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Not so fast bitch, I'm a warlock

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by rei, Jul 19, 2012.

  1. rei

    rei
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    Emotionally Jaded

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    From reddit

    This should be in a quote tag but for some reason the board wont let me

    "An ex-girlfriend of mind was kind of Wiccan, but her older sister was REALLY Wiccan. Like always talking about astral projection and spells she was putting on people and reading our destinies in our palms and talking about how fate meant for us to be together and way too into movies like The Craft. Well, I guess fate meant for my girlfriend to fuck another dude rather than be together forever, so I dumped her ass.
    A few nights later, around midnight (OF COURSE), I get a call from her older sister doing her spooky witch voice. Picture a girl with a thick Southern accent trying to sound like a spooky Disney witch.
    "Ooooooh, since you broke my sister's heart, I'm going to put a curse on you."
    "Oh, hi. Maybe your sister shouldn't have sucked another dude's dick."
    "What kind of curse should I put on you? I need something good, something evil, some black magic..."
    "Well..." And I started ad libbing. "I should tell you it's not going to work."
    "...why not?" And for some reason, she starts taking me seriously.
    "I didn't want you to find out about this too soon, but I'm actually a very powerful warlock. Did you think my going out with your sister was just a coincidence?" Fuck if I know, at this point I'm rolling.
    "You're just bluffing," she says, but I can hear she's uncertain. "I didn't pick up anything in your aura..."
    "Really? You thought you could read my aura?" Do I even know what I'm saying? I have no fucking idea. "Come on, that's bush league shit. EVERYONE knows how to disguise their aura. Well, everyone except you, of course."
    She's silent. Holy shit, she's buying it.
    "C'mon, do you think people who are the real deal go around talking about their aura and showing off their spells? Think about it. The real witches and warlocks around here do more than get drunk at coven. I was going to invite your sister, but she didn't pass the test. You think that guy just HAPPENED to be there? You think this wasn't all part of the PLAN? But she failed the test and now..." DUN DUN DUN "There are consequences."
    I know I'm talking like a horror movie villain now but I am ad libbing furiously and trying not to die laughing. She finally starts talking again, but her voice is shaky.
    "I...you can't! I've got wards of protection..."
    "Your wards..." I put my voice down very melodramatically to a whisper. "Are gone."
    Now I don't believe in that shit and I was just fucking with her, but apparently fate had a sense of humor because (I found out later) her mom accidentally dropped a glass out in the kitchen right after I said that.
    All I knew was I heard the sound of glass breaking and she started screaming and freaking out and I hung up the phone because I was in tears from trying so hard not to laugh and had to explode.
    Every time I saw her from that point forward she'd do all her "protection signs" (kinda like the evil eye gesture but from someone that's completely nuts) and then run the other way while I just stared her down. Then promptly laughed my ass off when she was gone."

    FOCUS: What's the best / craziest lie you've ever told to get someone to stop bothering you?
    ALT-FOCUS: Any funny story about crazy pseudo-wiccans.
     
  2. dubyu tee eff

    dubyu tee eff
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    Thinks he has a chance with Christina Hendricks...

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    During my time in South Carolina, I used the "I'm not from around here" excuse more times than I can count. It became my crutch for even the mildest of socially awkward situations. People generally took my word for it, surprise surprise.
     
  3. Loke

    Loke
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    Village Idiot

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    Sorry lady, I suck cock.
     
  4. dixiebandit69

    dixiebandit69
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    Whenever some Christian zealot comes up to me wanting to gab about God and ask for money, I tell them that I'm Jewish to get them off my ass.

    I've found that works best; if you tell them that you're an atheist or a member of the church of Satan, it just results in an argument.
     
  5. guernica

    guernica
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    I've found that speaking a different language can help get rid of people.

    I only know English, and all my accents sound Indian, but it's fun trying anyway.
     
  6. lust4life

    lust4life
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    Smile and nod a lot, and then TALK REAL LOUD LIKE THE DEAF STEREOTYPE THAT IS COMPLETELY FALSE. Farting works, too.
     
  7. Misanthropic

    Misanthropic
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    From what I hear, acting as if you haven't crapped your pants on the subway is also very effective.
     
  8. subgeniuschick

    subgeniuschick
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    Experienced Idiot

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    They probably just think you're insane, which also works quite well. Tuesday when the tenth person of the day asked me "Hot enough for ya?" - I yelled "TOMATOES!" and walked away. They haven't spoken to me since.
     
  9. RCGT

    RCGT
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    I've realized that you can get away with a lot if you look Vaguely Ethnic, especially if you're brown.

    When I was in Egypt, I needed a cover story. Everyone I met was very curious, and I'm Hindu, but I wasn't keen on explaining the whole concept of polytheism/monism to everyone I met. The one time I tried, the guy just cracked up - didn't stop laughing for a good 15 minutes. "A thousand gods! You can have a thousand gods! How can you have a thousand gods!" And so on.
    Luckily, I'm Vaguely Ethnic. I don't have north Indian facial features, I had a beard, and I wore Bata sandals everywhere.

    My first week in Egypt, some cabbie mistook me for Saudi (apparently, only people from the Gulf wear sandals). This became my go-to cover story for the rest of my time there, and it worked flawlessly. Pretty much everyone thought I was a rich Saudi kid educated in the US with Daddy's oil money. I can't count the number of times I was asked for directions, only to stammer in broken Arabic that I wasn't from around there.

    My cover story even had some side benefits. The best had to be one of the times I went to Khan el Khalili, one of the most famous historic markets in Cairo. I was chatting with one of the shopkeepers, while across the alley two of my female friends were getting the typical Egyptian hard sell (read: badgered to death) by another shopkeeper.
    As soon as I mentioned I was Saudi, the guy goes over to his buddy and says something I can't hear. Immediately, this guy changes his attitude 180 degrees - he's suddenly the nicest shopkeeper in the world. Saudis have some sort of reputation in Egypt, apparently. I have no idea what the guy said, and I can't imagine he was somehow intimidated by me, but it was pretty memorable nonetheless.