In the hypothetical, she's interested. I'm completely oblivious about this. I don't consider myself noteworthy, and I'm not a signal thrower at all. I'm bossy, in charge in all venues of my life (work and personal), and shit...I'm over 30 with three kids and two divorces. This does not make for much more than a casual passing interest. Baggage is appealing to no one. Say hi. Offer to grab a beer later. That's about it for me. I'm not fancy, I'm not uptight, I'm not demanding. Either you want a beer or you don't. If you don't...that's totally cool. But I am not going to overthink anything at this stage of the game.
I agree with this. It's nice and simple, straight to the point, and still easily allows for any sort of potential outcome. You don't have to deal with other people being around or interfering and having a couple of drinks is the perfect relaxed environment
This is a key point though...know your audience. Look at who you're asking. If they're dressed in a sparkly dress with heels and big earrings and bracelets and carrying a big purse and wearing huge sunglasses... They won't like going for a beer and shooting pool. You're going to spend more money than that. A chick like me who's walking around in cowboy boots and and a skirt or jeans with a simple shirt...the offer for a beer will go much further.
Alt. Alt. Focus: I know I've written about this before, but being direct is always the easiest and most effective way. Always. It just takes the confidence to actually do it, and a modicum of charm to recover if things don't go your way. "Hey, I'd love to take you out for drinks some time, what do you say?" Anything else is too complicated, vague, and not nearly as clever as you think. If you make a move and she's not into it, you say, "Hey, sorry if I was out of line. I must have misinterpreted something." And then you go play a game of pool with her or something, with no ill effect. This has never not worked for me. Either she is into it and game's on, or she says no and you can walk away without being a chump or an asshole. I don't understand why anyone would complicate this.
Focus: Do you think the girl is into you? Worth a shot even if she isn't. Fucking take the chance. Alt. Focus: Ever missed a signal from someone? Both ways - missed that they were into you, or missed that they weren't. I've told the story before. Spoiler Cute sister of a dude I knew in middle school was hanging around me all the time on these band trips (she wasn't even in the band but the school let her come anyways to watch her brother). She flat out told me she thought I needed a girlfriend and she would "help" me find one. I just said "alright just let me know who you think would be interested in me.." DOH! Then I totally totally pussed out making a move on her later that year when we went to Kings Island with some mutual friends who were dating. UGH. She became a stunner with HUGE boobs. I eventually ran into her at a bar when I was as blacked out as I have ever been. I made a complete retard out of myself in front of her (as I have been told) and her date that night had me kicked out of the bar. I hear she is a hardcore lush and can only hope by the next time I run into her she has forgotten all about that drunken night... I am usually pretty good at reading the signs while out drinking.Though sometimes it is hard to figure out if the girl is actually interested or just faking it because she wants the attention for the night. A lot of girls in the latter are the type that will actually try to make out with you at the bar, that's usually one big sign, but will dip with their friends at a moments notice. The rest are kind of my next point. Reading the signs a girl might go home with you seems a lot easier than girls who might want to date you. I have a lot more trouble recognizing if the chick digs me and would want to actually hang out later on. If the night went really well and we aren't hooking up. I get her number, I'll text her for a couple of days and then call her to see if she wants to hang out the coming weekend. I'd say 100 percent of the time if they give any excuse for not wanting to hang out, I figure that they weren't really interested in the first place and they are trying to let me down easy. Their number then joins the long list of do not calls in my phone. I guess I either missed the signals or just give up to easy but there has been a number of times where I find out the girl was into me but they weren't forward about it or just maybe actually had something to do that weekend. I figure some of it is kind of the old notion that the guy has to be the pursuer and that the girl wants to have a guy make some large effort. In China I met a girl, got her number, went out with her a week or so later and hooked up. After she seemed distant and didn't want to hang out in the following weeks. So I moved on. A few months later I bumped into her and her friends and her friends told me that she never stopped talking about me. We started hanging out again much more and we dated for while before we actually got tired of each other. But from a social roles stand point they are way behind us as far as the dating and it seemed like I had to do all of the work making plans and such. I think another part of it to is that I usually want sex up front too. I've never been one to take it slow and do the traditional casual dating, as discussed in the Guide to Men and Women thread, the whole "have to wait X number of dates" is kind of bullshit. But like most guys I probably telegraph wanting sex a little to obviously over also wanting to date and hang out. But shit, why not have your cake and eat it too? There have been a couple of girls that, even after hanging out(I guess what is considered modern dating) for a while, think all I want is just sex. I wouldn't be calling you to hang out, at bars, or dinner, or baseball games, etc if I didn't want to hang out. But yes I'd also like to fuck, as much as possible.
Focus: Yes. Alt-Focus: I've ignored a few; there was also a girl at a teen club (fuck you, you were 16 once too) who was talking trash to me while giving me fuck me eyes all night; when my group left, she bumped into me and I just kept walking. My buddy waited until we were outside to explain things to me. On the flip side of that, I once worked with a girl who would talk and joke with me, but I never thought anything of it. In fact, I barely remember anything about her from the first month she was there, other than that she was clearly into body art, and was really nice. What I do remember was VDay 07, when she walked up to me, said "You look really good in that shirt. Happy Valentine's Day", kissed me, then gave me her number and demanded I call her. Up until that moment, I hadn't the slightest clue she might have an interest in me. Now, her actions could have cost her her job had I been uncomfortable and an asshole about it to boot, and I'm not suggesting everyone go for the surprise kiss when making an approach. But when the subject of men approaching women comes up, everyone's favorite buzzword is confidence. Read a long enough discussion on the subject, and you'll have the importance of confidence driven into your skull until it makes you sick. Thing is, it's true, and it goes both ways. Approaching someone whose interest in you is unknown and quite possibly nonexistent takes a level of courage, and showing that courage while defying the standard gender role is very fucking attractive. Will it help you get anyone you try it on even if you look like K.D. Lang? No, but it does set you apart, and not at all in a bad way. That girl turned out be unfaithful and loosely hinged, but I still remember and admire her approach, and will for years to come, because she was direct and upfront in a way that few women are. Alt Alt Focus:I don't. I fucking refuse. If I get a blatant, unmistakable signal like the one above? I'll give that a shot. Short of that, I have my own shit to work on before I go looking for long-legged trouble.* * This post could be reasonably argued to be hypocritical. Sue me.
This is my biggest sexual fail! When I was 19, I shared an apartment with my sister to cut my commute to work. My sister had this really slutty friend, Lisa. She was in her early 30's and basically would do anything in the sack. The first time I met her, at a party, she was openly talking about how much she loved anal sex. This was during the early 80's -- anal sex was still a bit of a tabboo compared to today. Lisa was sleeping with a rich married guy who had put her up in an expensive apartment in Santa Monica. She had started putting pressure on him to leave his wife for her. He made it clear that he was not going to leave his wife, but she kept nagging him until he finally got tired of her and broke it off. He told her he was not going to pay the rent on the apartment anymore and she needed to move or take over the lease. She was in denial and believed he would change his mind. She couldn't afford the rent. Then finally on the last day or so before the lease was up, she finally realizes that it is over and she needs to find a place and move in the next 2 days. So she called our house, in a complete panic, to talk to my sister. My sister was not home and I answered the phone (not knowing it was her). She was nearly hyper ventilating at that point. I must have spent an hour or two talking to her, calming her down. Told her we'd help her find an apartment and move her. I quickly found an apartment for her, arranged with some friends to get her moved, etc. And we moved her the following day. Couple of days later, she called me to ask me if I can come over after work to hook up her TV and stereo. I agreed and went over to her place straight from work. She greets me at the door, soaking wet from a shower and she had a very small towel barely covering her tits and pussy. I freaked but went ahead and started hooking things up. So I'm standing behind the TV & stereo trying to hook things up, and she is sitting directly in front of me in a high back chair, opening and closing her skimpy towel and crossing and uncrossing her legs like Sharon Stone in Basic Instincts. Oh, and by the way, she was hot and looked kind of like Sharon Stone but had a better body than her. I'm standing there, perspiring, trying not to look but looking every chance I get. I finished wiring everything as fast as I could and got the hell out of there. It NEVER occurred to me that she was coming on to me. Why? Because I was a naive idiot. Until a few days later when Lisa told a mutual friend about how much I helped her calm down and that she had invited me to "thank me" and give me an experience I would never forget. I try not thinking about this very often. I kick myself for being such a pussy. This event ranks as one of my biggest regrets.
I assume "my car" and "her place" are codewords for "my penis" and "her vagina." It seems reasonable, because how would I park an ACTUAL car inside her vagina? That would be silly, has to be code. I'm really good at this, guys, next question.
Focus: I would definitely assume she was into me, and if I was interested in her I would take her up on the offer. And subsequently ignoring my subconscious screaming that her favorite karaoke song involves Carrie Underwood and a baseball bat. Alt Focus: Rarely do I miss a signal because I think any girl that says 'hi' my way is probably interested... Spoiler A waitress at a downtown pub was super friendly, and her boobs grazed my arm a few times so naturally I thought she wanted a "Dicking" as Frank would say. So I created a new contact in my phone as "Hot Waitress" and handed her my phone before I left. Instead of putting her number in, she told me that "she doesn't give her number to strangers". Alt Alt Focus: Suffice to say I am horrible at starting a conversation with a girl I have never met before, and multiply that ineptness by ten if she is surrounded by friends. My go to opener is usually, "Hey I think you're really cute and I just had to come over to say hi". If things are looking good I would ask her if she wanted to get together again sometime.