the breath it would cost to have a conversation. If your coffee shop features a walnut decor and black and white photos of brown people doing coffee related things, I'm not buying from you. I like my coffee brewed and black, you'd probably run the same espresso beans through your machine but with double the water and it tastes like burnt shit.
If you're this guy you need to seriously re-evaluate the broad and unfounded generalizations you make. Movies- I know it's obvious but I refuse to watch anything that is a (genre) movie. this goes for "meet the spartans" and shit like that. I would rather watch the twilight movies on repeat than watch one of those fucking films. Music- if I could sow your entire band's pants together, and still not fit in them, probably need to drink a couple bottles of whiskey, do a bunch of blow, bang some groupies.Maybe then you'll be able to figure out what being a rock star is all about. Also, if you identify yourself as "indie" save us all the trouble. Television- 99% of the shit on MTV/VH1 is trash, but there is some reality TV that is epic, and by that I mean "more to love" which is unintentionally the funniest show ever made, bar none. I defy you to watch a television show where some dude brings a bunch of fat chicks in their late 20's to a "second prom" in a semi truck because they can't fit in a limo and not laugh.
If it has Queen Latifah in it, I will not watch it. VH1 died with Pop-Up video. Mtv was stillborn. If you watch the "reality shows" because of how unintentionally bad they are, you are part of the problem. Just saying. It's black coffee. If you charge me more than $3, I'll never come here again. It does not contain vanilla, walnut, apricot, cinnamon, hazelnut, chocolate, caramel, or anything beyond.....black...fuck....coffee. There is no need to call a "large black coffee" by a French or Italian name in the US...that's just you being a douche. If you think your trendy designer clothing makes a statement about who you are as a human being, it usually does. That statement is: "I'm a fucking moron." You are not cool because you listen to bands no one has ever heard of. In fact, obscure bands are probably obscure for a very specific reason: They suck.
I'll make an exception if said book is written by Cormac McCarthy or William Faulkner. Or John Steinbeck. Or Gabriel Garcia Marquez. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oprah_Book_Club
Any film where the Hollywood actor(s) and/or director fly all the way out to Australia (Melbourne , Sydney or both) to promote a movie ; the movie is almost always an unmitigated piece of crap.
As a 24-year-old hetero-sexual male, you will never catch me doing the following: - Drinking chai tea, bubble-tea or any type of 'foo-foo' coolers. Mike's Hard Lemonade, Smirnoff Ice or Grower's Cider are all black-listed. Okay fine, maybe I'll have a wine spritzer on occasion. (That was sarcasm.) - Watching anything on TV featuring Jon or Kate Gosselin, Octo-Mom, or the Kardashians. - Using the term 'lol' in any context - Be it texting, speaking or writing. - Eating gluten-free/organic products on purpose for 'health' purposes.
A man needs a maximum of five pairs of footwear, and five ONLY: 1) Dress shoes (brown or black or both if you work in business/office environment) 2) fucked up running shoes/sneakers (clean ones aren't necessary and are not comfy) 3) summer wear (sandals or the like), 4) work boots (because you are a man) 5) Some sport cleat of whatever sport you play (even if you hate golf, you should buy some because you'll eventually end up on the links somehow so don't be that guy looking like a 35-year-old teenager in Reebok Pumps out there). Dan Brown novel, huh? Make sure you read it in the most public place possible so you look just soooooo smart. I hate Hipster glasses (thick, horn-rimmed). You can't convince me that they are anything but stupid looking no matter who you are. People in the fucking 1950's got picked on for wearing them, and that shit doesn't change so go home alone and play dominoes with your non-friends, cool dude. Same goes double for other stupid hipster gear: tennis headbands, porkchop sideburns, no soap, flourescent flannel (WHO THE FUCK THOUGHT THAT UP!??!) blazers over ANYTHING but a shirt and tie, cardigans, fedora hats, etc. They all suck. All of them. Skinny jeans on a man? Please find me a locker to stuff you into. Pronto.