Over the weekend I met up with some friends that I lived with in my first apartment right out of school. Since we didnt make much money, we had to find an apartment on the cheap, and lived in a pretty run down town as a result. The town we lived in has the concentration of Polish immigrants in the United States. Our landlord was one of these immigrants. He lived on the bottom part of a 3 family house with his wife and 3 early-twenty something daughters. The family lived in the middle floor, with some sketchball living in the garden-level apartment. His daughters were absolutely revolting, so no one hooked up with them. But they are important because the eldest daughter was the only one in the entire family that spoke English. No just being able to hold a conversation, she was the only one that understood basic greetings or gestures so we had to do all the communicating with her parents through her. One Wednesday night, around 11:30, we heard a knock on the back door. Our landlord Mitch (short for Michislav) was standing there clearly shitfaced (which was a common occurrence). He had been partying with his buddies Stanislav and Eddie for last couple hours and he was motioning for us to come down and take a drink with him. Being responsible adults, one of my roommates (Roommate 2) and I shook our heads "no" since we had work the next day. Our third roommate (Roommate 3) decided he would go down and have one drink with them. Roommate 2 and I went to bed. About 3 hours later there was another knock on the door, this one much more frantic than the previous one. Roommate 2 and I exchanged glances and went with him. He opened the door to the kitchen and there was Roommate 3, passed out on their kitchen table, with one of the Polish guys rubbing his head tenderly, with the other one crying in the adjacent living room. There was a box of Ritz crackers spilled all over the floor. Roommate 3 had peed his pants Looking over what was in front of me I was speechless. Mitch poured another shot of vodka and handed it to me. He wasnt asking me to come get my friend, he wanted me to partake in whatever the fuck was going on. Being the pal that I was, i threw the other friend over my shoulder in a fireman-carry and had Roommate 2 hold the doors going up the stairs. We took his clothes off (since it seemed like he was running a fever) and raped the shit out of him. Just kidding, we tried shaking him awake so he could drink some water, but he was out cold. We took turns watching him in shifts for the next couple hours. He doesnt remember a thing. Focus: Whats the sketchiest interaction you've had with a neighbor? Any complete weirdos?
Ahem... Okay Juice, what made you bring this up now? You've obviously been sitting on this story for awhile, and I'm pretty sure we've had "weird neighbor" discussions before. I'm not giving you shit or anything, but that's a pretty damn weird story, and I figured we would have heard about it before. Did you and your therapist work through some issues this week? Anyway, to stay somewhat on topic, I would probably qualify as the weird/bad neighbor (what with the loud cars, target shooting, etc.) , so in comparison most people don't seem that weird to me. Also, most of the people I hang out with qualify as the weird/bad neighbors in their respective neighborhoods, so I guess my perspective might be a little warped. I'm sure this shocks all of you.
I used to live in an apartment building full of old people. I was easily one third of the median age. One of the wi-fi networks was called "analbead". Don't want to know who had that one. My next door neighbour had a cough that I swear to god was like an ongoing version of the death rattles. I thought it was air bubbling up through water pipes. I seriously wanted to call an ambulance a few nights. Now, living in the top floor of a suburban bungalow, I listen to the new downstairs neighbour have sex with her boyfriend when she does not have custody of her children .When she does, I listen to her son scream all the time instead.
My girlfriend and I had a first floor apartment in a decent part of West LA. One day we found out our upstairs neighbor, a Black, lesbian, heroin addict, who was occasionally suicidal, had been arrested. For walking her toy poodle. Down Olympic Blvd. (major street). In broad daylight. Stark fucking naked. A couple of days later I was home alone and heard a knock at the door. It was the aforementioned neighbor who stood there unbuttoning her blouse and smiling. I admit I was tempted, but considered the possible negative outcomes, STDs, OD in my apartment, her telling the GF, etc., I shooed her away. After she moved on the new neighbor was a law student (wow). He liked to play his music really loud and left it on while he went out. So, I found the main circuit board and turned off his electricity. Problem solved. No. I get a note from this asshole informing me he would have me arrested for "interfering with a public utility". I looked it up and lo and behold there really is such a law. So, I go up the stairs to tell him the music shit had to stop. I knock on his door, he was too chicken shit to open the door, and inform him abating his private nuisance (the music) was a defense to his claim. His response "Don't come in, I have a shotgun". A few days later, somebody, not me, I swear, put a bullet through the windshield and the radiator of his car. He soon moved on.
About two days ago, this one meth-head looking woman (some indeterminate age between 16 and 45 in appearance, ugly face, scars on the face that look like they were inflicted with a big skinning knife, nasty brown jagged teeth, skinny like Buchenwald internment camp skinny, etc.) was screaming and roaring at another neighbor about five houses down. She then took to the streets after her cuss-fest with this guy, holding at least thirty purses, a bunch of sheets and moving her head about with an aggressive sneer on her puggy visage, as though looking for another fight. Makes me glad I have guns in the house. My across from me neighbor is a kindly retired Air Force pilot from 'Nam who despite his missing toes he lost to frostbite and Air Force hazards respectively is a regular person. His Catahoula Leopard Dog and Border Collie are two of the most barky dogs ever, but they're sweet once he yells at them to shut up and let you pet them. I also have my side-yard's neighbors, who are fucking weirdos. The one son is heavily autistic, and about mid-twenties, and lives with his very fat, squat Hispanic mother. He had a phase wherein he'd steal my cat Augustina for a time, then return her each morning, petted and purring, while babbling excitedly about monster trucks or copy machines or whatever, I'd smile and nod, and eventually, about 10-20 minutes later, his mom would come and pick him up and I'd put my cat inside. Also have the odd drunk stumbling back from the corner club, but they're rarely a problem. Also, worth mentioning, my father when he came to visit me turned around his truck in I think the same neighbor who argued with Miss Crazyeyes's wife rushed out at him, cussing him and brandishing a pistol for turning around in their driveway, as though he'd injured them or something by doing so. Unreal how some people are so narcissistic/territorial/dumb? My father had a gun in the car (It's Idaho) and he still told me later, "Shooting her wouldn't have made the world lose nothing but another inbred fat woman."
In college I lived in a house next door to an old, defunct church that was home to a medieval arms and armor museum. During summer months a group met in the front yard to practice LARPing and swordplay. It was way too entertaining not to sit on the porch with a beer and watch. Spoiler: Old phone pics At the same house we had a neighbor try to evict us shortly after we settled in. She rented out a couple of properties on the block to other students and had a reputation for being a general bitch to other neighbors. About a year before we moved in the house was up for sale, which she bid on and lost to our landlord. In retaliation she reported us to the city over some bullshit code violations, which we barely managed to skirt by. I did miss the friendly LARPers when I moved out, but definitely not her.
"In college I lived in a house next door to an old, defunct church that was home to a medieval arms and armor museum. During summer months a group met in the front yard to practice LARPing and swordplay. It was way too entertaining not to sit on the porch with a beer and watch." Nowadays you could expect the SWAT folk to show up ready for a fire fight. Edit: Hmmm. The quote function seems to have changed.
My current neighbor is an old gay dude who owns a gay bar, can sing opera perfectly with his 50 years of smoking voice and is missing two fingers on his right hand so when he shakes my hand he always nubs my palm, I usually get a semi from it. He is a great neighbor for the most part except when he gets really drunk, which is pretty often. Last week he got home from the bar about 1am to find one of the trees he was trying to grow had been knocked over and that put him over the edge, I wake up to hear that smoking old queen voice spewing profanities and my dogs going crazy, I thought someone was beating him up so I grab a gun and flashlight and run outside barefoot in my boxers. He is standing (more light swaying) in the middle of the road just about in tears with a limp tree in his hand just unloading curses into the air. I hit him with the beam of my flashlight and asked him if he was ok and with tears coming out of his eyes he explained he was not and he was angry and if he ever caught the motherfuckers he would kill them. He texted me the next day apologizing. Our subdivision gets irrigation and old queen follows me getting it, so when I turn my valve off he has to change a gate and then open his water valve, we get irrigation at odd hours like 3:30 am on a Monday so he always tells me to be sure and wake him up. In June I had just finished my run of water and was trying to wake him up out of his vodka stupor and he would not answer his door or his phone so I went and opened the valve his water comes out of and changed the gates. It is about 200 yards from the where we change gates to his yard and I am walking back in the dark when I hear the familiar scream of my neighbor who had finally woke up and came outside to check the water and had slipped and fallen into the water by his valve and was not able to get up because the mud was to slippery and his crocs had fallen off. I helped him up and got him situated. He texted me the next day apologizing. This morning I was jolted out of bed by the same voice screaming in the middle of the street, apparently he left his gate open for 3 hours and one of his dogs took off while the queen was sobering up by napping. I wished him luck and went back to bed. He texted me this morning, that he found his dog, no apology for waking us up at 1am.