In honor of BlueDog's impending fatherhood I think a thread on raising children would be appropriate. Given the nature of this place, I'm not entirely certain why I think that, but even with the overall cynicism, casual misogyny, and general disdain for anyone under age 20, there might be a few pearls among the swine. Raised any youngun's? Give him some advice. Tricks for getting them to sleep. How not to gag changing a diaper. How to deal with the instant crushing lack of spontaneity in your new life. You know, the good stuff.
I have no idea if I will ever be ready for kids. It's not that I don't have the resources or whatever. In fact, I'm probably better off, logistically, than my parents were. But I'm happy and fulfilled and busy and can't figure out how adding kids would work for me. I suppose you never know. I assume it's something that you just feel in your gut and you know it's right. If I don't have that feeling, I'm happy to leave the babymaking to people who do. With all the drunken debauchery around here it's easy to forget that TiBbers have mostly ordinary lives and mostly ordinary experiences, which includes children. So, TIB, tell us about parenthood!
You can do what they do here in China. Put on diapers and pants with large butt flap (not the hillbilly long underwear form, or onesie, more of a clam shell that runs along the ass crack), when the child starts giving the signs that he/she/it needs to poop, whip off the diaper lay down plastic and let the baby shit wildly on the fucking sidewalk like a god damn dog. It is fucking nuts walking through a busy subway station to see some youngish looking mom sitting there letting her baby diarrhea shit all over plastic laid on the ground. And you thought public breast feeding made you feel a little uncomfortable. Here is it dirt fucking cheap to have live in nannies so US parents keep a decent semblance of their childless life. How the fuck can you stand not having the same freedom as you did before children?
People actually make decisions to spawn? I thought all kidlets were accidents, er, I mean, pleasant surprises. Want your bundle of joy to sleep? Amaretto. Disaronno is not necessary - just buy the bargain brand. Don't let the big ad agencies manipulate you into an added expense. Spend the extra $$ on your own top shelf liquor. You deserve it. Now I know that most parenting experts don't recommend this style of sleep-aid, but you all need your rest, including the little one. Other than an uncanny thirst for Sicilian Kisses, bouts of irresponsible behaviour and unbecoming and untimely outbursts, there are hardly any negative long-term repercussions at all. I say go for it.
I've been a dad for a little over two years. The "magic of childbirth" was robbed from my wife and I and replaced with terror when our daughter decided she wanted to be born three months early. Thanks to the magic of NICU workers, she was fine and came home after about 70 days in the hospital. Those were the worst days of my life. However, it panned out well and the games began: Parenting is easier than I thought it would be, but every experience is different. Every kid is different, so just like life you can't make schedules and throw yourelf into a panic whenever your kid isn't doing something at an age when they should. Parents like that drive me insane and I want to slap them silly. Ditto for megalomaniac parent that think their child is without question the prettiest/cutest/smartest child in the entire world. WRONG. There is ALWAYS another child the is prettier/cuter/smarter than yours, so don't think you have some power over other parents and are more special. You're NOT. The first three months at home are an edurance test, to say the least. There is no sleep schedule and your baby will probably wake up crying every 2 hours hungry, which means you should consider yourself lucky if you get 3-4 hours of sleep a night. At this time, you will learn to hate monitors more than Hitler. But, like I said every kid is different. Other advice: -Buy that "What to Expect" book, but don't swear by it. It offers much useful information, but it doesn't teach you how to raise your kid. That's up to you. -Buy the best, most comftorable rocking chair you can find. I recommend one of the gliding ones with the gliding ottomans, believe me you'll spend A LOT of time sitting or falling asleep in it. -For the first year, you don't have to worry about "kid-proofing" anything. -For the first couple of years, don't bother wasting your time/money taking your kid to things like fairs, the zoo, festivals etc. Because you'll think they'll enjoy them like most kids do. Babies and toddlers have no IDEA what's going on, and would be more content with playing with rocks and dirt in the parking lot. I may have more, but remember these are just suggestions.
A babies eyesight is the most underdeveloped at birth. This means that, when the baby is crying, it's more effective to comfort them by holding them and letting them hear your voice. Infants will not laugh at silly faces. This is for when the kid is a bit older, but if you read them a bedtime story every night, when it comes time for pre-school, they'll be reading at a higher level than the other kids in the class. I have a goddaughter who started reading whole books by herself at 3 because her mother read to her every night.
BEAT YOUR CHILDREN. I cannot stress this enough. Errrr. Spank, I mean. You cannot reason with a tantrum throwing 2-year-old so don't even try. If you've started early enough with the spankings, just the threat of one ought to curb any unwanted behavior nearly immediately. If more parents beat their kids, the world wouldn't be such a fucked up place right now. You will be too tired to give a shit about pretty much anything and by the time everyone starts getting normal amounts of sleep, the fun part of parenting begins and then you'll have better things to do than go off gallivanting like a childless person. From the outside, parenting looks like a pain in the ass. While it can be sometimes, it is also ridiculously rewarding and shitloads of fun. I can't even begin to measure the joy my kids have brought me. The first time your child smiles at you, the first spontaneous "I love you.", the first good report card makes it all worthwhile. *edit* Oh and as for an actual tip: to get boys to start using the toilet, float Cheerios in the potty and tell them its a shooting contest.
Our twins are over two and a half months old, but we've only had them home now for a week. So far it hasn't been quite as bad as I thought it would be. They are pretty good about sleeping between feedings, so we can usually get 2 hours a crack since we've tried to keep them on the same schedule. That way too it's nice because we have someone else to talk to while we're sitting there at 3:30am feeding one of them. As bad as a couple nights have been and as annoying as their monitors are, we just keep telling ourselves it's still 10x better than driving down to the NICU to see them for only a couple hours a day. And diapers? I never changed a diaper before these two and thought it was the worst thing in the world. When it's your kids(s) though you don't have a choice so you just do it. If someone offers to change them I won't wait for them to change their mind, but after a while you don't even think about it anymore.
Also, buy whatever you can used at a consignment store. Chances are, your baby will just destroy it anyway and the baby won't notice or care if it's used or not, nor will the people around you. That $500 stroller you want with the fancy Burberry pattern? You won't remember it after a couple of years anyway and anyone who peers into it will only be looking at the baby - not the stroller. In truth, people who buy ridiculously expensive crap for babies only look like idiots in my eyes.
I have 3. 2 boys, 8 and 6 and one girl who will be 3 in January. The oldest was wildly overparented. We sterilized every thing he came in contact with. By the time the second one arrived we calmed down and didn't try and make him live in a bubble. When number 3 arrived we had basically given up and now we'll let her juggle knives if it keeps her busy. Buy The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy. I don't remember the author's name, but she is a former Playboy Playmate and it's funny as hell and actually useful. Also, if you have a girl, because of the proximity of butt and vagina and the geometry of diapers it will be necessary to clean feces from your daughter's vagina. Yes, you read that right. You know what's worse than that? After a couple of weeks, it won't even bother you.
Yeah, I was seeing a girl once that had a baby daughter. I watched one diaper changing and came that close to blurting out, "Is her camel toe supposed to be that fucking big?!!!" in front of her and a few of her friends. Ive made a promise to myself to throw any daughters I have into a volcano. Sure they'd be my little angel right until they hit puberty and became whores. Dirty, dirty whores. I am going to go bang my head against a wall for a while now.
I have two kids, a daughter that is 3 1/2 and a son that is 1 1/2. They are both awesome, and I love being a dad. Everyone has advice, but no one told us how much the first three months with an infant suck. The baby cannot interact with you at all, and that combined with the lack of sleep makes for a very unpleasant few months. But it passes, and once they can interact it becomes really fun. And the one thing we did with both of our kids that worked really well is that we got them on a routine as soon as possible and stuck with it. Bed time was firm, and they both get a bath every single night before bed time. Then we read them books and that is that. It worked great, and both of our kids have been great sleepers from the time they were about 8 weeks old.
1. Any hunting/fishing equipment need to be replaced in the foreseeable future? Buy it before BluePup is whelped. Youngins are expensive and consume a fair amount of your disposable income. 2. Record any episodes of BluePup screaming and crying inconsolably (and there will be many). Wait 12 years and use said recordings to get his ass out of bed in the morning to go to school. 3. Start saving for his higher education now. If he ends up being a total fuck-up, you'll have the money to actually go and BUY a boat. 4. Read to him every night. 5. As mentioned, "What To Expect When You're Expecting" is a great reference tool for the pregnancy. 6. Television is not a full-time nanny, but it is a major contributor to the childhood obesity problem, establishing a more sedentary lifestyle during a crucial period of his development, not to mention being bombarded with alluring messages for highly processed foods, the primary culprit. The nutrition and eating habits you instill in him early on (i.e., the food choices you make and make available to him) will go with him the rest of his life. Ice cream once in a while is a nice treat. Ice cream everyday is a bad habit. 7. First-time parents tend to be very over-protective since this is a whole new experience for them. Just remember, kids are a lot more resilient than you think. 8. Be there for him, even on days when you've put in 12 hours at work and he wants to play a game of "Candyland" when you get home. It'll mean a lot to him then, and a lot more to you later. 9. You are the dominant role model in his life. Be the man he thinks you are. 10. Enjoy uninterrupted nights of sleep while you can, because they'll be going away for a while.
I have a 4 year old, and have been a single parent since he was 6 months old. - Until they learn how to move around under their own steam, they're time consuming but you can put them down, turn around to do something and turn back knowing they'll be there; - Once they learn how to crawl, they will disappear as soon as you're not paying attention; - You have to pay attention to your kid. Have to. They don't know what's safe and what's not. Watching them like a hawk (without giving away that you are) will give you a ton of amusement watching them do dumb shit; - You haven't lived until the first 3am feed on a workday where you've taken the feeding duty and the little tyke proceeds to empty their stomach contents all over you once they're finished the bottle; - Every parent will have some nugget of advice for you. Go with what you think is right.
I was sitting at my desk yesterday when I heard yelling. I went out front and saw a Mother and her Son literally screaming at each other while waiting for the bus. At one point the kid walked to the back of the bench and kicked it about 15 times, knocking it loose from the bolts. I don't know much about kids, what I do know though is if I had addressed any adult, much less my Mother, like that kid did I'd have gotten my ass beat spot on the dot. I don't have any kids nor do I want any, as I am not exactly the nurturing type*. It's shocking I know. *And maybe they scare the shit out of me a little bit.
I'm not a parent. Shit, I'm worried about being an uncle. I do know one thing you shouldn't do though: don't name your kids some awkwardly spelled, sounds good when you say it drunk, bad stripper name. Yesterday a mother came into the office with daughter named Ahnazhia. Talk about starting life off on the wrong foot. Also, maybe when you bring your kid into my office you should stop them from flicking the lights on and off repeatedly as fast as they can. Or at least say something. Don't just sit there and fucking pretend that we are at a rave.
It is fucking hilarious how much yuppies spend on their kids' clothes because they want to use the child as a live-action dress-up doll. Brand names like Me Too and Kricket will go for $100 an outfit for a 9 month old. They will wear this a MAXIMUM of three months. Fucking sad.
I have an 8 year old daughter and 6 1/2 year old son. Buy all your infant clothes at Wal-mart or Target. Why? Because you're going to change outfits 3 times a day. Because he is going to shit right through them. My mother, bless her soul, bought my son these insanely expensive Janie N' Jack (Gymboree's boutique store) outfits that were seriously $100 for the set. Matching blanket, matching socks, matching onesie, matching bib, matching hat... I could have clothed him for a year for that $100. It don't look so cute when it's got yellow baby shit on it. Diapers aren't nearly as bad as people make 'em out to be: After you change 10 a day for 3 months, you don't give a shit any more. Baby can't sleep? Car rides. Or, march around singing "All your base are belong to us". That always put my son right to sleep, that or U2 songs. Now, here's the best frugal clothing advice you will ever get: Every spring, when winter clothes go on clearance, buy next year's winter coat (unless you live in SoCal or Hawaii and don't need it...) Winter coats are the most expensive clothing item you will have to buy, and they don't last more than one winter because of how fast kids grow. In April when they are 70% off is always the best time to get them. I've gotten some $60 or $70 winter coats for the kids for $15 on clearance.