I’ve been in a relationship for a fair while, and I am probably a better person than I used to be in my early 20’s, but my track record with female friends was very poor. When the dice fell on both single, both drunk and both stumble home together, things always got sexual. Afterwards things always went pearshaped. The one Girl-friend I knocked back (because I had learned from my mistakes and valued her friendship) held it against me and things went pearshaped. So all the negatives without getting down to all the nasties that had been running through my mind for the past 18 months, I still rate this as a fail. So no, I do not think it is possible to have a friend you are attracted to and not act on it, or at least become emotionally damaged when they end up with someone else. On the dark side of this when you have a friend that you’re not attracted to, there is a better than fair chance they burn a candle for you, this will derail you from the other direction.
First off, if she puts up the "Hey, why not? Let's fuck!" offer and the guy turns it down he's gay. HE IS GAY. Guys will always keep it the back of their mind what it might be like to nail their female friend, and he's anticipating that sometime in the future a night getting really wasted together will unleash the hounds. I never, EVER have met a single straight man that has turned down scot-free sex. I can be friends with females a lot easier now that I'm married, but when I was single it was only a matter of time before I was trying to climb into their drawers. On the other hand, if he/she is extremely unattractive, that probably solves anything else.
I'm 100% straight and I've turned down sex from a female friend before. Why? I was not attracted to her at all. She's overweight and is like one of the guys. But more importantly.... The best lesson I learned in college was to make platonic friends with females you are not attracted to. You are guaranteed to get more sex from her friends, and if you go out to clubs or bars with them, you are guaranteed to hook up. Women wingmen are much more effective than male wingmen. They know how women think and make you appear less threatening. If you're not attracted to your female friend, you won't burn the conveyor belt of pussy. I increased my success rate ten-fold by using a female wingman. Try it and thank me later.
I think some people can be just friends with people of the opposite sex. I have a friend that is really just a friend. We met online on a dating site and met up to see a band play and there just wasn't any chemistry there... we did become fast friends though. When I'm in town and with him, I sleep in his bed.* Several years ago, he got his Master's degree and had a graduation/birthday party. At the end of the night it was just me, his brother and one of his sisters awake downstairs - so we say good night and I go to walk upstairs and they give me this look like "and just where are you gonna sleep?" and start giggling. It was pointless to try and explain otherwise so I just let them think whatever. I told him after I got in bed that they were absolutely certain that we were having sex. *Unless he's seeing someone and then it's a respect for her thing. And/or she's there. The majority of my circle of friends is guys. Granted, I've grown up with most of them and am more like a sister to them than anything. And we live in a small ass town. That probably has a lot to do with it.
I have two very, very close male friends. Both are straight (in fact, one is a giant manwhore). I would never, ever date or sleep with either one and they would never date/fuck me. At no time was there ever a spark of sexual interest. We just get along really well together and mean a great deal to each other. How many people have a friend that will fly half way across the country solely for the purpose of helping you move half way across the country? Hell, my FAMILY wouldn't do that. I've been friends with both for about five years (we all went to school together). While I can honestly say that men and women CAN be purely platonic friends, having a deep, close relationship like that does have implications. For a period of about 2 years I was ridiculously close to Z - spent every waking moment together. After graduation, it switched to B - dinner out or we'd hang out at each others houses after work. When you have that sort of circumstance I think it fills the 'love' need that most of us have in our lives. I know, looking at our cumulative histories during that time, that NONE of us were in any kind of relationship. One-nighters or FBs or FWB, nothing more. Why? Because sex was the only thing missing from our relationship, and the other person was not needed to fill the void of "I'd like to share my life with someone." It compartmentalizes things, I think. In short, hell yes...men and women can be friends without it being one-sided or someone stuck in the 'friend category' against their will. However, having a relationship that's too deep will often stagnating you from finding that person that can be both: friend and sexual partner.
So... you're saying being friends with a girl because YOU GET TO STARE AT HER SEX PARTS, making it different than being friends with a guy because OF THE FACT THAT SHE HAS A HOLE TO PUT THINGS IN. Seriously, do you forget the first part of your paragraph before you start writing the second? And nobody here said, "We're only friends with our female friends because we're trying to fuck them." No, we are not trying to fuck them. The question is if we would turn it down. I have plenty of girl friends, some attractive, some not really. Would I fuck them? The attractive ones, sure. Am I ever actively seeking them out? Nope. Does that make any of us a terrible person? Nope, we're just humans who like to fuck.
Unless you are extremely unattractive and/or bordering on obesity you are 100% wrong, both of them would if given a chance. There is no need for discussion they would. The end.
Couple of things. One, good lord I dont miss TheBunny. Two, I don't think anyone has argued that they'd fuck someone they weren't attracted to either physically or emotionally, again this doesn't mean you can't be friends with them. Three, while I agree that lack of sex and emotional attachment can cloud your judgement, I think it just sounds funny that you say we aren't walking sex cannons in the first sentence but later compare sex deprived dudes to chemically dependent drug addicts.
Puh-leeze. Plenty of men find lazy eyes and 150 extra pounds of weight attractive. No, they do!!! But seriously, folks... This thread is much like one of those "How do I get my girl/boyfriend to...?" or "What are the ideal characteristics of a man/woman?" threads. Know what? There is no true answer. For SOME people purely platonic relationships with the opposite sex are completely unrealistic. For others they're only possible if the other person is a wildebeest. And then for some, like me, it's entirely possible. I know the notion of two average-looking people who do NOT want to fuck each other's brains out is like describing the colour red to someone who is colourblind for some people reading this, but it's true. The thought of fucking either of those two guys (and I'm sure it's the same for them fucking me) is akin to fucking a sibling.
I think if you offered up some no strings attached sex to them they'd get over the supposed family closeness feelings mighty fast. If a guy could have sex and not have it mean anything emotionally what difference would it make if they were your best friend or a random at a bar?
But that's just the point...in the circumstance I've described, how could I in good faith offer up 'no strings attached,' and how could he go through with it without emotions? Are all men wired so that they can turn off years and years of deep, meaningful friendship and have the encounter be just a fuck? Anyone who's ever had sex with anyone else knows that sex changes things...you really can't predict what any relationship will be like after you fuck. In some cases it turns weird and awkward, in some it completely removes the attraction, in some it's like nothing happened. I don't see how if you're really, really good friends with someone you could turn the encounter into some random hookup.
We all understand and accept that you wouldn't fuck them. But I have an extremely hard time believing that a dude will fly across the country to help some girl move, but turn down sex from that girl if it was offered up. Is it possible? Of course it is. It's also possible to win the lottery. People win the lottery all the time. But the odds are certainly not in your favor. That's the thing though, most girls probably think that they have a guy friend like that. Someone that's always there for her and doesn't have sex on the mind. Someone who is like a brother. And out of 10 million girls, maybe a handful of them are right. Who knows, maybe you have that kind of relationship. Maybe you even have that kind of relationship with 2 guys. But if that's the case then me and you need to go to Vegas or something because you're little miss jackpot. Seriously, traveling across the country to help you move? But wouldn't go inside you? Under any circumstances? I've seen your picture. You're not ugly enough for me to believe that.
I'm not sure your situation is that different from the people who look at their friends as potential sexual partners. You've said in other posts that you haven't had a real relationship in years (not stalking, just remember it from somewhere). And the friendships with these are "deep, meaningful." So aren't you doing the same thing with these guys, just substituting an emotional bond for sex? Am I off the mark? Aren't they basically quasi-boyfriends?
You underestimate the power of the dark side. Maybe you are just viewing things through the prism of a girl, who tend to attach a lot of emotions to sex. Then again Im looking at it through the blue balled prism Scootah described and my thoughts are clouded beyond who I can stick my dick into next.
I don't want to derail this thread too much on my own situation. I will say, though, that the one who flew down to help me move is the GIANT manwhore. The last time we even discussed his number he admitted to no longer being able to keep track of it...all he knew was that it was 'somewhere in the low hundreds'. The guy isn't lacking for sex, and we've discussed it many times. We both agree that fucking each other would be beyond weird. We even slept in the same bed (thank you, shithole motel in North Dakota with no available double beds) and there was never a hint of anything. I truly, genuinely believe in my heart that he just loves me as a friend and considers me part of his family. Stuff like this is possible. Yup. If you read my first post in this thread, I did say that there is a danger with this type of thing, and that is that it lets you compartmentalize stuff. "I fuck these people, but I care about those people." Is it fucked up? Probably. But as I said...it IS possible to have a deep friendship with no pining for sex from either party.
I'm sorry, I have to side with the guys here. Neg rep me all you want. I'm still friends in some way, shape or form with all my ex's. This bothers the HELL out of my SO, even after all this time (if you missed it, almost six years). He has no idea how this can happen. Am I FRIENDS with them, as in will I call them when I'm PMSing & pissed at him? Nope. In a couple words, it can't. Even my high school BF tells my mom (yes, he's still friends with her), if things were different, we could have.. Guys do not have the mentality of females. This is *not* to put them down. To us, it's friendship, to them, it's friendship, and maybe... I spent 3 years in the Army with all guys (hai, motor pool), multiple years after that being in male dominated fields and know how they think. We females, as a species, are naive. Period. It took me many years to see behind that, and multiple drunken, "Tell me, honestly," conversations with male friends to figure this out. They are what they are. Deal with it. If you're a guy, and you've never thought about banging your "friend", then either A. She's not remotely attractive, or B. You have some kind of emotional connection that blows my mind.
I gotta disagree with you here. I'm an only child and my whole family is in construction. Ever job I've ever had has been in some way associated with 'the family business.' I've worked selling building supplies, up north in the oilsands on big-assed refineries and now I work as the only female designer in an office full of men. I've been around guys all my life and I think the mistake people make is - like scootah said - assuming men are nothing but sperm cannons who would eat glass if it meant they could fuck someone.
I'll back Dcc001 on this. You have to be able to distinguish between the "desire to fuck someone" and "actually doing it." Two of my best friends are females, sisters actually. Over the past ten years, we've spent so much time together and have grown so close that we would describe each other as "like my sister" or "like my brother." I spend all holidays with their family. I attend family birthdays, graduations, vacations, etc. If their family is getting together, it's a foregone conclusion I'll be there. Both of these girls are very attractive. (Fuck, the entire family is attractive - mom, aunts, cousins). So obviously, the male in me wants to sleep with them. I'd be lying if I said I didn't; they're hot. BUT, and that's a big BUT, that doesn't mean I actually would. As Dcc001 pointed out earlier, sex can change a relationship in unpredictable ways. And I'm very conscious of that. I've spent ten years building a relationship with these girls that has developed into a whole other "pseudo-family" for me. There's no way I would risk throwing all of that away just to get my dick wet one night.
A couple of things, first if you have not specifically asked either one of those guys in a non-threatening way if they would like to know you in a biblical sense if they had the chance with no strings attached and they told you "no" to your face-then you are fooling yourself. Second, as has already been mentioned, dude that flies across the country to help you wants to fuck you badly and is secretly scheming ways to make you want to fuck him. Why do I know this, because I have been that guy before girls that said they saw me as their brother without exception I would have had an incestuous relationship with, I am sure they do genuinely like you and would do anything for you including sticking their dicks in you. I am not friends with women that I do not have some kind of attraction to ,that is the truth, it is pretty selfish on my part but I am honest with myself. I am sure that is more the rule than the exception among the male population that is not gay. Don't try to convince yourself other wise, it is ok to have them as friends but just know.
You & I can debate this for the next year. Maybe you are around the few that do not think that way, I'll give you that. Do I assume every guy that talks to me wants to get into my pants? No. Do I think every guy that I've spent a significant amount of time around (ie, working together, hanging out together, etc.) has thought about it at least once? Yes. See.... there's a difference. Do I think the former are going to try to take me home the first possible chance? Nope. But if that chance presented itself, do I think they would? Yeah. It's all about the situation, and what situation you put yourself in. I don't put myself in those situations, so they don't get the chance. But when he & I have a fight, then I ask the typical female things, "WTF does he do this?" all that good stuff, and for the first few fights, they're your "friend". After that, then they talk amongst themselves, just like we do. And place bets on who will be the first to nail you, all that good stuff. *shrug* I hope you know better than me, for both of us. In light of new post, I don't have a lot of male friends I've known for more than 6 or 7 years, due to my moving around. If I had friends I've known since high school/college my outlook may be different. Those are *true* friends, and should never be viewed in the same light as this thread.