Oh God I'm Coming

Inspired by this poor guy:
Man Plagued By 100 Orgasms A Day

Focus: Bizarre side effects that you've experienced from an accident, medical treatment, whatever.

Alt-Focus: Inappropriate orgasms. Have you ever come in a totally inappropriate place? Like church, or the kid's playground at McDonalds?

 

Inappropriate like involuntary? Because I don't think guy's orgasms work that way, the 100 orgasms a day guy notwithstanding. That being said, I rubbed one out in the dressing room of a JC Penney's once.

 

Alt-Focus: I once rubbed one out in the bathroom at my Mexican restaurant job as a fifteen-year old. It reminded me of the scene in Clerks II where this discussion takes place:

"Randal Graves: [about the Go-Karts] It just centers me, alright? Kinda the way jerking off at work centers you.

Dante Hicks: I only did it that one time. And it wasn't to center me.

Randal Graves: Yeah, it was to cum. Well I dunno about you, but cumming centers me.

Dante Hicks: Then why did we have to leave work so you can ride the Go-Karts to clear you head?

Randal Graves: Well, I don't wanna jerk off in the Mooby's bathroom! What if a customer comes in and my jerking off gets him all sex nuts and retard strong, and suddenly I'm fighting him off as he tries to jam my dick in his mouth!

Dante Hicks: The most likeliest of scenarios."

I also had a lot of inappropriate boners as a kid since I was about eight, and one of my first orgasms I can recall was when I really had to piss but was stubbornly trying to read through another chapter of my Wheel of Time book at eight years old, was wearing boxers and jeans, and so I started rubbing my legs together. My penis essentially after five minutes of this action "pumped weirdly", and after that (I think I audibly gasped, I forget) I sat there, looking around myself as it was silent reading time, and wondering what the fuck just happened to me. I raised my hand, went to the bathroom with the bathroom baton or whatever, and discovered a small spot of sticky stuff. I used a paper towel to clean the spot off and went back to class.

 

I experience recurring tinnitus as a result of rabies vaccinations.

Does cumming too soon count as inappropriate?

 

Focus: Not so much bizarre but sad. When I started taking an antidepressant, it wrecked my libido. On those rare cases I was able to get an erection, it was like someone put a local anesthetic in my dick. Now that I know what it's like to give someone a handjob while getting absolutely nothing out of it, I can identify with women that have been married for 20 years.

Alt-Focus: I jerked it in a DC-10 bathroom at 34,000 feet. It was 2 AM and I couldn't sleep. I regret nothing.

 

FOCUS: I broke my left wrist twice in the span of about two years in my early teens. As a result between the bone thickening through recovery and some scar tissue, my left wrist is noticeably bigger than my right. Not to the naked eye, but usually about an extra hole on a watch strap or bracelet for sure.

Alt-focus: Well my first experience in that venue happened at water parks. Struggling to climb onto floating rafts or pedestals, my groin would get really throbbing and ticklish and then all of a sudden as I was finally climbing onto the top, the spasms happened and I'd collapse happily, thinking I was tired but really in per-pubescent post-orgasmic bliss. Kind of gross to think about actually.

When I was 14-15, I went through this odd phase where I was able to give myself really quick and effective, essentially, OTPHJs. Few of the highlight locations were in the back of Honors English class when my earliest love Hallie was leaned forward in her desk showing scandalous top of underwear/lower back action, in the back row of the school bus looking out the window during the last few stops before my house, and most amusingly, in a dentist chair waiting for the dentist for what felt like too long, thus, FAP FAP FAP...man, teenagers are fucking disgusting creatures. Present company included.

 

Focus: For about a month, I had an orgasm every time I yawned due to an antidepressant. The best/worst part was that the medication made me yawn constantly.

 

Focus: I used to have eczema REALLY bad as a kid. When I got chicken pox at the same time as a bad eczema outbreak, my limbs literally became gray-red and like Walking Dead-levels zombie-like. It was pretty horrible. I had to soak thoroughly in oatmeal bath and the surviving couple of pictures of me at that time make me like l was all dressed up in expensive prosthetics for a movie. I was six, I think.

My eczema nowadays barely exists, and is nowhere near the "WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM" levels it once was.

I had to have three eye surgeries to repair my lazy left eye, and every time I got out of those surgeries, for about a month afterward I would have eyes so bloodshot it looked like there was no eye white, just eye red. Also, as a result of those surgeries, I think my leff eye has gotten weirdly better night vision. It could just be my imagination, though.

 

Alt Focus: I masturbated in the school bathroom a few times when I was 13, but that was honestly as much to get my hard on to go down as it was just needing to rub one out. Done it on a plane a couple of times. 11 hour flights can get really boring, ok?

 

I gained 170+ lbs in a year from anti depressants. I want to trade side effects.

I've fucked or gotten blow jobs in a bunch of fucked up places. St. Paul's cathedral in London probably stands out as the most notable. Yesterday I got a two girl blow job in the spa of an apartment complex pool area, at three in the afternoon and full daylight, in full view of 100 or more apartments and a construction crew. The bubbles added a little subtlety to I guess, nobody seemed to notice.

 

I sincerely hope none of you ever get to a point in your lives where the only option is to jerk off in a porta potty.

The first time's the worst, though. You get kind of used to it after that.

 

While we were in East Timor we were locking ourselves into the air conditioned electronics repair van for a wank. That was a boring eight weeks. I also cranked a couple out while on phone picquet in the middle of the night.

 

Focus:

I had migraine headaches, hip arthritis but the weirdest was iritis develop from a really bad trauma back in 2001. Iritis causes your irises to flare up and make you feel like an eagle owl is grabbing the rear of your eyeball with its talons whenever bright light hits them. Because of this, I have bloodshot eyes a LOT more often than any of you already think I do.