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Order UP!

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Guy Fawkes, Jan 24, 2011.

  1. Guy Fawkes

    Guy Fawkes
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    Emotionally Jaded

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    The other day I was checking out at the grocery store and the checkouts were understaffed so I started bagging my own groceries. About halfway through one of the checkout managers (or whatever the fuck they are) tried to step in and assist but I waved him off. I was doing a good job of it, keeping pace with the cashiers scanning. Put all the cans on the bottom too. The cashier told me it looked like I had done it before. I had. Thousands of time... a lifetime ago.

    Focus: What skills did you acquire that have stuck with you over the years? Can you still step to a grill and summon your line cook quickness to make a breakfast for 12 in no time flat? Toss some dough without tearing it for a perfect pizza because of your summers working in a pizza shop?
     
  2. DrFrylock

    DrFrylock
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    The White

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    This is the geekiest fucking story ever.

    So a long, long time ago I was playing Ultima VII, and there's an Easter Egg in it where if you go to some particular obscure spot, it plays an audio file of the game's villain, The Guardian, speaking backwards. This was in the pre-Internet days when you couldn't just look shit up, and it was a DOS game so I couldn't load up Sound Recorder and record the sound to later reverse it. I also didn't have a tape recorder handy.

    So, naturally, I just listened to it a bunch of times, memorized how to say it, and then loaded up a sound program, said it into the mic, and played it backwards. To this day I still remember how to say it.

    Three or four years later, I'm working at a job and the department has just gotten a new multitrack audio editing package. This is back in the day where that was a pretty unusual thing to have on a computer. Anyway, the boss is showing it off to a couple of the guys in the department when I walk in. He's like showing them how it can do reverb and chorus and all the different things it can do. I go:

    "Hey, can it reverse a sound?"

    "Sure!"

    So he's about to show how it can reverse a sound, and I'm like "hold on, lemme lay something down for you to reverse." He's like "umm, OK?" I grab the mic and go "!DROLL NAGAYP EHHT MAHIAAA"

    Everybody thinks I am full of shit. The boss hits "reverse" and then "play" and out comes:

    "I AM THE PAGAN LORD!"

    Everybody just sits there for a second...

    "WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE? WHAT THE...WHY DO YOU KNOW THAT?"

    I just smiled, winked at them, and walked off into my office. Best totally useless talent ever.
     
  3. scootah

    scootah
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    New mod

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    I can spin glowsticks like a motherfucker. A few thousand dollars worth of amphetamines and almost as much again on rave tickets really paid off.

    I think I could probably do a decent job of making pizza dough, or taking a phoned in pizza order also. I really fucking hope that the glowsticking skills get used more than those ones though.
     
  4. p00g0blin

    p00g0blin
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    I can whip up a gorgeous sandwich in like fuckin, ~15 minutes.

    When I was younger I use to work at a San Francisco Sourdough eatery/deli. I had no interview nor took any effort to start. Although I worked with a few hot chicks and got free food, I didn't make hardly any money, and got in a back-breaking 20 hours each week. So, I didn't take it too seriously. AKA I took my sweet ass time making sandwiches - regardless if it were busy or not. Sorry customers... you can wait for my delicious awesome. Or if I worked the cash register, I'd pause for an overly awkward amount of time in-between asking questions (mayo/mustard/etc). The look of anxiousness and frustration among other employees and customers was worth the shit pay. It was really all just a joke, to see what I could get away with. After numerous complaints to my boss, about me, I asked for a substantial raise. He was dumbfounded, obviously, but responded with "I can't pay you any more than what I'm paying you now". I would have shit my pants laughing if he said OK, but instead I quit on the spot & left with a scrumptious reuben.

    Another early job was a 'lot attendant' at a dealership. I washed so many god damned cars, it wasn't even remotely funny.

    In other words, I could wash a car faster than lightning. And still can.
     
  5. Dcc001

    Dcc001
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    New Bitch On Top

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    I can count cash quickly and accurately. Balance a safe? No problem. You laugh, but you'd be AMAZED at how many people can't accurately count the money in a safe their first, second or third try. Also, when I make change I never look at what the till says; I count back up from the total of the order until I get to the dollar figure the customer gave me. Basic math, but people are amazed that I can make change in my head.
     
  6. Disgustipated

    Disgustipated
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    I can cook burgers and fries like a motherfucker.

    There's probably an even chance I'll be required to do that for money at some stage in the future.

    Also, although a bit rusty, I can tell you the Imperial size and thread rating of a bolt by looking at it. Metric, not so much.
     
  7. Juice

    Juice
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    Moderately Gender Fluid

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    -I can make Stromboli like a motherfucker

    -I can replace a laptop motherboard like a motherfucker

    -I can hammer up drywall like a motherfucker

    -I can take a nap like a motherfucker
     
  8. hamshackler

    hamshackler
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    My first job ever was with Carvel Ice Cream. While the job sucked, I can officially make a beautiful soft-serve ice cream cone. Though this skill doesn't come in handy often, I remember when I was in high school and visiting a college, and the dining hall I was eating at had a soft serve machine. I made myself a cone, and the next 4 or 5 people in line asked me to make theirs for them. At 17 years old, this made me feel pretty sweet....and really lame at the same time.
     
  9. tempest

    tempest
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    Disturbed

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    I can wash dishes quickly and effectively. Nobody is ever impressed, but it comes in handy all the time. Same thing with folding clothes into uniform shapes/sizes.

    I worked plenty of shitty jobs in my younger days.
     
  10. Blue Dog

    Blue Dog
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    I still remember how to make most of the more common smoothies at Smoothie King. For example, the standard Muscle Punch:

    - 2 scoops strawberry
    - 1 scoop over-ripe banana
    - 1 spray wheat germ
    - 1 spray vanilla extract
    - 1 squirt of honey
    - 1 scoop dehydrated milk
    - 1 scoop turbinado (unprocessed cane sugar)
    - 1 tiny scoop (~1/2 tsp) yeast
    - 1 scoop soy protein
    - 1 scoop of ice
    - Blend

    They have the strawberries and bananas in large tubs that they use ice cream scoops to serve from. The strawberries are the kind that you might see in a sundae, where you have strawberry pieces floating in a strawberry syrup. The bananas are peeled on-site, but are not peeled until they are black because they are sweeter this way. I've seen turbinado at a grocery store, so there is really nothing in the mix that you couldn't do at home.
     
  11. Guy Fawkes

    Guy Fawkes
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    I can still tune a mean pair of skis or snowboard too. Four years of working part time at the best job ever as a ski tech. I still moonlight at a couple shops and I think I'll take it up when I retire too.
     
  12. Racer-X

    Racer-X
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    - I can blow up and tie balloons like a champ. I can also create balloon arches and a few other sculptures. I learned these working at a party store in college. I can also make balloon animals which doesn't get me laid nearly as much as you'd think.

    - I can make a fantastic chicago dog. I got this skill from being a "cook" at a sports bar called the Sports Dog. The only things I "cooked" were hot dogs and sandwiches. I spent most of my time getting trashed in the kitchen. This was easily my favorite college job. I left when they started putting in actual kitchen equipment and expected me to start actually cooking using something other than a steamer and microwave. Fortunately I was still able to drink for free even after I stopped working there.

    - I can reverse into a parking space perfectly at a high rate of speed in almost any vehicle. I learned that one working as a valet.
     
  13. D26

    D26
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    Lets see:

    - I can make McDonalds "secret" big mac sauce. We ran out all the time when I worked there, so we'd have to make our own frequently.

    - I know basic shortcuts for Microsoft Office programs, and can make spreadsheets with formulas very quickly. While I don't find this a skill, people at my old job and people I go to school with tend to make me do everything because I am, apparently, "a computer guy" because of this.

    - I can make an excellent soft serve cone, again from working at McDonalds

    Those are just off the top of my head, I am sure there are more useless skills I've acquired.
     
  14. Frank

    Frank
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    - I can break down and explain pretty much any benefit program to someone, you'd be amazed at how many people have no concept of how their insurance or retirement plans work. I try to keep this skill to myself though since it's time consuming to help people with and they just ignore/forget it anyway.

    -I can paint a room like a motherfucker

    This is probably the most useful skill I've acquired since college. I spend a solid 6 hours a day in Excel and it's almost like an extension of my brain at this point. I don't even do math on calculators anymore because it's so much more natural for me to create a spreadsheet and do it all in there.
     
  15. Happy

    Happy
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    I can cook up breakfast for a whole pledge class of sorority sisters. also turn said breakfast green (on purpose.)

    I spent my adolescence working at Best Buy and Apple. From working there, I know extensively the bullshit salesmen spew, and tend to play with them in the store whenever I go in. I also get calls weekly on advice to buy any electronic equipment.
     
  16. katokoch

    katokoch
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    I can throw a shovelful of gravel on an exact spot across a street from a moving truck (while being knee-deep in gravel in the bed). Likewise I can throw a shovelful of hot asphalt a number of fun ways... over my back, between my legs, etc.

    Thanks to years in Boy Scouts, I can untie damn near any knot and have an uncanny ability to start fires (for better or worse).

    After flipping several thousand bratwurst this past summer I can confidently say I can grill them like a motherfucker.
     
  17. Atticus

    Atticus
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    Village Idiot

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    Paper Airplanes.

    When I was about 7 or 8, I folded airplanes like an autistic kid. I had a veritable Luftwaffe at my command. I'd spend hours experimenting and perfecting, until one day I made THE perfect plane. There were no cutesy loops or twirls involved. That fucker was built for speed. You could throw it like a baseball, and I swear to God it went nearly as fast and as far. Eyeballs were not safe around me.

    Somehow my reign of terror continued into adulthood:
    -I became THAT GUY at college ice-breakers involving paper airplanes.
    -I became THAT GUY at corporate ice-breakers involving paper airplanes.
    -I volunteered at a summer camp for kids with learning disabilities. At the airplane event on field day, my team of campers was unstoppable. It was about as one-sided as the Gulf War air campaign.
    -On my first date with my current girlfriend, she brought up the idea of an airplane contest. I guess it's because she's Asian and likes folding paper. I showed no mercy, and somehow we've been together three years now.
     
  18. Saint

    Saint
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    I can diagnose a problem with a submersible pump that is 300+' deep. I know, not impressive, but I had a summer job for a well service company at 16 and it has just stuck with me. Oh, and if your well "quits" Check the pressure switch first (that little gray box in front of the tank) 8 out of 10 times it is just ants that have been zapped between the contact points. Just kill the power, wipe em off. and no $100 5 min rape of a service call. "..And knowing is half the battle....GI. JOEEEEEEE"
     
  19. Trakiel

    Trakiel
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    Call me Caitlyn. Got any cake?

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    No matter how may bags of groceries I have in my car I will be able to get everything I've purchased into my house with one trip. I will loop 5 or 6 bags on each arm if necessary, balance things on top of each other, and whatever it takes to carry it all at once. I've learned how to open doors with any type of handle with just about any part of my body. So I don't have to put things down.
     
  20. Kraken

    Kraken
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    -I can pick up damn near anything off the floor with my toes.