Why should you never pick up a woman at a Laundromat? If she can’t afford a washing machine how can she afford to keep you in the manner to which you are accustomed? I wouldn’t really mind if my girl made more than me. However in my experience women are less free with their money than men, I can imagine small dramas building to large ones eventually; “Hey babe, mind if I get $200 out of the account?” “What for?” “I want to go out with the guys, I’ve been cooped up all week” “I don’t work hard all day for you to go out and drink with your friends.... etc” And as a guy you don’t really have withholding sex angle to fall back on. Also if I wanted any cool stuff I would need to ask permission..... Ok I rescind my second line, I would have a problem.
Actually, this brings up an interesting point in our relationship. While she is the primary money maker (and, because I'm currently in class, the ONLY breadwinner), I handle all of the money. I pay the bills, make our budget, balance our checkbook, make sure we have enough money for everything, do the shopping, and all that good stuff. When she wants to buy something, she asks me if we have the money. This sort of carried over from when she was a student and I was working full time and making all the money, but she has said she hates doing it. She has actually told me she doesn't necessarily know how much she makes in a given paycheck, and will frequently ask me how much she made that month. I've asked her if she has any issues with the fact that she makes the money but I'm the one handling it all, but she said that it not only doesn't bother her, she prefers it. The funny part is that the only thing that DOES annoy her is that, when we bought our house, they MADE me sign everything first. I told them she makes the money and she should be the primary name on everything, and she actually signed as the main signer the first time. They actually called us back in to make me sign first. Why, I have no idea. When she called to make appointments for the dentist, she got annoyed because they assumed we'd be using my insurance, instead of hers. Little things like that seem to bother her, and it is silly shit I don't get. Really? I REALLY have to sign first? Its that fucking important?
My wife actually DOES make more money than I do (stockbroker), and I don't have an issue with it at all. Why would I? Would I rather she make less so we have less? Fuck that static. We both cook, we both clean, we both look after our daughter in equal and/or shared doses. We've had a shared account (a shockingly rare thing with couples who live in the same household, from what I've heard) since we moved in together five years ago, and we never tell each other "no" if we want to use money on ourselves. Permission has never been asked by either of us once. I guess she's more fair than some women, but part of the reason we get along so well is that we are both total and complete flakes. It pains me when I see a guy who won't spend money on himself because "she checks our bank statements every day". That is a queue for you to terminate your stupid fucking relationship, NOW. People that stalk their other half like that are sickos, they obviously hate you in some way, and need professional help. If he/she has an issue with you having a pitcher of beers with friends after work, then they're just a complete asshole.
A friend of mine, who's half Chinese (relevant in terms of cultural disposition) has always earned less than his wife. It's even more so at the moment as he has been retrenched and hasn't "gotten around" to getting another job yet. He makes her give him all the money and he controls it. She doesn't even have enough to buy coffee and has to ask him for the funds. So he makes her do various domestic things to earn "dollars" that she can redeem for things she wants. I've never asked, but I'm assuming they're not at a dollar for dollar ratio either. She totally accepts this. He keeps his pimp hand strong, that one.
I can't begin to imagine why some men would be afraid of their woman making more than them. Hey everyone, work fucking SUCKS. The vast majority of jobs are boring a suck major cock. I would much rather stay at home and manage the house. At least I wont have a boss or annoying coworkers. So yes, consider me a male gold-digger.
If it seriously bothers someone, that fact says more about their manhood or lack thereof than any paycheck could.
I know of a couple where she works and has a fairly easy job , not too many hours and earns good money as well. He stays at home and pretty much does everything. They now have two young kids , which he seems to take the greater part in bringing up. This is partly because , despite her overall intelligence , she, for one reason or another seems unable to cope with much more than her job. So , despite him in many respects "wearing the pants" in the relationship , he is fucked in that he can't leave her with the kids for any extended period of time and she is the sole income earner. Kinda fucked I'd say. I guess thats what happens when you rush into marriage. Maybe things will get easier for him when the kids get older and go to school and he has the time to work or do whatever he pleases during that time , which will more than likely mean working as she , despite her shortcomings has all the social climbing aspirations of a woman that is smart enough to get and hold decent job but bad at functioning in a broader context.
An ex of mine had a major problem with my making more money. I was breaking horses and pulling at least $500 A DAY.(Why didn't I save!!) Anyhow, he was a firefighter, a noble profession but not as generous. He hated anything that reminded him that I wasn't financially dependant on him. A memorable incident was when he came home and I was oiling a new saddle. He demanded to know how much it cost and asked why I didn't consult him on the purchase. It was a $1,200 saddle, I needed it for my JOB. Why would I ask him? I had paid the bills I was responsible for. I didn't share a bank account with him....I think he was more concerned that I could walk at any time, which I eventually did. My view on this is that it doesn't matter who makes more money. If you are always thinking of each other and your common goals, you both will invest an equal amount of energy, thought, time and money into your shared life. All of those factors are part of it.
To me, as a man, it breaks into two areas. First, the area of you are just dating. In that time, I don't care what she makes v. what I make; it is just not relevant to anything. Then, there is the area that you are considering settling down and merging finances together. There, the size of the pie matters, not who adds more to it. So personally, I couldn't really care if she makes more or less than me. However, it is my experience that it really does matter to the girls. The girl I dated through grad school basically always assumed I would make more than her. Then, she caught a couple breaks (got into a grad program she didn't think she would, missed out on a crappy internship and caught a great one the next month, etc.), while I just didn't catch any breaks. So when we both graduated our programs, she actually ended up making more than me. She really couldn't handle this and became very bitchy about it. That spread to the rest of the relationship and led to a very crappy breakup. It was only a factor in it all, but it was a very real factor.
It really sucks that your relationship ended that way, but trust me, don't use one woman's behavior to generalize how most women feel. As you can see from this thread and from what I've seen in life, many if not most women have no problem being the bread winner. What she did speaks more about her as a person than women in general. I'm sure we could find plenty examples of men being assholes about their significant others not pulling enough weight but still understand that that's not most men. The last thing you want to do is exclude an entire group of women (ones that make more money than you) because you think they'll all pull the same shit.
Assuming two people are building a life together, a relationship is a financial partnership. The solution for me is to live the lifestyle to which the lower earning person can afford to contribute half. If A earns 50 and B earns 100, the couple should live as if each partner only earns 50. In the long run, it's much harder to attempt to deal with inequity than to live on less money. Obviously, there's a minimum that it can cost 2-4 people for reasonably comfortable food and shelter, but that minimum is no more than $50k anywhere in the US. If you are in a relationship with a person incapable of earning 25k a year or unwilling to live within the means they can provide for themselves, I would offer that it is not a positive, healthy relationship. On an anecdotal basis, I've never dated a woman who out-earned me by a noticeable amount. I don't look at her making more as a positive in that she'd take care of me; rather, I see it as a negative in that she'd push me to spend my own money to match her lifestyle. It's far more important that you agree with your partner on how to spend money than how much you each make.
That’s bullshit man, I would read that as effectivly saying your woman makes more than you and as a result you need to protect your ego by creating an imaginary level playing field, this sounds poisonous in the long term. In a partnership things should be equal and shared, if one partner is bringing in more, both prosper. For better or worse baby. This obviously sours if you’re SO fucks off if the worst ever happens.
Don't forget that for a long , long time marriage was not all about love , devotion, romance , soul mates and all the stuff you will find in women's magazines. Marriage was essential for survival, for producing offspring and for property and other assets to be passed on to the next generation.
I intend to be working for people who don't pay a really really awesome salary for a significant portion of my life. I'd be totally fine with a wife that earned more than me. More money is more money. If I'm making a living, everything beyond that is gravy. Besides, there's always a chance of financial roles switching, so getting wrapped up in a "breadwinner" identity doesn't seem healthy.
I don't think he's saying that you should "level the playing field" so much as recommending that you don't overextend yourself financially, you never know what can happen. The breadwinner could always lose their job and you may have to subside off the lower income, if you live to or beyond your means you will have to scale back your lifestyle significantly which may mean losing your house and car. If you live below your means and stock away a big "oh shit" fund with the money you're not spending on more shit you don't need you'll be much more secure and probably be able to maintain your lifestyle. In the short term it's also good so that if something does happen and you break up, you won't feel entitled to a more lavish lifestyle than you can provide for yourself.
I wish my wife made more money that me. I'm not sure if it would bother me if she did, I know I've been working very hard so she can eventually stay home with the kids I would rather not have them in daycare. I can see how it could be emasculating in some situations but times are different now, most couples have dual incomes so in the grand scheme of things what does it matter? I wouldn't care if my wife made more money but I would hate a women boss. In my industry they seem to have more to prove so every high ranking women I have met has been a total c.
I make appz 15x what my wife makes, yet she feels we're on equal ground when it comes to big money decisions. Sorry, you chose a job you love, but pays dick. I bust my ass everyday and work for it. So this isn't to say I review every purchase she makes, but I sure as hell have clout when it comes to big ticket items. If I just feel like pissing her off, I'll bring up the difference in our checks and she starts fuming.
It's odd that in light of my last paragraph you concluded this was an ego-saving strategy for me. I agree that having a shared rainy day fund is a great spillover benefit of what I propose, but it's not the main thrust. I also agree that living in a way you cannot provide for yourself (or contribute an equal share towards) is irresponsible and is akin to being a welfare recipient. However, the main reason that a couple should live this way is to maintain the feeling of equality. When choosing between equality and owning more expensive stuff, how can you respect someone who chooses the stuff? You're driving at the concept that savings is a payment to yourself, and your followup question should be "who derives the benefit of the savings?" My preference is to put it into savings to be controlled by the contributor as separate property, and if they elect to share after 20 years together, so be it. However, what you choose to do with the extra 50 doesn't matter much. Save it, give it to charity, set it on fire, so long as it doesn't create a situation that leads to inequality. ScotchCrotch's post directly above is a good example of mutual resentment and negative leverage.
That's an interesting outlook, on the one hand I think most people will say you're a whack job for thinking that two people in a long-term (forgive me if I'm misinterpreting you again) relationship should spend their money individually instead of as a couple. On the other hand I can't tell you how many relationships have failed because one partner was unhappy with how the other partner was spending 'their' money. I'm going to be in a situation soon where I'm paying for much of the GF's (we've been together for over four years and are probably going to be engaged soon) living expenses because she is going to be in a low income job with a mountain of debt which, if we play our cards right, can be paid off in five years. I can tell you right now if she comes home with five new pairs of shoes purchased with the money I saved by living below my means without consulting me first, her shit will be in boxes the next day. That said I think there can be equality in a long term relationship even if one is contributing more than the other as long as you're truly in love and there is clear communication on how the money should be spent. But we'll have to see if I'm still singing the same tune next year, I've never been relied on to put food on the table for a full grown adult before. Out of curiosity what is your view on the stay at home mom or dad situation?