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On This, The Day of My Roommate's Wedding...

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Beefy Phil, Apr 23, 2011.

  1. Beefy Phil

    Beefy Phil
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    I'm going to be a groomsman in my college roommate's wedding this summer. The best man is the guy's younger brother, who is shy and not much of a public speaker. I, as you all know, am so fucking charming it hurts. So, I've been asked to give the best man's speech at the reception. I already have a pretty good idea what I'm going to say, but new ideas are never a bad thing.

    Focus: What makes for the perfect best man/maid of honor speech? What should go in mine? Have you ever had to deliver one? How was it received?

    Alt Focus: Wedding stories. Disasters, miracles, embarrassments. Let's have 'em.
     
  2. DrFrylock

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    I also have to go to my college roommate's wedding next month. It's been a while since we saw each other. He's a nice guy. I won't know anybody there. It's going to be awesome.

    Ah, well, excuse to make a 6-hour drive and have a weekend away.
     
  3. Kubla Kahn

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    Fuck yeah, I have a friends wedding in Vegas next month. A good excuse to get hammered drunk with my best friend from college. Ive been thinking of the speech, if I have to give one. It'll be short and sweet nothing vulgar or offensive, with a few self deprecating jokes.
     
  4. Crown Royal

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    If you are discussing the best man/groom, it is your duty and responsibility to use all means necessary in your speech to convince everyone at the reception that he is actually gay.

    It's in the bible.
     
  5. BL1Y

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    Most embarrassing thing I've seen at a wedding was a drunk maid of honor speech. At the start of the reception she started to worry because she hadn't prepared anything, and eventually just stood up and gave an incoherent rant.

    Drunk people being loud an obnoxious is par for the course, but it's pretty sad when your maid of honor can't be troubled to write down a few nice things to read later.
     
  6. Juice

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    My best friends wedding was a shit show. It's amazing how crazy people go when they've never experienced an open bar before. Things that transpired:

    - A bridesmaid throwing up in the bathroom during the reception from too much champagne and scallops during pictures
    -2 Connecticut State Troopers getting into a fist fight (the groom is a state cop) outside the reception hall
    -The brides mother making out with her new boyfriend middle school style in front of her ex-husband and entire family
    -Some random person at the reception having to be taken away in an ambulance due to an allergic reaction to shellfish
     
  7. DrFrylock

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    I was at a high school friend's wedding and was sitting at the "friends" table with everyone who was under 45. Big wedding, lavish everything.

    Eighteen months later the friend was divorced and married again to the guy that sat next to me.
     
  8. lostalldoubt86

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    I think I've told this story before, but I went to the best redneck wedding. The couple got married on the back porch of their double-wide. The reception was 3 kegs and all the Toby Keith albums on repeat. The flower girl's parents were not speaking at the start of the wedding because her father cheated on her mother with her aunt. Three hours later, I walk in on the flower girl's parents fucking in the bathroom. At the end of the night, the couple shared a 4-wheeler and went mudding in their wedding clothes.

    Did I mention all of this happened in Pennsylvania?
     
  9. Binary

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    I went to a fairly unremarkable wedding several months ago. His family is pretty conservative so I expected something very formal and subdued, which it was. In the middle of the ceremony, the officiant asked them to hold hands, broke into a long speech where every line started with "These hands..." as in, "These hands will comfort you in times of distress" etc.

    Then it kept going, and kept going. 20, 25 lines. Then, it started to get awkward.

    "These hands will caress you as you share your marriage bed."
    "These hands will touch you passionately each night."
    "These hands will pull you tight to each other to express your love."

    These hands will insert an undetermined number of fingers...

    It was all I could do to suppress laughter looking at the horrified faces of parents and grandparents around me.
     
  10. Frank

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    Unfortunately I wasn't there, but I've heard the story first hand:

    Two of my cousins (they're brothers) went to one of their friend's wedding. One of them is a 6'2" 250 pound football player that likes to get drunk and break dance, during one of the songs he gets a circle around him with a lot of people, including the bride and her parents. So he does a cartwheel in the middle of the circle, and because of the the booze, doesn't properly judge how far it took him and immediately did another cartwheel. About halfway through he cartwheels right into the bride, forcefully knocking her down, shattering her drink and destroying a wedding prop. Instead of stopping to make sure everything is ok, he finishes the cartwheel, transitions into a windmill and strikes the spoilered pose.

    [​IMG]
    The music stops and everyone goes into a dead silence except his brother who is laughing hysterically. A couple seconds later his wife (who is pregnant) storms over to him screaming and pulls him out of the reception.
     
  11. Sherwood

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    I was the best man at my brother's wedding 2 years ago, and will do so again for my college roommate's wedding in February. A few notes from my experience

    1) Be sincere. Remember, your friend has told you that he wants you to stand up and give their first toast on the most important day of their lives. That's an honor not to be taken lightly, so make a few jokes, but don't make IT a joke. Remember, nobody is here for your speech and you're NOT a stand-up comic.

    2) This is not the presidential inauguration. 5 minutes is too long. Aim for 3.

    3) Look online for best man speeches. You will find 3-4 jokes that are told over and over again. Don't make them. They're stupid. "If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?" That specific joke is grounds for murder.
     
  12. lust4life

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    Thank and compliment the parents of the bride for the reception. Then compliment the groom on what a wonderful job he did with the floral arrangements.

    "[Groom's name] said at the bachelor party how he's going to be the king of his castle. But I'm sure [bride's name] has already learned that not all rulers are 12 inches."

    "As I look at this happy couple, one word comes to mind: ADOPT!"
     
  13. ghettoastronaut

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    And I'll bet you're going to look gorgeous in your white dress while you do it.
     
  14. Striding Man

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    Even if they tell you there's no reception, plan on giving a toast. I got lucky.

    One of my closer friends from high-school got married in Vegas in Feb to his high-school girlfriend, and asked me to be his best man. The weekend was a blast. Raging drunk bachelor party, shooting guns at the range, gambling, clubs, shows...everything. During the planning stages for all of this, he specifically told me that they were not having a reception, and not to worry about a toast. Never once did it occur to me, my wife, nor any of our other friends who were attending that durring the "champagne toast" after the ceremony that the officiant of the wedding would be putting me on the spot to speak. Luckily, I'm a bit of a "wing-it" personality. So I made an innocent joke about the groom, paid several compliments to the bride, about how he's a better man when he's with her, or something close to that and ended it. The whole thing took less than 2 minutes, and my buddys mom later said it was the best wedding toast she'd ever heard. Only my wife knows that I totally wung it, and she still makes fun of me for not being "better prepared."
     
  15. scotchcrotch

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    I wrestled my out of control drunk cousin-in-law to the ground after she threatened to slap her mother at my wedding.

    Cops came. I was questioned and threatened with arrest for false imprisonment.

    It pretty much killed the evening.


    -

    I'd be lying if I wasn't a fuckup at family events. I got my 19 year old half-brother drunk off jager bombs at my grandmother's funeral reception.

    He ended vomiting on the bar as his parents took him home and scolded me while leaving.

    Miss you Grandma.
     
  16. $100T2

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    I was the best man at my brother's wedding, which sucked for me as I was 4 years younger, not old enough to drink, and all the groomsmen were his fraternity brothers. Needless to say, the bachelor's party was without $100T2.

    They played a funny little joke on him though, which I'll share if you want to duplicate it. One of the guys stands up and says, "OK, now that these two are officially married, we need every guy here who has a key to (sister-in-law)'s place to come turn it in. You know who you are, let's go." They had bought about 30 blank keys and had all their male college friends bring them up and put them in a wine glass. Then, he says, "OK, and now all the girls who have a key to (brothers)'s place, bring 'em on up, too." Only my mother came up. Good shit.

    My speech was simple, with only one quick joke. I taped about 50 pieces of printer paper end to end, and taped a magic marker for weight to the last page. I then rolled it all up and kept it inside my pocket. When it was time for my speech, I stood up and said, "I just have a few quick things to say," held the top of the first page and let it unfurl to the floor. It dropped off the table and rolled 40 feet or so. Got a few laughs, and that was that. I kept the speech itself exceptionally short, said nice things about the both of them, and that was it.
     
  17. LessTalk MoreStab

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    I’ve been a best man twice and a groomsman once. Talking in public hold no special fears for me so that’s fortunately not a problem, especially since last time I was best man was by default. I was supposed to be groomsman, but the grooms brother was grounded by a tropical cyclone. I got the call at 6pm the night before the wedding that my role had been “upgraded” and the cushy job of groomsman slipped through my fingers to be replaced with the speech giving role of best man.

    Googled the fuck out of speeches for about 2 hours and created Frankenstein’s monster from the butchered remains of about 20 different speeches all stitched together with some pithy anecdotes to personalise the bastard. Kept it under 2 minutes.

    Tips:

    Best practice is to deliver it dry, don’t try and be a comedian, the likelihood is you will come off as a dickhead.

    Don’t read the whole thing, you will almost certainly come off as a mental defective. (Cue cards are fine.)

    If you can’t remember a long speech, don’t make one, unless you are awesome people appreciate short and from the heart.

    Don’t be nervous about appearing to be nervous. Guy’s will respect that you sacked up to do something that was clearly terrifying to you and there is a strong chance women will find you "sweet" mix booze with this and you can be onto a winner (I’ve seen this happen several times) (Not if the guy is nervous, reading & trying to be funny though, this is a train wreck)

    Don’t drink too much until all the formalities are over, or you will be remembered as “that retard” for MANY years.
     
  18. Frank

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    I've seen this done a couple times, it seriously doesn't get old.
     
  19. TJMax

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    I've mentioned it before, but here it is again:

    My brother's best man steps up in front the large reception, full of people ranging in age from 18 to 80+. After advising that any kids (none present) and the easily offended "might want to go potty now," he told everyone how he and me/my brother's mom "had him figured for gay." That wasn't really fair though, he said: "If you drive one nail, nobody calls you a carpenter. But you give one blow job..." and quit on that high note.

    The only time I've been the best man, I opened with a bit I found online, questioning whether the bride was "getting a good deal". I kept it short and sweet; seemed to go over well.