FOCUS: Has this happened to you? How did it come up? How did they tell you about Dad putting his outtie into Moms innie? I think I just creeped myself out. Ick.
My stepmom recently inquired about what hubby and I are using for birth control. I asked if she knew what the most reliable method of birth control is. "Abstinence." she said. "That's the one!" I exclaimed. She asked why and I said that it is mainly because hubby is nearly 50 so things just don't work like they used to and she says: "That's not true! Your dad and I still do it allll...." "LALALALALALALALAAAAAAAA! I can't heaaaaar you!" I shouted before nearly hanging up on her. And yes, as Frebis so thoughtfully pointed out: it is probably actually mostly because I am a fat, scaly wildebeest. We all have our flaws, including my husband.
When I went hunting last Thanksgiving, it was the first time I had really hung out with my dad for an extended period of time since my parents divorced and he was openly with another woman. One night, we were at dinner at his best friend's house and there was a bunch of guy talk going on at the table--basically one of those "talk about pussy like it's a potato chip" kinds of conversations. Everyone was chipping in and telling stories and then my dad put down his V.O. and said that he'd just started trimming up...down there. Before I could ask for this tangent in the conversation to be eliminated, another guy chimed in with, "Well why the hell do you do that?" To which his reply was, "Well, [new woman] sucks dick like a champ if there isn't as much hair." Awesome... I swear to god, I drank 3/4 of a bottle of Eagle Rare that night trying to burn that picture out of my brain. All it got me was really drunk, and horribly hung over the next day, when I had to lash myself to my tree stand to keep from falling out of it. I've never heard anything about my parents having sex (thankfully) but there was this one time when my mom confided in my girlfriend right before my father left to tell her about the first time they had sex since she had started cancer treatment. She said it was a very awkward conversation, and thankfully kept any and all details about that talk to herself to protect me.
My mom is the least sexual person out there; to the point where "lying there and thinking of Ireland" would probably be too much for her, so I am pretty sure I am adopted.
My mom claims she told her boyfriend that she won't be having sex as a caveat of them dating (she's in her late 50s and he's in his late 60s so my mind hopes this can be true). To bad he's a saucy Brit who just loves to gush about his love for everything relating to sex. Most of the time he'll be talking about something, boobs, underwear, fellatio,etc and try to turn the conversation to my mom, "...and your mother," which I always respond before he gets any further, "Stop right there, don't say that shit in front of me." My mom usually stops him too because she's rather reserved, for the sake of her children's sanity. My dad, who had a deep love for pornography, never really ever mentioned anything about my mom and his love life, thank god. Too bad I stayed up late watching Tysons comeback fight against McNeely and after storming upstairs after the shitty match heard my parents going at it in their bedroom. Those sounds haunt me to this day.
Are you kidding? I never even got "the talk." Which is probably a good thing. Lord knows how much more fucked up I'd be if he had.
I walked in on my parents when I was 11. My mother was on top. I quickly left, and it was never spoken of again. Honestly though, it's not a big deal. Unless you're adopted or just happen to be Jesus, your parents have fucked. If you can't handle that, you're just not gonna make it.
Stop wishing the adoption thing on people, I was adopted and when I met my birth mother when I was 30 one of the things she asked me was if I would like to see the spot where I was on concieved in the back of a car. I said no thank you.
I think I saw my parents kiss each other, briefly, once. Never seen anything else - hugging, holding hands, sitting next to each other, anything. The most detailed conversation about their young blooming romance was my mom telling me they once went to see the grand prix in Montreal together (my mom doesn't watch F1 racing - did she used to be cool?). Coincidentally my parents don't even know I have a girlfriend, let alone that I've been dating her for two and a half years. I await your psychoanalysis.
I was artificially inseminated so I like to believe my parents never had sex, the weird sounds I heard growing up at night must have just been the house settling or something.
I'll one-up you. My fiancee's father refuses to acknowledge that I'm going to marry his daughter. He also just calls me her "friend". The best part? When we go to visit them he won't allow us to sleep in the same bed. We sleep in different fucking rooms.
The fact I spent the majority of my life on a mission to raise drunken hell, gives the story of my conception a bit of irony that we can only laugh about. My brother was supposed to be an only child, until my mother was in a head-on collision with a drunk driver. At the time her car was a MG Midget, for whatever reason that night she took my father's pickup, and had she not would not have walked away. After reflecting on her brush with death, I'm sure a little dinner and wine on an August night, and 9 months later a little Dave is on the way. I've never asked for further details.
I remember one summer when I was about 10 or 11 going out somewhere with my neighborhood friends and since we were so young, this required an adult to give us a ride to and from. We didn't get back until late, like around midnight-ish, and I head back to my house. When I get close, I hear Pink Floyd coming from the downstairs living room, so I figured that my folks were just having a bit of wine again and causally strolled to the side door of the house to let myself in. It was locked, and being so young I didn't put it all together fast enough. So I figured if the music is coming from the living room, my parents are there and can let me in, so I head to the back porch. What I saw has scared me for life. Both rents naked and my mom was going down on my stepdad. I made a hasty departure, and crashed at a friends place with no explanation given as to why I wasn't staying at home. I'm drunk, and that was extremely hard to type for a lot of reasons.
I walked into the kitchen at my parents' house a few years ago only to hear my dad ask my mom "You want me to toss your salad?" I mean, he was talking about an actual salad she was fixing for dinner while I was grilling steaks outside. But....still.
Fortunately for me, my parents have never had sex (I was delivered by a stork. Yes I was, don't try to tell me any different, lalalalala), so I don't have to worry about that haunting my nightmares. When I was about four years old, my two year old brother and me were playing in the kitchen when the pot of water on the stove started boiling over. This scared the shit out of us, so naturally we started screaming at the top of our lungs. Mom was in the shower when she heard us, (pretty sure leaving two young kids in the kitchen with boiling spaghetti while you take a shower is bad parenting, mom) and I'm sure it sounded like we were being attacked by a rabid pedophile. She came running out naked, took the pot off the burner, and ran back to the bathroom. That's probably #1 on my list of "shit I didn't need to see." Definitely gonna have to drink myself to sleep tonight after typing that out.
My mother recently confessed to me that I was conceived the weekend of my grandfather's funeral. I didn't ask for details in any way, but it was hinted that it may or may not have happened in the car on the way to the cemetery. That was more information than I could have ever wanted.
I should probably (not) post two horrible stories that have to do with my late mother and (perhaps still alive) stepfather. I'm pretty sure I posted the latter of the two on the other board. First: I came downstairs one night when I was about 14 to get a drink or something thinking they were asleep after a night of drinking. I can't be sure but I think he said "Can I rub my cock up and down the side of your face?" to my mother. Now, why it would behoove anyone to rub their cock about the face of another is beyond me but I gotta give him props for asking permission first and not mincing words about it. This was in the beginning of their long and tumultuous relationship. Second: After they'd been together for a while, my mom told me that, ah, my stepdad couldn't get it up unless he watched her with another guy. They had apparently been partying at a seedy motel down in the seedier part of Richmond, VA. My mom decided to have a mid-afternoon siesta so my stepdad called a cab to take him to the bar. On the way to said bar, he brooched the subject of the cabbie laying pipe to my mom while my stepdad watched. Cabbie politely declined, dropped my stepdad off at his destination and went back and fucked my mom. Knocked on the door, offered her a stiff one and away they went. I am so totally not kidding. My mom recounted this story to me some time later. That is an image I will never scrape from my brain. She was a more hardcore drinker than our own resident functional alcoholic. She died of cirrhosis at age 51 and was the color of a school bus when she died. Most of the last decade of her life was spent in such a filthy manner that I don't doubt anything she told me about those days, sadly.