Mulligan? The Green? Birdie? Eagle? STRAWBERRY JAM

I fucking hate golf with a passion, but no-one cares, so on to my one worthwhile golf story:

It was a friend's Buck's Party, and one of the activities was a round of golf out in a cheap place way out in the country. About 40 of us took a bus to the course, and the bus was loaded with a shitton of the nastiest, warmest beer I've ever vomited up. The groom was dressed in a snappy blue dress and leopard-print g-string. I know this because by the 5th hole, the groom was passed out spread-eagle on the lawn, families had left in disgust, old white men were so furious that I thought we might make a few heirs very rich via stroke, and the staff were threatening to call the police and being asked how much damage they thought we would do before the police could arrive. My brother had somehow got a golf cart bogged in a sandpit, and I was throwing up in the bathroom.

As it turned out, they let us finish the course and didn't charge us for the damage in exchange for us never returning and dragging the drunken, scantily-clad cross-dresser out of sight.

Good times.

 

George Carlin on Golf; at 2:39

 

I've been playing for nearly 20 years now, but rarely more than twice a year. The lack of practice, combined with my natural lack of athletic ability makes me the definition of a hacker.

A few years ago I played with a buddy of mine at a course near his house. It was just the two of us, and we were paired with two older, dapper gentlemen, who were far better than either of us. They were gracious golfers - polite, patient, and offering occasional helpful advice. One of them, Jimmy, had recently had heart surgery. This was his first time back out on the course, and he still had some sutures in his chest from a secondary procedure.

I peaked that day on about the 10th hole, and my game rapidly deteriorated from there. On the 13th hole, the other three guys made the green in 2 or 3 shots and I was hitting from about 30 yards from the pin. As I was facing the pin, Jimmy was standing at about 2 o'clock. Given the club (9 iron, I hit everything short) and the distance, I glanced at him only briefly, unconcerned about where he was standing.

Sure enough, I hit the ball way harder than necessary and shanked it at Jimmy - and it nailed him directly in the chest, right on his sutures. While I stood there frozen in horror, my buddy equally frozen with his jaw on the ground, Jimmy staggered around clutching his chest, his friend yelling "Jimmy! Jimmy! Oh Lord, are you all right Jimmy?!"

Once my pants shitting was completed, I rushed over to him, apologizing profusely. Eventually Jimmy recovered and we finished the round - with Jimmy being certain to stand behind me, or a tree, every time I approached the ball.

 

I have been playing on and off for roughly 20 years now and bar none the funniest times I have ever had on a golf course all involved my dads good friend David. He was your typical hacker type golfer who sliced almost everything he attempted to hit and was known to shank his drives right onto the ladys tee 15 yards in front of us on any give hole. This one particular time, I think I was about 12, David, my dad, and myself were teeing off and David was up first. Now the course we had was a private course and was pretty upscale so every tee box had nice specific type tee markers within the tee box. Think something like this.......
<a class="postlink" href="http://www.cylexsigns.com/golf/images/EmeraldHillsMarker.jpg" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">http://www.cylexsigns.com/golf/images/E ... Marker.jpg</a>
Now on this particular hole, there were houses off to the immediate left of the tee box when you are standing on it and the ladies tee was about 15-20 yards ahead of us and about 10 yards below us as the mens box was elevated slightly. Behind all the tee boxes were another row of houses which were directly behind the tee boxes about 10 yards from the back. Sure enough David, shanks his drive his this tee box marker which is about the size of a loaf of bread and precedes to shoot the ball directly back towards us standing on the tee box and through the window of the house behind us. Lets recap that, He hit a golf about about 20 yards down hole, hit the ladies tee marker, and shot the ball into the window of a house about 40-50 yards back of the ladies tee box while somehow not hitting any of us three standing on the tee box. 17 years later and anytime my dad and I step foot on a golf course to this day, that gets brought up.

 

I live about 10 minutes from Pinehurst No. 2. Unfortunately, I can't give any pointers or such because well, I can't play (overall) for shit. My boobs are too big and my arms are too short. I took lessons (kind of expected when you grow up here) but they didn't help much. I do have a wicked good short game though. My only story is that I drove a golf cart off the path and into a ditch when I was around 8.


I have had sex on No. 2 though, that should count for something.

 

We had a group of 28 go out on The Shore Club in Maryland, it's a pretty nice public course. There were so many of us that of course we were a little late, the starter gave us major, major shit about it. Terrible, terrible idea.

I'm a 12 handicap I have allot of respect for the course, rules and treatment of the game but I knew that this course had no chance after what this started did. Honestly he was an idiot, there were seven foursomes ready to tee off, if we were late just send the fucking people ahead of us. Of course we were drinking and smoking, the course never stood a chance.

During the day I saw-

1. Numerous cart races all over area's that cart's are not allowed to be on
2. Straps loosened so clubs would fall out at least 25 times
3. Constant striking of the white tee markers.
4. During a race a cart was veered off the path were in knocked over a ball washer and ran over the small wire trash can, the trash can was stuck under the cart.
5. One foursome quit and just chased the cart girl around
6. Four frustrated old guys behind us complained resulting in the foursome in front of them playing a loose version of "croquet" with their balls. Actually if the old guys drove into them they drove the balls back or the other direction.
7.- Filled two holes with piss.
8. One drunken man jumped into a pond.
9. By the time I had reached the 14th I was informed that we were being thrown off this resulted in a hot dog covered in relish being thrown at the starter.

It was a disgrace but the stories are still famous, one pair got a cart stuck in the mud by the pond and just left it.

 

Keep your head down, can't hit what you don't see.

 

Golf, like running, is one of those sports that you don't have to be particularly good at to enjoy recreationally. You can shoot a 95 and have one great shot that will make you want to come back again. If you're playing pick up basketball, and you keep getting your ass handed to you, that gets old quick.

It's been several years ago, but Sports Illustrated had a feature with a series of quotes about different sports. The one for golf was something like, "Golf is a series of tragedies interrupted by the occasional miracle." That one miracle hooks you in, and makes you forget all the tragedies.

 

From 16 to about 29 I played off between 3-6, for the last 5 years I have been lucky to play twice a year and holy shit has my game gone to hell. My swing is just a mess and my short game has gone to shit. Putting alone I am probably conceeding 7-8 shots a round on when I was playing regularly. I will shoot around 10-16 over.

The irony being I probably actually enjoy golf more now. What was once a four hour battle against the course has been replaced with just waiting for the odd shot that makes it all worthwhile. If I have 2 a game then all the better. I have discussed this with friends and we all agreed that ability and enjoyment are somewhat negatively correlated in Golf.

 

I pelted my friend with a ball the other day. We were doing some practice chipping and he was lobbing them back over my head and blocking my shots as they rolled along the green. I put a ball down and decided I would scare him a little bit. Now I'm a horrible golfer and never tried nor expected to hit him but I ended up cracking him pretty hard on the lower leg. He had a huge bruise and was limping around for 2 days. I actually felt pretty bad so I did the manly thing and bought him an ice cream cone.

 

Golf is such an awesome game...I seriously wish I would put more time into it, because I every time I play, I'm reminded of how much I love it. The golf swing is such a complex thing it's unreal.

A memorable experience was last year, when a buddy organized a Father's Day outing, so it was pretty much about a dozen of us and the dad's playing. Booze indeed goes hand in hand with golf so we started cracking brews open while taking our practice drives of course. By mid day, everyone was on a different pace, some guys already finished..some of us still searching for lost balls. My friend's complete lunatic dad was apparently dropping his trousers every few holes and exposing himself. On one particular hole, we stumbled upon a flock of ducks and my buddy decides to drive our cart directly up to them and scare the living shit out of these poor animals. A group behind us took notice and one of the ladies started yelling obscenities at him...still not sure how we didn't get kicked out that day.

Today is a good day to hit the driving range...practice,practice, practice.

 

Just booked a Friday morning tee time for my cousin and I. I haven't seen him in over a year and he's coming up to visit for a long weekend. We're both ok golfers, but we're going to have a hell of a good time. I'm removing a bunch of unnecessary crap from my bag to make room for beer and bringing along cigars and a couple flasks of scotch.

We'll both probably shoot (well) over 100, but it doesn't matter. Golf is just one of those games where if you're having fun, your performance comes second in terms of how good the round went.

 

I'm going to put my clubs up on Craig's List this weekend, but thought I'd give anyone here who's interested first crack at them:

Left-handed Calloway Big Bertha irons 3-10, PW, SW, Calloway Hawkeye Big Bertha driver, Nike 3 & 5 fairway woods, Oddessey White Heat putter. Also have two bags: Lightweight, nylon Nike with collapsable stand, and larger, leather Porsche Design bag. Also have a soft-sided travel case with shoe compartment.

The 3-iron is not Calloway (that got stolen), but is a SquareTwo (custom-made Ping knock-off from my dad's set). Also, SW is a Wilson. They're all in great shape, I just can't play anymore due to my wrist. PM me if you're interested.

 

Me and my group of friends at home (small-town New Jersey) have between us a total of 2 pitching wedges, 30 golf balls and approximately 0 talent. This state of affairs lends itself quite naturally to Backyard Golf, aka "Revello's Fairways" (after my friend's last name). the holes are trees, the tee-offs are spots of caked mud, and generally speaking there's a lot of chipping deer shit off the ball and the like. This somehow manages to be excellent fun.

We used to have a hole that was actually hitting the neighbor's deck from the other side of the yard. Another one goes from one side of the driveway, down the street to a telephone pole. I tell you, that asphalt can save a terrible shot. Have a roller plop over the curb and suddenly it's off to the races, hoping your ball doesn't roll down a sewer.

It's almost more fun when you have no idea how that shot landed so close to the hole. When the ball can bounce off trees, leaf piles, storm drains, rocks, and motor vehicles, you can imagine the possibilities. I have acquired something of a reputation for consistently shanking the last hole and hitting my friend's car. I don't know if I really want to get better at the game.