Nature...even the cutest things will try to kill you.

As much as I know this board appreciates otters, this story seemed fitting...

<a class="postlink" href="http://www.startribune.com/local/north/162482036.html" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">http://www.startribune.com/local/north/162482036.html</a>

FOCUS: Ever been attacked by a seemingly harmless wild animal? This is not the place for bear attacks or surfers being bitten in half by killer sharks (<a class="postlink" href="http://www.ksdk.com/news/article/328362/28/Surfer-bitten-in-half-by-great-white-shark-" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">http://www.ksdk.com/news/article/328362 ... ite-shark-</a>). More that duck biting the shit out of your hand or a rabbit going HAM on a couple on a picnic...

 

Ahh, the majestic Canada goose.....what a sight to behold watching them migrate south in their V patterns.

fuck them. Ever startle a mother on her nest while searching for a golf ball? I didnt even notice her until this giant mess of hissing, squawking, wing-flapping feathers came flying at me. I didnt have time to swing the club at her (and i would have). that thing left three big bruises on me. and the three guys i was golfing with like to bring it up all the time.

...and I might have screamed like a little schoolgirl. maybe.....

 

True story, one of my neighbors growing up, in a suburban neighborhood, had a pet raccoon. They found it orphaned as a baby and raised it much like a dog. God knows how many neighborhood kids were later messed up by vicious, angry wild racoons as a result of this one being pretty awesome.

 

ToyToy88 posted an awesome link in the Random Link thread - This could have been you.

Raccoons attack Washington state woman

Personally speaking, I once got attacked by a swan. I was just hanging back taking some photos ... well I guess I got too close because the next I thing I know it came running at me like Terry Tate. I don't care if no one believes me, but an angry swan charging you is scary stuff. I was told after the fact by a park worker that a swan could break a grown man's leg.

 

My roommate is fond of a story about how his attempts to get the mower out of the shed were thwarted by a rather crafty and angry chipmunk. Apparently, paraphrasing; he was walking to the shed and a chipmunk ran ten steps (human steps) towards him, stood on its hind legs and chattered angrily. He took a step closer, as did the chipmunk with a repeat performance. One more step, again the chipmunk chested him up and then chased him back to the house (yes, he ran from a cute, furry critter all of four inches long, women do this too but laughing instead of screaming). I never believed this story until I went out and had a chipmunk chatter at me in much the same way but with different results. The story is always entertaining but I'm not sure everyone is laughing with him so much as at him.

 

Geese. They are the devil incarnate.
A few years ago, a friend of mine and I decided skinny dipping in the dam on her farm would be a great idea. The geese didn't agree and promptly started chasing us. Without time to grab our clothing, we were chased from the dam back to her farm house and through it by a gaggle of damned geese.

Lesson learnt that day: Geese have a pretty awesome sense of fucking humour.

 

Squirrels.
They're not cute. They're furry tailed hell rodents with sharp nails and teeth. Encroach and a squirrel will chatter at you. Keep encroaching and he will fuck you right up. I wish I had a picture of the boot that squirrel slashed at when I got cocky and came too close - Fuck squirrels.
Coons, geese, and Muscovy (? Gator says so. Fuck if I know. I was eight and terrified. I didn't ask I just heard my parents laughing at us and saying some word like this) ducks are the same. Especially the ducks. They'll attack you for no good reason then waddle off quack quack quacking all cute like. I love ducks. I squeal when I see them. But fuck a Muscovy duck.

 

Hippies.

Oh sure, they're cute and fuzzy in photographs where you don't have to listen to or smell them, but up close it's a whole new ballgame.

A hippy's attack is not a traditional physical attack, it's a 2 pronged assault consisting elements of olfactory and mental anguish.

I was attacked in 1980 and I still remember it clearly. Their numbers had greatly diminished from 10 years previous, but there were still small herds roaming the wilds in VW Micro-buses.

I was working in a gas station and had just had a sub sandwich delivered when I felt the first pangs of the attack. My nose twitched from the over powering stench of filth and patuli oil, but I couldn't see any signs of danger...just the smell.

And suddenly out of seemingly thin air, there he was. A filthy hippy.

He handed me a pamphlet. A dirty, filthy pamphlet. It looked like he'd found it on the sidewalk. It was something about nuclear energy. Or whales. Or unicorns. Some sort of hippy agenda that I had no interest in and I gently explained this to him by yelling "Get the fuck out of here before I turn the hose on you!"

He held up his hands and began speaking. Thus began the second prong of his attack, the audible assault: "Whoa man. You need to calm down, you're to young to be so uptight. You know, man, I used to be just like you, man. You need to smell the flowers man. Run through a field man." Blah, blah, fucking blah. Man.

What I was unaware of at the time is that hippies are also very crafty. While he was pulling off his well planned attack, he had a comrade sneaking behind me and stealing my fucking sub sandwich.

Fuck hippies.

 

I have been attached by a goose while drunk. The son of a bitch had a nest right next to the men's room at this pool/water park that was inexplicably filled with random animals. I was stumbling into the restroom when this thing bowed up and flew directly at my face. It bit the shit out of my forearm and flew/kicked me in the chest. I managed to knock it down and run away. Moral of the story kids: pee in the pool.

 

Definitely not cute and cuddly, but I had a hawk steal my lunch from me while it was in my mouth.

I was at a small park in Yokosuka, Japan and was minding my own damn business, happily enjoying my freshly made sandwich. I take my second bite, sandwich still in my mouth, when all of the sudden it was just gone. I look over and see this flying jerk with my lunch in it's clutches, taking it away to enjoy his free meal.

I was pretty pissed off, but some old man that watched it all go down was in tears from laughing so hard.

 

Add me to the list of being chased by Geese. I wish I could use the excuse of being drunk at the time, but I was out for a morning run around a local lake and got too near a nesting pair. Daddy Goose made damn sure I knew that I should leave post haste.

A couple of years ago I was hiking in Yosemite with my sisters and their husbands and my twin boys. On the back side of Mirror Lake, my one sister and her husband (who were leading) suddenly turned around and started running toward me saying that there was a rattlesnake crossing the trail and perhaps we should wait for a bit. At the same moment I felt the wind rush by me as my twin 10 year old boys both took off to go see the snake. I just managed to snag them by the belt loops before they got past me.

 

Well, I wasn't sure if this counted as an attack, but there was a similar story posted with a much less cute animal so I will share.

When I was in Costa Rica, I went to the beach around lunchtime with a picnic. It was in one of the national parks, and apparently the monkeys that lived there had gotten used to people eating schedule and tended to swarm the beach around lunch looking for scraps or handouts. We were all told not to feed the monkeys, but when a cute little monkey came walking up to me with big eyes staring deep into my soul and then reached out his hand to me, I of course had to comply and give him a plantain chip. He took the chip, ate it, and then continued walking over to me and then got up into my lap, where he held my hand and looked into my eyes. It was one of the most magical moments of my entire life.

Then, there was a huge ruckus, and I realized that he was trying to steal my entire lunch. He managed to escape with my bag of almonds, and he scurried up into the palm tree I was sitting under and invited all his friends. They ate the whole bag, and then let them empty bag drop down onto my head.

 

Badgers. Oh yeah, so cute. So very wise. I mean, who didn't like Clive Badger in Fantastic Mr. Fox?

I went out to the summer place earlier this year and was met by a scene of carnage. I'm talking headless, dead rodents, bones, unidentifiable pieces of flesh, ripped apart birds and a smell of rotten flesh. Fucking badger decided that it would dig a nest under the house. And leave it's victims strewn across the yard.

I thought, fuck it, when it notices that people live here, it'll move. Badgers are shy like that.

Oh, no.

I woke up in the middle of the night from a piercing scream. It was like a combination of a pig's squeal, a dog's bark, a cat in heat and a baby screaming. It wouldn't stop. Again and again it screamed . Then it went for the door. The motherfucker knew to go for the door. Clawing, scratching. I knew it wouldn't give up until it had clawed its way through it. The fuckers can weigh up to 15 kg, big motherfuckers. I went for anything I could use to bludgeon the damn thing. I found a large wooden pole. I considered opening the door to fight it, but didn't trust my reflexes enough to manage to take a swing before it bore down on me.

Two hours I was up, listening to that fucker scratch and scream before it gave up. Probably to go rape an otter or something.

The nest is still there, but I haven't seen the badger since. I've put out traps, but haven't managed to catch it. When I do, it will meet my hunting rifle.

Fuck badgers.

 

Please, I live in Australia. It's a good day if something cutesy does me the courtesy of gently waking me up in the morning BEFORE it launches itself at my throat.

As a kid, I was at a low-rent theme park and they had an animals section. It had chickens, ducks, goats, lambs and so on in a large area. I was old enough to know that goats are unpredictable assholes and geese are malicious fuckwads, so I was keeping an eye on them. Then I got blindsided by a chicken that decided it didn't like the look of me. It was one of those brown, fluffy looking ones and it came charging at me from a fair way away. I froze with what I imagined was a "what the?" look on my face, until it started leaping up my legs and trying to get at my face. Scratched the crap out of me until I managed to run far enough away that it left me alone.


And I won't get started on the eucalyptic evil that is the koala. The bastards now come with added chlamydia to their arsenal.

 

Fuck these things, is all I have to say:

Crocodiles, sharks, snakes, spiders, feral pigs, platypi, jellyfish and drop bears, I'd keep them all but fuck those birds. The Australian Magpie, aka Demons of the Air That Divebomb and Snap and Aim For the Face.

Don't look at me. I mean, yeah I fuck koalas, but I don't have chlamydia.

 

I live in Melbourne's (Australia) inner suburbia, some 10 miles (for your Americans) from the Melbourne CBD (Central Business District)

About 10-15 years ago on a public holiday (Australia Day actually) I went to for a walk to the local stores and up ahead noticed a small gathered crowd.
It turns out that a fully grown Koala had climed up a wooden electricity pole; someone had reported it to the authorities and wildlife officers were there to remove/rescue the thing before it was either fried by touching the power lines or climbed down and was hit by a car.

The bastard put up one hell of a fight.

As far as magpies go, over the last 5 years or so I have noticed that they have come into our area and that the crows that used to hang around have all but gone. Possibly having been driven out by the magpies. So far we haven't had any problems but they are known to be dangerous during breeding season.
Anecdotally, its been said that if you give them some food and leave them alone they tend to remember people and are ok.

I quite like the magpie song.

 

You'll all be happy to know I've struck a blow for humankind:



Yes that is a grilled goose. Not the one I ate, but you get the idea.

Although, we grilled that bastard quite a few years ago. The raging geese may, in fact, be all my fault.

 

The biggest "R" I feel, is "regret."