Have your parents ever done something so outrageous that when re-telling the story, you're not even sure it's real? I'm not talking about lying about Santa or the tooth fairy. I'm talking flat-out un-fucking-believable shit. Background: My mother has been a nurse for nearly 25 years, has worked the past 8 at a pretty major hospital here in Cleveland, and is about 2 years away from retiring. She's also a judgemental, hypocritical, heartless bitch, but that's not really relevant here - it just seems to come out whenever I mention her. So when she called me about an hour into her shift last week, I was tempted to ignore it - but since I know she can't keep her cell on the floor, I worried it was something medical. She asked me to come pick her up (she was fine) but she wasn't allowed to drive herself home. As I was driving there, my brain couldn't come up with a scenario that made any sense, other than maybe verbally assaulting a coworker or patient. That's as bad-ass as I thought my mom could be. Imagine my shock when I heard this: "I've been accused of narcotic drug diversion, and it's true." Um, wait, what? Now, she's brought home me syringes occasionally (I have to give myself B12 shots monthly, and usually forget to get them from CVS), and I know she'll find the occasional Ibuprofen 600 in her pocket (which is stupid, since I have a standing script for 800's). Yeah, that's like picking up a penny in a parking lot compared to the shit she's been doing. My mother has been stealing oxy's and percs from the hospital. She's a real-life Nurse Jackie (which we watched together religiously and she was always so morally offended). She claims it's only been going on for a few months; I believe that she's been doing it at work for a few months, largely because they use Pyxis - which is, among other things, a GPS system for dispensing medication - but do I believe she's only been popping pills for a few months? Fuck, no. FWIW, I got into a little "trouble" a few years ago for playing around with the DDW, and could have scored her anything she wanted - it's no secret in our house - and she does have legitimate chronic pain, so scoring an opioid script wouldn't have been too tough. Since drug tests usually came back in about 15 minutes - and HR hasn't called back - chances are the Board is accumulating its case against her. Best case, she's allowed to participate in a drug diversion program: she would have to (temporarily) surrender her license, admit to chemical dependency and be accepted into their drug diversion program - just to keep herself from facing felony charges. Worst case is prison. If the Board decide she's not a good candidate for the diversion program - or if she gets caught taking god damned sip of NyQuil during the 2-4 year probation period - all bets are off: they'll press felony criminal charges (DEA) and civil charges (the hospital pays a fuck-ton of money when these things happen). There is no in-between or gray area - at least at this particular hospital. Even if she were to offer to retire (she's 63), without completing the state and federal requirements for drug diversion, she still faces all the bad shit. They might not throw her in jail, but the cases I've seen don't get pleaded down to misdemeanors or anything like that. At best, you get charged with a lessor felony and get probation. At sixty-three mother fucking years old. FOCUS: How fucked up is your family? Does your dad get a flirty with your friends after too much scotch? Is your sister a BDSM swinger? Do you hand out pencils and toothbrushes for Halloween? Bonus points if it's illegal, unethical, or morally questionably. ALT FOCUS: What is your opinion on the consequences medical professionals face who get caught with their hand in the proverbial cookie jar? Also, this applies to those who get a DUI off-hours as well - thoughts?