One Night Stand Etiquette

This isn't a very nice story, I realize.

I told this story once a very long time ago and was railed by some of you fine people about how it was bull shit.

I assure you, it's true.

About a decade ago, before I had children or real responsibilities, I had a boyfriend who was a firefighter. He made the best Long Island Ice Teas ever. One afternoon, we were having a small barbecue with copious amounts of Long Islands. We then walked to a rowdy bar a mile or so away, where I continued to drink. I would later be informed that I drank "at least 23" of these damn things, I recall paying for eleven of them at the bar. Ha! Recall is a strong word, found a receipt a couple of days later would be more accurate.

There was this woman at the bar, a few years older than me, but very attractive. I challenge her to a game of pool and her boyfriend joins us. I remember his name, Will. He is pretty attractive as well, so I flirt openly with both. I end up making out with this woman in the bathroom. She asks if I would go play with her boyfriend and her, I agree as long as my boyfriend can join in. He's into it so we pile drunkenly into this woman's minivan and go to her house.

We make it and pile out of the minivan, with the woman shushing us, as her kids are asleep. This is awkward for me, a turn off, but at this stage I am committed. We make it to this woman's bedroom, where she leaps into my boyfriend's arms and they start going at it. This is also a turn off. Will is suddenly on me again, kissing me and undressing me.

Suddenly, Will's girlfriend is shrieking " I love your cock in my ass!" Over and over. I can't see them, they are on the floor. Humph, I look back at Will, who has now gotten his clothes off. I look for my incentive and realize that this man has the smallest penis I have ever seen in person. Because I am drunk, I am an asshole. I start giggling. The ludicrousness of the situation is sinking in, my bf is fucking this chick in the ass like he's on film, kids sleeping down the hall, and this guy has a fucking gummy worm for a cock.

I laugh so hard I cry, I can't stop. Will's face crumbles, he grabs his clothes and leaves. I realize I should catch him, because my purse is still in the minivan and I kind of need it. I scramble to get dressed in case I meet children and sprint out after him. He is gone. Fuck.

My boyfriend and Will's girl come out finally, she has to call him so that I can pick up my bag. That was awkward. He could never look me in the eye again.

 

I went home with a guy once who cheered for himself when he came. Like, "go Steve, go Steve, you're awesome, you're awesome". I stared at him, grabbed my clothes and left. I can put up with a lot, but that was over the limit.

One-night stand etiquette? Always have a spare toothbrush in the house just in case they stay the night. And don't fucking cheer for yourself.

Edit for Kubla: To clarify - keep a spare toothbrush for single-time usage. Like, after they make the walk of shame home, throw it out and replace it. Jesus.

 

So I think there's very little that needs to be done etiquette wise. I agree that it's nice to have a toothbrush, but why are you/they spending the night? I basically believe that unless you're FWB or something, this person should be encouraged to GTFO as soon as possible.

My worst one night stand was Halloween a couple years ago. My friends and I met a bunch of guys celebrating a birthday and did shots with them ALL NIGHT LONG. I decided to sleep with the birthday boy, except I think we maybe underestimated the level of mutual drunkenness. We fooled around for while, but then it started to be one of those endless drunk fucks--like, an hour later, he was still just hammering away. Then he stopped and asked me for a glass of water, at which point I kicked him out.

He said "can I leave you my number?" I said no. Then he asked if he could kiss me goodbye. I said no. The next morning, I was incredibly hungover and locked myself out of apartment while walking my dog. Super embarrassing evening all around.

 

Wait, so you criticised me for telling a story about being turned off by a girl who'd deliberately misrepresented by wearing a girdle under her clothes, only to then turn around and tell a story about how you laughed in some poor dude's face for having an unsatisfactory man-sausage?

Focus:

Honestly, it depends. Despite the notorious girdle incident, I do actually to invest the affair with a modicum of chivalry, so at the very least I'll walk them to the Underground (can't pay cab fares, I'm a broke-ass college student, and that shit is wildly expensive here in London). I've also lost a fair few hoodies over the years because I offer them to soften the blow of the walk of shame. Usually I get them back (often an awkward enterprise, but oh well), but sometimes the shame or the wonderful creamy softness of my hoodies prove to be too much and I never see them again. The hoodies, not the girls. Well the girls too, come to think of it.

Besides, one night stands can be all over the spectrum. You can have anything from meeting a girl at a modern art festival and being so crazily into her after three hours of erudite conversation that you tumble into bed together, or you could garble some half-intelligible nonsense at some blind drunk girl in a dimly lit dive bar while you smilingly drool on yourself and fuck her in some piss-reeking hobo's cardboard house in the back alley. It really depends.

Alt. Focus:

The best story I have is about a One Night Stand that Never Was.

About five years ago, I'd just graduated from High School and my friends and I decided to do something special for our last summer as irresponsible kids (HA! I was dumb at 18), so we booked a 3-week trip to Thailand. To this day, that's still the best trip I've ever taken, but holy fuck was it dangerous. I nearly died about five times, and one of those times is the subject of this story.

So, it was our third night in Bangkok, and we decided to hit up a club. I can't remember how we chose it (probably from Lonely Planet, those guides are the shit), but it turned to be awesome. After more drinks than my inexperienced ass could reasonably handle, I ended up chatting with this ridiculously cute older Thai girl. One thing led to another and, despite a serious language barrier, she ended up asking to go back to my hotel room. I was in!

Oh, foolish, inexperienced young man that I was. Bless me for my earth-shattering naivete'.

We exited the club, and I drunkenly waved at a taxi, but she pulled me away and signalled instead to an unmarked car that was parked nearby, saying "No, here, let's take this one". Even in my seriously inebriated state, this seemed odd, and too any non-teenager drunk on too much cheap vodka and the promise of South-Asian pussy, this would've been a huge red flag. But like I said, I was young and foolish, so I got in. The driver took off, and the girl started making out with me, so I kind of got distracted for a while. After a bit, though, I started to realise that this cab ride was either stupidly roundabout, or taking way longer than any cab ride had any right to be. As the haze of alcohol and cheap perfume clouding my brain began to be pierced by the first niggling shards of doubt, I looked out of the window and realised that we were heading away from the city centre, where our hotel was, and deep into what looked like a seriously sketchy slum.

"Hey, is this the right way?" I asked. The girl promptly grabbed me and began making out with me again. This happened another four times, whenever I tried to voice my doubt. At this point, giant cinderblock buildings had given way to some kind of shantytown and I was discovering for the first time that fear can do wonders for a man's state of inebriation.

"Would you mind stopping the car?" I asked.
"Don't worry, we're almost there." The girl replied. Quite where "there" was, I didn't really want to know. I also definitely didn't want to have sex any more. I just didn't want to be kidnapped, and possibly beheaded on the internet. My mind racing furiously, I hatched a plan.
"I'm really drunk." I said, deliberately slurring. "I think I'm going to throw up." Meanwhile, the car was slowing down, and pulling into the mouth of an alleyway.
"Oh shit, I'm definitely going to throw up!" I declared, yanking the door open and sticking my head out of it. As I did so, the car came to a halt and I stumbled out onto the sidewalk. The second I did so, I saw four or five extremely unfriendly-looking Thai men running straight at the car. One of them held a pipe, the other a piece of 2x4, and I think one of them had a knife. I took one look, yelled "CUNTFUCK!" and legged it for all I was fucking worth. Someone threw a bottle and it sailed past my ear. Something, a brick maybe, hit me in the back of the thigh, and I could hear the car's engine roaring as it reversed after me. I dodged into another alleyway, pelted down a street, and got myself thoroughly fucking lost, but I also lost my pursuers. I asked a toothless old Thai gentleman who I met in the street for directions by pointing at the X on my pocket map where my hotel was and grunting, and then I ran straight for the hotel and never stopped, even though it must've been at least three miles, and a summer night in Bangkok is like being in an oven.

In short, if you're a beardless eighteen-year-old in a foreign country, never trust an incredibly hot older woman with fake boobs who hustles you into an unmarked car (also, because it being Thailand, she's probably a dude).

 

Just general courtesy and respect. It's not a commitment, it's a want that's being fulfilled*
And no real expectation of an overnight visit, unless both are willing. If there's even the slightest hint that someone doesn't want to make it last that long, don't.

*This is, of course, based on the assumption that everyone is rolling along with clear ideas of what the night is about.

I don't have good one night stand stories, because I don't generally have them. I have had FWBs, and that never goes well because as I'm viewing him as a convenient piece of sex, he's deciding when we should get married. No fun.

 

This isn't a recent story. I was unenlightened at the time. There were several tun off factors in my story.

Response to rep: For the boys asking for clarity on a "gummy worm"- Poor Will was flaccid, likely due to alcohol and his girl taking it in the ass five feet away. Will was looking like three inches. I feel confident with my assessment, I was working in a lumberyard at the time, building house packs and such.

I'm sure that you are okay at five, as long as you know how to use it.

 

Am I the only one questioning why, despite the all the proclamations of 100% heterosexuality from 95% of the male posters on this site, apparently several of them want to know more information about this guy's penis?

I'm just joking - I know the reppers aren't gay, just insecure.

 

I'm sure you weren't really thinking it through in the state that you were in, but I'd like to point out that some people are growers and not showers.
In any case, like some said it really depends on what the context is. I don't so much have the crazy drunken type of one night stands any more, although on occasion I'll get to talking with someone at a bar or a party or even somewhere like Barnes & Noble, we'll hit it off and hook up. Sometimes it turns into friends with benefits, sometimes fuckbuddies and sometimes it's just a one time thing.
Personally if I go to the lady's place I'll leave afterwards unless I'm asked to stay. If it's at my place I have no problem if the person wants to stay or leave. Heck I'll even make you breakfast provided you like bacon and eggs. However I'm pretty upfront about the fact that after eating you should probably get going, and am willing to take you back to your car or drive you home (if applicable). There's usually no issues other than the person snores or hogs the blankets, although like most I've had a couple of strange instances.
My weirdest one night stand though also doubles as my first foray into swinging, and it started off at Outback Steakhouse of all places. Spoilered for length.

Spoiler

A friend and I wanted to go grab a bite to eat and watch the UNC-Duke basketball game. We had actually been at a house party the night before so both of us just wanted to take it easy, so the plan was to just go out, have a steak, watch a good rivalry game, and call it a night. There happened to be an Outback equidistant from both our apartments close by, so that's where we met up.
We sit at the bar and it's me, my buddy to my right, and older woman sitting to his right, then the corner of the bar. Following the bar down there was a couple sitting, maybe a little bit older than us (I was 21 at the time, my friend 23 if memory serves). The guy was decent looking, a bit paunchy, while the girl was really cute. Gorgeous gray eyes, a cute button nose, and a great rack shown off by a tube top. So as we're watching the game just eating and having a couple of beers the 5 of us get to talking. At one point right after halftime the girl gets up to go to the restroom, and as she's passing me she palms me a business card which reads:
"Hey, me and my husband are going to The Trapeze later. You and your friend are welcome to join us if you'd like"
Just as an aside, The Trapeze happens to be a swingers club, but neither me or my buddy knew this at the time. Other clues would be the guy telling us how they had gone to the Hedonism resort more than once and they absolutely loved "partaking in all the activities" is how I think he put it, and straight out asking us if we thought his wife had a great rack. Of course, neither of us picked up on the not-so-subtle hints because we were young and at no point did we ever think a couple would try to pick us up. That only happens in porn right?
In any case we end up closing Outback and the 4 of us end up talking in the parking lot. They tells us where Trapeze is and ask us if we'd like to go. Actually, she asks us while putting a hand on both our shoulders (Seriously). We actually debating not going, but figure what the hell, so we tell them we'll change and meet them there since both of us were bumming it in shorts and T-Shirts.
So we both change, I meet my friend at his place and off we go. We get to where they told us to see a squat windowless concrete building with a seedy bar right across from it, and nobody really outside except for the valet. We figure they're inside, valet the car, and go on in. As we head in we see another door manned by a security guard next to a guy behind a counter with a huge "Membership Rates" sign above it. Of course it has differing rates for single males, single females, and couples. The cheapest rate for a single guy? $150 for one month. It STILL hasn't hit us what's going on (we figure it's some members only club), but we know we're not paying that and head back outside just as the couple from the bar is walking in. He just threw on some khakis but she is wearing a micro miniskirt and extremely small spaghetti top. We tell them the situation, but he tells us that they are members and perhaps they can get us in, and heads inside. A little while later he comes out and tells us that unfortunately they cannot bring in guests, we tell them that $150 is a bit steep and that perhaps we can go somewhere else. At this point she pulls him away and they talk briefly, and then he comes back and tell us that it's been a really good month for him at work, and he wouldn't mind paying our entry fees.
What?
Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth we agree. He pays, and we enter. Once inside I look around. It is a dimly lit lounge area with couches interspersed along the walls, a bar to the right, and a corridor to the left. We see some couples making out, maybe more than usual, and it finally hits us that this may not just be a "members only club" (although come to think of it it was). They ask us if we want to head on over to the back area where it was really interesting. We shrug and figure why not, and head down the corridor to the left. At the end it branched off to a locker room and a closed off area with two swinging doors flanked by two security guards. We follow them to the locker room where the final moment of realization hits us as it is a unisex locker room. Nothing sexual was going on as people were simply disrobing and covering up with towels provided by the establishment (upon reflection later on this should've skeeved me out a lot more than it did but I wasn't really thinking it through). We head to the closed off area where she tells the guys that we were all with her so they let all 4 of us in, and BAM, I'm hit full force with an orgy to the face. It's another lounge area, but one in which there's people fucking all over the place. There are some couples just sitting and relaxing, enjoying the view, but for the most part everyone is just going to town. There were also some doors lining the far wall that led to more private rooms that you could lock from the inside. At this point me and my friend are at a loss. We come to the conclusion that they maybe want us to pick up some girls and have a swap group session. But we are dissuaded of this notion as the guy notices one of the rooms coming free and heads over. Now the 4 of us are in a small room with mirrors in 3 of the 4 walls, a bed at one end and a small bench. The two of us are flummoxed and sit down on the bench, and she sends her husband out for some drinks. As soon as he steps out she gets a devilish smile on her face, says "I hope you don't mind", saunters over, gets on her knees, opens both our towels, and starts going down on us.
Finally, FINALLY, we figure out what's going on.
So the guy comes back and both of us kinda look over with a start. He smiles, tell us to relax, holds up a bunch of condoms, and wonders if we would be more comfortable on the bed. So me and my friend head over with his wife, the guy sits down on the bench, and proceeds to simply watch as we quite frankly fuck his wife six ways to sunday. He directed the action sometimes, but was perfectly content to sit and observe.
So in any case, yada yada yada, we get dressed, say our goodbyes, and head our separate ways. On the way home my and my friend just sit in total silence until he says:
"That's never going to happen to us again is it."
To which I answer:
"Nope".
That was the only words spoken the whole ride home. To be honest, at some point in the festivities the absurdity of the situation struck me. A voice in my head kept on exclaiming "Some guy you just met paid $300 so you and your friend can have sex with his wife. What's going on?". I enjoyed it, but not as much as I would have had I been prepared in some way shape or form. Ah well, c'est la vie.

TLDR: Man pays $300 entry fee for me and my friend so we can have sex with his wife while he watches.

 

You know this from experience?

 

Hmm, then I guess I was right for throwing all those girls' things out the window and making them walk outside naked. (Joke, people)

Not a joke: I usually can't cum my first time with a new woman. It sucks, and they always get weirded out by it and don't want to see me again. Maybe those girls would have turned out to be more than one night stands if I'd have just blown my wad like they wanted.

Question for women: What are your thoughts on a guy who doesn't cum the first time?
And I don't mean "didn't cum because he had whiskey dick," I mean that he actually went at it for awhile to no avail.

 

Focus
Ladies, if you have kids and like to have random drunk sex with dudes,please inform dude that you have kids and keep your door locked.
Sincerely,
the guy who your kid saw doing you doggy style.

 

If either party has kids, go somewhere else. A hotel would be lovely, for example. We're drunk, horny, and it's going to be loud, no matter how quiet you think you're being.

Do them and yourselves a favor, eh?

 

For me personally, it's not a big deal. If you make the effort and it's just not happening, it's cool. The mistake is to go on for too long. I don't know about anyone else, but I can only go at it for an hour before it starts to get uncomfortable.


Alt-Focus: Is it still a one-night stand if it's your roommates ex-FWB? If so, then the story I told about the guy who left me bruised and sore was a one night stand. It happened because my roommate went home for the semester and I had to stay behind for another week in order to go to graduation.

 

Timely thread as I had two this past weekend. One with a girl I met and hung out with a couple times previously, and one with a girl I met that night...I know, dirty, but I showered.

Anywho, the first one didn't mind that I hung out and got breakfast with her and her roommate in the morning. She then drove me to my friends place and that was that.
The second I met during the middle of the next day while I was at a bar watching basketball with the same friend from earlier. She was collecting money for breast cancer (she didn't have cancer, just liked talking to people) and she gave me her number and wanted to meet up later. We did, and were both a bit tipsy, and she told me she wanted to make me breakfast in the morning after some fun. It went down just as she said and we hung out a bit watching TV until one ish after we ate in the morning, then she drove me to my friends house and we said goodbye. Later, she said she would be down with doing it again. I guess I made a new fwb.

Back on focus, I live about 45 minutes from where I go out, so I never bring anyone back, its a hassle for everyone. Back in college and when I lived in Florida, if we were at my place, which was more often then not because I lived two blocks from bars, I would for sure drive them home in the morning after I offered breakfast. I would expect the same in return if we were at her place but wouldn't care if she just drove me home.

Anti:I was kind of a slooter in college and managed to go home with a girl I met while walking out of the bar after closing time. She said I looked like some dude on the oc or something and invited me to walk her home. I did; less than two minutes of talking. The next morning she told me she didn't have a car and I had to take the bus twenty minutes across campus to me place. I felt dirty and used, but didn't care.